SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

DM,

If you love him then you are going to have to show him you love him. BTW, its not treating him like a king that is going to do it.

Its by doing the work in order to become a safe partner.

You need to figure out your why's. You need to start seeing an IC, then you start working on yourself with the books that have been recommended.

Start with Linda McDonald's book. Its a good basic one.

Then move on to Not Just friends.

Right now your words don't mean anything, and only the actions that he sees that make him realize that you are truly committed to doing the hard work will help him.

From what I have read from your BH's posts, he doesn't appear to really want you anymore. To lie about everything else, but say you went to the OM because he has a 2" bigger dick is the biggest insult you could ever give a man. You could lie about everything else, but that. Really???

The fact that you have lied and TT for another 11months does not show someone that really cares/loves their BH. I think it shows that as all other unremorseful WS's you want to hang on until the next fix comes along. You say you will never cheat again, but isn't this what you said when you said your vows. I am not trying to give you a 2x4, but it seems that you are still using TT even on here with strangers. Instead of posting the whole thing you are still doing it.

As far as making it up to your BH, I don't see that happening. Sometimes the WS says things that cuts too deep to ever be able to repair the marriage. My XWH#2 used my boob size as a put down and wanted to pay for fake ones. I was totally happy with my size and didn't want any type of surgery as I already had enough medical problems as it was. It did a real # on me when he started to cheat with a former FWB before he met me. It took me a long time to get over it and only with the help of my BF does it not bother me anymore. It would be like saying he couldn't get off because your c*** was too big after childbirth. Not saying that, but just using it for an example. How would that have made you feel?? Do you think you would feel the same if he cheated on you with some 20yr old that had never had kids.

I am sure a lot of WS's have said things to their BS's they wished they could now take back. The thing is you can't unhear/unsee what the person that supposed to love you does. Their is no making it up to the BS. Their life as they knew it has been totally devastated by the action of the person they trusted the most. I am sorry you put yourself here and can only pray that you seek IC to find out your why's.

Any words of certainty of not doing it again ring hollow given that you don't know how it happened and you already had given a sacred vow of faithfulness and it you did it anyway. Like "this time I *really* mean it."

I don't see how you could be so certain given that you don't know how it happened last time.

[This message edited by wk55hn at 6:35 AM, March 3rd (Friday)]

I am going to IC and I am doing everything to make me a healthy person again. I need to prove and show my BH that I really do want to make us work. I am working on changing to become a better person for him,our boys, and also myself.

Thank you again to all who gave advice and support.

I told dm "we" today our marriage is over. The pain she caused over the past year has burned away all love I had for her. I simply can not accept that she could treat me the way she has and loved me throughout the duration.

And largly due to the permanent damage she has done to me because of WHY she CHOSE to sleep with another man.

It is simply too too much. NOBODY NOBODY does what she did to someone they love!!!!!!

If anyone claims otherwise, THAT IS NOT LOVE

Piercing, I understand your decision. I hope you both get the help you need to heal from this tragedy so that you can be happy eventually.

DM,

In response to your question, "How can I make it up...?"

You can not. There is no way to undo what you did.

All you can do is do things right from this point forward.

My WW refused to stop seeing her OM. She lied and cheated all through IC and MC as I was trying to recover. She did not stop and she lied through our R. It was horrible.

Your affair was horrible in other ways. But, you can do things right from this point on. Read and apply "How to help your spouse recover from your affair" my McDonald. This will help.

pierking, please start your own thread and please don't hijack your wife's. She has issues she needs to work through to be safe and to grow.

One thing to keep in mind is if she had bipolar, she might not be completely herself. I believe my wife had aspects of Borderline personality disorder and acute heavy metal poisoning (mercury and lead) which severely impacted her decision making. Not that it made it any less painful for me, but it has helped me to understand why or how she did this to me.

Adultery is likely the most painful experience a person will ever feel. It is the motive for many murder mysteries for good reason! You will be forever changed, and there is no "making it up". Your old marriage was murdered. Whether you want to start a new one with your wife is up to you.

Good luck to both of you.

Stop focusing on the size thing and start focusing on you. You enjoyed the attention. Sounds to me you enjoyed the chase and teasing. My impressions. You enjoyed being a tease and enjoyed being lusted after being the quite shy insecure girl. You still are that insecure girl but traded it in for easy to overcome it. You already started the emotional connection long before you were intrigued about the size. Stop lying to him and start focusing on the person you became. He knows the truth and it all mattered to you at the time. To the person you were and still are. You don't get it? Well, use the chest thing to understand. You said you would feel crushed if your husband went after a woman with a bigger chest. Just like he was crushed you went after a man with a bigger dick. But, you didn't go after the man because his dick was bigger. You went after him because you wanted to feed your ego. You wanted the whole package-thrill, chase, to be wanted by someone else because you took your husband for granted due to your insecurities, experience. The whole shit and in the process you stepped on him to do it like the rest of us. You changed and became easy to get a cheap thrill. You fucked up and pushed it too far. Time to let your husband go and time to stop focusing on dick size and work on your real issues.