Well, long story short. I had an affair with a co worker. I realized that i had been trapped by what i have read was a "Vulture" and over the course of two years let an emotional affair turn into a physical one. I had sex with her three times, two in a hotel that she paid for and once at her apartment while her man of 13 years and three children were eithwr at school or work.
I had tried calling off the affair multiple times, and unfortunately each time i did, she would freak outand leave work crying. The relationship was not allowed at work because of our positions, however it didn't start out that way. She had facebooked me and said that she thought that my wife and i appeared to be pretty cool and if we wanted to come hang out we could because she was good at keeping secrets. My wife warned me constantly of this person's actions and that i needed to stay away from her because she felt a bad vibe. But, i didn't. Our marriage had started to drift. The things i thought my wife wanted were misconceptions of a false truth that i replayed over in my head.
We kept having communication breakdowns and started fighting over things that we both felt didn't exist. Slowly i started shutting her out because of my own insecurities as a husband. We went out and bought sex toys to spice up our sex life. But all it did was tell me i wasn't enough and in order for my wife to be satisfied these toys had to happen. Then she statyed telling me to seduce her because she wasn't ready for me. Which i again being an absolute idiot took as, oh she doesn't find you attractive anymore putz, thats why she says you have to seduce her or trick her into getting wet so she can stomach the thought of being with you. Well, my insecurities and frustrations lead me to start openly talking about my marital problems. And in she came. Oh no you poor thing, I'm in a terrinle relationship too. Do you do all the housework? Me too, it would be funny if we were ever a couple fighting over who gets to do the chores.
She was the ego boosters that i had wanted and missed. And she and i became friends who were xomplimenting each other and telling each other tjat we appreciate theirvhard work cause although our spouses didn't see it, we did. I'm not gonna sit and tell you i didn't enjoy the compliments. I did. I felt alive again. I felt attractive. I felt that somebody was noticing me and wanted to praise my efforts. In seeing the other woman do these things, i didn't notice that i was building emotional walls to block my wife out. Then one day i looked at my wife and said to myself, hey! Why are these walls here?! She must have put these up. It was a misbelief. I started deleting text messages from the other woman. My wife found out. Called me on it. I admitted to enjoying the emotional hi fives and felt that it was unfair, after all, i had snooped and looked at my wife's phone and she had been talking to other giys and then she started deleting them too. She told me that she deleted all text messages if they were over a month old, i called her on it and stated that was bs. The end of a fight before work i admitted deleting the texts and to get a phone tracker put on my phone. But it wasn't enough. Why didn't she have one? So i asked and she put it on. I told the other woman that u had a tracker on my phone and that i was blocking her number.
I saw her at work a couple days later and she handed me some granola bars in a box. She told me don't open it until you're alone. I opened it up and there was a black cell phone and a charger inside. I went out of my office and saw her and said what was that for? She told me that a man should be able to text whoever he wants to and that she has enjoyed our conversations and didn't want them to stop. She told me that she had created a fake email and facebook account already so that i didnt have to do anything. And yes, i should have ran away screaming, but i didn't. My selfish thoughts screamed, hooray i get my emotional hi fives again! And so the double life started. I would vent my frustrations about my wife and insecurities to the other woman. She would vent her issues with her man. We would both tell each other it would be ok. Then one day she asked when the last time that the wife and i had sex? I responded and she stated when she had sex the last time. Then she asked me what my favorite positions were, i told her and she told me hers.
Then over time she said that i could do anything to her anytime if i wanted to, but she knew i was too good of a husband and would never cheat on my wife. I told her i would never cheat. She kept at it, day in amd day out. What would you say if i got a hotel room and gave you a key? Would you show up? Each answer was no. Then one day the wife and i got into an argument. She blamed me for still having contact with this woman and that i was still cheating. I made the mistake of telling the other woman about the fight. She then started a barrage of statements along the lines of well, you have been blamed for it, you might as well do it. I kept saying no. Then one day, she offered and i said yes. After that ot turned into maintenance and me trying to find a way out. I couldn't get out. Because then the subtle threats started in. Maybe i should tell your boss about you and i? Or maybe find your wife and tell her that the kid's new mommy is here? I would say things like, that's not funny, or no you will not. Then she would say, well then you need to see me again.
I started lying about my wife's work schedule so that i wouldn't have to see her. Then, id screw up and say i had to get groceries or casually that my daughter had an appt. Then it turned into i had to see her those days or else. So i would stop by where she was having lunch and would see her for five or ten minutes with her. Then make an excuse to leave. She kept asking about how my wife and i were doing. And a few times i would tell her they were going well. She then would bring up spending time with her because eventhough she knew i loved my wife and would never leave, she needed her time with me. So i the other sexual times happened. She quit her job to go back to school. I started to feel free. I didnt have to see her at work anymore. She started complaining about not seeing her. That she should find my wife again and tell hef about us. She even dyed her hair for the first time and only after the fact i realized that she had been doing everything in her power to take the place of my wife including style, bought a new car after we bought one for my wife and started buying the same kind of makeup that my wife used.
She kept telling me to delete the ohone tracker for her birthday. I told her no. I decided to end it one night after work. I threw away the phone and felt free. The next day she changed her number and sent me some texts knowing that my wife would see them. I was at my parent's place and when i received the texts i broke down and told my parents what i had done. My wife sent a text stating she couldnt eait to read the texts. I got home and started to tell my wife. But i couldn't tell her everything. The wife became sick with the flu and i was running errands when my wife called and stated that she started talking to the other woman and to own up to what i had done. I started to slowly, then it opened like the floodgates. But now my wife and the other woman were talking to each other and the other woman kept asking my wife if i would take her back and to tell him i love him. Who in the hell says that to the wife? My wife asked me if i could tell her it's over i would? I said yes. Ten seconds later there was a facetime call from the wifes phone and there i was in the garage telling via facetime to the other woman that i made many mistakes and terrible choices but it's over in front of my wife. My wife and the other woman continued to talk to each other for over a week.
Then came the bombshell. The other woman started blasting me on facebook. And the wife and the other woman started battling each other and each hurting. The other woman stated that she was going to send a terrible letter to my boss and get me fired if i didn't take her back. I told her no, my wife, begged and pleaded not to send the letter. She stated she wouldn't. But she did. Shortly thereafter i lost my job. And then i realized that the other women was doing everything in her power to destroy my wife's life, my life, my career, and she was still asking my wife if we were getting a divorce yet? Did he move out yet? Will he take me back? Tell him i love him. Well, that time has passed and i have accepted my faults, decisions, transgressions, and put my kife back into order.
I started opening up and telling my wife all the details. We started having better communication than ever before. I have devoted myself to my wife and am no longer taking anything for granted. I started researching, reading, finding my faith again and putting my prioities back in the line that they should be. My wife and i are currently separated, she says that she still loves me. We sleep in the same house, make love, and sometime cuddle. Other times she tells me she hates me and that i screwed up so badly that she can never forgive me or let anyone else in. She is treating me like we are in a relationship, yet is acting as a single woman. She even has told me that she has gone on a blind date. I am not upset, because frankly i have no reason or excuse to be upset. I am standing in a field, completely open to her with my phone, life, emails, and confessing my love while she has shut me out of parts of her life and goes up and down like a yo yo. I get it. And i am committed to her because i love her so much she makes me sing. I lost sight of that. And i refuse to ever let that happen again. My wife has told me that she doesn't know what she wants if she wants to reconcile or to just be friends.
It's only been 45 days since d day. We have come so far and will vegin couseling soon. I just hope and pray that she will let me back into the heart i destroyed. I know i don't deserve it after what i have done. However i have hope. I love her with every fiber in my body. Any and all suggestions, words of wisdom, or hopes, or thoughts please feel free to respond.
[This message edited by Boat45 at 10:40 PM, February 8th (Wednesday)]
