SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Remember the previous posts.....

Stay away from the ladies for now. Any big changes really. You have enough on your plate. Too confusing to deal with too much new at once.

So sorry for this turn in your life. So glad for you that it is now rather than later.

You have lots of time to have a great life.

Patience.

Manual,

So far, all my advice has been based on ultra-realism. Deal with what you are dealing with from a position of reality.

There are a few of us posting here on SI that come from a law-enforcement background and although our advice might vary then it seems all to be based on the same principles; analyze, think, prioritize, act. I guess we have more experience than the norm in dealing with abnormal situations and having to react to unexpected behavior. This tends to make us solution- and result focused rather than let emotions and rage control us.

Heck… I guess that if most of us allowed emotions and first reactions control us there wouldn’t be many child-molesters arrested alive…

IMHO your possibilities and options are limited by two important factors:

What your WW wants.

What you want.

Right now, your wife’s words and actions say she wants OM. Therefore, what YOU want is limited to either accepting the affair and hoping it ends or you divorce. Sounds like the former isn’t acceptable and you are OK with the latter option.

Be clear on what divorce is. It’s the termination of a relationship and not an alternative marriage or a friendship. It’s a relatively negative process and even the concept amicable divorce only covers the process itself and hardly the relationship you and your ex might have after the divorce. In fact – if there is no need to interact then divorced people really do NOT interact. It’s not that people want to be enemies, it’s rather just a detachment process.

I think you should do your best to be amicable and dignified but at the same time detached and distant.

I think it’s OK for you to let her know that how you feel, where you go and what you do is of no concern of hers. Tell her to stop asking about personal issues because she has no right to know of them. She’s not your wife in anything other than name and she is not your friend. The only reason you two interact is because of the joint home and that once that issue is cleared you will both head your individual ways.

IF she asks then be frank in letting her know that you plan on distancing yourself from her once everything is over. It’s not that you hate her but that you are leaving someone that you allowed close to you but betrayed you in the worst way possible. Distance is the only way you can heal and you don’t have any reason or interest in remaining close to what will only be a reminder of the pain.

About what she does, where she goes and all that…

Once again… You have filed for divorce. I think it’s in bad taste to date while finishing a divorce but we know what started the D process. She is totally free to see OM, be with OM, stay over at OM… All you can do is divorce her and you already have that ball rolling. Brutally put: You don’t have any say on how she behaves. What you can do is hurry the process or AT LEAST the factors that force you to be around her. Like hanging on to the house…

Need to take the same approach on all issues regarding her:

Will OM get her pregnant? Not your concern unless she gets pregnant. If she does, then you need legal advice on paternity because you might automatically be assumed the father even for some time after the D is final.

Is she having a good time? Not your concern.

Is she OK with what she is doing? Not your concern…

Does she have regrets? Not your concern…

Will she be happy ever after and ride unicorns along the beach and OM turn out to be the secret crown-prince of Denmark and they live in a castle being served by fairies and eat lobster for breakfast? Not your concern…

Detach…

Detach…

Detach…

And get the process over with ASAP. Keep momentum, keep focused and keep result-oriented.

You can cry later.

I am sorry for your sitch. Just stay in your course, and proceed with divorce. She is not your wife anymore. A complete disconnect both physically and emotionally is the only way to heal yourself. The worst you can do now is to let doubt creep in your mind. Stay strong. My prayer's with you.

If I remember correctly you said you wanted to keep the house. I also think you said something about her wanting the house. I would bet that the other man will want it too since he lives in an apartment. Have you talked to your lawyer about how this is going to go through if the two of you can't agree? Can she afford it with out your income? What if the Posom wants to pay for part of it?

On the other hand, I'm not sure I believe he wants her as a wife. I'm not buying him not having enough room for your wife to move in with him. His kids have nothing to do with that they unless he has a one bedroom and they have to sleep with him. What are the custody arrangements with his wife. This whole thing sounds fishy regarding his actions toward your wife.

[This message edited by Chappie at 2:48 PM, January 30th (Monday)]

Your doing good, but just reread the last few post's a couple of times.

they're all good advice.

Bigger ^^^

Manual,

No way in hell would I let her keep the house that YOU built to be a love nest for her and this fucking shitbag.

If she doesn't want to leave you the house, insist it gets sold and the money split.

Bad enough this turd intruded into your life and helped your horrid STBXWW submarine your M and living situation.....but NO WAY would I let this skunk reap the benefit of gaining a new house out of it as well.

Just flat out tell your WW that the house gets sold....period.

I agree with Dyoke. Don't give her anything she doesn't deserve, like the house. Fight for everything. She will

The house is going to be a painful reminder to me, I don't even want it, too big for a single guy. WW has been moping around lately. I finally have stopped wearing my ring. I don't think she's going to have a good time being a step mom. MIL called today to check up on me and she cried on the phone. She told WW she's making the biggest mistake of her life. Our marriage is over, she's not going to cuck me. Who am I to stop true love?

[This message edited by manualgtr at 10:50 PM, January 30th (Monday)]

Don't stop her destiny...Maybe her fun is slowing down as things get real.

Sell the house. Split the $$$ move on. Can she afford a mortgage and a cash payout to you?

Take care of yourself, tune out her problems, she's the OM responsibility now... and get outta the house man!!

I'm not a step-parent, but I am a parent, and I'll let you in on a little secret; kids can be a real pain in the ass. Now, when you acquire them by birth there are hormones and the natural acclimation period of infancy that helps cement the bond with them. A bond you'll need to rely on when they really test you as they get older. So, your STBXW, who by all accounts on here is a selfish and perhaps immature woman, gets thrown into the mix with these two kids from the get go without the benefit of them being "her's"... well, she's going to get a dose of reality from them and POSOM's relationship with them that she probably won't like too much. Those kids will constantly be bringing her and POSOM out of fantasy land, but that's not your problem anymore. Just smile and wave goodbye to the woman who betrayed you and smiled while doing it. F her (figuratively, of course).

If it's possible to force the sale, I would. GTR's STBXW can't afford the house by herself nor would she need such a big place. UNLESS, she's planning on keeping it to start a family with divorced douche and his kids.

GTR bought the big house, but he never took the marriage to the next step. At 31, her biological clock is ticking. Along comes a proven baby maker. Her subconscious doesn't understand divorce statistics or right from wrong. It only knows that it wants to procreate.

I guess I'm a spiteful MFer but it's bad enough he's stealing his wife, I'm not going to serve up a home for that POS and his kids as well.

[This message edited by Jsmart at 8:35 AM, January 31st (Tuesday)]

Does anyone have any advice on how to stop letting this effect your self-esteem? WW is currently out with her boyfriend. I wish i could say that it didn't hurt me, it still very much does. I'm in IC but I find myself dwelling on the fact that my partner for 14 years is enjoying her life with another man, sharing secrets, creating memories, with no remorse for how bad she's hurt me. Is she going to ever realize what she did? At this point I know there's no going back and she's fully invested in OM, I need to stop caring but it's so hard..

[This message edited by manualgtr at 11:26 PM, February 3rd (Friday)]

Manual,

You need to detach ASAP.

It seems impossible at the beginning and harder living under the same roof but you have to try.

180 technic is for detaching, use it.

Also focus on you and interact the minimum with her. You do the need to know where she is all the time or even if she is at home.

Go out do your thing, meet with friends, get a new hobby, keep your self busy

Regarding selfsteem, IMO and IME female company is always a boost! You don't need to have sex, don't forget en need to date, just spend time with girls that find you interesting.

Believe me you will be better than ever in no time.

Last thing

This is an analogy based on my experience.

Is like when people drown in a pool or the see, it AL ways happens while nobody is paying attention. The same with my WP, while I was focused on her she was doing great, or at least pretending it. When finally I stopped paying attention started focusing on me, all her shot and problems stated to show. Even after a few month she started calling my new GF. Years later she came to me asking for a chance... The sad thing is all this happened at the time I couldn't care less about her.

The same thing going will happen to you

Does anyone have any advice on how to stop letting this effect your self-esteem?

Now this is a good question. I'll share what really helped me through those dark initial days after D-Day when every BH feels totally emasculated.

- I ran 3 miles everyday at the gym. The endorphins greatly reduced my anxiety, stress and sadness.

- I began casually greeting everyone with a smile- the janitor, the barista, the baby in the pram at the next table, the homeless dude, retirees out for a stroll, checkout boys and girls, literally everyone. Having innumerable strangers smile and chat with me bolstered my sunken spirits.

- I signed up for German classes, keyboard lessons and guitar lessons, so along with the gym and work, kept myself 110% occupied with activities.

So in short, focus on YOU. Life is too short and precious to spend with a cheater. YOU deserve better and will find someone true to you.

Does anyone have any advice on how to stop letting this effect your self-esteem? WW is currently out with her boyfriend. I wish i could say that it didn't hurt me, it still very much does. I'm in IC but I find myself dwelling on the fact that my partner for 14 years is enjoying her life with another man, sharing secrets, creating memories, with no remorse for how bad she's hurt me. Is she going to ever realize what she did? At this point I know there's no going back and she's fully invested in OM, I need to stop caring but it's so hard..

Of course it hurts, it's meant to.

Her self esteem is at an all time high because she's getting her new romance, we've only got eyes for each other shtick from her adulterer aide (First thing is to stop using language like OM or boyfriend, she cheated in marriage so see them for what they are)

But she's also got you moping around, each time she goes out she sees the hurt and while some part of her may feel guilty, the other part absolutely laps up the attention.

Everything starts from self. It's a natural process of letting go and moving on but more importantly getting to the point where you don't care. No she doesn't just want to see you happy (bullshit language from a bullshitter) otherwise she wouldn't be flouting the affair in your face, heck if this was true love and she at least respected you she would wait until the divorce was settled, but all of it is designed to yank your chain whilst getting her ego kibbles.

The point when you decide you've had enough of having your chain yanked by her emotionally is the point you make the breakthrough, the point her flowery language becomes b*llsh*t speak, and her actions are exactly what they are self serving and heartless.

Each time she goes out she kisses you goodbye and plunges a knife into your heart and watches you collapse bleeding then she tells you she wants to see you happy.

Doesn't make sense does it?

[This message edited by Tren0R201 at 3:07 AM, February 4th (Saturday)]

Does anyone have any advice on how to stop letting this effect your self-esteem?

I have never had problems with self esteem. I suck at some things, and I know it, but I am good at other things. My parents always made me feel I was good enough and capable enough to do anything I put my mind to. I had other girlfriends before I got married and I had a lot of positive feedback from them even though all of them either dumped me or I dumped them. I was cheated on by some of the girlfriends. Looking back, probably some cheated on me and I didn't know about it.

I got engaged in my late 20s, and I dated and had girlfriends since high school, so I had a lot of girlfriends, and a few serious ones before I got engaged. Many who dumped me came back months and even a year or two or three later to sniff around to see what I was up to - I think people here call it "fishing." And my eventual wife is someone I had dated briefly earlier in my 20s and our circumstances didn't make the relationship realistic at that time.

I think there is a difference between being rejected and being affected by self esteem. Definitely you are being rejected, you are there and available and she chose another guy. I know the feeling of rejection, and I have never had it since I've been married. And I think that is a big distinction, because when I was single, and I was rejected, I usually felt better and forgot about it when I started having an interest in another woman. Me and my friends and my brothers, if we had a girlfriend who rejected us, frequently the feeling was to want to stay home and sulk, and the friends would drag out and go out and get back in life. Meet with girls.

Now as a married man, I don't advocate that, but I do think if you have a friend or brother who can do stuff with you, get you out to stuff you like, bowling, softball, volleyball, or just go out to a local social-type bar and not drink too much but get a little social. Even if you volunteer somewhere. Try to force yourself to go out there and do stuff that involves something social and something that involves both men and women. Even only men's stuff like men's basketball, softball I think will help.

Now as far as self esteem, I really don't think that goes up and down that easily. I don't think that really is what you've got here. Self esteem I think is the type of thing like you deep-seated "you," like your morals, or your personality, I think it comes probably from your childhood and it doesn't really change all that much. Not so with rejection, which is different than self esteem.

I don't think you should expect that your wife will some day come back to you "fishing" or even crawling back and begging, but that has been my experience in at least a decent number of my past girlfriends. For one thing, you were "good enough" and really way more than that, the woman wanted to marry you, and spent all this time with you, so you definitely are good enough. Also, I don't hear from your wife saying "you're no good" but rather she got too close to another. You know there is nothing wrong with you.

All this time she was with you and had no problems, never told you any problems, and then just begged for you to stay married, and when you wouldn't, she chose this other man as second choice. Granted, she is pretty fucked up mentally, as far as which one she wanted, but think about the arc of her relationships.

Now, despite I had a lot of girlfriends, I don't think I ever went from one girl to another with no time in between. There always was at least a month or so that I had no girlfriend. I always wondered how any men or women could jump from one right into the next. I question your wife, too, for that. How do you jump from a 14-year relationship with a 7-year marriage and jump straight into a headlong soulmates type love with some guy like that? Why question yourself about some type of situation like that, if you saw this from any other person but yourself you would objectively see this, but since it has happened to you, subjectively maybe you are introspectively somehow thinking it is about you. Her behavior in my opinion is a bit dysfunctional, meaning not healthy.

Objectively from the outside here, your posts have been rational and insightful, your wife looks like the one who is a little irrational, thinking that this other man who she got involved with just such a short time ago relatively speaking, and she's ready to bring him into her house, and then somehow thinking you would pay her and him to live there. So she is the one who is not based in reality.

Have you seen a realtor and put up a for sale sign? If not why not? What does your lawyer say ? By now I would have myself and half the belongings moved out and into storage if I had to.

Your wife is coasting because so far nothing has changed for her except she has a new boy toy. She still comes home and there you are. Get half the stuff out, and be gone. Stay wherever you need to until you get your own place. Let her come home to a half empty house.

She can't keep you out of the house either so keep an eye on it. If you see someone leases things there put it in the trash.

How long before the divorce is final where you live? Push you lawyers to get things done.

Also, as far as moving forward, feeling better, I have heard and seen some guys change their basic appearance and habits. Like if they had facial hair, went clean shaven, of if no facial hair, grew some. Bought brand new clothes, but a somewhat different style for example if had a outdoorsy rugged type got more preppy or vice versa. Even with shoes, changed with boots, etc.

Probably you have to do the same work stuff during the same hours, but outside of that, maybe shake stuff up a little. Don't stay in the same routine that you were in the marriage, if you took a shower at night maybe take one in the morning instead.

These are superficial things but I think they do make you feel different, and maybe make you feel more like you have moved to a different phase in your life.