SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'd like to speak/write to the waiting a few days to talk about the issue.

I'm the type of person who needs to talk about something soon after it comes up. Otherwise I can really spin in my mind.

I think it's kind of cruel to make a person wait if they really feel the need to talk. What does he need days for? He knows you are upset.

I like to take some time to process and think things through, but usually just a day or maybe two then I'm ready.

We haven't had any big fights yet but he's said in the past he can retract and go cold which I think is what's happening. I don't like it, and it reminds me of the "stone walling" tactic that isn't a great indicator of how someone communicates during conflict.

Waiting until the weekend feels too long and creates too much space from the actual event in my view. I'm feeling a bit better today but it's almost like the more time goes by, the less angry I feel - which is maybe why he wants to wait, so I can defuse a bit.

I'm thinking maybe he's angry that I snooped and also that he feels like I don't trust him. I get that, and have thought about why I did it. I think it's mostly my issues, but also, I guess I didn't feel right about their relationship - or felt jealous about it. While, I don't feel great about having done it, I am glad that it led me to find out that I do have issues with the tone of their texts and so I do want to discuss boundaries and what I think is appropriate.

The trust thing is what it is. I've always thought that I trusted him - I know that he is a very trustworthy person, but it's really hard for me to 100% trust anyone, and now I feel like my spidey sense is on about their relationship. I'm not sure what to say about that. It feels like a hard thing to come back from but I'd hate to end things on this.

My H and I were recently discussing something similar. We are both BS, and both share custody, so there is contact with ex's over children/finances.

My H and I were discussing if our relationship with our exs would be "better" if they hadn't cheated. In reality, we don't know because neither of us experienced that...but we are both in the "no ex belongs in our relationship". We feel it is healthiest to maintain very strong boundaries with opposite sex friends/ exs...and protect our marriage first. Kids/finances with exs and that's it.

I'm not sure if it is "jealousy" or being BS, or if it's a sign that we just really value our relationship...but we are both like this, so it works for us.

I can remember early on in dating my H, he had a few exs on his FB page, and I questioned why...and he replied, "I guess I didnt' think it was a big deal because I have no contact with them." I replied that it did make me slightly uncomfortable as I removed mine once the relationship was over. He then removed them. That was his decision, I didn't ask him to...he did it because he valued our relationship more than maintaining anything with an ex.

I think, bottom line, your spidey senses were tingling for a reason. Do not ignore, or rug sweep, even if your anger is cooling. You can give him the opportunity of a few days to think/process and see what he says. Do not feel guilty about "snooping"...because what you were really doing is acting on a gut feeling that a boundary was being crosses. It was. You have to protect yourself...and if you discover that you and he have different boundaries with exs, then you'll need to evaluate what YOU want. I, personally, would find their relationship to be a yellow flag....proceed with caution.

If he blames you at all...that's your clue that you have different values. Blaming, justifying, defensiveness should raise red flags. Now, I will say, my H has had to work on being defensive...and now we've learned to say: "You are being defensive", and we work through things in a different way after re-setting. I've also learned not to "blame" if something happens, and sometimes I have to wait several days before I know I can communicate effectively if bothered by something. I do need to let the emotion settle so I'm not "blaming". I also take the time to evaluate my own feelings and triggers, knowing they are there to "protect me".

He *should* validate your concerns "I can see that exchange could be painful for you or cause you to doubt me". He should evaluate why, "I guess I still harbored a few feelings and I've evaluated what those feelings are...." he should comfort you, "I'm all in on this relationship. What can I do to make you feel more comfortable" type stuff.

Hang in there!

I wanted to post an update here bc this group has been so helpful and supportive. The talk about the exchange with his ex wife went as well as it possibly could have. He apologized, acknowledged that it was wrong, recognized how inappropriate that it could have sounded, and while understanding how I could have read there to be nostalgia involved, reiterated that he has only platonic feelings for her and was trying to be supportive to her during a tough time. I felt a lot better. He had really thought about it, how I felt, offered to have NC or have me see all of their texts, etc... We had a really healthy and open conversation and then spent the day reconnecting and talking. While not something I have with any ex's, I think it's good to have a positive relationship with one and I know he's a good guy and just wants the best for her.

BUT - and, of course, there's a but here. Not because of - but with - some of the time we took not really speaking - he has become somewhat hesitant about having a kid which is something we've talked about and have been on the same page about having 1.

As background, he and his ex sadly lost a baby and their marriage fell apart before they could successfully adopt. He has said from early on that he still wants to have a kid, has always wanted to be a father, and knows if he doesn't he will regret it.

He's wavered on getting remarried but now says he would marry me and wants to be with me and my DD. But he has a lot of concerns about a baby. Mainly they are financial - we live in a pricey city and recently his only living parent has become a financial burden who he will have to partly support. But also his age - 43 - is a factor as he's a huge planner and has worked hard to live very comfortably and retire at a certain age and things like traveling and continuing to take me out to nice places are very important to him. I sense that he's become comfortable in his life on his own and- even thought he's always wanted to be a father - is finding it now hard to go back to that mindset...

Obviously having a kid makes things like travel, going out, etc... more difficult. For me, having another has always been really important and I'm more than willing to sacrifice a lot for it. And, as a parent, I'm already not really placing as high of a premium on these things. I'm still young enough where I could do it, but time is a factor for me as well (I have frozen eggs so not totally panicked, and I don't think this would be my last chance).

Neither of us want to end things - we want to be together, we love each other, we communicate well and have a great relationship. He says he could "get there" but he's just worried. Which is also what he said about remarriage early on.

But, this is so hard b/c I can sense that he's now pretty hesitant and confused about this. I'm about 80% that I would walk if he definitely didn't want a kid. He is probably 50/50 at this point. I know it's not something to be pushed, but because he's always said that it's something he's wanted, I find myself trying to be patient, reassuring and supportive and sometimes I feel like I'm trying to re-convince him. And, I've been down that road w/ my XWH...I know it's not something you want to push on someone.

I just can't get a great read on how much he is just nervous, b/c, of course, it's a huge decision and everyone should be nervous. Versus, is he now telling me that we want different things?

I have considered, should I just let it go and accept that I am lucky to have someone who wants to be with us and have a family with DD and me? And, let's face it, is it MUCH easier to just have the one and then relish in our relationship, and having more freedom, time, money, traveling, etc... those things sound great to me.

I'm just not sure I'm ready to let go of having a second. I want to give him more time. But because of our ages, we just don't have that much. In my heart of hearts I think he's confused and really contemplating the reality of a baby which I get. I'm just not sure what to do at this point.