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Just take it one day at a time one foot in front of the other and hate to say it but welcome to the ride

if you do need to expose her to her family, don't warn her just do it, and swiftly!

This needs to be a take-down kidney shot that leaves her curled up on the floor as long as she clings to that affair, and yes kick her while she is down if she doesn't relent...friends, family, neighbors, coworkers, everyone in her world needs to be informed of her actions.

If you can have her served specifically in front of her support network, then it will sting even more.

Don't be afraid to expose her to the pain of ridicule and shame because of her actions...she made the choice to do this, not you.

[This message edited by OrdinaryDude at 9:45 PM, January 12th (Thursday)]

One of her friends came to me and informed me that she was having an affair after I already discovered it (mutual friend of ours).

That means that she's either telling others or they're out in public like a couple.

I may be naive but I think I have a chance. I love this woman but I'm not going to wait forever. I'm not second place to anyone. The affair is going to be exposed to her family if she runs to the other man, not gonna tell her that threat.

If you're hoping to bust up this affair you MUST expose NOW. Dude come on. That needs to happen ASAP. Not in a your daughters a whore but in a help me fight for the marriage.

The only reason to hold off the exposing is to do it Shock and Awe style by doing it on the day you have her served. Amd yes, have her served at work. It really stings when done in front of co-workers. The perfect additional step is to file a complaint with the HR office. Mention(alienation of affection)

I'm better than the other guy (physically and financially) so that's why I think I have a better shot than him.

Waywards consistently affair down, especially women. Don't believe for a second that because you're better looking or make more money, that she won't leave you for another. If anything stops her, it'll be the fact that he's got kids.

[This message edited by Jsmart at 9:54 PM, January 12th (Thursday)]

You're doing OK.

Maintain the mantra you used last night. Tell her she needs to break up with her boyfriend. When she says she has had no contact with him, roll your eyes. If she pushes you on it, tell her you need to see the evidence that she has broken up with him. Do not go to marriage counseling if she has not broken it off with him. Tell her there is no marriage to save if she still has a boyfriend. Ask her what she would do if you had a serious girlfriend who you wouldn't break up with.

Use those types of phrases as a mantra when you have to engage.

You are not pushing her away. The opposite, you are forcing the issue before she fell even farther away from you and into him. A spouse cannot compete with an affair partner because there are no responsibilities and there is a new relationship butterfly effect. If you were to continue doing nothing, I hope you can see that the momentum was going in his favor. What you are doing now is a stand you had to make sooner or later, better to fight that battle now before the enemy's strength increases.

[This message edited by wk55hn at 9:47 PM, January 12th (Thursday)]

Does your wife know the mutual friend knows about the affair?

Also guys before this she was the most rational person I knew. The girl I met in high school would NEVER EVER DO THIS. She was also somewhat insecure that I had friends that were girls.

Her friend found out about the affair cause she texted her telling her she has feelings for another man and doesn't know what to do. her friend knew for two weeks before she told me. She let me read the texts between them.

I also called him her boyfriend yesterday, which she then raged. She has tried to break contact with him before I want her to really make a push and do it again. Me doing a hard 180 makes me feel like I have a good shot here.

To bad about the GTR...someday. From an outside observer I think that you DO have a chance. It is still early in the timeline

But it will not be easy. Has she spent the night away from the house?

Are you serving her at work? The shame and humiliation may cause her to run to him as her "last friend on earth". OR to you...since she cray cray ya don;t know

Maybe serve her when she is with a few girlfriends or other public spot.

I sent the papers to my wife on Dec20 with a Xmas card.

I'm better than the other guy (physically and financially) so that's why I think I have a better shot than him.

A better shot at what? Winning her back? What a prize for you! You get the lying selfish cheater to "chose" you under the duress of divorce papers?

She has ALREADY chosen the OM. She did it the second she broke NC.

Tell her nothing. Read Spaceghost's thread:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=552588&HL=46539

Have her served at work or in public. Do not be there. Expose her to everyone, friends and family the day she gets served.

Let her blow up your phone for a few hours. Then calmly tell her you have evidence she is still talking to OM. So you assumed that since you told her breaking NC meant divorce, it's what she wanted.

Show strength. Show her you are making the decisions now, not her. You are the one "choosing."

Exposing the evidence you have to her family at the same time that she's served with divorce papers I imagine will be the best chance of breaking up the affair. Especially since she doesn't know that you know she's still cheating and lying.

I also called him her boyfriend yesterday, which she then raged. She has tried to break contact with him before I want her to really make a push and do it again.

If she's trying to end it and this guy keeps reeling her back in, then a confrontation by you is called for. No warning, just show up at the job put him on notice. If there's a slight chance he didn't hit it yet, you know he was so close that he can taste her. He'll need to know you're serious about fighting for your marriage before he backs off.

You can also file a complaint with the HR dept. Mentioning that they're allowing alienation of affection.

I'm not sure I see the benefit of humiliating her in front of others. I would serve her yourself. You are the superior spouse here. I do agree with exposing the affair, but do it for the right reasons. Do it to wake her up to the consequences of her actions. Do it because she really does need support right now. She's lost her fucking mind and is about to wreck her life for some loser. It happens. Happened to my wife.

I don't think the point of serving is about humiliation but about driving home the consequences of her actions. He could serve her personally or just bring home papers, the end result would probably be the same.

I just think it's a bit less effective in terms of knocking a spouse out of a fog. Besides the way she's acting, I'd be surprised if her and the AP being an item is a huge secret at their job.

No it isn't about humiliation, it's about bringing the harsh reality of the world the WS has created crashing down on their head.

The WS has most times destroyed the world for the BS, so there is no obligation to shield the WS from the consequences of their actions.

Shielding the WS from consequences tells them you don't care enough or are too afraid to hold them accountable.

She hasn't tried to stop contact. She was sitting there smil My doing it in front of you.

When she gets mad is when you call her on her bullshit. It pieces the layers of bullshit she's built up to insulate herself from this. It's the same reason you expose to families and have her served. Have consequences kick her in the face. It's a nice cold bath.

Personally, I think you are doing really well. I'm glad you're refusing her advances and telling her how crazy it is to sleep with your husband while texting her boyfriend.

You can call her bluff on NC and ask to see her phone. Or does she delete the texts right after she gets them?

Regardless she is playing games. I'm guessing she will cry when she is served and swear that the Affair is over and that they were just texting because he was worried about her. I'd tell her she broke NC and shows no signs of remorse or that she is trying to fix the marriage and regain your trust. I'd tell her MC is off the table until she can prove she is 100% into fixing the marriage. Then I would do a hard 180 and see what she does to fix things.

You can have your list ready for her.

I also don't see her running to OM but I do see her trying to string both of you along ...longer.

Good luck

We told you they couldn't work together or the affair wouldn't end. Letting it continue means everyday they get closer.

On the upside, the longer you wait to expose her to her parents and HR the more likely you will be rid of a cheater in your life.

She want's you back in bed. She want's you to ignore the fact she has a boyfriend, she want's you to disregard her sexting affair. Sounds to us like she wants the best of both worlds.

Expose her to all your family members. And make it plain to her, that you will not play second fiddle in your own band. She is not the prize to be won here, you are. Make her work for your attention, or tell her to pound sand. You deserve better.

"My husband won't let me have a boyfriend, what an asshole"

- Manual's wife. 2016.

Also guys before this she was the most rational person I knew. The girl I met in high school would NEVER EVER DO THIS. She was also somewhat insecure that I had friends that were girls.

The good, quite, and usually rational are quite often the ones that go off the rails when a person

comes along that pushes the right buttons. With this douche being divorced and a father of 2, he's probably older and has way more life experience and the confidence that comes with it. Woman are STRONGLY drawn to that. He'll know the right things to say to a woman with low self-esteem.

You guys have been together a long time. Has she ever discussed wanting to have a kid? How was your marriage? With her planning a late (all-night) night Friday, Dec 30 to consummate their relationship. Is that normal that she could pull that off? Do you guys do late nights with out each other?

I ask these questions to get a better picture of the marriage. So many times BHs come here saying they were blindsided but if you dig a little deeper, there were signs of cracks in the wall.

Yep, rationality has no place here for your wife. She's living in La La Land where it's all unicorns and rainbows and everyone shits Skittles. In this world she's not dealing with day to day life. She has a guy who doesn't bring up laundry or bills or work stress. Just someone who tells her how wonderful she is, how beautiful she is, and how much he wants her. And she eats it up. But you my friend, you are intruding in her real world fantasy and it is so much more enticing to close your eyes and go back to sleep where she can still dream that life with her boyfriend will somehow reflect reality. Of course that'll never happen, yet she is so in the fog of her fantasy that she hasn't got a clue just how illusory it really is. Which is why the absolute most important and best thing you can do is go back and re-read wk55hn's post and the act on it.

Another thing, it's not about how good looking you are, how fit, how successful. You cannot compete. You represent reality and she has taken a break from it. She wants the fantasy world. So stop trying to compete. Implement the 180. Detach. File for divorce. Let her go run to him with his two kids. See how quickly that fantasy bubble bursts.

Last, the 180 is not inflict consequences or achieve a desired result regarding your wife. Yo are looking at it as a tool to get your wife to want to give up hear boyfriend. It doesn't work like that. The 180 is designed to help you and only you become a healthier person. To detach from your relationship so you can realize that you will be okay on your own if it comes to that. This way, you will act more rationally, less emotionally, and do the things necessary to move on with your life if your wife stays on her current path. It is not to get her back. Now, it is true that sometimes a consequence of a spouse implementing the 180 is the WS wakes up, or becomes uncomfortable and starts focusing on the marriage again, it you can't keep it up forever and then, boom, back to the boyfriend she goes. So, stop looking at the 180 as a tool about getting her back. Start using it to become less codependent and more focused on a healthier you.