SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well... it didn't appear that the OBS had seen the FB message I sent her yet (she's not very active there), so I did some digging and found her work email address (she's a teacher). I suspect this one found it's mark, and she must have been pretty suspicious about her husband already, because less than 30 minutes later I was already getting messages from my wife about what an asshole I was. So I suspect it was instant confrontation.

I guess things are going to be ugly for a while between the two of us. This should be an opportunity for NC, but it's just honestly not what I want (I know, I know... it's what I need). Probably after this initial flurry of anger it's going to be primarily about the kids between us. But for those of you that have been through this, how long did this next phase last? I'd like to be able to be civil between the two of us.

Good for you! And no sympathy for your wife. If you dont want your affair outed, try not having an affair! So easy.

OM probably just had his cake taken away. Must be very sad for him.

getting messages from my wife about what an asshole I was

This is so typical. They cheat and lie and you're the asshole?? Yeah...right.

You did the right thing. The OBS had every right to know. I know you don't want to do the 180, but you need to do it for your own protection now. When the OM is too busy trying to save his own hide, suddenly your wife's feet will really be held to the fire when you aren't around any more for her either.

Nobody wants to get divorced, but this is no way to live either. File.

I'm glad to see that was typical behavior; I don't want to say I'm enjoying it, because that's definitely not the case (in reality I'm crying), but there is an element of humor in the mental gymnastics it takes to hold their world view. If anything it's going to make the next steps (NC/filing) easier. I have already consulted with several attorneys, and decided which one I want to move forward with this morning. I neglected to ask her what her retainer was when we spoke, so I've sent that question her way and told her I was ready to move forward. I have a feeling life is about to get really interesting.

GREAT work. I know it's uncomfortable to face this shit, but really, you have your integrity intact and did the absolute right thing by this person.

Not to mention...you probably just took the most effective action possible to completely kill the A. So there's that.

I was already getting messages from my wife about what an asshole I was.

It seriously makes me cringe to think there are people out there in the world that would think and act this way. My WW is one of them, too. Essentially she's angry because you made it more difficult for her to fuck with people the way she wants to.

No matter what happens, you're about to get a taste of the realest reality that is at the core of your WW.

I agree with BrokenHeartedUK, not only do you really need to begin seriously implementing the 180, you should also be planning ahead how you'll react and what (if anything) you'll say in response to whatever WW comes to you with.

If she comes at you saying she's sorry and wants to reconcile, how will you respond? If she comes to you and says now she wants full custody? Etc, etc, you get my drift. I'd prepare myself if I were you for any possibility.

Again, really happy you alerted OBS.

Struggling, I believe you could have saved yourself considerable pain if you exposed the relationship earlier. If the OM throws your WW under the bus to save his M (such a quick reply suggests there is trouble in Fantasyland) you may have had a willing participant in R much sooner. Choose your next steps carefully and fully consider whether you are willing to be Plan B or not. Please look out for yourself, it is clear your concerns don't even register on your WW's conscience.

Okokok - ha... I just PM'ed you, and came out and saw your reply.

I stopped responding to her texts (probably went on way too long, and way too honest before I did, but oh well). Thank you for the suggestion about how I'm going to reply to her next steps. I've definitely given a lot of thought to how I would respond if she says she wants back in, but that's about it. I'll try to come up with a list of possible scenarios and game plan them.

This whole situation just gets more and more fun with every step doesn't it?

yeah..."fun."

The best rule of thumb of course is to just not shoot from the hip on *anything.*

My last D-day, before having any conversations with WW, I first talked with a close friend and "game-planned" what to do and say. How to respond to anything she did or said, etc. And it went swimmingly, even though I was basically dying inside.

OMG... this woman. She is spinning, and flailing, and firing in every direction hoping she hits something. I wish you all could see this string of texts from her. I have not been a good NC-boy and have responded, but I've kept my cool (mostly) and avoided lashing out unnecessarily. I do think I need to share this most recent message though, because, just holy shit.

"No need to respond but hope you feel good about the fact that children are involved. If you ever pull this shit with our kids that will be it. I know you think you have the right, but when there are children involved. Again, yes, we have our kids and have to protect them. Did you tell her who I am? That puts me in danger too. And our kids. That's fine. I did something wrong. But 2 wrongs don't make a right."

I can't believe she had the nerve to try to guilt me about our children, and say that I put them at risk. I'm not the one who thought it would be a good idea to start a relationship with a married man who wasn't my husband. I can't believe this is the same person I have known for the last ten years. Do they ever pull their heads out of their asses, or is this who I'm going to be dealing with going forward?

Wouldn't be surprised if your wife gets dumped. Cheaters

like their cake and to eat it. Stay strong buddy. Post here instead of texting her. Your next "text" are papers being served.

She had sex with a married man. You told the truth. Therefor, you are the bad guy. Get it?

Its a classic cheater response for them to show outrage about being outed on their affair. My stbxw affair partners were all single except for one who was a swinger so the only people I had to out her to were friends and her family.

I still got a good dose of the rage though. How dare I try and hold her responsible for her actions. And how dare I go into her phone and see the sexual messages she was sending.

I,m such a bastard that way. How long it lasts will depend on if she actually feels any remorse at all for what she has done. If not be prepared for continuing anger and rewriting of marital history to make you the bad guy.

The rewriting of marital history has been tough. Don't get me wrong, I was far from a great husband, and if she had divorced me I might have been able to understand. I had un-diagnosed depression for a long time, and that probably sucked for her. She probably had post-partum after our daughter was born, because she was emotionally absent for years herself. Thing is, all of that makes it sound so much worse than it was. We still loved each other. We still had each other's backs with family bullshit. We had a lot of fun, and often. We were pretty fucking good partners in raising our kids. And I was incredibly supportive of her career. She traveled for work a lot (I'm not suspicious about any of that, though maybe I should be). I was always here to care for the family. She took lots of courses, or went to conferences... I took care of the kids then too. If the kids were sick, I arranged to work from home more often than not. I encouraged her, and talked her through issues when she wanted help, listened when she just wanted to bitch about things that were going on. I was a flawed, but good husband. I was open to forgiving her infidelity and work on the real issues in our marriage, but she couldn't forgive me. Didn't even attempt to.

She believes all her shit, all the rewriting, and that might be what hurts the most. Not only did she do this awful thing, but she did it under false pretenses. And now, I'm the one who should be thinking of the children. Fuck off. I don't think I'd really gotten to the anger phase of all this stuff, but I might be there now.

Sooooo much to say about that text.

Reminder: right now, you're in a more advantageous position than you've been in for a while. Don't squander it by engaging and arguing. Stay the course, be stoic and calm and neutral. Anything less and you lose ground.

This may be a perfect time to go read like 100 of Bigger's posts...

I am here now too, I feel the same especially with the kids. My son is three and my daughter is only 7 months it tears me apart. I don't want a divorce but I don't want to feel this way forever. There's good women out there who don't do this to their husbands, that's me, so there's gotta be good men out there too I believe that! You aren't alone.

Struggling4747, stay strong do what you think, no think is not the right word, it’s “ Certain” what is best for you and the children, then carry it through, there are not that many options you can take, let’s look at them.

1. File and Divorce, you have already heard this many times already, and you will hear it many times more all from people who have gone through the anguish and terrible time, but who come out the other side a much happier person.

2. Then those that don’t straight away Divorce, they are the one who decided to go down the R road with their WS, it’s going to be a long hard road and many fail within months, when they realise the WS is not committed enough, they only want to rug sweep it.

3. Then there are ones that do R and think that the R is working and the marriage will survive, they get a few years in (down the road) and then come back on here to say, I wish I had listened to you good people on SI you warned me, I took no notice and I wasted all those years of my life trying unsuccessfully to save something that could not be saved.

4. And lastly there are those, the very rare few that are successful and stay married, I would hazard about than 10% make it, maybe even less, although I think IMO the trust they had before the affair never ever really returns, there will always be some doubt, so has the marriage really been successfully repaired or are they just going through the motions for the rest of their lives hoping it has.

Struggling4747, which option do you think will be right for you.

Me No1 defiantly, I would know I’m “Certain”.

Regards BJE49

[This message edited by BJE49 at 7:05 AM, February 28th (Tuesday)]

The real Mrs. Struggling has come out of the shadows. You are so evil because of the effect of what you are doing will have on your children. Of course, she always had the best interests of her children in mind and knew what she was doing wouldn't affect them at all. Truth: she never thought of you, your marriage, your children or the effect on any. She only thought of herself.

Just a caution. I don't know if you have been advised to do this or not before. She is going to escalate. You have wrecked her fantasy life by your inconsiderate act of informing OBS that her health and life may be at risk. The ugly light of day is now shining on her. You must pay. Protect yourself. Be very careful. Get a VAR or 2 or 3 and have one on yourself at all times. We have read here so many times about DV charges being brought against the BS, usually the BH, and I have a friend who has one on his record that will be there forever.

Now that I've finally told the OBS... the curiosity about what happened is killing me. What did he tell his wife? What did he tell my wife? What new lies have come out? I want to bury these two pieces of shit, but I can't expose any more lies unless I know what they are.

I'm really glad she lost her mind yesterday, because I really see her for real now. I still hurt, but I'm also finally angry... really truly angry. That will make it a lot harder for her to cause new pain at least. It's a lot easier to stop loving a psychopath.

Use that anger to propel you forward. You may not ever get those answers but it's ok. You know your truth, enough to know that you are in the right path.