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I've been with BF for 9 months and things have been going really well. We talk about the future pretty seriously, have traveled together, and he's meet DD who adores him, etc… We are very happy.

He's been divorced for ~ 6 years but they were separated once or twice in their ~ 14 year marriage. From what I understand it was fraught with communication issues, family drama, and emotional & physical separation. Despite that, the break was very soft and they still have a friendly "sibling" like relationship and talk once or twice a month. She lives oversees so I don't worry too much about it, and have always thought it was a positive thing that they had an amicable divorce and have been able to retain a pretty good relationship overall. He is a really nice, good guy and wants her to be happy, etc..

Last week she told him she was getting remarried which was not a big surprise, but I asked him how he felt about it and let him know that I was here/open to talk, and understood if he felt anything other than just 'happy' for her. He said that it was a little weird but that the overriding emotion was happiness.

Yesterday I saw their text message exchange (yes, I snooped. Not my finest moment) and immediately triggered and felt very uncomfortable with the nature of it. I won’t go into too much detail but it felt very nostalgic for their past marriage and kindof reminiscing in a way that I felt was disrespectful to our relationship.

I confronted him and let him know how inappropriate I felt like it was. He understood how/why I would have taken things that way, but that they were actually just joking around, and he reaffirmed that he wants to be with me, that their relationship is a friendship, with nothing else going on, but that if I wasn’t comfortable with it he would no longer be in touch with her. I said I needed to think about it and he left. I know the difference between a joke in a text, and something that has more meaning behind it, this struck me as more the latter.

Now I’m not sure what to do. I don’t think I overreacted, but I also want to try to see his side and be understanding of their relationship (to some extent). I don’t really want to force NC on them. I just struggle with, how can he have these nostalgic-like thoughts about their marriage (however ‘joking’ he thinks it is) whilst still be fully invested in our relationship. Just not sure that's possible?

Of course I feel very insecure and jealous and compounded by what I’ve been through - wondering if XWH has feelings for someone else, I’m just sick about this. I love this man and want a future with him, and he says the same.

Anyone have experience here with a SO and a friendly ex?

Do they have children together that necessitates contact? It didn't seem so, based on your post. Frankly, outside of that I would be very uncomfortable with ongoing friendship between former spouses/partners.

If he volunteered NC, I would take him up on that option with no qualms about it. There is no reason that I can see that they need to continue this ongoing relationship. But I'm pretty cold about going NC when relationships end. It ended for a reason, IMO, and I don't need/want you in my life any longer.

Ugh. I'd feel the same way you do. I've thought about this way too much since my D, because it seems like exes never *really* go away now. Maybe they never did, I can't speak to what things were like 20 years ago, but I haven't dated a man yet who wasn't in some kind of contact (even if it's only a few times a year) with an ex-girlfriend or ex-wife. All my girlfriends, married and single, deal with this on some level too. I don't know what the right way is to deal with it. On the flip side, men from my past check in with me all the time too. With some of them I'll have a friendly, short conversation with good boundaries, but I know others are fishing to see if I'd be up for a booty call or more so I ignore. My womanizing brother, who is in contact with literally dozens of women at any given time for "warm leads", always says, "It's easier to get a woman to screw you if you've already screwed her before." My brother is an extreme version of this but I think a lot of men think this way, even if it's just for emotional backup or ego validation.

I love this man and want a future with him, and he says the same.

Actions, not words. He's telling you what you want to hear in order to keep the peace, but he's still getting something from contact with the ex.

Sorry, I don't have any advice and I'm sure someone will be along with something wise, but I just wanted to let you know you've been heard and you're not alone in feeling this way.

This:

Actions, not words. He's telling you what you want to hear in order to keep the peace, but he's still getting something from contact with the ex.

Personally, I couldn't be in a relationship like this, and would most definitely feel as uncomfortable as you do. If BF's XW is getting married soon, I wonder if this dynamic will change on it's own...it might be worth your while to just wait and see what happens after the wedding.

I'm sorry bixby.

Thanks guys. They don't have kids so my standpoint is the same that once it's over it's over. I wish I didn't have to see/talk to my XWH ever but we have a kid. And, obviously the split was on different terms.

My concern about pushing the NC is that I would probably feel badly about it. They got married very young and were basically each others only family through some pretty tough times. It's hard to force someone you love to cut off a relationship that they consider to be like a close friend or sibling. My BF has been through a lot and is very kind and caring. It's not my style to be jealous about these things - I actually wanted to meet her until now. If I hadn't been cheated on I don't think I would have cared that much.

My sense is that in the past they have relied on each other for support from time to time since their D. To ExposedNiblet's point, maybe her remarriage will end that. I guess it's just a raw time and they were lightheartedly reminiscing on things or whatever. It just really sucked to see.

He understood how/why I would have taken things that way, but that they were actually just joking around

It's this that bothers me. Just joking around? It feels like when someone insults you and you are offended. Then they tell you that you are too sensitive and "can't take a joke". Uh, no. I believe the insult. It wasn't a joke.

Perhaps the event of her marrying caused them to have a trip down memory lane. Fine (well, not really, but you know what I mean). Don't try to minimize it by calling it "joking around". Just be honest about it. I wonder what her fiance would think about the conversation?

I don't have any advice on how to proceed. I'd feel uncomfortable forcing NC. I'd hope he'd come to that conclusion on his own. Or, at the very least include you in future conversations.

Gak bixby,

I am no doubt projecting my own experience - but lookout for those red flags.

It's hard to force someone you love to cut off a relationship that they consider to be like a close friend or sibling

Absolutely impossible it seems for my STBXWH and his (not so) ex-GF.

They carried on a EA/PA for over 20 years whilst he was married to me.

Trigger? yup - he told me she was "like a sister" to him.

that is a sister with whom you have sex

And no...... ultimately her relationships, her marriage - and their failures - only brought them together time after time as it turned out.

My STBXWH stated proudly the he was " a constant father-figure" in her daughter's life (I strongly suspect that she is HIS daughter, the timing would fit) during her mother's (slut) chaos of a life.

Bugger that bixby - take care that you don't become me.

Red Alert, MOB xxx

I totally agree Snapdragon, the "we were just joking" thing really pissed me off. I know what a joke is!

And, yes, if it's a trip down memory lane then lets call a spade a spade and have an honest conversation about what that means.

Even if they had kids together this would bother me, but the fact that they don't have kids, she lives overseas, they stay in regular contact, AND there was a walk down memory lane (the one you know about) right before she is set to remarry is troublesome. I have kept in touch with an ex-boyfriend from many years ago. We were each other's firsts, moved away to college together, and had an on-off relationship for many years, so I think we will always have somewhat of a soft spot for each other.

However, that said, our keeping in touch is a text once or twice a year to check in, see how his wife and children are doing, see how my kids are doing, ask about our extended family members that we knew, say Merry Christmas, and just leave it at that. We never talk about how it used to be. It's just sort of an acknowledgement that we still care if the other and our families are okay. There are no intimate conversations and nothing that if his wife took a look at his phone would ever cause her concern.

I understand that people have bonds, but I also think that if those bonds are carried over year after year and into new relationships/marriages, it's more of an EA than just a friendship or an occasional check in with an old friend. This is especially true if there are no kids involved.

I'm not sure where you go from here. I think, at this point, you watch his actions rather than listen to what he says about it all being a joke. Your gut is telling you that stuff like that is not really a joke - if there's one thing we've all learned from this mess, it's to listen to your gut.

IDK; some people make better friends than spouses. Perhaps that was their situation. What did they reminisce about? Any sexual innuendo? If not, I can't see getting too upset about this.

I guess I can see this from your BFs point of view.

I can look back at my relationship with my high school sweetheart and fondly reminisce, but acknowledging those times is in no way a threat to my marriage. Now, if I wanted to revisit those feelings and have those times again, then it crosses the line. Not all romantic relationships end with bitterness, sometimes, things just don't work out, and the relationship either fizzles (for most) or changes, and in your BFs case, the relationship morphed into a friendship. I actually know of two separate instances (one couple with kids, one without) where a friendship remained after the breakdown of the marriage, infidelity was not involved with either.

I think of this a little different than most. If you have an XS and have kids, of course you will talk from time to time. My SO speaks to his XW#1 because they have kids and grandkids. He doesn't go out of his way however to find out about their life.

I also speak now with XWH#1 about once every couple of weeks and SO knows this as I always tell him. I usually call due to something I need to fix and he was good at stuff like that. Sometimes during the conversation we will take a trip down memory lane, but it really is in a joking matter. He of course wanted more after I kicked XWH#2 to the curb, but I quickly let him know I was not interested. He has met my SO and I have met his now GF. I would never be friendly with XWH#2 however because I have no children with him and he is a snake. I think SO would have a huge problem with it also just from what I have told him.

The fact that their relationship ending was not caused by infidelity would make a huge difference to me. I guess I would think that my paranoia was being caused by that and not so much that he actually wanted her. She is getting married and he is happy for her and not sad like you thought he would be. I think if he harbored any feelings for her, he wouldn't feel that way. Also, it's not like she is around the corner somewhere.

If however it makes you uncomfortable, then you have every right to voice that to him and let him know he needs to keep it brief when he talks/texts/FB/e-mails to make you feel better because of what you have went through. If however it still makes you uncomfortable, then let him know that he needs to end the contact.

The "we were just joking," that's called gaslighting. Even if you don't dump him like yesterday, you need to call him out on that crap. Lies are still lies no matter how small. They are insulting to the individual being lied to, and it is selfish.

The fact that you see it, and are willing to question your own response, telling. I know you care for this person, but maybe you need to detach and get some space for a few weeks to get some perspective. I will NEVER again question my boundaries, N.E.V.E.R!

I no longer believe in "second chances", but that's me so take it with a grain of salt.

Thanks all. It's really helpful to get the different perspectives here. I've been thinking a lot about it and writing down how I feel and what I want to say. I don't really feel differently from how I originally did, but I'm trying to take into account a lot of different circumstances in our situation, and I think I'm ready to talk today. Any other thoughts are welcome. Thanks again!

WH's EA was with his ex-gf. They never married because he didn't want to marry her. She was married at the time of their EA. She lived halfway across the country if they were planning to meet up. Her BH had found texts that he thought were disrespectful to their relationship and told her to stop. Instead they took it underground. They insisted they were just friends.

My WH and his AP aren't your SO and his ex - but don't rationalize anything because of distance, their friendship, etc.

Tell your SO that you want him to forward the texts to his exW's fiancé, and see how much of a "joke" the fiancé thinks the conversation is.

I agree with PPs the "just joking" is a way to minimize and if your gut is saying this isn't right/joke then listen.

He's now saying that he wants to take a few more days and wait until this weekend to talk. Huh?! I'm now just eager to get this off my chest and don't want to hold onto it until then. I'm having a not great time focusing, eating, sleeping, etc...

I'm not sure if this is a deflection move - like he's going to turn it around on me? I really don't think I overreacted but I can see that he would not be happy that I read his phone. I did apologize for that.

Maybe he's upset that he feels like I don't trust him. I do. But again, I feel like this is a classic move to make it about something I did wrong. I hate that my trust issues from my XWH's affair led me to snoop as well.... but what I saw is - for me - obviously the main issue.

Ugh, just really don't want to wait. Should I push to talk sooner or just give him time for whatever he needs it for?

Was it your "issues" telling you to check the phone - or your gut, telling you that something was not right, and because of your past you knew better than to ignore your gut screaming?

If he turns this around on you, I think you know what to do with his blameshifting @ss.

Like I said before - if they were only joking, it's ok if her fiancé knows about the exchange, right?

Ugh. I guess my answer to your question, "How friendly is too friendly?" is "it depends". The most important thing is for you to find out where the line of "too friendly" is in this situation for you. One of my dear friends used to tell me "the thing about boundaries, is that you never really know where the line is until it gets crossed." Sounds like that is what happened. You didn't even know there was a need for a boundary there until he crossed it.

I won’t go into too much detail but it felt very nostalgic for their past marriage and kind of reminiscing in a way that I felt was disrespectful to our relationship

So, a line got crossed. You weren't bothered by their contact before, so either something changed in their relationship or you became aware of something that you weren't aware of before. Feelings aren't facts, it may not have been his intention to be overly friendly or overly nostalgic. He gets a chance to explain his intentions.

At the same time you can listen to your gut and explore the reasons why this contact bothered you.

He wants some breathing room before discussing it again? I hear that is painful for you to wait but maybe he is the type who needs to think about something before he can talk about it (I'm like that). 3 or 4 more days gives you some time to give some good thought too. Questions like what were your triggers? Are they based on your past only or are there warning signs in the current relationship he and his xw have? What about the tone and content felt "disrespectful"? Could that tone be modified in the future? Where do you want the new boundary to be? What is acceptable to him?

Communication is key to resolving disagreements satisfactorily. It will mean a lot if he handles this well with you, pays attention and cares about your feelings as well as his own.

We're here for you! Keep us posted...

My H has remained friendly with every xgf he has ever had.

I, on the other hand, am not sure I would cross the street to do CPR on any of my exes.

Anyway, I don't thing it is as regular as your situation, but I have always thought his situation with his exs was healthier than mine.

I would tell him you feel uncomfortable and why. I would say perhaps instead of cutting off contact, maybe you could be a part of their communications.

I differ somewhat with some other posters. I find nothing wrong with cordial communication with an x, unless and until you feel uncomfortable.