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Why do you think you have to file for divorce in order to file for Child Support?

Of COURSE your husband is loving the current situation - he gets to play Father of the Year for his kids, and then walk out without so much as a backward glance and go spend the night with his girlfriend. What's not to love about that - if you're a lying, manipulative cheater?

Listen very carefully.

FILE FOR CHILD SUPPORT.

There's a reason so many people are telling you to DO this. As a general rule (I'm assuming you're in the US) the first order of support is configured on a percentage of his TOTAL salary. Second and subsequent child support orders are configured on his salary AFTER deducting for any other current support orders.

So it's to your advantage to be the first one in line. Don't let HER be first!!

Sweetie -- you have five children, home school, have a cheating husband, and you are breast feeding on top of that. You have more on your plate than anyone should so please take care of yourself. And, gently, at the very least, consult an attorney to find out what you can expect if you file for child support, separation, or divorce. There are way too many unknowns right now and you need concrete information, no speculation. And if this woman is pregnant with your husband's child, his time/resources will be divided again. Do you honestly think he will be stepping up to help you when his newest child is born? Again, you don't have to make any decisions now but maybe you should consider having your school age kids start public schools in the fall. That will give them plenty of time to adjust to a new situation. Who knows, they may even be excited about it. Please take care of yourself. We are all here for you and you are in my prayers.

How are you today Divided?

I feel a need to jump on this bandwagon.

There is NOT a thing I can add that has not already been said - the most important of which is - -

FILE FOR CHILD AND SPOUSAL SUPPORT - NOW.

You have to do this LEGALLY in order for it to happen.

Your feelings for your husband is clouding your judgement and you haven't reached that ANGER stage yet - -

Unfortunately - we can all tell you - no matter which way this goes - YOU WILL!

If it doesn't go the way you want - then the OW woman will have him and first dibbs on his MONEY.

YOUR children - will be the losers.

That's when YOU will HATE yourself.

For selling out YOUR children - and their SECURITY -

because you were so in love -

despite all he had done -

lying - cheating - leaving - getting another woman pregnant -

LEAVES me and his children for her -

and then - CONTINUES to see her -

AS he visits you and the children -

and YOU - playing the "pick-me-dance"

Do you see how this is playing out?

If you do NOTHING else - for the sake of your children - FILE for child support.

It is SO true - that the law DOES NOT CARE how many children you have - or - how old they are -

The LAW cares about - WHO FILES FIRST.

END OF STORY. HER one will get (for most people) 25% of his TOTAL salary - and your 5 will get - whatever is left over in the 75% that's left.

THEN - you WILL get mad.

But by then - it will be to late.

Montana12...I am doing well today. Thank you for asking . And thanks to you and everyone who has said they are praying for me. It means a lot. I wish I cld pm because we have a lot in common and I have questions for you.

My friend has actually had a consult with an attorney for me and he said that the OW cannot file for support until her baby is born (July). I do need to consult him myself.

I feel like there is always so much conflicting information....don't do anything so quickly you may regret vs file right away to shock them. Do the 180 if they are unremorseful vs just file right away? Am I the only one this confuses?

Money is an issue so I guess I need to find out how much it is to file strictly for child support vs an entire divorce. My guess is the costs are similar and then I have to figure all that out.

I wish I had someone to tell me exactly what to do step by step but I know that's not realistic. Cheater handbook or not, we all have different lives with different dynamics.

Because my husband and I text quite a bit and he is constantly saying he is sorry and none of this is my fault, it seems wrong for me to just randomly file for divorce vs giving us time. Anymore advice is appreciated. I'm sure I'm giving some of you ulcers because I come across as a doormat.

And to clarify, I will absolutely protect my children before this so-called love child is born. There are no questions there. I'm just trying to figure out what is best for me and my kids in the meantime. Once I file (cs or divorce) the boat may be rocked so much we lose access to all the money we have. I love my husband but not enough to jeopardize my kids. I don't think I've made myself clear on where I stand with that, so I definitely agree and realize cs is on a first come first serve basis.

Because my husband and I text quite a bit and he is constantly saying he is sorry and none of this is my fault, it seems wrong for me to just randomly file for divorce vs giving us time

Did he give you a heads up by text when he decided to fuck this girl and get her pregnant? He is counting on how nice and considerate you are and is hoping you will not change.

He knows this about you, and he is manipulating you through guilt. He actually has been doing so for a long time.

Look, you would not be "randomly" filing for divorce. Look at it this way....filing for divorce will freeze the assets until the matter is settled. Filing for divorce does not mean you will divorce. In fact it might save your marriage. However, it will give you time to figure things out and provide some financial protection in the meantime. It will also let you watch his response and learn even more about his character and what he values. Do not tip your hand to him. He has been controlling all the information up until DD. Now, please take back your power.

Filing for divorce offers your kids and you financial protection. Divorce is a business transaction. He is threatening the stability of your 5 children. He doesn't care about you 6, because if he did he would be protecting you and establish NC with the girl.

You seem to think if you make him mad the money will go away. What if you make him mad before you file and he takes the money anyway...then you are screwed.

Regardless of if you decide to file, please go see an attorney to educate yourself on what would happen if you divorce in your state. With this baby coming time is not on your side, so move quickly.

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 11:56 AM, January 21st (Saturday)]

We advise to not make any big decisions for a few months after dday, when you seem to have a remorseful WS who wants to attempt reconciliation.

You don't have that.

He is still in the affair. He isn't living in the house. But he is taking full advantage of your feelings for him, and your fear.

When a WS is unremorseful, and still in the affair, the best thing you can do is act quickly,decisively, and aggressively. File. Go for full custody, exclusive use of the home, spousal support,etc.

Shake him up. He's eating cake. Close the bakery.

I feel like there is always so much conflicting information....don't do anything so quickly you may regret vs file right away to shock them. Do the 180 if they are unremorseful vs just file right away? Am I the only one this confuses?

Sweetie, I'm so sorry this happened to you. I get the feeling though that you're looking for tactics to save your marriage, and certainly making things REAL for a WS sometimes makes them realize they're losing what they most want, but sometimes it doesn't.

Doing the 180 is for YOU to detach emotionally. It's not about bringing him back. Filing for divorce insures that you're first in line for child and spousal support and that he can't barge into your home or take your children out of it without your permission. These things are to protect your family.

Gently as I can, the marriage you had is over. The future is something different than what you had envisioned from here on out. Whether your WH ever pulls his head out of his ass and joins you there isn't known yet. But you can't make plans based on unknown elements. You've got a whole family to think about and that guy has flaked. That's what's happening today.

Work within the parameters of what is known and what you have control over.

Thank you all for continuing to spell things out for me. I need to hear these things. My mind and my heart are in conflict 24/7 it seems.

I know, hon. We've all been there... stunned, not knowing what to do next. It's the most horrible feeling in the world, like everything you knew has been ripped away. So, we all get it.

You're gonna be okay though. It might not feel like it right now, but you'll get through this.

((hugs))

FILING for DIVORCE does not mean you have to finalize it and it does not mean you can't remarry one day.

This guy needs a HUGE slap in the face and he needs to know you mean business or he will CONTINUE to walk all over you.

Please see a lawyer yourself. You need some real life legal advice. If you do not have the funds (probably about $300 for a consult) you can look up legal assistance and they will find FREE legal advice for you.

He thinks you are weak. BE STRONG.

look up Beyond Affairs and Affair Recovery. Good info. from a biblical standpoint.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:27 PM, January 21st (Saturday)]

Given the dynamics of your situation - the only thing you are doing is ENABELING and RE-INFORCING your husband's bad behavior and TOTAL disrespect for you AND your children.

He has no reason to think about you or any conflicts cause he knows JUST HOW TO PLAY YOU.

And YOU - are being PLAYED.

You probably think that your situation is different - your husband is special - and that he will miraculously turn into a person who will come around and treat you with decency and respect.

YOU ARE SO WRONG!!

We have seen this scenario a THOUSAND times.

He is doing the GARDEN-VARIETY play on you.

YEAH - he texts you several times a day - and then go visits the OW.

But - he shows NO INTEREST in coming back home to YOU and the children.

YEAH - he comes by the house and plays with the children - and you hoover in the background or go into your room to give him his time with the children.

Yeah - you treat him nice and lovingly as he spits on your marriage - and you ASK for more.

This is so SAD.

We are all sad for you - because we KNOW what the deal is.

So he gets to still ENJOY home - and I bet you feed him too.

You are doing EVERYTHING for him NOT to have a reason to come back home to you and the children.

That's all you are doing.

Until he experiences discomfort and consequences - he will continue to play you because all you are doing is telling him I don't matter. The children don't matter.

So what if he is not worthy - you will sacrifice your children - their financial stability - as well as their love and RESPECT for YOU - the person who should be protecting them - because you are to weak and unwilling to see what is REAL.

What is real?

He lacks character and integrity.

He is GONE. You gave him 5 children - and he is GONE.

He has ANOTHER WOMAN PREGNANT.

He lied to you and cheated on you - but hey - you will still act sweet and loving to him.

It is just sad.

It will be even worse when he starts bringing the OW around your children - or take them WITH HIM to visit HER.

Just you wait.

This needs to be said AGAIN - Confused got it right -

We advise to not make any big decisions for a few months after dday, when you seem to have a remorseful WS who wants to attempt reconciliation.

You don't have that.

He is still in the affair. He isn't living in the house. But he is taking full advantage of your feelings for him, and your fear

.

No - this is just SAD and predictable.

it seems wrong for me to just randomly file for divorce vs giving us time. Anymore advice is appreciated. I'm sure I'm giving some of you ulcers because I come across as a doormat.

WHAT US?

How about this - was it wrong to F@CK another woman WITHOUT using condoms - and LYING to you when you questioned him when you KNEW something was going on - and LEAVING you and the children - ALL OF THIS BEHIND YOUR BACK - and here you are asking if it is wrong to randomly file for divorce without giving US time.

Did he give the concept of US (you and him) time?

Or - did he SHOW you just how UNIMPORTANT you and your children are?

Where were you guys when he was playing house with her?

Do you think it was a RANDOM act or a DELIBERATE act?

So he texts and communicates with you more - NOW that he is free and OUT OF THE HOUSE to spend the time where he wants - with the OW.

And you - you are just waiting in the wings - thinking that "IF" I can only SHOW him how much I love him - he will see this and come back.

No - my dear - all you are doing is REINFORCING his current lifestyle by going along with THIS flow. That's all you are doing.

My Opinion

Can Not Believe

[This message edited by Can Not Believe at 5:26 PM, January 21st (Saturday)]

One thing you must do right away is open a bank account in your name only and begin putting money in it. If you do file for divorce and WHEN you file for CS, take half of the money out of your joint accounts and put in in your own account.

How can you make it if you file for divorce?

I worried about the same thing.

Just some ideas for you:

My atty said, don't rock the boat bc WS was paying everything when he moved out. (But, there was no other child on the way).

He said squirrell $$ away in safe. and get a secret credit card in my name only, don't necessarily use it, it was for an emergency if xh stopped taking care of us.

Then when I was ready,

I filed for a legal separation-my bro secretly paid the atty1500.

I changed the locks.

Xh got served. SURPRISE!!!!!

I played hardball to take care of my kids !

He was court ordered to pay the house payment plus child support

during the separation and keep the kids on insurance. In your case, he might be ordered to pay child care!! That would include someone to come in while you look for a job-- and you could walk around the mall while you were out. it might take you 6 months of "looking" for a job while he pays the babysitter.

I secretly (didnt tell WS) got us on SNAP (food stamps). I got around 250/mo for 2 kids. You might also get WIC. I secretly put the kids on Medicaid in case there were copays. If you have a large savings acct, though, you might not qualify. I was told by the SNAP worker if I had come in B4 I filed the legal separation, I would have gotten 580/mo because they look at it from a legal standpoint- he wasn't LEGALLY ordered to pay me anything!!!! 2kids, no income = 580/mo. BTW I just looked online 6 person home w/o income is $925/mo in SNAP. That would help you make it!!!

I got 1/2 the 401k in the D. I used the money plus a small part time job. The tax hit was not bad bc I had so little income. He has to pay child support, insurance for the kids, 75% of med bills AND orthodontics.

I got a small PT job doing greeting cards.I got a HUGE tax refund that first year almost $5,000! - it's called the Earned Income Tax Credit--it's built into the tax code, but it's for low wage earners w kids.

(You can go online to turbo tax and create a hypothetical return. (Don't finalize of course). It will show your refund in the upper right corner as you go along. I THINK if you plug in any income as head of household with 5 kids, you would get major tax credits. This gives you money to live on for the next year. I think there are credits for child care. You can stop by an H&R block and sit down with someone who is legit. I am NOT a tax professional!

So,,,, start thinking of how you WILL make it without him, and stay at home, too. He's not thinking clearly. My xh actually gave me the house, I never have to refi, all the contents, gave me our boat, and I got to choose which vehicle I got.

***I read "Love Must Be Tough" by Dr James Dobson. He says to NOT ACCEPT being disrespected. He says many counselors say to "nice" your husband back. Dr. Dobson says that rarely works. He says there IS a time for niceness, but AFTER you stand up for your family. He says our spouses have crossed the line of respect over and over and to tolerate this actually pushes the WS away. It REALLY helped me. The whole book is from a biblical standpoint, BUT more about standing up, not taking crumbs. It's a quick, easy read and finally cleared my head.

The book worked for me, in that WS wanted to come back. However, I realized if he didn't get major therapy, he would do it again, and my kids and I couldn't take that. I insisted he get help for 6 months b4 he could come back. He wouldn't do that. I realized a grown ass man, who couldn't go to therapy for 6 months to save his family wasn't good enough for us. I divorced him.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 7:54 PM, January 21st (Saturday)]

You are getting some really great advice from people who have been where you are. One thing should be clear from the above posts and from experience (D-day 1) You've got to do something...you can't hope it will work it's way out.

My best guess is that WH has already seen a lawyer and realizes how much he has to lose if you divorce. His best bet is to play nice with you. Keep you happy so that nothing is put into writing. This way he get's to keep his gf, his family and his money. Are you able to see how much he is spending? If he has taken out another CC? He could be running you financially into the ground "treating his gf" right now. He could be helping her with rent, supporting her while she's pg...

We advise to not make any big decisions for a few months after dday, when you seem to have a remorseful WS who wants to attempt reconciliation.

You don't have that.

He is still in the affair. He isn't living in the house. But he is taking full advantage of your feelings for him, and your fear

I know it's hard but you need to get your ducks in a row for the kids and baby now. Don't tell him you are seeing a lawyer, don't tell him you are filing for child support, don't tell him you are stashing money... just do it.

I know doing a 180 with kids is hard but you need to detach from this man. "The kids are fine" is a far cry from details about each child's day, the funny things they said and did, and how much they miss him. This isn't bring him back this is meeting his emotional family needs while he treats his family like crap.

While all of this advice seems geared toward Divorce in reality it's geared toward getting you out of infidelity as quickly and painlessly as possible.

Think about it. Right now he has a wonderful family (you included) that he can visit whenever he wants to and a young girlfriend he gets to sleep with at night. Nobody is making waves so it must be ok for everyone... it's certainly working for him. It's going to go on this way as long as you let it.

Now let's think about what he has if you file. Suddenly, he may lose his money, his wife, his kids, his girlfriend and he must face these consequences and make decisions. Reality, you might not want her around you kids but... no matter how wonderful you know they are, do you really think a 22 yo would last more than one visit? He is going to be on his own with them... Suddenly, he has to schedule visitation out of the house for 5 kids...and something tells me you do most of the child care.

I realize the above might sound like I'm putting revenge in front of the kids needs but it really is giving him a dose of reality...

I guess what I'm trying to say is the sooner you rock his world the sooner you are going to get results and out of this horrible limbo. My best guess is that after you file he is going to try to move back in.

[This message edited by Freeme at 7:14 AM, January 22nd (Sunday)]

Divided; I've been thinking of you all day. How are things going?

One of the things I needed to face the most was my fear. Which was irritating since I have never been afraid of anything - another wonderful side effect of infidelity

Anyway, I didn't know how I would support myself and 4 kids, worried my WH would just throw in the towel and leave us, worried about the damage to my babies being a product of a broken home etc etc...

First, God has not given us a spirit of fear. Second, we did NOT do this to our children...our WH's did. We are NOT responsible for their poor decisions. And lastly, there is grace, oh so much grace for our situations. That was really hard for me to wrap my head around. I felt like a failure and that my kids' lives were ruined. NOT TRUE! God is here in our situations

There's this messed up idea that bc we're Christians...we have to keep the marriage together at all costs. Again, not true. We are to have faith regardless of what happens. He is with us both in reconciliation or divorce. Should we be open to forgiveness....that's a given even if WS is not remorseful as unforgiveness only hurts us but if WS is living in sin (I know, dramatic but it is what it is) and won't be reasoned with, the Bible tells us to expel that person. This is your situation and my heart is broken for you truly But you're going to be alright ((((hugs))))

Homewrecked2011: Your advice was so needed...the nitty gritty details. I seriously feel like I need someone to hold my hand thru this. It is such a mess cuz we already qualify for that stuff but don't "need" it so don't use it. Guess I need to quit being prideful and get help.

Love must be tough is what I've been reading and using since the get go which is why I kicked him out. The book says to tell them you love them and want the marriage to work but to let them go...leave them alone...let them continue in the affair and you go on with your life. He is very anti divorce and not even gung-ho on separation so did we read the same book?.... How long was your husband gone before he tried to come back?

Is a legal separation enough to knock him off the fence? From most posters on here they don't recommend it, but I'm just not ready to file. I do want to not be a doormat though. I didn't think I was, but I know he doesn't think I'll leave. I get that.

The OW mom msg me back today. She was friendly but obviously defended her daughter. I'm very annoyed she said her daughter wouldn't stand in the way of our marriage yet I spoke to the OW myself and told her he is married with 5 kids and she continued to sleep with him and play house for the past 6 weeks!!! Ummmm....it takes 2 to have an affair. Whatever. She now knows that we really do exist and they are both foolish to cont. believing a selfish liar. If he will cheat on me after 13 yrs and 5 kids with are they thinking he will do to her?!

Montana: I get it. I do. He is most definitely living in sin and I know I can't control the outcome but I don't wanna give up on God. I believe in a God that can move mountains and He could be doing amazing things behind the scenes. Of course I don't want to suffer but I'm supposed to die to self daily...I could go on and on but I will email you later as non christians problem don't wanna hear me talk like this.

Thank you all for continuing to give me advice. I know I have to act and make moves.

God can do amazing things behind the scenes while you do amazing things in your real life. You can file or threaten or whatever and God can still work miracles. The reality is that your husband, if he were to return home, is likely to do this again if there are no real world consequences. He needs to know you are not going to sit back and let your lives (yours and your kids) run haywire on his latest whims.

The 180 is good. It helps you live your life and be happy and detached from the crazy that your H is thrusting upon you. He shouldn't be able to have his family waiting on him to decide to pop in and pretend to be a great dad.

Filing for something will let him know you aren't going to wait forever for him to make his decision. Personally, I wouldn't want to be a decision in waiting. But I get that you have the kids to think about. I truly feel that pushing his decision isn't going to change it. It's just going to get you out of limbo sooner. Perhaps you can give him an end date. 3 days or whatever.

I'd also tell him he isn't welcome to use your home as his occasional feel good retreat. That unless he's coming home for good, he needs to make other plans.

I wish you the very best.