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I finally confessed to my affair yesterday. After hiding it for over a year. I told him everything but left out the specific details only to spare him.

He understandably was upset and freaked out. Screaming and flailing his body around the floor.

He left and spent the afternoon with mutual friends. He called me about 6 hours later and told me he wanted to fix things.

My honest first reaction was total frustration and anger. I should be the one begging for forgiveness and telling him how much I love him and how sorry I am. But I didn't feel that. All I felt was anger. I felt annoyed that he still wanted to be with me.

Now I am more confused than ever and really don't know where to go from here. We decided to make a decision about divorcing in the next two weeks.

Gently.....

Why are you so adamant that he has to agree with your decision? You have the right to divorce, with or without him. You are so focused on this factor, I find it confusing. You are an independant adult with rights, including the right to end a relationship.

Yes, you should feel remorseful, but you're still giving all your power to him, which is why you are so resentful. If you felt like an empowered person you probably would be more in touch with your feelings.

Have you talked to your IC? When is your next appointment?

I'm scared he is going to make my life hell. I'm scared he's going to cause conflict which is going to impact my kids. I guess it's all just fear.

Oh it's going to be hell. BS doesn't recover from something like this easily. You didn't ruin his favorite shirt. Was this some sort of exit affair? Did you do this and confess as a way to get out of the marriage? If so, listen to smoke. She knows what she is talking about. You only want to R if it is going to be easy? You need to figure out what your goals are. You need to figure out why you did this instead of just filing for divorce?

lmrw, I want you to know confessing your affair was an important step & I am sure difficult. I think the biggest thing you need to figure out is why you choose to have an affair & what did you honestly hope would come of it with you BS once you confessed. If you are in IC, this should be something to discuss. Some people have affairs in the hopes that it does end their relationship in a divorce because they are too scared to end the relationship on their own. There are also thousands of other reasons too (this is what my personal journey with IC is about).

I am two and a half months after DD. I have kids like you. The emotions run high, which is understandable. There will be tension, there will be triggers, and it is going to be difficult. If your interactions start effecting the kids, you need to set boundaries while they are around (we had to do that). I think both IC and WC is a good idea for both you & the BS.

Two weeks after DD is not a good indicator of how things will be forever.

Just like your BS deserves honesty and the choice to be happy, so do you. You need to be honest with yourself and deciding what is best for you (and your BS deciding what is best for him) will inevitably be what is best for the children long term.

I am the WW, and my personal reasons to work on reconciliation were based on the following:

1) I am NOT staying in the marriage just for the kids. This one is hard for me because, of course, I know if we separate/divorce it will hurt them. I grew up in a house with parent's in an unhealthy marriage (my mother physically and emotionally abused my father). I know staying together just for the kids IS NOT the answer for me because it was a rough childhood for me & my siblings. That was the reason my dad stayed and my brothers and I experienced years of abuse and turmoil.

2). I am NOT staying with my BH because I am afraid to be alone or by myself. I am an independent person and knowing I would be ok if we are not together is important to me. Knowing I WANT to reconcile is different than I NEED to be with my BH. I don't know if that makes sense but it does in my head.

3). I am NOT staying because I feel I owe this to my BH. I WANT to reconcile and work on it. I know it is an uphill battle most days but I want to go through the ups & downs if we can come out together. Just like with my kids, I shouldn't stay him with because I feel I have to.

4) I understand both my BH and I might change our minds about reconciliation over time through IC & WC, but it is worthwhile journey to me to pursue.

Good luck. Remember you have support here.

Why do you need two weeks. Stop being a coward and tell him it is over. You had an exit affair because you are done.

I'm scared he's going to cause conflict which is going to impact my kids.

?, in your other thread you stated he wouldn't do that. If you were really done with the marriage long before the affair started, then you have your answer. Just be sure this is really about the marriage and not about you trying to find yourself again. Because that has nothing to do with him or the marriage but about you. Married or not, you still will need to find your identity and you might see down the road that you fucked up a good thing and used him and your marriage as a scapegoat.

This is all excellent advice. Thank you guys so much.

This could not be more accurate and represents basically the core of every problem in my marriage.

Yes, you should feel remorseful, but you're still giving all your power to him, which is why you are so resentful. If you felt like an empowered person you probably would be more in touch with your feelings.

I feel so resentful towards him for being so controlling, but on the same hand am completely frustrated at myself for not being able to make a decision.

And yes, I do need to explore why this happened. I feel like I had the affair because my relationship with H felt empty. There has ALWAYS been a missing connection and we were distracted for so many years because of life events that it wasn't discovered until things calmed down and I was forced to look at how bad our relationship actually was.

If I stay to R it will be for the following reasons.

1. to not disrupt my kids lives

2. to remain financially stable

3. because i am scared that i cant do this on my own.

I don't feel like those are reasons to stay in a marriage. I will feel trapped, it will feel forced. If I stay it should be because I love him and want to make this work. I currently don't feel that way. When I try to feel compassion or empathy towards him I just become angry. He should be angry at me, not the other way around and I am having a hard time understanding that.

Zugzwang - I'm not sure if its about me finding myself. I guess in a way doesn't it have to be? Isn't that a part of all this? I'm not sure I will be able to work through my issues and discover what I need while I am in this marriage.

Imrw, I am going through the exact same thing and I completely understand your feelings. Upon discovery day ( 6 months ago) my husband was devastated and I was prepared for him to leave, separate and eventually file for divorce. However, literally the same day, he wanted the marriage, to stay married, to move forward and it makes me angry and confused at the same time, almost annoyed that he wants to be with me. I do feel a tremendous amount of remorse and guilt. I even question if I still love my BS to reconcile the marriage and do forever. I question marriag, love because I ended betraying my vows and my husband.. I too share the same concerns with staying in my marriage and share the same reasons to R, however that does not equal happiness. It will equal feelings of being trapped and forced. The last 6 months have been hell, no true reconciliation, just on a emotional roller coaster spinning out of control. I've strongly considered separation, but not even sure how to execute it, since in our marriage, although he's a great father, I am the spouse who has done all of the heavy lifting- taking care of the kids day to day, cook, clean, laundry, emotional support, physical support, planning of activities for us to do, plus I have a demanding career. My marriage has felt very empty, I've feel neglected. Sorry I have nothing to offer-no advice, but I do understand.

WW-40

BH-49

Kids-7, 18, 24

DD- Sept 2017

Married -9 years

Separate, Divorce, Reconciliation........Still trying to figure it out.

[This message edited by Missbrown at 2:01 PM, March 13th (Monday)]

I feel like I had the affair because my relationship with H felt empty.

You had an affair because you refused to step up for yourself. It isn't his fault you stayed. He is who he is. You refused to take healthy control of your life and instead took an easier cowardly way out. I am sorry you are in the situation you are in, but it is due to the inability of your choices that you could control. IMO anyone that stays in an abusive relationship waiting for that person to change has no right to throw the blame on them. The blame goes on the person staying and "putting" up with it. It is the same as taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. Was he responsible for himself and his role in the relationship? Yes, but in no way responsible for your lack of getting out of it in a healthier way. The affair was due to your bad coping skills. Your reaction. Not the stimulus.

If I stay to R it will be for the following reasons.

1. to not disrupt my kids lives

2. to remain financially stable

3. because i am scared that i cant do this on my own.

No, those aren't good reasons. You sound like you are talking about an apartment vrs a house.

He should be angry at me, not the other way around and I am having a hard time understanding that.

Because he didn't cheat. He wants to be valued. He is trying to nice you back. It will not last long. When the anger phase hits and he begins to wonder if a cheating wife is worth it, be prepared for him to get angry. Right now he is damage trauma.

I'm not sure if its about me finding myself. I guess in a way doesn't it have to be? Isn't that a part of all this? I'm not sure I will be able to work through my issues and discover what I need while I am in this marriage.

You would need to read the books to understand what I mean. I mean what I think it was "Not Just Friends" suggested and what I have seen on occasion here with some people getting out of the marriage and still being unhappy, then to only realize that it was their role in life they were unhappy about. Job, whatever-then trying to get their spouse back. Only you know if you marriage really sucked or if you just caused the distance and damage to it after you started chasing someone else. Rewriting marriage history. Of course you are going to be estranged. You were chasing someone else. Hard to be close when you gave your attention and affection to someone else. But, only you know the amount of resentment you had before and why.

If it was because he was controlling. The damage is done and it can't be undone for the love lost due to his controlling behavior, then leave. But, don't blame him one second for your choices. That is all on you. You stayed that long. You could have divorced. You could have insisted on MC or divorce.

Zug - I knew I could count on you for a reality check. 😊

Regretting leaving him for the wrong reasons is a huge fear of mine. Which I think is why I haven't done it yet. I AM scared that a lot of this has to do with my unhappiness in my own life outside of our relationship. However much of my sadness is due to some empty feeling in my marriage that I have never quite been able to explain ( way before the affair).

So yeah it's confusing. And yeah I think I was hoping by confessing i wouldn't have to make the decision to leave. He would make it for me. But that didn't happen. It's still on me to make this choice and I'm terrified I'm going to make the wrong one.

[This message edited by lmrw at 5:31 PM, March 13th (Monday)]

It is very possible that it is both for you. You need to work on yourself, that is obvious, but that does not mean that you are all the sudden going to be happy in your marriage.

Just because you fix your own shit, doesn't mean that you will fall head over heels in love with your husband. If there were issues before you had an affair, more than likely those issues will still exist. And because you had an affair, those issues are going to have to take a very large back seat while the affair gets the attention.

Having a fear about the things you listed regarding reasons to stay with him are not unusual. However, they are logical reasons to stay, not really reasons that one should opt to choose to reconcile. Reconciling is really hard work and requires that both spouses be in 100%. It is not a bad thing if you are saying that you can't do this, it is something that you need to be honest with yourself and your husband about. Even if it is really hard.

And yeah I think I was hoping by confessing i wouldn't have to make the decision to leave. He would make it for me. But that didn't happen.

There is your answer. BTW, have you tried to give MC a shot? How bad is the controlling behavior? Would outsiders consider it abuse?

tired girl - I agree. I am really trying hard with this new honesty thing. And I did tell him that I'm not sure I will be able to give 100% to this marriage because of all the anger and resentment i have towards him. He told me in that case we are getting divorced.

Zug - We are seeing a therapist together which was originally his IC. She apparently doesn't want to have a joint session until he processes this on his own? ( this is what he told me)

For the first 6-7 years of our relationship I was warned by several people that he was controlling and manipulative but I ignored it, I fought with people about it and I let him steer the ship for years. Honestly when I first met him everyone in my life hated him, told me I was crazy and not to marry him. But now they pick him over me. He has made some improvements, but only recently and only because I threatened to leave him and he needs to have control. He cant control my feelings and its driving him insane. He uses guilt as a way to manipulate me, he always has.

The past few days there has been a lot of arguing over the affair, which I understand and expected. However he is only focused on that and not what caused our relationship to fall apart years ago. Which was him not listening to me and being unwilling to change. If we are going to ever be civil with each other through D or R, he is going to have to see the bigger picture, but I dont think he will.

So you wanted to tell him you had an A and you wanted him to make the choice to leave but now your mad bc he didn't???

If you don't want to be with your H why can't YOU make that choice? Bc you don't want to look like the bad guy? You didn't want to tell him before about the A. I am guessing you don't want to look bad. Sounds like your trying to Force him to make those choices bc you don't want to own up to anything

R is for when BOTH people want to. If you don't feel it or want it it's not going to work. Sounds like you truly don't want to but your not making that choice. Why?? You say his controlling How? Have you talk to him about that? Is that holding you back from wanting to R with him? He gotta change bc he wants to change don't make him. But you can change and make a difference in the marriage.

A friend of mine once told me during my R with my H "don't bitch about your marriage not working or get mad when YOU refuse to do anything different. You want to see a difference but the DIFFERENCE!! ". She is blunt with me and that's what I need. We can't sit around and wait for the other person to change but we can change ourselves!!!

And I did tell him that I'm not sure I will be able to give 100% to this marriage because of all the anger and resentment i have towards him. He told me in that case we are getting divorced.

This is not owning it or your actions and choices still. You are doing things in a passive aggressive manner to make him take the initiative or maybe to get the blame for it ending?

We are seeing a therapist together which was originally his IC.

You don't have your own IC? Why? No, you don't use his IC to be a MC. These are basic things.

For the first 6-7 years of our relationship I was warned by several people that he was controlling and manipulative but I ignored it, I fought with people about it and I let him steer the ship for years. Honestly when I first met him everyone in my life hated him, told me I was crazy and not to marry him. But now they pick him over me. He has made some improvements, but only recently and only because I threatened to leave him and he needs to have control. He cant control my feelings and its driving him insane. He uses guilt as a way to manipulate me, he always has.

Instead of telling us this, tell it to yourself. Which is worse, the controlling one or the one allowing themselves to be controlled? You can whine till you are blue in the face about who he is. Makes no difference. You can't change or control him. The only person you can control is yourself. So leave. Don't leave the decision up to him. Just make it. 6-7 years and no changes that stick? Turn on the lightbulb.

Which was him not listening to me and being unwilling to change. If we are going to ever be civil with each other through D or R, he is going to have to see the bigger picture, but I dont think he will.

Yeah, years down the road. When he is out of trauma. You may have had legitimate complaints about the marriage but you don't have a pot to piss in because you negated it all by cheating. Get it? Is it fair? No, but it still will not change that you threw a grenade into it all making the fact that he had a part to own not really matter. It is like there where issues with boards and windows in the house. None of it really matters since the ground is quicksand or poisoned. You are regretful but not remorseful. You don't get the damage you did because all you see is that it was his fault he was so controlling. No. It was your fault you let him be that way. It was your fault you stayed and enabled the behavior. It was your fault you chose an exit affair instead of being brave enough to say you were done. But, now you expect him to own his part of the marriage troubles after the fact. Not going to happen anytime soon. He is bleeding out and your affair trumps the years of his controlling behavior for him. Do you really expect him to see it differently right now? The fact that you do, means you are only regretful. You chose a cruel and hurtful way to get your husband to end your marriage because you couldn't do it yourself and you want him to see his part and fault? He is in great pain and you expect him to be civil for your actions? One day out? Get real lady stop blaming him. Blame yourself. He is who he is. If you don't like it, leave. No point in blaming him and getting mad that he will not be someone different. Your the one that put up with the actions. Own all your shit, stop focusing on a tit for tat bullshit.

What Zug is trying to tell you in a not so tactful way is that right now your A is going to take center stage, not any of the pre affair stuff that you are resentful about. And rightfully so.

You can't ask him to focus on the things he did wrong that you are angry about when you have just blown up his world, does this make sense?

If you are not able to support him in repair the damage you have done with your affair then probably getting D would be the best thing.

What is your hesitation in being the one to make this decision?

T/J

ZugZwang, what is with the nonstop angry 2x4's at all waywards? Do you have a personal grudge against waywards in general or do you feel this style works? Just asking.

I see where Zugzwang is coming from with her post.

She keeps blaming everything on her H. He cheated first. He did this to me. I let him do this. Everything is his fault.

Sounds to me you are upset that your H maybe didn't take responsibility for his A and now your wondering why you should or how do I become a better person if his unwilling. I am getting from this is that your H didn't do nothing to work on himself why should I? You have resentment towards your H bc he didn't do the work and mad he didn't take responsibility why should I. Sounds childish.

Or maybe you let go his A bc he was in a bad spot and now you think he needs to do the same for you but he won't. "I didn't make his life a living hell but his going to make my life one so why would I get back together with him". Sounds like you think he needs to let it go bc that's what you did for him

It's like when two kids fight. He touch me. Well he touch me first. He did this and that I am not saying sorry until he does. Not he hurt me worse. Well he did this ect... you get the picture!

Your bitterness and resentment towards your H is holding you back to change for yourself. Your blaming his mistakes get in the way of you changing. Life will only get harder if people keep blaming everyone for their faults.

Just feel this style works from experience. Being nice is the role APs play for us. It is what we expect and want. That is what my second AP was. Reality is hard and training wheels need to come off in order to get out of the cushy wayward playpen. Just my opinion and my take. I don't do patting hands, there are plenty on here that do that enough, so they get that support. If the opinions and 2x4s of a stranger are that effective, then the wayward has more problems to deal with than just being a wayward. I tell what I think is the truth from experience and I don't sugar coat it. IMO we all got that fantasy sugar coating for far too long and now it is time to swallow the shit we expect our BS to swallow in order to R. The longer things remain "nicing" them out of the affair, the longer it takes to look at oneself. The longer the BS is put through Hell. I am remorseful as all Hell that I didn't take a hard look at myself sooner and put my wife through shit for 2 years. Every month that a wayward spends not owning their shit, is one more month their BS gives up on them or becomes estranged. Why? Because we can't face ourselves. Because we want things to not hurt and be easy. Why enable that. Just tell it like it is. The brutal truth. Our BS know it long before we do and get it. So, why continue to lie to ourselves? Maybe my way doesn't work, who knows. Still give my opinion because at the end of the day it is just that. Opinion. If someone doesn't like it then they ignore it. If it breaks them, then they have more important things to worry about if a strangers opinion matters that much. I just know what worked for me. In the end of everything it is all about what we can control, which our reactions to stimuli.

Abusive situations do drive me nuts and I am probably projecting too much, my sister stayed with an abusive fuck for far too long till she caught him cheating and left for good and never looked back. I don't know what it is like for the abused, but I do know what it is like for the people that care about the abused. Listening to them day after day, complaining that so-and-so will not change and blaming everything on the abuser. Beating your head against the wall, when they don't see that the abused are enabling them to be abusers by staying and "hoping" they will change. Waiting for them to either finally get it or show up dead. Not realizing that choosing to be abused and treated like that is just as bad as the abusers. Usually with nieces and nephews in tow. Can't control the abusers but one can choose to not be abused. No point preaching about the abuser that doesn't want to change. No point going into detail about they did this or they did that. You don't need to prove it to the choir, they need to prove it to themselves.

I think I asked because I sense a certain amount of personal angst you are bringing to your responses. Just an observation.

I have gone through periods were I have felt like whacking people over the head due to my own internal issues, I had to step back from SI for a time until those were worked through.

While I always work from my own experience, I try to be fairly neutral in my emotions when responding.

Neutral I am not. I used to be. Played the Devil's advocate most the time too in our group of friends. Not anymore. I have hard lines now on moral and ethical things. It used to be about me and how things impacted my freedom. Now, I see things for others too. My children and my family. How things impact more than just myself. I used to live in the moment. Bad coping skills and instant gratification and impulsive. That is what neutral means to me. Still do live in the moment, but I also live for the future. It means having stances and sticking to them for me. What is right and what is wrong. Not what works for that particular time. Neutral means a person that stands by and watched others self destruct or harm others. Neutral meant me standing and watching my sister get treated like shit by my mother or her husband and not saying anything because I wanted to be the "Golden child". Neutral meant no loyalty to anyone but myself. Not anymore. I choose and take a stance. Then hope that I am right and doing the least harm.