SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Your husband is actively in an affair. It's not appropriate to start thinking about reconciliation at this point. The affair has to be over for reconciliation to be considered. Don't listen to his words, just track his actions. It's super easy for him to text you apologies to ease his guilt. Takes two seconds to text. He's giving hours and hours and hours to the OW.

I don't think waiting out the affair for 2 years is a sound strategy. If she's truly having his baby, this is not something that is going to go away. You need to protect yourself and your kids. I'm glad others have had specific tips for you on the financial front.

You should file. It doesn't mean you were the one to end the marriage. It just means you filed, that's all. It's your WH who ended the marriage. Your husband got another woman pregnant... no one is going to say YOU ended the marriage.

I'm struggling. I'm so angry that he has done this to me and the kids. Sometimes I have really really bad days like today where I'm just SO mad I end up breaking NC and letting him have it....cuz when I feel like this I don't care. I don't care that I look crazy or that I'm feeding his emotional needs even if negative. I get so tired of playing these head games. I just want my old life back. One day he is my husband and in my home and I can laugh and talk with him and the next minute he's gone...a stranger. I feel like I let the cage door open and he just ran.

I'm so pissed off. He is running around playing house with a 22 year old and acting single to everyone else. Doing whatever the hell he wants while I continue to pick up the pieces and try and make sure our 5 kids know I will never leave them.

How the hell do people do this?! I'm a good wife. Who is blessed to have a woman that would discover her husband got somebody else pregnant...that he had been living a double life for a year...and she would say she is willing to try and work it out? Cuz that woman is me and my selfish ass husband still treats me like crap and keeps on running. If I had a husband like that I would feel so blessed and thankful.

I'm angry he went from being a great dad to a dad that sees his kids twice a week. I'm so angry for my kids. I would never choose to be a single mom to 5 kids. My family doesn't help me at all. It is literally me and my kids.

I'm tired. I'm so tired of this. I'm angry he made this mess and even though I'm drowning I can't just run away cuz I have to keep life going for 5 little people.

I'm angry he hasn't filed for divorce. What is he waiting for? I married for life but guess what? To add insult to injury I'm gonna be forced to file because he is just gonna keep on running.

I could go on and on and on. I know I'm the prize. I know he will never find anyone else like me. He agrees but actions speak louder than words.

I spoke to the home wrecker the day after I found out and told her...No he isn't single. He is married with 5 kids. I was too nice to her. Cuz she turned around and f**ked him 2 days later and hasn't stopped. Who does that?! What is she thinking? Ummmm....he cheated on me with her while I was pregnant and never stopped. Yet because she is pregnant she is special?! He abandoned me and our 5 kids but she wants him?!

Yeah...good luck with that. 22 yrs old. First kid. Sounds lovely to have 5 extra every other weekend huh? They are both so stupid. I'm the ONLY adult in this situation. The ONLY one thinking of the future and I'm tired of it.

Post here when you feel like contacting him and venting. He most likely feels like a real prize with two women vying for his attention. So sorry he is behaving like an ass.

Please see an attorney and file for divorce and child support.

He keeps showing you who he is ... believe him.

He cheated, he left, he got her pregnant. Protect your kids.

It's hard, it's devastating.... but now this is your life. He doesn't care. He is in lala land.

This is a total game changer and even if and when he wakes up... your life will not be the same. You have to face (very difficult), deal with and protect your kids and yourself.

No question.... he is a total lowlife. Maintain NC.

I am so sorry.

I'm angry he hasn't filed for divorce. What is he waiting for? I married for life but guess what? To add insult to injury I'm gonna be forced to file because he is just gonna keep on running.

He will never file because he truly is "living the life". The longer you wait to file for CS and/or divorce the more he thinks this way of life is ok (with both of you).

He knows how much he is going to lose when you file so he is playing just nice enough to keep you from doing anything.

Please meet with a lawyer and file.

So I finally felt ready to make a move and I did it last night. I gave my WH an ultimatum and yet, now I have regrets. I wanted to do it in person. I did it via text messages...LOTS of them. What I wanted to be short and sweet ended up being hours worth of texting with me laying out exactly what will be expected of him if he comes home. I never backed down. He tried a lot to scare me and manipulate me but I didn't back down.

Little back story...about a month ago he started to change...come out of the "fog" it seemed. He started seeing our kids a lot more, working overtime to make up for the money he had been spending, texting me hinting at coming home. And I assumed his ap was outta the picture. Now I believe he still sees her at least occasionally and admits to texting her with the excuse that she is pregnant. He still denies ever seeing her which, I'm not a fool. Anyway, I know I changed my behavior. I've been making it clear I'm not gonna continue in this "marriage" and maybe it scared him and so he upped his game. I dunno.

So he took my ultimatum seriously. I could tell. And while he frantically pushed back; I didn't cave. He even agreed to come home to talk after work but then said that didn't mean he was "rushing back in." I said no. You are either all in or all out. No more "living in his car" and if he wasn't here this morning ready to talk and agree to all my stipulations and move back in when he got off work then I was filing for divorce.

Based on what he said, I REALLY thought he would show up. He didnt. 3am was my last text to him and then nothing. And now I'm scared. This is for real. I really am going to call the lawyer and file for divorce. And why....if he so obviously took me seriously and said he didn't want a divorce....why didn't he show up today?

Things got ugly last night in our msgs cuz I wasn't afraid to lay it on the line and he knew. He was panicking, but one minute he would agree to my "requirements" and the next say this was a dictatorship and no way was he coming. And now I did it and I have to move forward with the nagging guilt of "Did I do the right thing?" He was making noticeable moves to come home and should I have just let him do it on his own timetable? And....did I push too hard? I didn't want to focus on what I'm willing to do so I probably did come off as a dictator.

What if I messed up? What if I really am gonna be a single mom to 5 kids now? A poor one at that cuz we won't have his income anymore and I am currently a sahm. Now my kids won't see him as much and he was getting back to "normal" and seeing them almost everyday. .....I'm struggling with this HUGE change.

I understand that your marriage is important for religious reasons. But you cannot do marriage by yourself. I don't believe being a christian means subverting yourself for someone else.

Gently;

You are paralyzed by fear, (a feeling I am all too familiar with) and hoping to control something you cannot. You can't change him, you can't make him want to be a decent person. It is time to accept your reality and protect yourself and your kids.

I get it is terrifying to pull the trigger, but action makes that fear go away. Nothing is worse than the unknown. The sooner you start working on your new life the easier this will get. Who knows, maybe he will change, probably not. Either way you need to start moving forward.

Living in limbo is taking a serious toll on you, and your kids can't be loving it either. Putting them in school would be rough, but is the situation now really any better?

Our lives have to change when we discover infidelity. We have some say in the way they change, we have no say in whether someone else changes.

Divided, he didn't show up because he's still with OW and was testing the waters with you by hinting at coming home. He's been lying about only occasionally seeing her. He wanted to come home only if it meant he could still keep seeing her without you knowing and playing happy family at her house whenever it was convenient. Truthfully, most WS do not want to divorce. They want their BS at home with the kids and their GF/BF on the side. It does not mean much when he says he doesn't want a D. What he's really saying is he doesn't want to pay you child support and alimony while coming and going as he pleases.

I also wanted to point out that over and over you have said that most posters don't recommend divorce or separation right after DDay. That is ONLY true when you have a remorseful WH who has gone NC with the OW. You do not have that. You have never had that. Posters will almost always recommend you to divorce because he is still seeing OW so when you start to think, "Well, maybe I shouldn't divorce because it's not recommended," REMIND yourself that that is not true for your situation because your WH is still cheating with the OW and DO IT. This situation will not get better for you until you see a lawyer and file. He can't just cut you off from the money but if your lawyer recommends that you wait then that's okay too. Just get some legal advice and get someone to advocate on you and your children's behalves right away.

You laid out your terms and he has rejected them. Taking him back on anything less than the full terms that you laid out will enslave you to his whims for the rest of your natural life and your babies along with you.

File. Beat the OW to the punch on child support.

Really glad you stood up for yourself! I know you feel scared, but you should also feel proud. You said "no more" to his ongoing affair.

Don't doubt yourself, he was not on his way home. The only sign of that would be for him to go no contact with the OW (while he might want a relationship with the baby, there is absolutely no reason for him to be in touch with her during the pregnancy) and for him to get into counseling. If he's not doing more than sending texts and being slightly less of a jerk, then that doesn't qualify. Never assume he has stopped seeing her. The only safe assumption is that he is still seeing her, and often, until he proves otherwise.

Yes, you do need to follow through on seeing a lawyer and filing. Otherwise he will not take you seriously going forward. You are not a "dictator", that's ridiculous. You are just a woman with boundaries who has decided she doesn't want an open marriage and that it's not ok for her husband to continue sleeping with his pregnant OW.

I am curious and I am asking this with good intentions.

How would you be able to get through the mind flashbacks of how long it took him to come home???

The flashbacks of your children being hurt this way?

The flashbacks of his attitude when you told him your terms?

The affair flashbacks are bad enough. But to have flashbacks for these horrific months and weeks...looking back and seeing how submissive you are/were. To look back on how you handled this.

You do not work. Your children have been home schooled. You have 5 children. You will get half of all assets including retirement. Contact several lawyers. Take half of savings now and open your own account.

This is time to put your game face on. You have been a doormat long enough. And absolutely file NOW and get child support first. Your concern is being a single mom to 5 kids and "poor". If you don't file first--you will only be poorer. What state are you in? We can look up statues.

Do this--

Get your marriage liscense

Every single piece of financial paperwork in the house. Everything. Make him hunt it down for his attorney.

Every birth certificate.

Every social security card.

Every single tax return in the house.

Your wills.

Everything. Get it today and tonight. Bring it to your best friends house.

Get on the phone today. Contact the top 10 attorneys in your county. Meet with each one. This will cost 100-300 a visit. If you can't afford to do this, do the top 5. You want to block his ass from the best attorneys.

Your alimony depends on the fact that your children have been homeschooled. Because this was a life choice made together.....it will help you to figure out your financial needs.

Lady--you make it work homeschooling multiple children while having an infant. You seriously can be a single mother. People would pay you cash to tutor their children. There are a million ways to come out of this.

I absolutely understand wanting to preserve the marriage for the family unit. It is why I have stayed. The difference? My husband is so far and beyond the point of having his head out of his ass. And it has been soooo hard!!! There is not a more remorseful spouse than my husband. He took Linda McDonalds book as his bible.

Also please get in to see an I/C.

[This message edited by Iwantmyglasses at 1:46 PM, March 3rd (Friday)]

Two more pieces of advice. Any life insurance polices--can be ordered to continue with you as the beneficiary.

And let him have the first 1-2 kids to deduct on his income tax return.

You want the last three?? Why?? Because you will be able to claim the deduction longer.

Actually--since he would be able to deduct your alimony from his income---you want all 5 kids. He has another one from OW to deduct.

And now I did it and I have to move forward with the nagging guilt of "Did I do the right thing?" He was making noticeable moves to come home and should I have , ust let him do it on his own timetable?

No, no, no his time table is to keep things status quo. Keep you away from lawyers so you don't know what youre entitled to. Just feed you little bits of hope while never really planning to leave OW. This limbo could go on forever because you want so much to believe he is going to come home and he is so manipulative with your feeling for him. See a lawyer pronto and get your ducks in a row. He is still heavily involved with OW or he would be at home trying to fix this right now. Y

Please stop waiting for him to come out of the fog. He may not. You need to take care of you and the kids via a lawyer. NOW, before OW has the baby.

[This message edited by Freeme at 3:41 PM, March 3rd (Friday)]

He needs to start taking the kids out of the house for visitation.

Document everything. See the attorney, ask for exclusive rights to the house.

Text only about kids and finaces.

Oh my gosh, this story totally breaks my heart! I'll be praying for you. I am probably the last person to give advice since my husband is in an active EA now (almost two years - but we are in a vastly different situation - retired), but here are a few points that strike me:

* Your husband is living in his car?! That makes a huge statement! And if you file for divorce and you no longer have access to his money - does that mean he gets an apartment + bills and you have that much less? I understand why you have been waffling... It actually sounds like he cares deeply about caring for his children financially that he's in his car now.

* I agree with the poster that said to put your children in school and prepare yourself for the workplace! My daughter in law was home schooling and when the last baby was born she finally put the oldest in school and it's the best thing she ever did! He's doing so much better - and she's now a huge proponent of public schools.

* I also agree with getting your own bank account and credit cards NOW! Stash away some money. Take a little extra out with every trip to the grocery store. Anything you can to build an account in case there is a period during legal proceedings where you need it.

* I love the ideas about WIC and SNAP and any other programs you can enroll in now while you have no official income! And the tax break is huge - but that's his until he cuts off your money.

* I would continue to communicate with the mother of the OW. If you can, make her your FB friend and show her pictures. And his family! And his friends. Anyone who can exert influence.

* If there is a divorce, do you have family who could help if you relocated?

* I would love for you to go to counseling (church or psychologist) - it might end up being a good communication device. And the advice of someone else might jar him?

I know everyone else wants you to push hard for divorce - but I totally understand how much easier it would be if there was reconciliation.

The big thing in my personal situation is my husband does not want to feel "controlled". I wonder if that is part of his issue?

I wish I had some real answers and could kick some sense into your H and his OW!