SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

She's sorry? She did everything but bring him home to meet you. She threw her dating another man in your face. She rubbed it in. If she didn't know she was doing that, she doesn't have enough sense to be married or be a mother. Thankfully, this looks like a blessing in disguise.

I have told a story many times to many people, years ago with my friends told me that I was lucky to have found out that my then girlfriend cheated on me, I couldn't understand why I was "lucky" to have someone cheat on me. They took me a while to figure out that what they meant was that I did not marry the "bitch". I guess your version of this maybe what Chappie stated, at least you didn't have kids with your wife.

[This message edited by ocdude at 12:57 AM, February 14th (Tuesday)]

For whatever reason I was sent a Valentine's Day sorry card from her. There is a note inside that I have not read as I think it will only cause me more hurt. I have good days and bad days but today was just horrible. I miss who she used to be so much i can't even put it into words. I know I need to keep NC but it's just so hard. She has the other man and I'm just going to be alone. Fuck this sucks.

Be careful GT protect yourself and keep up the NC.

You are alone now but look what she has put you though. You need sometime to recover before dating anyone. and a longer time before considering any contact with her. Meet your sister for coffee and read the not with her so have someone to "talk you back from the ledge"

Or stick it in the trash.

Does she have a move out date so you can sell the house?

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 1:35 AM, February 14th (Tuesday)]

For whatever reason I was sent a Valentine's Day sorry card from her. There is a note inside that I have not read as I think it will only cause me more hurt. I have good days and bad days but today was just horrible. I miss who she used to be so much i can't even put it into words. I know I need to keep NC but it's just so hard. She has the other man and I'm just going to be alone. Fuck this sucks.

Fuck her sorry card, you are right not to read it. Destroy it, anything she wrote in it will only be more bullshit to bring you down. NC is your essential right now, the 180 will help you with that and detaching, swear by it. Sure your alone right now, and she has other man. But think of this... her relationship with other man is built on cheating and lies, you will eventually find another woman, and your relationship will be built on honesty and truth. It does suck in the short term, start looking at the long term, where you are happy and with a faithful mate. Hang in there brother, you will make it through this

Manual,

IMO the WW mind works in a way that needs to prove to her self and everybody else, that what she has done is not that a bad, that she is not a bad person. The best way to do it is to keep being best friends with you, as in her mind it will show that her cheating is not a big deal, that you are OK with it and maybe felt the same (That the marriage was not good).

Of course there are worse ways to prove it like badmouthing you, trying to prove you are a monster, etc. IMO this is where you need to be extra careful, as she may try to show the while world what bad temper you have and that's why she needed to had the affair.

I belive the best way is to keep NC, no read the card but get rid of it. If she needs to tell you something she needs to do it face to face.

She may feel guilty but it doesn't mean she is willing to R or even dump OM. IMO she were advise to cool down the affair until the D is over, to avoid exposure, drama, etc.

She may regret what she has done in the future, but IMO the this is not the case right now. Even if it were, after all she has done and how she did it, you should keep the D going.

The final gold is to not care at all, it is hard but belive me, you will get there in no time.

Good luck

She doesn't have the other man.

She has no dignity, she has some loser whose couldn't find some normal girl to bang, it's eating away at the insides of her this her pathetic attempts, she's now the slut step-mom to two probably awful kids, she will never be able to fall asleep in a warm loving comfort, she'll have to force herself to be with this loser so that her precious ego will not be harmed.

You on the other hand just have the relatively simple task of forgetting about someone who was not good enough for you. People overcome much harder things all the time (sickness of themselves or a loved one, losing a family member). It's not that you don't have a hard time in front of you. You do. But it's a completely surmountable problem.

Burn the fucking card and dont even give it a second thought

Wow, she is cruel! I agree with those above saying this is still all about her. She can't bear the thought that this is all her fault. I hope you have the strength to burn the card and stay NC. You deserve peace of mind after what she's done to you and how she's done it (e.g., the smile on her face as she texted him in front of you). The fastest way to do that is NC.

Send it back to her and let her see her words mean nothing to you.

Return the card unopened with a short note that unless it is about the necessary details of the divorce process, you want no further contact from her of a personal nature.

Let me get this straight....she is with the OM now but she sends you a valentine card? Have your sister read it for you and if it reads anything like she is trying to hoover you back into the drama (I miss you, miss what we had, I still love you) I would stick it in another envelope with a little note stating "Dude, you need to keep better tabs on your woman! She's YOUR problem, not mine anymore." and forward it to the OM. If it's a bunch of "I'm sorry"'s then trash it.

Fuck those two a-holes.

Agree with San, returning it unopened would be a strong statement that you mean business about NC.

Manual,

Let me start by stating I think your best bet is to stick to your guns. The initial period of pain… it will end. Having said that… the goal has never been divorce or reconciliation. The goal has been to get out of infidelity. D and R are simply two paths out of infidelity.

You told your wife early on that for you there was no chance of reconciliation. You were quite clear on that. So maybe she has never seen that as an open possibility.

Granted – it was in extreme bad taste to run to OM once she thought the marriage was totally over. If she had some hope of R she could have shown you with her actions what she wanted. We can also say that with her actions she did show what she wanted… she ran to OM.

But this isn’t about R or D. It’s about getting out of infidelity…

I want you to know that despite me thinking D is your best shot…

Despite all of us here supporting you in not reading the card…

IF you want to reconcile then it can be done and we will support you and guide you in that.

But you must realize several things must be in place. Things like her leaving the job, accountability, remorse, YOU capable and willing to work on the marriage… ALL sorts of stuff…

Plus – possibly MOST importantly – BOTH of you need to want to reconcile.

But Manual – I still think your best option is D…

“For whatever reason I was sent a Valentine's Day sorry card from her. There is a note inside that I have not read as I think it will only cause me more hurt. I have good days and bad days but today was just horrible. I miss who she used to be so much i can't even put it into words. I know I need to keep NC but it's just so hard. She has the other man and I'm just going to be alone. Fuck this sucks.”

Sanibelredfish is 100% correct when he said:

Wow, she is cruel!

Sending that card is like a drug pusher showing up at rehab with a fully loaded syringe, ready and prepared for her favorite customer. A truly kind and commendable gesture…Or is it an utterly self-serving move, totally lacking in any love or empathy for the victim? Tough question to answer until you remember who is responsible for all the pain you are going through.

So does Manual take the syringe and plunge the needle into his arm, tearing his flesh and letting the old poison course through his veins again? Or does he say, “No thanks”, and drop the unused syringe into the trash, where it belongs?

If the personal growth and remarkable strength you have shown in the course of your posts is anything to go by, Manual, I know you will put that thing where it belongs: in the trash.

I believe my analogy with drugs is entirely appropriate, because you are currently going ‘cold turkey’, and that can be horribly painful at first as you begin the process of cleansing your system and starting the journey back to health and well-being.

Here’s the thing, though, Manual: very few people go cold turkey on their own. You have your family to support you, you have your friends to help and listen to you, and you have the people in this forum to offer their own memories and experiences of going through the same thing. You are not alone, and now more than ever, you must open yourself to the help of those around you. If you feel like breaking down and crying, do it with them. They are there for you. If you feel like it is too hard to bear, tell them, be with them as you work through the pain of detoxing from the poison of infidelity.

You have been, and continue to be, much stronger than you realise. You have come through a prolonged period of emotional manipulation and abuse, and it is no wonder you are feeling so much hurt as a result of that. But you have made the wisest move that anyone can make in a situation like that. You have broken with it, to begin a journey away from the pain and the manipulation, to rediscover that a life without it can be so much better and brighter, and to rediscover who you really are when you stop being another person’s favourite plaything.

You can do it, Manual. Step by step, one day at a time. You are better than what has been done to you, and you deserve something much better in life. Go for it! Stay strong and keep walking. I repeat: Step by step, one day at a time, you WILL get through this.

[This message edited by M1965 at 3:05 PM, February 14th (Tuesday)]

Return the card unopened with a short note that unless it is about the necessary details of the divorce process, you want no further contact from her of a personal nature.

This.

Manual,

I hope you're doing ok. I was thinking about you today as I was going through JFO. Keep up the good work and stay strong. It's hard I know. You'll make it through though.

From your description she is very conflicted. Her infatuation for OM has for a variety of reasons not successfully eliminated her identity as your woman. She has been bouncing back an forth, hoping sometimes that you would just grab her assertively and cause other man to burn out. Other times she has hoped that OM would become better than she though he was.

When you started to put the 180 into action, she began to vacillate back and forth. For her the choice probably often seemed like A or B. OM may have been plan B. If she had gotten guidance from someone wise, she would have formed a plan C to be on her own to get control of her life.

At the end of the day subconsciously don't you think she wanted a baby? Emphasis on the word subconscious here.

It was good and bad that you cracked her communication channel. It allowed you to see her actions.

A lot of times people say they don't know who their cheating spouse is. I think this is because actions that change our character can often create a new character, often not a better one. But people are not always permanently ruined either.

You've chosen a course of action. Your wife seems not to know what her choices are.

I went NC the first of the year and has made a huge difference in my head. I know the healing will soon start to follow. I want to encourage you to stay NC, I know it hurts but it does help.

My STBXWW was also unremorseful and it killed me to be at home with her for the 4 months after DDay. I decided to D at the beginning of the year and that also helped to not feel so in limbo. I want to file as soon as I can.

Stay strong Brother you have so many people rooting for you and we want to see you come out of this with your head held high.

Manual,

I hope you are spending time with friends and family whenever you can. Be with the people who love you. I am sure they want to support you as much as we do as you get through this. You have made the right choice, but it is tough going.

Looking back through this thread it is uncanny that TrenoR201 and Shezra35 called GTR's stbxw's attempt to reel him back in a few days before V day. Never doubt the collective wisdom of SI!