SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

For me, this has always been a taboo subject. I don't talk about it often because it hurts, and because I'm ashamed. But I hope this helps any of you who are struggling with the same thoughts. *takes a deep breath*

So here it goes - I've always been overweight. I grew up with parents/brother/sister who were all thin. I was the odd one out. I managed to lose weight at fourteen, shortly before I became friends with my WH, but he knew I had struggled with weight issues.

However, I gained a lot of a weight after my son was born. It started slowly. My WH checked out of our marriage after our son was born before I gained weight, but was quick to notice and was very vocal in being displeased about my weight gain. I was eighteen, with a sick baby, dealing with it all on my own. I stopped caring about myself and put everything into my son and trying to make my WH happy. Over the years, I gained a hundred pounds. I did lose it at one point, trying to get my WH interested in me again. He didn't care. Little did I know that he was deep in an EA at that point. I started gaining it back again when I took a very sedentary job and ended up working long hours (12+ hours a day).

Before D-Day #1, I took a good look at myself and decided to change for me this time. I started losing weight again, focusing in my health. After D-Day #1, I managed to stick with it. Through seven D-Days, I still managed to stick with it. I am now healthy and living a healthy lifestyle and am a good role model for my son. I am proud that I stuck with it, and even happier that I started before I discovered his affairs. The last thing I'd want was for him to use his infidelity as a reason for my weight loss.

Now to the point: My WH was always very vocal about my weight, to the point of emotional abuse. He stopped having anything to do with me physically (no hugs, no kisses, no touching, no talking, no sex, but he was always up for oral sex on him). On D-Day #2, he told me that his cheating would never would have happened if I had lost weight. He also told me he never would have stayed with me if I hadn't started losing weight. He said he specifically liked his APs because they were the opposite of me. (How's that for a self-esteem boost?)

I did blame myself for the longest time, which was probably a big reason why I stayed after D-Day #2. But around June of last year, I stopped blaming myself. I took a look at what I was doing - I was miserable, yes. But I could have just left him when I discovered his affairs. I didn't have to talk with him. I didn't have to try. I could have left him. But I chose to stay and talk and try.

And like me, my WH had a choice: He could have talked with me about how unhappy he was. We could have worked on it. He could have divorced me. He was the one who decided infidelity was the answer to his unhappiness. The simple fact that he slept with another woman after I was still reeling from his other two affairs was proof that it was him, not me. He was the one who decided to be a coward and an egocentric asshole.

Anyway, I truly hope that if any of you are like I was and are blaming yourself - your looks, your behaviour, etc - that you read this and realize the same thing I did: You did not cause infidelity. Your WS alone made that decision.

I can so relate, though my issue wasn't weight related. I had a problem with drinking. It started shortly after WS's EA in 2013. I drank nightly, not always to the point of being drunk but sometimes I did. WS would bring it up and I would get defensive. The night I confronted him after his last EA he used my drinking as the reason he stepped out. Like your WS, he had options. I take full responsibility for my drinking problem but I will not take responsibility for his As. The number one thing I've learned through all of this is I can only control me. I quit drinking for ME because I knew I was slowly killing myself, and for what? I've been through a lot of shit in my lifetime but I got through it. I was abused as a child and spent most of my childhood thrown from foster home to foster home. I didn't need alcohol to cope then and I certainly don't need it now. Feelings can be a scary thing but even scarier when they build up under a blanket of addiction.

Not 100% off the mark from where you are breakaway... my weight has been blamed for all kinds of things: not having kids, not "fancying" me as much, not loving him enough, etc

But one thing I notice when I look back now is that he rarely supported me other than by complaining at me and making me feel bad. When I was killing myself at the gym after work I still had to do the shopping and the cooking... I was more overweight so I was the only one at the gym 95% of the time... I was meant to accept him as he was as he gained weight... he didn't like vegetables... he would eat cookies in front of me (actually that didn't bother me)... when I lost faith or got sick after being worn out from working long hours then working out... he wouldn't support me on the basis i was not "self motivated". He gave me some cash for the gym and as far as he was concerned... his job ended at verbal "help". I was greedy, undisciplined, unhealthy, etc according to the same man who never liked to exercise and ate junk but was luckily only 10-15% overweight with thin parents.

Sooooooooo he said he was just concerned about my health. And he really wanted to be more turned on by me although he didn't find me unattractive (he would tell me i was beautiful)

In the cold hard light of day perhaps that was part of it, but I don't doubt that at least half of it was driven by his desire to have a beautiful sexy woman where he was taunted by my "potential" - yes, I was previously skinny for like 2 weeks after totally being emotionally abused by an ex - and he wanted that on his arm.

And yes, OW is thinner and has nicer teeth, nose and eyelashes than me... but I know the whole package is worse both inside and out. And I know the main thing is really not about the physical - but the mental validation she gave him that he was a MAN and that she needed to be saved (as if, she is a viper masquerading as a bunny rabbit)

I have lost weight after all this started and I am going to focus on losing more weight for myself. Especially since I realise now that subconsciously he never wanted me to lose weight since he believed no one would really want me overweight anyway - thus the lack of real support. I really don't care about his opinion on this but I cannot deny that if he gags when he sees me when I get back (fingers crossed I will be successful!!) after my great escape - and as time goes on - it will be really really sweet.

Great job breakaway! I am so glad you are now healthy and I will be inspired by that! I have about 70lbs to lose myself so it will take a while!

Ugh sorry guys you went thru this. Please know its not you and your partners that have the problem and not with you. Most of the time the people that complain about their spouses weight don't look in the mirror as they are not the model types they think they are.

What bothers me with my ex wife's affair is that she was the one that put on weight not me. But I didn't care. I still complimented her and assured her all the time I found her sexy. Guess what she was the one that cheated and the OM was much larger person than me.

So my point is don't beat yourself up or let a cheaters actions hit your self esteem. Cause in the end if a person is gonna cheat they are going to do it skinny or overweight.

Just be happy with yourself and how you look is the key.

((Breakaway)) I'm sorry you went through feeling like it was your fault because of your weight, but glad you are finally realizing it was all him, not you, that lead him to have A's. He abused you horribly with his words and actions. Affairs are all about trying to fill a void WS's feel within themselves, but are too chicken shit to talk to their spouse about to help and instead think an A is an easy fix.

I agree that it's all on the cheater. And rest assured that if they weren't blaming it on your weight they'd be blaming it on something else. There's always something they can hang it on in retrospect, rather than just admitting there was an opportunity and they were weak.

I understand. The right before the first dday, years ago, I was suicidal from the confusion about the way my WH was treating me. He was very cold and acted like I was not there. I had just had a baby, but had lost almost all my weight. I started IC for depression and started taking zoloft, which helped me so much, but it also made me gain 30 lbs. :( I have never seemed to be able to lose it, because I think really I have never had the truth about that A. A couple months into IC, I discovered his A. What a jerk! I was so depressed and to learn it wasn't even about ME it was about his A!

Anyway, this new A, on DDay he told me that if there was an application on being a wife, that I would get a TEN on all of them but physical. He frigging crushed me. I have been through so much because of his PA's and Naked pictures sent to and from women over the years that THAT is why I am fat. No more. I am losing weight as we speak, just because I know now, FINALLY, that is is HIM not me!

Hugs to you all.

I'm so sorry he used this on you.

In contrast, my husband had his affair during the best looking (IMO) time of my life. I completed a spartan trifecta this year. Until d-day I worked out 3-5 times a week. I have two young daughters but my stretch marks are all faded and I feel fantastic in a bikini, at 34. I feel more confident about my body now than I ever did in my 20s.

My body type has drastically changed since we started dating 13 years ago though. I was really curvy but petite when we were 21, 32E and a 28" waist. Total hourglass. Super self conscious but womanly. The babies ruined the boobs and the weight loss after pregnancy and getting into fitness basically shrunk them to a 34b. Sad fried eggs lol. But bras hide all the sad

Now I'm lean but not a rail, I still have curves but they are not as soft. I'm the body type I always wished I was in my youth, but AP had an even more extreme hourglass than I did at 21, to the point where she kind of looked like a fertility goddess with a manly haircut and thick specs/massive tattoos to offset her femininity. She does NOT exercise. During the A he admitted that he was not wanting to leave me for my looks. But he did critisize whatever he could- from suggesting I get implants to telling me my lips were craggy and thin like an old scot (she has very full lips). Now that he is out of the fog he sees the hurtful comments he made... but the affair had nothing to do with looks. It was all about ego. Fuck them and their belittling.

I have never had a weight issue....H chose OW, 20 years younger....I cant get younger...

Going on and off AD's twice, has made me gain some weight, but nothing big...It does make me angry that depression from H behavior, puts me thru this...after DDay, I lost a lot of weight...I was the size I was in high school...and unhealthy...I don't choose either of these.

There was no time, I felt beautiful....it was all just symtoms...up or down....I'm back to focusing on me...and working out....for me...focusing on my new bathing suit...for me...because he is not attracted to old..

Whats funny...is that his family has aging issues...including him...he aged quickly...everyone has always thought I married a much older man....and now with his illness, and years of alcohol, he has really aged...yet he doesn't see it...he lives in denial....I have pointed this out..

I smile about it....because once again...he is delusional...and I am ok... I wish it had not taken so long to really believe this...my self esteem was shot...for no real reason. None of this was because of me....it was his fantasy thinking....his conning himself. and OW. He looks very old.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 4:47 PM, January 19th (Thursday)]

Breakaway, I know that took a lot of courage and I applaud you for it.

For me, I was the opposite. I have been painfully skinny my entire life. While I was pregnant and at my heaviest, I was a size 7. I normally wore a size 2 and returned to that size within weeks of having my kids.

I starved myself to be slender and attractive for WH. Like your WH, he was extremely critical and emotionally abusive about my appearance. He nitpicked everything about me. Everything.

In the few years before D-day, I started gaining weight. I just didn't care anymore and decided to stop starving myself. I gave myself a free pass on eating everything I denied myself over the years. This got worse after D-day. I went from 105 pounds to 208 pounds at my heaviest.

My WH gave me crap about it during the first year after R when he wasn't remorseful. But I got a chip on my shoulder about it. I flat out told him that if he could not love me for who I was as a person and could only love me when I was a certain pants size, then he didn't truly love me at all and I deserved better. If he couldn't love me at my worst, he damn sure didn't deserve to love me when I was at my best. That he had no right to dictate to me what size I should or should not be and that I was perfectly capable of deciding that for myself.

I hate to say it, but I hung onto my fat suit as an act of defiance. I was at my heaviest when I got fed up with his shit and I was still at my heaviest when we started true R and even for the first year+ of it. It's only been in the past few months that I have decided to get healthy for myself. It isn't about starving myself. It's all about getting healthy.

And you know what? My WH has become my biggest supporter regardless of what my weight is. He loved me and was faithful to me when I was at my heaviest. For the past two years, he's had eyes for me only which has been nice. I know that his love for me isn't shallow like that. If it were, he'd be history because I deserve better than that.

So far, I have lost 35 pounds and I plan on continuing that to get to a healthy weight of 125 so I have a little over 50 pounds to go.

I hope you reach the point where you refuse to settle for less than the love and respect that you deserve in life. No matter what our size or difficulty in life, everyone deserves to be loved and respected. You do too.

I have never been more than probably 10 lbs over but I still had lots of issues with being perfect. I am very active and so is WH. We have a lot in common that way.

SO, when I was in between jobs, I decided to train for a marathon. I had the time now. I was running a lot. A LOT. He loved joining me on my runs/workouts. We really were having so much fun. I was in the absolute best shape of my adult life. THAT is when he fell into his EA. She was 15 years younger and that is the one thing I can't be. After that, I really struggled with it. I lost all motivation and never got around to actually run the marathon because I stopped everything. I was lethargic. I was just not interested in feeling good anymore. That lasted about a year and I did get back into shape...but I did it for me. He has no part of it, he is not invited to join. This belongs to me now. I don't talk with him about what I am doing and it really bothers him. But he ruined it... and I am owning my own health.

I think that he was going to cheat regardless of how much I weighed or looked.

Thank you all for sharing. I know how difficult it can be to feel like you're to blame, and the stories you share are proof that they can cheat no matter what you look like or how you act or what you do. (Which is hopelessly depressing if you think about it too much, but this forum is also proof that good, faithful people still exist.)

Thanks for sharing your story Breakaway. My lose ex found many things wrong with me during his affair. Most were things true about him...which, at the time I was trying be get him back, we're confusing. Cheaters need excuses for their behavior and will find anything, or make anything up, to turn the blame on us. It's very hurtful and damaging. Pain heaped on more pain.

This is something I struggle with. I have yo-yo ed up and down over the years. Unfortunately more up than down. Since D-day I have gained even more weight and am currently obese.

Although we had a good sex life i was convinced that me being severely overweight was why my husband was seeking out other women. Almost every profile he ever made referred to him being in great shape and looking for the same.

He swears that me and my weight had nothing to do with it. He was at the time disconnected from me and severely angry at the world.

He's truly remorseful. His words and actions show he loves me more now than ever and accepts me the way I am.

however, I find it hard to keep accept that my body had nothing to do with his activity. Especially having read some comments he made in a forum (nothing to do with dating sites) about being grossed out by overweight women at the gym and that the reason husband's cheat is because women let themselves go) I am ashamed of where I am at and I refuse to change in front of him. We used to shower together and have naked hot tubs together until I read the profiles he wrote and the comments that he made. That there never were any connections made is irrelevant. He swears up and down he really wasnt looking for anythjng IRL.The fact that he even put it out there has killed my self esteem.

After D-day I told myself I refused to lose weight for HIM - it didn't matter how much weight Ilost iI would never look like anyone he messaged.

I know I should lose weight for me , get healthy for me but I was hit so hard by this betrayal it was all I could do to make it through a day. Now things are worse. I gained back the 45 lbs I lost just before Dday.. I got a dog so I would walk but cant even do thaat as I am recovering from a car accident in November and then a fall down the stairs in December. I had been swimming in the pool.my husband got me but we have had an unusually severe winter. I joined tai chi but a sudden severe illness put me in the hospital for week. I just got out and face another 10 days of recovery. It's like 1 step forward and 3 steps back.

I know what it takes to lose 100 lbs and I just don't even know if I can deal with it while trying deal with R

sorry for the long vent. I am just frustrated :)

lizziej, I wanted to send hugs and support. I am so sorry that you're here, and I can completely empathize.

If you are interested, I can PM you some details on what I'm doing to stay on track.

I think WS dribble about this is bunk. I think marriage negates your physical preference. Wouldn't everyone, if there was like a sex partner store, pick a healthy physically fit young person (assuming you couldn't know anything about their insides).

My ex took horrible care of himself and he was very overweight. I never once was physically repulsed by him (now I am but it's his indsides that bother me). I certainly wouldn't have dated him if we had been single and met then, but I never once critcized him or said I would have sex with him if he were thinner or whatever.

I think when you are in a marriage you love the person regardless of their weight. My BFF (a guy) weighed 400 lbs and had to have gastric bypass. His wife never left him.

It's just more bunk to put on the BS.

Uggh I just spent an hour typing out a super long soul baring comment only to have it disappear.

Breakaway thanks for the support and hugs !

I'll recreate my post later :(

t/j

Lizzie, that happens to me ALLLLL the time. I started using a word document so if it happens I can hit the undo button. It's cause your hand hits the mousepad or some junk like that.

For me, it's not about gaining weight. I am not overweight and have always used physical activity as a release of stress. Never thought too much about it, I just enjoyed staying in shape for me. After Dday, I dropped down to 103 lbs from stress. I've gained a few lbs back, but now find I feel like I need to work out and eat perfectly. I know fWs spouse did not cheat because of my physical appearance, but it's become a bit of a control thing. I'm not anorexic or anything, but I workout like crazy and keep to a pretty strict diet. It's like having a firm ass will protect me from infidelity ( ha!!). I just all of the sudden feel like I have to stay in shape. His ex ap wasn't even cute, and her body was nothing special.

Skinny people get cheated on. curvy people get cheated on. overweight people get cheated on. It's hard to believe but so true..... it is not your fault that you were cheated on. People have all sorts of options. Normal people don't rob a store, just cause they're unhappy with the prices.

[This message edited by heartneedsglue at 4:50 PM, February 4th (Saturday)]