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Just know that it will get nasty. Her AP probably isn't too thrilled that you outed him and is trying to do damage control in his own marriage. In the meantime she has been thrown under the bus, which is why she is so mad that you contacted the OBS. It makes it even harder for him to see her now and she is feeling betrayed by her AP and it's all your fault in her own mind.

Just know, you did the right thing. Whether she can now get her head out of her ass is another thing entirely. It happens, but rarely are you able to hold it together to make a new marriage from the ashes of the old one. Betrayal is the worst thing that anyone can ever do to another person. She is not remorseful and may never be. That is her cross to bear and you just need to keep moving forward. (((HUGS)))

As TG said, she'll get nasty. Make sure to protect yourself with a VAR.

Good job telling the OBS. Hang in there, bud.

Good for you, I'm really glad you outed him! I know it was hard, but really was the right thing to do for so many reasons. You also need to respect yourself, and through this action, you'll feel much better about yourself looking back.

Is she still coming home to play happy family with the kids in the evenings? Personally I'd make her pick them up for visitation, just like any other separation. This isn't to punish her, but rather, to help you detach and also so she can see what her non-fantasy life will be like.

Until now, she thought she had everything under control, and her choices were good old chocolate cake, who will always be there, but shes kind of bored with, or vanilla cake, which seems pretty good, too. Sitting on her fence, munching both, trying to decide. You've just yanked the choice away from her, and now she's facing no more vanilla.

Her rage is partially because she realizes she can't control you as much as she thought. Once you file and serve her, she'll realize that chocolate cake isn't an option either, and that she has close to zero control. At that point, she'll freak again: she'll either escalate her rage, or come crawling back. As others have said, please have a plan for either contingency.

Have you checked out the book No More Mr Nice Guy? Basically women don't respect guys that they feel they can control, and unconsciously are drawn to those that stand up for themselves. I think it's particularly common among strong working women married to "nice guys." By outing the douche OM, you've taken a great first step.

Now that I've finally told the OBS... the curiosity about what happened is killing me. What did he tell his wife? What did he tell my wife? What new lies have come out? I want to bury these two pieces of shit, but I can't expose any more lies unless I know what they are.

Look at it this way. You tried your hardest and nothing came of it. You know who she is now. Shes angry at you for destroying her fantasy land. The rainbows have transformed into clouds and the unicorns have pranced away leaving only their sparkly unicorn shit behind. She's probably angry because she is getting dumped, because she is just an AP. Take solace in that. What happens with AP's marriage might interest you, but its not your shitshow anymore. You did your part by outing them, let the ashes fall where they may. Your concern right now is moving forward to divorcing her ass and nailing down a custody schedule for your kids.

[This message edited by Randy1133 at 9:58 AM, March 1st (Wednesday)]

Kudos to you and your courage! The anger that comes from them is amazing isn't it? They can lie, cheat and be horrible and it's all ok!

I think I need to follow your lead and example on how to handle my WH.

Has anything changed with your WW now that she knows you mean business? Have you noticed a change in her attitude or behavior? I'm curious the "process" that the wayward side goes through with this stuff. There is an obvious process that the betrayed side follows - as I'm learning!

I'm seeing my WH fall apart. He's emotional (between crying and anger) and honestly can't seem to make a decision to save his life.

I had the tough conversation with him last week that said the save marriage or I'll file. I haven't had the follow up conversation with him yet. Although I'm not feeling confident that he will save the marriage. So, I'll have to be the one to file and get this slow train moving along.

Shattered - I can't say that I've seen a change in her behavior, but that's mostly because I haven't seen her. She's been out of the country for work all week and won't be back until the weekend. So there would have been reduced contact anyway, but we're both also doing a pretty hard 180 at this point. It will be interesting when she comes home and we have to at least interact directly with regards to the kids.

I'm fairly curious about the process of both sides myself though. I'm way too over-analytical (years of studying to be a scientist I guess), and want to try to understand what is going on... as much as is possible anyway. I think that's why I'm so curious about what went down between the OM and the OBS. That and it would give me some insight into what my WW is going through right now; though at least some of that curiosity is out of spite at this point.

Your goal is indifference. Let her worry about why you don't care anymore.

PS it will drive her nuts

(PPS But you don't care)

Strength

I think my need to understand the process and understand what is happening is the part that is driving me crazy. I feel anxious all the time and I'm always trying to figure out what my WH's actions mean. Sometimes I see a pattern, then other times his actions seem totally erratic. I truly can't figure out what he is doing.

Sounds like you are doing better however and I am encouraged to see that maybe there is hope for me to be ok in all this mess as well?

Stop trying to figure him out and stop trying to change him. Waywards aren't automatons that you can punch in a cheat code and all of a sudden they are normal again. They are flawed humans just like everyone else and do erratic, indecisive things that you cannot control.

You are the ONLY person you can control. If you let him/her fencesit for the rest of their lives, they may very well do it. Your goal is to knock them off and filing for divorce is a very good way to do that. Once you file, march forward like a machine and don't even consider them unless you are convinced 100% they are all in. Last thing you want is to be their plan B.

Drop the hammer, baby.

Joined this status last night as my husband told me he had fallen out of love with me...said to tell our son "We tried together but the marriage didnt work". Welllll we started therapy in Septmeber of last year which I found out yesterday he had already started the affair by facetime text, facetime sex im sure nad it went physical Dec. So no...WE didnt try. I did. Asshole.

You can't understand or fight crazy, and that's what these waywards are. They are not being logical, they are being wholly selfish and letting their ids run amok. I'm just trying to protect my future best I can while my STBX romances, wines and dines his new "fabulous" girlfriend who is a big trade down, imho

bpresent:

WE didnt try. I did. Asshole.

I definitely could have written the same thing. I said something along the lines of "I just regret that we couldn't really try to save the marriage..." and her response was "I guess I don't know what would constitute trying in your book; I thought we did."

My response was "Trying would require not having contact with your boyfriend. It would require admitting the shit you brought to whatever problems we had before all this. Trying would require that we don't try to rug sweep, and we actually put an effort into working on things together." I guess she thought looking at me occasionally and asking herself is she got the tingles again constituted trying in her book.

I felt pretty good the last few days, but kinda feeling that hole in my heart today. Not as deep a despair as I've had on other days, but a pretty heavy emptiness nonetheless.

The frustrating thing is it is stupid stuff that sets this off. She's traveling for work and called to talk to the kids this morning before school. They were on speaker and she made a joke for my benefit (kids wouldn't have gotten it) about something my daughter said. And that's it. She acted civil with me for thirty seconds and that's all it takes for me to miss her again. I wish I could compartmentalize and stuff my feelings for her in a box as easily as she did towards me.

Hey... some good news to lift me out of the doldrums. I've been unemployed for the last four months (right after one of my ddays... yay!) when my previous company laid off a third of the staff after we got some bad clinical trial data. I've never been unemployed that long, and not only was it eating at our savings, but it was giving me *way* too much time to think about my WW.

Well today I got a job offer. It is a contract position, but circumstances make that not such a bad deal. It's with a company that I know is stable, and it lets me shift gears into a different part of the biotech industry I've been wanting to get into for a while. Best part is it comes with a very substantial raise... like kind of shockingly large raise. Happy drinks on me today!

That is great news! God works in mysterious ways - seriously you needed something good to happen in your life and it did. Take it and run with it.

I really do believe that there is a path that we're all to take and we've got to listen to the signs we're given to guide us along.

A spring board was just given! Use it!

Great news, congrats on the job.

Your fluctuating feelings and missing your WS...all totally normal. You're not crazy! It's how you deal with them that will matter.

What you've described (missing your wife after having a positive interaction with her) is really a side-effect of a lapse in detachment. The more detached you get, the less that stuff will trigger you. It will take time.

Of course the advice will be to continue with all the 180 stuff until 1) something substantial changes in WS *and* you're also in a place to try for a real reconciliation (you may not be), or 2) you're divorced.

It's ok to miss her, just no more "pick me" dance. Stay the course, you're doing awesome.