SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Has anyone here divorced or is going through a divorce with BPD?

My STBXW was never officially diagnosed, she was diagnosed as Bipolar long before BPD was a thing. But she meets every criteria to a TEE for BPD(except cutting, she never did that). I always thought the Bipolar did not quite fit. Not that it mattered. She never was treated as she felt the Psych who diagnosed it was just being mean to her (seriously). There is no doubt in my mind, the more I read about it, the more perfectly it matches my entire 23 year marriage/relationship with her.

Knowing that, you might think that would make it easier to go, but it does not. I know for my own well being, it must be done, hell should have done it 22 years ago, but it still hurts. If I changed BPD to something like MS I would never consider leaving, but then she would also accept that and the treatment that goes along with it. That will never happen here.

Following this thread closely. I have been wondering if my WW is bpd because she has many of the traits listed.

So far I am almost divorced (final papers signed by me, just have to be looked over and signed by WW) and so far it has been pretty easy. Other than being irrational, blaming the marriage for her affair, and being engaged to Romeo......she has actually been okay to deal with regards to the divorce. She has signed everything so far and is working with me on the kids. My fingers are crossed the rest goes good.

I have BPD, however I've worked my ASS off to be better. I'm evolved, I promise, but feel free to ask anything at all. I will be brutally honest.

Get the book "Splitting" It's a how-to manual on what to expect/deal with when divorcing a BPD/NPD.

Short version:

Be prepared for the worst. Expect to be accused of violence-against WW, kids (physical and sexual), being unstable. (ALWAYS CARRY A VAR ON YOU WHEN INTERACTING WITH HER FACE-TO-FACE. Again, ALWAYS CARRY A VAR ON YOU WHEN INTERACTING WITH HER FACE-TO-FACE.)

Document everything. That means communicate via email/text only. Any verbal agreement, send a confirmation in writing.

Prepare for a long, drawn out battle. Where everything is contested. Where every request from you is met with no response, or vague answers, incomplete data (Example: We were required to exchange our financials over the prior 15 mo period. I did. Her? I got 4 DAYS worth.)

If she is really bad, just let the lawyers deal with everything. Don't engage her other than kids/finances (try to get a separation agreement in place if the D isn't going to be finalized for a while).

Finally, detach from her as much as possible.

The above post could just be because she is a bitch :).

I have been diagnosed BPD and when I divorced I left with my son ( he wasn't the Dad) and furniture and left him the house and car. All pensions stayed with the person. It was very cordial and even. We were both happy with what we had.

We may be crazy but we aren't all mean and greedy. I think it depends on the actual persons usual personality too.

Maybe we're twins separated at birth LOL

I've yet to meet one like me. I fought that diagnosis tooth and nail for the longest....

It's true, we're not all the devil incarnate

BPD or Bi-polar? (BPD is also the abbreviation for Borderline Personality Disorder).

Borderline? Worndown is spot on. It is almost impossible to deal with untreated. Bi-polar, if medicated and in therapy, might be reasonable.

Kudos Smoken and Tawnee. I congratulate you on your progress!

ETA, My phone decided I didn't need one of my sentences.

[This message edited by 5454real at 6:35 PM, January 17th (Tuesday)]

Well after the first affair I wanted the kids. She said she would lie and say anything she had to keep them away from me if I left. Knowing that would slow me down. No indication of that now so far

Mostly she knows how to tug on my heart when I finally have had enough. The manipulation and lies, the distortion of the facts make my head spin. I end up constantly questioning my own sanity, constantly remind myself what is reality separate from her version of reality. Her angry outbursts are unreal and unsettling. She turns my concerns around on me so fast I do not know what hit me. Then she is perfectly normal and we have a good relationship. I could deal with it all but then she gets so intensely involved with this guy or that and next thing you know I am back on SI. It all goes back around and the cycle starts again. I am bound and determined to break the cycle this time.

I am in the same situation, sootired. I have been dealing with my bipolar and BPD/NPD (not sure which/both because he's only diagnosed bipolar but he lines up pretty well with both PDs) WH for way too long. I had been trying to get him to move out but just couldn't seem to get through that I no longer wanted to be in a relationship with him. He manipulated me like crazy, pushed all my empathy buttons, turned everything around on me, it was crazy making. But, one day, I was just finally done and it didn't work anymore. So, then I tried the "it will be so much better for you if you can have your own space, do your own thing, no one to answer to, you can do whatever you like, stay up as late as you want, etc etc" and THAT finally worked. I just played on his own selfishness. He moved out 2 weeks ago and the dark, ominous cloud in my house has lifted. The kids and I are soooo much better off without his mean, volatile, angry, sad, negative crap.

However, I am a little worried about what the next step (filing for D) will bring. He's sent me some hoovering texts but I've remained very little contact. I ONLY respond to texts about the kids or basic bill/financial stuff. He's had the kids over to his place 3 times in the 2 weeks but honestly I think that will dwindle over time. He likes it that they love him but he doesn't really like the work or attention that they require.

All that said, mental illness doesn't make it easier to let go, perhaps it makes it even harder. I wouldn't want to be him and it makes me very sad, very very sad, that this is his life. We've been through meds, suicidal ideation and threats, short and long-term hospitalizations and many ECT treatments, manias and depression, psychiatrists, ICs, MCs, EMDR, CBT, DBT, some of the craziest shit imaginable. I have grieved, am still grieving, and I care about him, want him to be well, but I can't keep propping up the corpse. Without me (or the kids) to blame, he'll have to sink or swim on his own, he has to make that choice. But for me, going my own way is the only way forward.

wow sun, I see he at least attempted a lot of treatment, mine would not acknowledge an issue, other than me.

I did a similar thing in using her accusations as a reason we need to D, I am so awful I don't think I am fixable type of thing.

I wonder how much is real and how much isn't. It is so hard to explain to people. But in the end, I am not her caretaker. I have to except that. My IC told me that some time ago.

My offers still stands. I was the devil incarnate when I was young (teens early twenties).

I am also diagnosed with bi-polar, however I think BPD just cycles similarly as SO many of us have both (allegedly)

You should look into the grey rock method as well.

thanks smoke and fire. I am not sure what I would even ask at this point. Had I known what this was 20 years ago, I might still be willing to try to work with her. Now I am so hollowed out I don't know if I can even take care of my own emotional well being.

Sootired, he avoided psychiatric help for many many years. But a little over a year ago he had a violent psychotic episode that resulted in 7 grown men (police and security guards) holding him down, handcuffing him and involuntarily committing him. He could no longer deny it and in order to keep his very cushy, well-paid job that he could never ever replace, he realized that he had to keep at least some level of stability. So he's med compliant but his issues are so much deeper than that. I totally understand you when you say you don't know what is real and what isn't. They just don't think like us. I can't believe the thought processes that have come out in counseling and conversation since this all happened. He truly wore a mask and mirrored my thoughts/words/actions and the thoughts of people he read (plato, aristotle, philosophers, the bible). It's like his life is a big play and he's a great actor.

And, yes, he still blames me for everything. He SAYS he owns it, but then either subtly or overtly blames me for just about every bad thing he's done or that has happened to him. I always do this or never do that. blah blah blah So, then I try to fix whatever it is that I always or never do (while realizing that's not even close to true) and instead of acknowledging that I am doing more for him, he just moves on to some other made up thing that I always/never do. It's like trying to fill up a vortex, a black hole of need and want.

I know that I'm only two weeks away from this and it has been sad, but already! my life is better. I can breathe again. I've gotten more done in two weeks than I did in the last year...and had fun doing it. I painted the entire main level of my house, hung new curtains, cleaned the garage, organized and purged, tackled all kinds of little projects that have gone undone, cleaned cleaned cleaned and have done tons of fun stuff with my kids. It's so hard to organize your brain when you are still stuck in the middle of the crazy. I just want you to know that things will get better, quickly, for you once you are able to break free and minimize contact. You just have to get to the point that you are ready to be done with it. You are at the hardest part, decision time. And the fear and sadness can be overwhelming, but just over the hump is a better life. Believe it.

BPD or Bi-polar?

t/j -

I use BPD = borderline personality disorder

BPI (or BP1)/BPII (BP2) = Bipolar I or II

And, yes, he still blames me for everything. He SAYS he owns it, but then either subtly or overtly blames me for just about every bad thing he's done or that has happened to him. I always do this or never do that. blah blah blah So, then I try to fix whatever it is that I always or never do (while realizing that's not even close to true) and instead of acknowledging that I am doing more for him, he just moves on to some other made up thing that I always/never do. It's like trying to fill up a vortex, a black hole of need and want.

YES! this EXACTLY! This is exactly what happens, usually right after I catch her doing something shady. She has blamed me for her affairs, then looked me straight in the eye and said,no I didn't. I am already working with a lawyer and have really detached. Funny thing, I have been cleaning and cleaning like crazy (pun intended) for weeks now too. My anxiety levels have dropped markedly.

For what it's worth, my ex is NPD. I left in July. and here I was still obsessively thinking about it even though I never was going to go back. I watched a ton of videos about NPD and this week has felt like digging myself out of a grave, literally. I can't really identify feelings per se, but that's what it felt like. The obsessing was part of the plan they have for their victims.

He gaslighted me so badly I could not even make a simple decision or deal with anything.

I know what an unware BPD can do to your life (and I'm aware I don't do that..). I would strongly recommend based on my own liberation, watching BPD abuse recovery videos and reading blogs about it.

You quickly learn you are most assuredly not the only one. It's all a big plan for controlling you, how and when you lost yourself and in most cases, how to get that self back. It's both sickening and evil, but more importantly that shit is REAL.

I hope you all can recover and put this behind you, it is so difficult and awful.

You is kind, important and beautiful, but more importantly you are strong, wise and kick ass.

You sound like you are on your way and doing well with detaching, sootired. It's funny how getting our brains in order helps us get our surroundings in order too (or vice versa)

I can relate, smokenfire, totally. Couldn't make simple decisions, feeling like I would die, etc. I was stuck in this cycle of shame - how could I betray myself, how could I stay, how could I deny or close my eyes to what was happening all these years, how didn't I see that he was really ill or manipulative or whatever, and finally, how could I abandon him now?

Then I came across a narcissistic abuse recovery program online and within a week, I was already like a new person. It entails journaling about what happened and then "how did I show up when that happened". It's about not being a victim and acknowledging that I allowed it. Then you let that pain, fear, shame, guilt, anxiety, rage build up wherever you feel it in your body and then release it from that place (I use a visualization of expelling ash and toxins out of my body). It can be pretty intense and has made me actually physically sick, nauseous, dizzy. But I'm making space within where the bad stuff was and then inviting the good stuff to fill that space - truth, joy, love, hope, etc.

I know it might sound weird and new-agey but I hadn't made this much progress or gained this much insight in a year of IC. And I KNOW it is really super sucky that we have to accept responsibility for allowing someone to abuse us when we didn't even recognize it as abuse. But I think us BSs are often so weighed down with shame and denial that we can't even see how ashamed and in denial we are. And once we realize what we allowed into our lives, everything murky becomes clear and we will NEVER allow it in our lives again.

I am so glad you were able to get away, smoke. That must have been so incredibly hard, terrifying really, especially since you likely struggle with abandonment issues on top of it all. I am grateful everyday for the internet and all the incredible resources that are available to us. Hugs to you all!

what was the name of the group Sun?

Sootired, sorry for the delay, but I had to check with the mods first I don't know if this is what sun was referring to but, outofthefog is a great resource for me.

I no longer have to deal with my BPD XW, but my son does. I have found it extremely useful.

T/j Worn, I have found that even health professionals will sometimes interchange the two abbreviations. Just wanted to make sure I was giving the right advice..

ETA. Sootired, your PM box is full.

[This message edited by 5454real at 2:36 PM, January 19th (Thursday)]

thanks 5454, weird about the PM box, it says it is empty