SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am the one that cheated, I won't share the whole story but most of it. So I met the om at my old job. He would always try to get my number and I would always tell him no in the beginning. I ended up giving in. During my first affair, we would kiss and he would grope me. He tried to get me to feel him dick but I pulled up my hand away. After my husband found out he told me to quit my job and that he didn't want me to talk to him anymore. I did quit the job. Then I ended up texting the om about 2 weeks later. My husband didn't know about it and I would make I seem like I was helping him and working on fixing our marriage. The second affair I did end up sleeping with him while my husband was at work. We would send naked pictures back and forth. My husband asked me to do that for so many years and never did. I asked the om for pictures and I never asked my husband. When my husband found out about my second affair he asked me if the om was bigger than him. I said yes. I have been so angry and pissed off that I took it all out on my husband. I would treat him like shit. We are almost a year out and for so many months I would think about how I felt about it. Now my husband is insecure and so many other things. He don't believe me or trust me about anything because I lied months. I don't blame him at all. Please how can I help him about his size. And how can I make all this up to him. We are talking about separation for a few months. Please help.

The only thing you can do is work on yourself to fix the things inside you that are broken. You need to heal yourself to become a safe partner for the BS. As quickly as your broke your marriage, it will take two to five years to heal.

Here is a link to an article you can read from the healing library (see the yellow box in the upper left hand corner). There is a wealth of material that will help you on your way.

What ever WS needs to know

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/what-every-wayward-spouse-needs-to-know.asp

It's an "easy" six step process. There are probably other steps, to be honest.

1. Send your AP a letter of no contact. You will never see the AP again. You will never communicate with AP again. NEVER.

2. Be remorseful, which is very different than being sorry for being caught. Apologize early, often, late, and repeatedly. Groveling is always good.

3. Start telling the truth, all of the time, on all subjects. Cheating is a form of lying. Most betrayed spouses completely lose trust in their wayward spouse... the only way to earn that back is to start telling the truth, no matter what. Honestly, I think that it's good that you told him the truth about his penis. Now, figure out how to explain to him why you want to be married to him.

4. Ask your husband what else he would like for you to do. If it is simple, do it. If it is difficult, try really hard to do it anyway. Ask him this again, often.

5. Seek counseling from a therapist to figure out why you behaved this way and never do it again.

6. Get your husband into counseling for himself and probably marriage counseling for the two of you.

Thank you,

But for months I focused a lot on me. Now I the time that I NEED to help my husband. I am fixing myself. I am on my medication and going to IC. We talked about going to MC again. I am going to do whatever I NEED TO and HAVE TO to fix our marriage. I was a total bitch to him and have hurt him in so many ways. It is time to focus on helping him and making this work.

BH here.

This is a tough one. One of the biggest insults anyone can exact on anyone else is to betray their trust as a confidant in their biggest insecurities. If he is that insecure about his size, there is nothing much you can do about it to convince him otherwise short of offering to take a polygraph to prove you do not think bigger is better and that you have never wanted more than what he has. My guess is that he wouldn’t take you up on the offer, but it’s about the only gesture I can think of that you can make to put his mind at ease. You talked about being a bitch to him but I am hoping for your sake you never insulted his size even in jest. Those wounds can run deep and the pain last a lifetime.

As for the big picture thinking…., you have been given some great advice. Especially this:

... 3. Start telling the truth, all of the time, on all subjects. Cheating is a form of lying. Most betrayed spouses completely lose trust in their wayward spouse... the only way to earn that back is to start telling the truth, no matter what. ...

Sometimes the truth hurts, but if you really love him, you will NEVER, and I do mean NEVER lie to him again about anything and that includes lies of omission. It may not save your marriage, but without it, any relationship you have will be anything but a real marriage.

Next, ask him what you can do to be a model wife for him from this point forward. Ask him what you can do to prove to him you can do it. You might stumble, but he will recognize your effort if it is sincere. He will also recognize if its not sincere, so if it isn’t this isn’t place to fake it until you make it.

Good luck. You sound sincere in your post. I wish you and your BH peace as you work through this.

You are verbally telling your husband nice things now. But he now knows you actually DID things with and for other man. The ACTIONS are so much powerful than the mere WORDS. You must have heard the phrase, talk is cheap.

So in any relationship, romantic or not, even parent-child, even sibling-sibling, friend-friend, employer-employee - there are WORDS conveyed and then there are ACTIONS performed. So when your employer tells you, "We place importance upon HONESTY and ETHICS," but then, you are honest and ethical, but another employer who is dishonest, but brings in more money to the employer, and the unethical employee who generates revenue gets a big promotion, but you who were ethical and did not bring in money, you will come to believe that the WORDS are meaningless, and you will believe they "put their mouth where their mouth is" - that is, what is truly important are generating revenue, not ethics and honesty.

So with so very few details that you provide, who can really help you much? But based on that little bit, that is what I see - saying meaningless words that conflict greatly with your past (or maybe current) actions (or lack thereof).

What has happened now about the sending pictures and other things that you did for other man but never did for your husband? Is that still a problem?

[This message edited by wk55hn at 7:18 PM, February 25th (Saturday)]

So again, based on just a few details, possibly there is a problem. You are with your husband now, but you were with an other man. You shared with the other man your whole life. He knew you had a husband, you knew what you did when you were not with him (you were going to be with your husband). Other man was on "the inside."

Meanwhile, your husband was "on the outside." He didn't know where you went when he was not around. He did not know about another important man in your life. And he cared greatly about you, and he wanted to know all about your important other relationships. So now maybe other man doesn't know about what is going on with your relationships with your husband, but other man doesn't really care.

Your husband asked, "is other man bigger?" Why do you think he asked about that? It is because he is comparing himself to the other man. He is asking himself, "why did you choose other man - to tell other man all about your whole life - while hide your life and lie to him?" What is the difference?

You are not the only cheater here, there are practically nothing but that. Yet, your "reason" is your own. By lying to your husband and putting him on the "outside" of this love triangle, by doing things with other man that he requested frequently, these are powerful actions. How could any mere words overpower those strong actions? I don't think words can do it.

But your husband has to understand how you could do those things, and still now have him higher than anyone else in your life.

Universally, the way that infidelity is repaired and marriages reconciled are based on consistent words AND actions over an extended period of time. Many say 2-5 years.

Posters here can tell you what worked for them. But I know that some things that worked for other people, didn't work for me. I guess you ended the affair. And you quit the job. Would your husband believe that was because you had no good options (i.e., he is "Plan B" while other man was "Plan A"), or does he think you chose him over other man because you really love your husband?

Why were you angry with him? For discovering your A?

wk55hn

Yes with me sending pictures to the om is still an issue. My husband is extremely hurt due to that and I do not blame him. He made a valid point one day and asked me how I would feel if he asked and sent pictures to another women.

GoldenR,

I was mad because I thought he was saying mean things. Again that is when I was thinking about how this all made me feel. But inside I knew that I was mad at myself because of what I have done. I know that he wasn't being mean, he was expressing how he was feeling.

Ok....so basically you said things out of anger while you were in the fog, right?

I'm not sure how educated he is on infidelity, but if he doesn't frequent places like this, I'd print out the definition of "the fog" and let him read it. It would be a great starting place. After that, it's words that he needs to hear from you and actions that he needs to see from you.

Betrayed spouses feel "LESSER THAN" and "NOT ENOUGH." Even if you did exactly the same stuff with other man than you did with your husband, there is the feeling that you chose other man.

Your husband knowing that you did stuff with other man but not with him puts it to another level.

Then the fact that your husband had repeatedly asked for that exact same thing, and you had refused him, but you did it with other man, puts into an even higher level.

Why did you send it to other man and not to your husband?

How can you show evidence to your husband that you care more about your husband than you did about the other man, given your actions otherwise? Or do you not see this as an issue?

How have you addressed your husband on this issue and how did your husband respond?

[This message edited by wk55hn at 7:51 AM, February 26th (Sunday)]

You're H will never be the same. You will never get 100% from him. His guard and anger will always be up.

Now, can you handle your hubby at less then 100%?

wk55hn,

When I had my affairs I changed in ways that I never though I would. I have always been a shy type, even with my husband with some stuff. I know that's not an excuse. But I have always had a low self esteem and didn't really like how I looked. My husband would always tell me how beautiful I was and I believed that he saw me that way, but it has always been difficult for me to see myself that way.

I am going to change with how I treat my husband, he has always deserved to be treated like a king. Hell he still does, even more so now. It's in no way an issue, it obviously was for a while due to be being selfish and thinking about myself mostly. But no there is absolutely no issue to show him that I care about him a hell of a lot more than the om.

I don't believe that I have really fully addressed this to my husband. I know throughout all of this he has been the one to come to me to talk about any of this way more than I went to him to talk.

BBBD,

As far as me being able to handle my husband at less than 100%, hell yes I can. I don't care what percent I have, as long as I still have my husband. I have hurt, destroyed, and shattered him in every way possible. The way I look at it is that even if I have 10% that is more than enough because of all the living hell I put him through.

DM

Realize that you will never make up for the hurt. The affairs will color the relationship from this point further.

The only way you will help your husband is by working on yourself. When you do the work to become a safe partner your attitude and actions will change as a result.

Treating him like a king without dealing with the underlying reasons, beliefs, and building and maintaining strong boundaries means nothing. Without work on yourself you are doing these things out of obligation. This way of doing things leads to resentment and the wayward will most likely fall back into old habits.

You can't heal your husband. When you become a safe partner and your actions show that you are becoming a different person then the BS can start their healing process because the see the changes.

There are two good basic books that I recommend.

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful https://www.amazon.com/dp/145055332X/refcm_sw_r_cp_api_63WSybGQC458D

Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity https://www.amazon.com/dp/0743225503/refcm_sw_r_cp_api_e5WSybA0HNM07

The first one is short. Can be read in an evening.

The typical script here, many times, I think is:

1. I had an affair and demonstrated strongly by actions that I cared more about the affair partner than my spouse.

2. My spouse found out.

3. The affair partner is not viable as a relationship. The affair partner either chose to end the affair and went back to his/her marriage, or the affair partner won't commit to me, or the affair partner has attributes that are fine for an affair but terrible for a marriage, or I don't want the reputation that I am a cheater, or I don't want to divorce because of my kids.

OR

I "woke up" and realized I really love my spouse and not the affair partner. (This really is the problem, proving that given words and actions very clearly NOT being true.)

4. I want my spouse, but my spouse doesn't believe it. My spouse believes he/she is "second choice," "plan B," i.e., the "booby prize." The actions were clear, and the words were direct, I chose the affair partner over my spouse. The spouse knows that you picked the affair partner, and it didn't work out, so you are back. And your void is so great, you need someone, anyone, you can't be alone with no one. And now you are here and begging, desperate, to win back the spouse you discarded.

5. Please help me tell my spouse that I really love him/her, i.e., "Please how can I help him about his size. And how can I make all this up to him. We are talking about separation for a few months. Please help."

there is absolutely no issue to show him that I care about him a hell of a lot more than the om.

Of this I have no doubt. You absolutely have no issue to show him that you care about him a hell of a lot more than the om. The problem is, will he believe it? And what can you do to get him to believe it?

how can I help him about his size.

What is his problem about his size? Did he always have a problem about his size? I am assuming that he knew that he was not the biggest in the world, in the country, in the state, or probably even in his neighborhood. Other men are bigger. This is probably true. Only one man can be "biggest."

So the problem wouldn't seem to be his size, but that you told him, through actions or words, that size was an issue. You picked other man, I'm assuming, not based on size, but if you received pics and told him "wow that's great, my husband is so small," then I guess that is why you picked him. There are a lot of things that could have gone on here. But you have not given much detail, so it is difficult to answer how to help him.

You met him, you married him, I guess the thought the size was fine. I guess, now he doubts it. You left your husband to be with other man. Now you left other man to be with your husband. You are with him now, with his smaller size than other man. So why does he think size is an issue now? I am certain is about what you made him believe, and it will be difficult for him to un-believe it now. I have read many threads here. Other people can disagree, but I am comfortable in my outlook.

how can I make all this up to him.

Well, this is basically an extension of the size question. How can you make him un-believe what through words and actions he has come to believe. He knows what he saw, what he heard, and how can he now un-believe what he saw with his own eyes, heard with his own ears?

I have read many threads, and to me, in my opinion, practically every betrayed spouse and every wayward spouse has the same basic question: How can I "get over" this affair? (implying, how can I do this NOW!!!?) And the answer is, you can do it, but not NOW!!!! You can do it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, by acting in an honest and faithful and loving manner CONSISTENTLY over a VERY LONG period of time (2-5 years). There is no other way. No shortcut. No magic. And, unfortunately, NO GUARANTEE.

[This message edited by wk55hn at 1:31 PM, February 26th (Sunday)]

I need to clear something else up before I say anything else.

A main reason of the reason I slept with the om and sent him pictures is because of his size. I should of specified that right from the beginning but wasn't sure how to word it.

BS Here.....

Just wanted to express 'good for you' for continuing to do what you can to help your wounded spouse.

I would give most anything if my FWH would have the same passion for my pain.

Keep searching, and you will find what you need.

"Ask and you shall receive"! (Or whatever is the secular equivalent)

That is a first for me. Picking a man because of his size, or at least openly admitting to it.

But I see it not completely different than choosing an affair partner because of physical attractiveness.

If your husband had an affair because the other woman was younger than you, had larger breasts, prettier, etc. - and now your husband was asking, how can I help my wife about her looks - what could your husband help you about your looks?

Assuming he might say, "I love you for the whole you, but I was enthralled by other woman's pretty face, but I want you to share my life with you." Is that the case for you?

If you told him you love the whole him, and wanted other man for his bigness only, not to share a life with, the question may arise, "well, why will that not happen again in the future?"

Really, I think you have to give more specific details, otherwise anyone here is taking a shot in the dark as to what is the problem.

Was it just bigness alone, or were there emotional aspects to the affair as well? Feelings for other man? What are the issues in the affair, and the issues now in the aftermath?

What is your husband's perception vs. your reality?

I made the assumption that is what you were alluding to in my original response. So, I’ll reiterate…. If your husband is at all insecure about his size, and you slept with someone significantly larger, that’s a tough act to follow. I can’t help but think your animosity toward your husband was in part due to some resentment at the time for his lack of size or at least comparatively to your OM.

In and of itself, wanting something bigger doesn’t make a woman any less of a good person. Cheating is cheating. The problem is how you will convince your husband that somehow he is enough for you when at the time he wasn’t. You would do well making sure your husband understands your allure to the bigger shtick and what, if anything, he can do about it. He needs to know if this was just a curiosity of yours, or if it is a deeply rooted desire. You asked how you could help him about his size. You might think about a seeing a couples sex therapist. No matter how this ends, the guy needs to understand he is big enough for some, even if it’s not big enough for you. If he decides to stay, he needs to understand that whatever it is that he has is going to be enough. I’m not sure how the hell you are going to do that. The answer I think is very individual and can only be answered by your husband.

I applaud you for not hiding it from him. But I’m not going to lie, I think for most men that is by far the biggest insult we can get about our masculinity. A guy needs to know that his wife sees him as being a man among men. That’s difficult enough with infidelity, let alone when it was influenced by OM's size. I still think the therapist is the way to go if your husband even wants to talk about it at all. Good luck.