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I made a post last night regarding my sister showing up at my house unannounced. It was an emotional, awkward night. My wife feelings were hurt, and a lot of raw emotion were brought up. More can be found in that post.

But comes to my situation. Today my wife texted me after not contacting me all last night and most of the day. She asked me point blank if I was only with her because of financial reasons. I tried calling her to talk about what she had said and it went to voice mail. So I simply texted back saying that wasn't so. That I wanted to reconcile because I loved her.

I can understand why she would think that. If we were to divorce financially I would take a huge hit. I'd have to give up half my pension, pay her spousal support for life and half our house, and rental property. I understand that but my desire to fix my marriage isn't financial based. I love my wife and want to make this work.

Has anyone had experience with this?

[This message edited by Taledo at 9:25 PM, February 23rd (Thursday)]

BS here. Yes, I'm experiencing this. Because I was told 7 months ago ILYBNILWY during his PA, and because I was told all of our marital problems were my fault, and that I wasn't the woman he wanted me to be, and he didnt know if he wanted to be married to me anymore... now that he professes his love, tells me I'm all he's ever wanted, and he never stopped loving me, it's a difficult thing to wrap your mind around...I want to believe him, but most of me thinks he says it more because of what he has to lose more than it being because he wants to be with ME. If he wanted ME, he wouldn't have had an EA that lead to a PA with my best friend... Unfortunately this is one of those things that only lots of work on your part, showing her by not just words, but actions, proving your love for HER, and then lots of time, to show you aren't acting, will help.

BS here, I have accused my WH of the same thing. He has been really good in our work towards R, but once you've been sleeping with someone else, which we BS's see as "choosing them" over us, it's hard to accept the sudden declaration of love and true devotion to the M.

And divorce is expensive, we live in a 50/50 state, so of course it's to both our benefits to R, but if I can't, then we won't.

Taledo, would you be willing to sign a Post Nup for your wife? That is one way you could prove you are not in it for financial reasons. Give her all she is entitled to and then some. That might ease her mind a bit. Just throwing it out there.

I can understand how she feels. After being unable to work, she had to go on disability. She had made comments the last two years about feeling unequal, and useless for not being able to contribute. I never made told her she wasn't equal because of it.

Taledo, would you be willing to sign a Post Nup for your wife?

A Post Nup is something I would definitely sign. I would give her the marital and all its equity, and I'd settle with the rental property, which is worth a lot less.

[This message edited by Taledo at 10:44 PM, February 23rd (Thursday)]

So what prevents you from doing it now without her asking you? Also, bear in mind most Post Napuals are really hard or almost impossible to enforce.

[This message edited by Analyst at 1:35 AM, February 24th (Friday)]

BH thought I wanted to reconcile just for the kids, just because he provides my health insurance, just because it makes me look better in the end, etc. I admitted yes, all of those things play a part, but that ultimately I could face all of those issues if I had to. If I didn't love him and knew that it was over, I could deal with all that.

You might think about taking a long deep look inside. There is nothing wrong with admitting that is part of the reason, but not the deciding factor or the most important reason.

Many betrayeds admit to staying because of kids or money AND love. I don't get why we waywards can't reconcile for the very same reasons. I've been honest with my BH that reconciling is hard and I don't like it. If I could I probably would bail because that would be the easy way out from this hell but yeah kids, finances and love. If we didn't love each other this would have been over on d-day. Finances and kids are a factor yes but not the deciding one no.

So my vote is tell the truth. Money is a factor in you choosing to reconcile but it's not the only factor.

I am a betrayed spouse so am on the other side of the equation. My fww swore up and down that she wanted to reconcile because she loved me and wanted to stay married. I simply did not believe her. I was prepared to divorce and take the huge financial hit it would have entailed.

She then offered to enter a very, very favororable to me post nup agreement to take the financial aspect of the reconciliation off the table. In exchange I agreed to try reconciliation for a year but made no promises. We are now 5 years and change into reconciliation.

Everyone will be different but had she even hinted that money and finances were even an infinitesimally small portion of why she wanted to reconcile - then I would have taken my finacial lumps and divorced her.

This is going to sound odd, I'm aware but...

What if

You said you were willing to do a legal separation with financial ramifications to prove that's not your motivation? Or pre-divorce settlement? What if you did that and still worked on reconciliation?

I know this is insane, but sometimes people need reassurance.

I'm going to answer everyone in one post instead of quoting, which I'm still getting the hang off.

I haven't thought about doing a Post Nuptial Agreement. Nothing is holding me back, but I will go to a lawyer first thing Monday and get legal advice on that aspect.

We are currently separated, not exactly legally in the courts. But I am paying for all the utilities, and upkeep on the house, I have been paying for all upkeep and insurance on her car. So I am making sure she is taken care of. We are both getting a dose of what it is like to be single. So if we were to divorce I would already have an idea of how it feels.

While financial has crossed my mind, it isn't really an issue. I'm more concerned about how my wife will be able to survive really. She makes very little off of disability, and even with spousal support, I don't know what she would do in case of an emergency with the house. I know that scare her and I had thought maybe that was a reason why she wanted to try and work things out.

She did message me this morning and said she wanted to believe me when I say I truly wanted to be with her for love. That I wasn't just trying to buy my love back. I really do think she needs to see a counselor as well. She is so stubborn and I know she'd take my suggestion badly. But I do think there are some issues that go a lot deeper then the destruction I caused her.

I had asked my counselor this past Monday about how to approach her about my concerns about her health (mostly depression, as she does see the doctor regularly for her severe arthritis and related problems from an accident from years ago). He told me to just be honest with her with my concerns. She may take it the wrong way, get upset, but keep in mind you're coming from a place of real genuine concern. When I mentioned having someone else voice their concerns, he said it would be better if I have a talk with her first instead of bringing another person into the issue.

BS here, as a wife in a similar,ar situation IF my WH and I were to divorce financially. One thing my WH did since I did file for the D initially was to sign a post-nuptial/reconciliation agreement that would give me a 75/25 split of everything if he cheated again. The split wouldn't impact my alimony considering the 75% split was concerned.

I think if your state allows is a GREAT way to show your wife that your willing to put your future intentions on the line financially.

Personally I wouldn't have stayed married to my WH without one and by him willingly signing it showed me that money was not his ultimate motivation on staying married to me.

Onsidering my WH is VERY money obsessed ((I, not using the term obsessed likely)) and everything we have is because of his blood, sweat and tears it did mean a tremendous amount to me to know he was willing to do this.

Sorry I didn't read the other threads before I replied but at least another thought on the post- nuptial is helpful.

Best of luck CT

[This message edited by Crazytrain101 at 10:27 AM, February 24th (Friday)]

100% agree with isuck. There are many reasons for anyone to get or stay married and I think it's completely naïve to think that most are not in a marriage for more practical reasons in addition to love and romance. Finances, insurance, childcare, etc. all play a part for many, infidelity or no, and that's not wrong or bad.

[This message edited by Darkness Falls at 11:29 AM, February 24th (Friday)]

Ask your BW what you can do to perhaps ease this feeling (be prepared that she may not know) and discuss a post-nup and what you are willing to do to help put her mind at ease that this is the reason you want to try to R.

My financial issue is actually reversed. I make more than my FWH. In the beginning I laid it all out of what his financial obligations would be and quite honestly I know he had never thought of the ramifications.

I sometimes feel he stayed because he knew his standard of life would suffer greatly if we split. Early in R he innocently commented that "just to think, I could be living in a crappy apartment now because that's all I could afford", it triggered me so badly.

I am proud that you are seeking insight and ways to help your BW heal. Keep doing that. It is not a straight path so be patient and don't give up.

Keep moving.

I need a little advice going forward.

So I texted my wife a few times saying I wanted to talk to her. She didn't respond to any of them. So I decided to just show up at the house, and hopefully, she would talk to me. I did buy her some roses, and I considered that it might seem like I was trying to bribe her, but I wanted to show I cared.

She told me she was surprised I showed up but did say thank you for the flowers. Then she asked me what I wanted. I was lucky I caught her at a good time as she just returned home from an afternoon with our daughter.

Anyway, I told her I didn't want her to feel like I only wanted to be with her because of money. She started crying. She told me she was tired of the nightmares of me in bed with another woman. She said every time she goes out, she can't help but compare herself to other women. I told her she was beautiful, that I never found her unattractive. She said that I was lying, otherwise, I wouldn't have cheated. She once again said that I stood to lose a lot if she left me and that she would stand to lose a lot. I asked her if she loved me. She said she did but wish she didn't, because this wouldn't hurt so badly if she didn't. That cut deep. I teared up, and I'm not one to be emotional.

Then we started talking about what my sister told her. I told her to ignore my sister, that my sister doesn't understand and her words mean nothing. She said she knows but it still bothered her. I apologized and she said it wasn't my fault that she showed up. I had emailed and facebook messaged the rest of my siblings about what I had done, so they heard it from me and so there are no more awkward encounters. She appreciated that.

I did ask her once again what I could do to make her feel safe. I said I had set up a meeting with a lawyer on Monday to discuss a Post-Nuptial agreement. She told me she didn't want me to go. She said that she needs to feel I want to be with her, and having an agreement with possible consequences is not something she wants to be a part of.

After that, she shut down and told me she wanted to sleep. I'm at a loss to what to do now? I know she is hurting, but I don't know what else I can do to show her I'm 100% in.

I've said those same words to my WH and I mean them. I really wish I didn't love him, then I could just divorce and be done with this whole mess and my life would be a whole lot more simple and this pain wouldn't be so deep. I've never said it with the intention to hurt him and I don't think she did either.

Did you explain to her what you would be doing with the post nuptial? That the point was to show her you are not staying for the money and that you do love her and want to stay married to her, for her?

It is really hard for a BS to wrap our heads around how a WS can do the things they do in an affair, and then profess to love the BS. Have you written her a letter to tell her why you love her? It might help. If you haven't, give it a shot. Make it personal to her, not just generic "you're beautiful, a great mother, take care of the house, etc." What is beautiful about her, what about her makes her a great mother, be as specific as you can. It is really hard for a BS to feel that anything is real anymore in the aftermath of an affair.

You are separated, right? So she's dealing with most of her healing by herself. Have you gone on a date with her since the separation? Can you ask her for one and then plan something nice? I'm not sure if it will help or not, just throwing it out there. Good luck.

Did you explain to her what you would be doing with the post-nuptial? That the point was to show her you are not staying for the money and that you do love her and want to stay married to her, for her?

I told her that I wanted a post-nuptial to prove to her that I wanted to be with her because I loved her and genuinely wanted to be with her. I told her I would give her the house, and I'd take the rental, which means she'd get 120K more in equity than I would. But she said she didn't want my charity. If I were to cheat again, no piece of paper was going to change that. That as pretty much her words.

If anything that just makes me feel like an even bigger piece of shit. That she is so selfless and I jeopardized all of that.

[This message edited by Taledo at 8:54 PM, February 24th (Friday)]

Have you written her a letter to tell her why you love her?

No, but that is something I definately should do.

Have you gone on a date with her since the separation? Can you ask her for one and then plan something nice?

We have went out for lunch a few times, and supper a few times. Very low key, but nothing really. I have suggested we could go on a road trip a couple weeks ago. There was a charity event she wanted to go, but she refused. So she didn't go.

Darkness falls and isuck, if a WS wants to reconcile for financial reasons and/or love, then it's important that they are very honest and explicit about this, and don't suggest otherwise. Obviously it would be challenging for a BS to believe this and understandably so.

Naive is a strong word, it's perfectly acceptable that someone would believe in a marriage for only love, and fair for a BS to want to be in one. I think that in this case, Taledo's BW is worried that wants to reconcile only for financial reasons and does not think that he loves her.

And isuck the reason it's different when wayward want to reconcile for money is because, they have already likely taken advantage by enjoying their marriage and the financial stability it comes with whilst cheating. So to tell their traumatised BS that one of the reasons they want to reconcile is because it benefits them financially is understandably seen as insulting & cruel. It's also selfish. It's different because betrayeds are forced to make the choice to reconcile or divorce (because they have been hurt profoundly), and sometimes money has to be their deciding factor and they are stuck. It's not like waywards were forced to put themselves in the position where they would lose out financially.

IMO some things just don't apply to BS and WS and this is one of them. Also IMO it's not honourable to hurt someone and then want to stay (and possibly continue to do so) for money. If money is 1 of the deciding factors to stay married, it should have been one to stay faithful in the first place. After cheating, the kind thing to do would be to reconcile because you love them, not expect them to be happy with the fact that you betrayed them and want to stay because it financially benefits you. Children are a completely different factor, money is a superficial reason to stay with someone you've cheated on.

My BS makes ALOT more than I do. Early in the process, she brought up a post-nup, and I didn't even blink before agreeing to sign. That being said, we have not reconciled, and I don't know if we will or not. Yes, her money makes life more comfortable. But what good is money if I don't have a family to go home to? The kids are fed and comfortable, and that's what's important. I loved her when we were broke, and I love her when we're not. I'd burn it all to have the chance to R.