SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I read on this site daily, but rarely post. I am about 1 year out from DDay, when my husband learned of my 2 month long online EA. We both began IC and MC; both have helped tremendously. As a result of therapy, it was identified my husband had extreme difficulty with understanding other's emotional needs, to the point the therapist recommended testing for asperger's. This testing did indicate he has high functioning asperger's. While this does not change anything in regards to my love for him or my commitment to the marriage and owning my shit, I do need to confront the fact that his inability to meet my emotional needs may never dramatically change. This is not his fault; his brain is just wired very differently.

I guess I am just wondering if there is anyone else out there who is married to someone who is neurodiverse? My choice to engage in an EA has nothing to do with my husband....that was my own ego and poor boundaries and coping skills. But I know I was attempting to fill an emotional void, even though I did it in a very damaging, destructive way.

What is asperger? Like a mental illness?

Sorry for not being clear. Asperger's is basically high functioning autism. Common traits are extreme black and white thinking, difficulty reading emotional and social cues in others, difficulty understanding the viewpoints of other people. Can be perceived as unempathetic, unfeeling, etc.

I do understand how you feel and what you're going through to an extent. Our first marriage counselor last year suggested that my husband be tested for aspergers. He refused to get tested or go back to that marriage counselor after that. I do work with intellectually disabled adults so I have some experience being able to identify this. I'm not sure if my husband would be diagnosed with aspergers, but if not he is right on the cusp.

There is an extreme inability to understand others' emotions which is something that has turned me off from him for most of our relationship, and in my opinion caused a significant amount of our problems.

Unfortunately, I don't have a whole lot of advice but I can empathize with what you're going through. I too fear that my husband will never be able to change or be what I need him to be emotionally. I guess that's up to us to decide if it's something we are willing to work with or if it's time to move on.

No stop sign, I am the BS. My fwh was also tested after d day, he has hugh functiining asbergers as well. It all makes sense to me, the little cues.

We are using reflective listening now. It is really helping him with what I need. I also learned there us no shame in saying this is what need specfically.

Communication? Even though he may not be able to sense your needs, he has ears and you can speak words. It may not be instinct for him, but he can still work on it.

And learning to find your worthiness from within, rather than from him. IC to figure out why it's not already there (some childhood crap that is bogging you down, I'm sure) and learning new ways. I don't have much else to say about this. I'm neck deep in it and it sucks so much.

Getting a diagnosis of Aspbergers is a blessing and a curse. It is a blessing because you realize that your spouse has some wiring that leads to some things that maybe weren't desirable behaviors, but also it makes you realize that some things may not ever change a whole lot. I have a friend who divorced her husband because of that - for exactly the reason you state. She realized he wasn't really ever going to change that much. Interestingly, there is a happier ending -- she later remarried him!

I will say that the therapy is getting better and better in terms of helping folks with Aspbergers relate better to neurotypicals. (And vice versa). I have quite a few Aspies in my family -- both diagnosed and undiagnosed. I will say to keep in mind that your husband is the same guy you married -- you saw things in him then that he still has. Now with deeper understanding of both of you, you guys can improve your marriage.

I do wonder how he will process the affair though -- some Aspies can be very black and white in their thinking in certain areas. Has he indicated there is a chance he will be able to get over this?

[This message edited by bionicgal at 7:23 AM, March 16th (Thursday)]

Thank you all for your responses. I feel like the diagnosis is definitely a blessing and a curse! So many of our marital struggles make more sense to me now, and I can understand him so much better. And I am incredibly lucky that he is so invested in making our marriage work, considering the pain I caused him. He has now gotten to the point where he understands his emotional limitations have impacted me greatly, and is willing to learn tools to improve that aspect of our relationship. I, in turn, need to work to understand the way in which he views and relates to the world and continue to do the work on myself to ensure I have better coping skills and boundaries moving forward. Because the lack of connection was the primary driver to my affair (I am not saying it was his fault, I opened that door and chose the actions I did), I need to really make sure I get my shit dealt with. Now I know there will probably always be an element of our emotional connection that is missing for me, and that does make me sad. But there is so much about him that makes him an amazing partner: he's super intelligent, loyal, a great father. And the crappiest thing about this mess I created was that it was only through his response to my affair I finally was able to understand the depth of his love for me. For him to still even be around and willing to work to save this marriage is the biggest testament to his love. Like bionicgal points out, his extreme black and white thinking makes dealing with something like an affair even more difficult. He has had to work so hard, which is unfair. I just am trying to be honest with myself about what led me to my EA and deal with my issues, because I fundamentally know a lot of what was painful for me (lack of emotional connection) will probably never completely resolve.

Have the two of you read the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman? Figuring out you love languages (the words/actions that most strongly indicate love to each of you) can help you both communicate your love better.

And the crappiest thing about this mess I created was that it was only through his response to my affair I finally was able to understand the depth of his love for me.

OMG - same here for my former wayward. Talk about a blessing and a curse! It was the ultimate, profound statement of love and commitment for me to stay, and I joke that he might have given me a less severe test of my affection!

I've never been tested but I'm certain I'm high functioning aspergers. My teenage son has been diagnosed with aspergers and we speak the same language.

Here's the deal people with aspergers are smart and they can learn. Now will your husband morph into the romantic man with flowery words? No. There are books out there to help comminicate needs so an aspie can understand what you want. We are perfectionists but highly critical of ourselves. We know we are not normal but we do have feelings. We are just not great at expressing them.

I am at work and will have to write more at amother time. But, as a BH who has asperger's I wanted to add a few thoughts (maybe I need to start an aspiring thread in general).

Social skills do not come naturally for aspies. That is just part of the disability. But, social skills can be taught and leaned. My ex wife researched asperger's and blamed every marital problem on that diagnosis. And she implied that is why she had her affair because there was "no hope of having a normal marriage."

If you have a BH who has asperger's and is willing to reconcile and learn about the diagnosis,then embrace the opportunity. one good book to read is called An Asperger Marriage.

gotmylifeback, I am sorry to hear your ex blamed the marital problems on your aspergers. Honestly, before I finally looked at my own self and my own behaviors, I probably would have done the same. I am very good at being the "victim." I view it as both of us (my husband and I) needing to step up to the plate. I need to do my best to understand his limitations and the way in which he views the world, and he needs to be open to learning how to be more present emotionally. As isuck pointed out, it's not that he doesn't have feelings - he does, and really deep, intense ones. He is just so inward that they are not revealed to me most of the time. When he learned of my affair was the first time I really saw a glimpse in to the depth of his emotional world, but like I said before, it was absolutely awful because it took me causing great pain to finally see it. Pricklepatch, I think practicing reflective listening would be really helpful (for both of us!). And you are right; I need to learn to ask very specifically for what I want and need.

I was married at the age of 18 to a brilliant musician. My marriage was troubled from the start, as I was unable to deal with my husband's need for order and perfection, his paranoia, his tourette syndrome (I didn't know there was a name for it back then), his checking everything, his put-downs, emotional detachment, etc. I knew from the beginning of our marriage that there was something not right about him.

We had two children. My daughter was like every other kid, but my son was different from the start. However, he was so much like his father in nearly every way. He learned to play guitar, self-taught at a very early age and went on to be a jazz musician. He was difficult as a child, often in trouble at school.

I too, spent 12 years extremely lonely and feeling unloved. At the age of 30, I had an EA. This man was someone that my empty soul felt could communicate with and who told me all the things I wished my H could have said to me.

We ended up divorcing. My son grew up to be brilliant like his father in so many ways, but so difficult, so verbally abusive, obsessive compulsive, etc. He had been misdiagnosed by professionals most of his life, until recently, at my insistence, he finally saw an autism specialist and was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder with Savant features. He is not Aspergers, and she explained that his autism is not on the "mild side", that he has too many autistic characteristics. My son has a college degree from a tech college, graduated with highest honors and has a good-paying job and performs and records musically. But his life is a disaster, and has made so many poor choices. He has very poor social skills. He can't maintain a relationship, like his father... needy, latches onto a woman, controlling and verbally and emotionally abusive and unavailable.

My XH was extremely phobic of mental health professionals and refused to get any help his entire life, but I have no doubt in my mind that he was autistic also. He passed away last year. He convinced himself that no diagnosis meant there was "nothing wrong."

I relate so well to your loneliness and desperation being married to a person on the autism spectrum. I had limited boundaries and coping skills, and I suffered from lack of self-esteem. I blamed my XH for years for the way he treated me until I learned of the autism and now I understand. It was the way his brain was wired.

I know an awesome woman who recently married a very cool guy with Aspergers. They are an older couple, so she comes equipped with a lot of resources and maturity to deal with and understand her H and his quirkiness. When she feels like hitting him with her frying pan, she comes to me and we have a girl talk.

She said to me once, "I sometimes just can't figure him out!!" ... and I told her, "Nobody can. Just love him. You can do that!"