SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You let another person into your marriage and now you're letting your siblings in too? Put your siblings in their place and honour your spouse. They've overstepped IMO. Own your shit to them.

Yes I think this could hurt R. I also think this is going to hurt the relationships with your BS and your family.

Betrayed husband here. You husband should've been there for you for support. But excusing yourself for stepping into another mans arms because of it is worse. This letter would erraticate any hope of R for me. This is the epitome of kicking a man while he is down. Marriage is supposed to be you two vs the world. Not you and the world vs him. You desperately need to work on your entitlement because this letter is dripping with it. Sorry if I was too rough but that letter is nothing but throwing gas on your already burning marriage.

Good on you for posting in a place like this.

That said.... the following comment?

We will never forgive you choosing work over attending the funeral to support your wife. We were outraged. At us, at you. She should have divorced you. Before seeking out another man. But she did what she did.

Let me translate that into a BS reading this...

Dear Husband that I cheated on,

Please put aside all your pain and outrage that you incurred when I made conscious decision to have an affair, and instead realize my pain and hurt is the most important thing and you should be there for me even though I wasn't there for you.

BH here......

Just going to be honest if I read that during R I would be extremely hurt by this.

I am speechless. If I got a letter like that the writers would be people that i used to know.

Please note, the Stop Sign has been added. BS's are no longer allowed to post.

Trauerweide, as hurtful as that letter is going to be to your husband perhaps you should change your screen name to Gifteiche.

End of October 20012 Aunty is likely to have cancer.

December 1st: Cancer confirmed. Stage IV Death imminent

December 29th Aunty died

January 20013 3rd Funeral

January 15th SIL and Grandpa urge me to attend a Support Group

January 25-28th I go on dates with X. He is also Attendee of the Group.

January 28/29 X and I never went physical and decide to end the Affair.

January 29 I come clean. H. goes on a trip with his Brother

February 2nd I sign up for IC.

February 3rd I burn my Grief Book and come clean to my Family.

February 5th H and I decide to go the Route of Repair. We sign up for MC

February - June I delete E - mail. I quit Internet for lent. H. and I attend MC.

June I call a Family meeting. My Family apologises to H. and I.

December 2014 We, H. and I are certain of the R.

December 2015 H. feels poorly.

June 2015 H. feels a lump in my Breast. I cry a lot and he flips.

July 2015 No Cancer. I begin to live again

March 2017 My Grandfather´s damaged lung gets worse

H. (Leo) was calling his mother when I came home. I asked him about the letter. He told me that he did not open it because he fears it´s content. He confesses that he said some very damaging things to my Grandpa and his Children while I was fetching my SIL´s children from school.

Leo asks me to drive him to the hospital. He wants, no, needs to apologise. There I leave them alone and call a Family Meeting for the same day. Grandpa forgives my Husband and we leave the Hospital.

[This message edited by Trauerweide at 7:13 AM, March 19th (Sunday)]

My husband would be humiliated and enraged by this letter.

If you cheated, you cheated. Yes, it is true there are bad parts of the entire relationship but own the fact that you are the one who pushed the nuclear button.

Stop inviting your siblings and family into your relationship. Own up to your failure and work to make life better with an open, vulnerable heart knowing that means lots of pain while your partner works through your betrayal.

I'm certain that all of this was very difficult for you. The thing that finally clicked in my head was when I realized that despite all the shit I was going through, I could have made a different choice. Yes, I used affairs to soothe my pain, but that doesn't make it ok. I could have found a way to deal with all that hurt that didn't involve sneaking/lying/cheating - acting without integrity and destroying my family. I could have left the marriage, but instead I chose to use my body and AP's empty words about how amazing I was to make me feel special. It's so sad and I'm so glad that I am changing.

If you are looking for someone to say, "It's ok sweetie." You are in the wrong place. Just because you have a team of siblings on your side doesn't make it ok either.

May I ask, what kind of support are you seeking here?

What would you like assistance with?

I would like to know if my needs matter at all. I was so naive thinking my Husband would change, become an understanding person and try to become a help rather then a stumbling stone. He utterly failed. He left me alone with everything and had the gall to make insensitive and disrespectful remarks. I begged and pleaded that he please look into the books I got from the self help group, the books on supporting a morning spouse. He never did. But I gave him a chance to - each fucking day. Against the cautioning voice of my Family, and his family as well.

Until I broke and cheated. I needed to feel support he did not give. Someone who told me that putting someones grief down is wrong. Someone who was as appalled as I was when he selfishly put work before marriage - before a person.

Now I stay at the cliff again. And who refuses to put any kind of effort in? Who does not even try to understand where I am coming from? He. The Betrayed Spouse. He carries this label as a shield, a badge of honor. But I still love him. How sick is that?

I have grown. I have gained perspective and I forgave myself. I will forever hate what I did, my weakness. but I am done with wallowing in my guilt. I will look ahead. I will become better and better. Either he matches my efforts by simply attending a workshop on how a spouse can help a grieving partner or I will go.

[This message edited by Trauerweide at 9:50 AM, March 19th (Sunday)]

Here's the deal. I'm sure that your BH is not perfect. Sounds like he has issues as well. Ya'll have hurt each other, but you can only change you. Take BH out of your vocabulary. Focus on you and what you did wrong on what you can do to be better. Or keep blaming him. You can end this marriage and find a new one with someone who is better. The thing is eventually your issues and your faults will rise back up and you will have someone new to blame.

"Sounds like he has issues as well."

I so need him to acknowledge this. But he has not been able to acknowledge this yet.

"Focus on you and what you did wrong on what you can do to be better."

I show him each day that I love him, that he can trust me, I support him, hold him when he works through my betrayal. I hold him while he calls me names. I do countless other things to be the best Person possible.

I think it would be wise for you to read Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud. Just seems your family is way too involved in your marriage.

I get being hurt, angry. I had a miscarriage that my husband never acknowledged or comforted me thru. He turned his back on me and slammed the door. Literally. Took him seven years to finally realize that this was traumatic and painful for me. Took him seven years to acknowledge that the child we lost was ours. It was his loss too.

The letter your family wrote is very blame-y. It makes your husband responsible for your infidelity. That's not true. Sure he could have supported you better, but your choice to cheat was ultimately your own.

The only info we have on your marriage and your self work is what you tell us. Which, in the grand scheme of things, is very little. Maybe you have done the work. Maybe you are a better person. But your cheating and his lack of support in your loss are very seperate issues.

All you can do is ask for what you need. You cannot make him do anything. That's where your boundaries and the enforcement of them come in. You control you.

[This message edited by Aubrie at 10:25 AM, March 19th, 2017 (Sunday)]

The stop sign has been added and the thread is closed off to BS replies.

WS replies only.

Thank you.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:41 AM, March 19th (Sunday)]

So, this has been going on for 5years? Him never supporting you? Never doing anything to heal? What have you done to heal the betrayal? Did you read the books suggested here? Did you own your choices, I mean really own them? Not the bullshit written in the letter. That isn't owning. That is justifying and blameshifting. If what your siblings wrote rings any truth for you, then it isn't what is needed by a BS. If he isn't getting you cleaning that up. He isn't going to meet you for grief support. Maybe a stronger BS could, but he already wasn't strong and had issues. Why do you love this man? The one that laughed about your pain and grief? Why do you want to even reconcile? Since your affair, has it been this way for all these years? You focusing on him going to grief support classes? What exactly is his opinion about your grief? What exactly is the opinion your siblings have? That your affair was okay because he didn't want to or know how to deal with your grief and your pain? What is his experience with loss? If he hasn't been there for 5 years. Which if things are done right recovering from the trauma we cause our BS can take 2-maybe over 5; when do you draw the line on him not helping himself? How long have you been married and how long has your family been a part of him before the affair? Is your marriage at all separate from the rest of your family? It doesn't seem like anything is. Different culture? I just don't follow why everything is a family decision or meeting. It seems intrusive to me. But, I get part of it. My sister's abusive marriage became a family thing because she made it that way and we didn't want to see her in pain. In stead of solving anything on her own, arguments and what-not- everything was discussed with me, my parents, and even his parents. It was hard not to get involved when she came running to tell everyday.

Honestly, and this will most likely not be a popular opinion, some marriages are not “savable” not so much because of the infidelity, but the dynamic. I cheated and then busted my ass for two years doing everything that was asked of me. In the twenty years that followed I poured blood, sweat and tears into my marriage trying to be the best wife/person I could be. I never got so much as ¼ of that amount of effort in return. If things came to a head, he would “play nice” and go further underground because he understood I would not tolerate his behavior and leave. He would ultimately return to his old ways. He was the BS. Not every marriage can be saved if one partner is not willing to put the work into the relationship and frankly, some people can not change what they were born as (such as personality disorders).

Your truth is that this man may never in fact change and your choice then becomes stay or go. If you stay, you know you must maintain fidelity on all levels. I choose to leave rather then continue to subject myself to outrageous abuse that I could totally justify in the past. I deserve better treatment from myself.

You were grieving and your husband was not there for you, so you escaped into an affair. Why not another form of escape, like heroin or ________? If you had decided to become a drug addict, would your family blame your BH for that choice also? You had a choice here. You could have processed your pain in an emotionally healthy way, but YOU chose NOT to go that route. You could have worked through your marital issues, but you chose to escape your own life instead. Your affair has created a mess and you want to work on your BH's issues before your own? Again, If you had chosen heroin instead, would your BH's issues be the priority needing attention?

If we were a recovering addicts forum, nobody would tell you that your husband's neglect justified your use of heroin. See how ridiculous it is when you change the form of escape? An affair is never justifiable...never. You were in a bad situation and you made it way worse.

I'm sorry you lost your loved one and are now going through this.

Edit: typo.

[This message edited by NorthernGirl888 at 1:13 PM, March 23rd (Thursday)]