SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi,

I am completely new to this forum but I want to share my story in the hope that people in similar situations might be able to advise or at least give me a little insight….

I fucked up. I cheated on my husband of 6 months whilst studying abroad and repeatedly lied about it until he had to painfully tease out the whole truth. He almost immediately told all our friends and family about what I had done and now, 6 weeks since D-day, we have been trying and possibly failing to reconcile.

A bit of background on us... I am 22 years old and my hubby is 25. We have been together for years, he's the only man I've ever loved and is my childhood sweetheart. We got married last summer after both our families were insistent on making things legitimate so as not to be sinful. We were both in agreement and happy about this, we got married perhaps a year or two earlier than we'd have done ourselves but I didn't feel we were making a mistake. Having said that, being married at 21 brought on attention that I had not been prepared for. People were always shocked and would offend me by asking if it was an arranged marriage. I felt a bit isolated from my peers being a married woman so young and so, I would shy away from the topic of being married. Meanwhile my husband was proud to call me his wife..

I believe the tone was set when I told my first white lie whilst studying abroad, a friend had grabbed my hand whilst at dinner and exclaimed 'Omg are you engaged?!!' In that moment I chose not to correct her and sheepishly took on my new 'engaged' status. My hubby found out about this and was of course hurt that I had watered down the truth. I wasn't ashamed of HIM but I felt weird about being the youngest of my friends and the only one married.

Anyway, fast forward to the last few weeks of my time abroad. I made friends with a girl who was probably not the best influence on me. She knew I was 'engaged' and yet introduced me to her friends as though I was single. She encouraged me to cheat, helping me to rationalise by saying that I was young and it obviously didn't mean anything. I can’t blame anyone but myself for what happened but i really feel a bit facilitator in this was the bad company i chose to keep. Also the lifestyle i was leading, I fell into a hedonistic cycle of drugs and partying such that, i never felt the gravity of my consequences for long enough before I was intoxicated again continuing with my ‘fuck it, I’m young’ attitude. I ended up making friends with a frenchman and sleeping with him a number of times which my BS eventually found out about after I had returned back home and he had looked through messages on my phone (because he had been suspicious).

We have since continued living together in our flat and the dust has settled since the initial revelation of my affair. My BS has good days and bad days - some days he can’t stand me at all, getting annoyed at little things that once upon a time he would’ve found endearing. Other days (which is thankfully most of the time) we get along, we aren’t fighting and by and large we are able to continue living our day-to-day life. But i know just ‘getting along’ is nowhere near enough. My BS wants to get to the bottom of things and says he won’t take me back without doing so, he’s granted me until the end of June with him to try and fix things whilst still continuing to live together. After that we will most likely separate.

There are a couple things that are troubling him:

1. he read on my phone a message between myself and a close friend where she’d warned me about my behaviour and recounted a time when i had glibly told her that ‘i could see myself cheating.’ i remember the conversation but i feel in a text message it was taken out of context. firstly, this wasn’t a sober conversation we’d had. it was at the end of a long night out, i had been complaining about our sex life. i felt unsatisfied (i’ve never been able to orgasm) and i felt obliged to have sex with my BS every night, despite not necessarily wanting to. I’ve since told him this and i think he thinks I’m using sex as a cop out.

2. he also read messages between myself and my best friend when i had told her about what i had done and that ‘i didn’t feel bad’. its true, i didn’t initially feel bad. i’d sent this message whilst still abroad and getting off from the excitement of this new relationship i’d formed. it’s sickening really, i don’t know how or why i didn’t feel anything immediately. i wasn’t initially ashamed like i should have been…i think it took time to slowly sink in but the obvious lack of remorse i show in that particular message has seriously hurt my BS and questioned whether i have any true love for him

I don’t think this is simply just a case of we got married too young because i still love my BS dearly and i want more than anything to make it work with him. i feel exhausted and helpless at this point though. i feel like we have reached a bit of a stalemate especially because i can’t seem to get to the crux of why i did what i did, the answers i have already given haven’t satisfied my BS. he believes I’m holding back, that there were issues in our relationship i didn’t make him aware of…but he was a near perfect husband to me, he put me on a pedestal and i took him for granted.

what can i do to make this better? how can i make it easier for him? he has full transparency to my life now and i have been being truthful, cut all ties with the affair partner and also the bad company i’d made whilst abroad.

Apologies if I’m rambled here…am emotionally and drowsily typing this all out right now. thanks in advance for any responses

You can get tested for stds.

Get into ic.

Tell your husband the complete truth. Anything less would cause him more pain.

Take full responsibility. Do not blame your age,etc.

Read how to survive an affair

Transparency with social media.

No contact with people who are not a friend of the marriage. Girl who encouraged u to cheat

Work on boundaries with men, but everyone.

When it comes down to it, there really is no 'why' other than you did it bc you were selfish and you wanted to.

If your H has set a June time limit on making things right, there's not much hope. It takes years to work thru this. All I can tell you is not to lie to him, and work your ass off showing him what he means to you. Actions > words.

If I'm reading this right in your husband's eyes he's never been enough.

From the engaged thing to the cheating to the lack of remorse/guilt initially while doing it, to the I could see myself cheating *no matter what the context because the statement speaks for itself* There's the version you present to him which is fine then there's you when you're away from him, telling your friends you're not really married, allowing another man repeatedly in your bed.

Your whys seem to be blaming other people for cheating, your friend wasn't with you when you lied about being married.

The most hurtful but truthful why is maybe because you wanted to because you repeatedly went back to the well and had you stayed abroad probably would have continued to cheat.

Truth hurts but ultimately it may heal,should you BS choose to stay.

Stop signs are important especially at this stage. It is much easier to hear about our character flaws/bad behavior from those who have the same flaws and have engaged in the same bad behavior.

First of all I had to accept responsibility. My infidelity had nothing to do with BH's behavior, my stressful job, my high-maintenance kids. It was because I made a bad choice. Your infidelity is not due to your friends, drugs/alcohol, or sex with BH. You had other, better choices available to work on your difficulties, but you didn't go that route. You chose to sacrifice your integrity and BH's heart and be unfaithful.

I had to figure out why I did this. Why did I want men to want me? Why did I need to have someone telling me how amazing I was? Because I didn't feel like I was enough. I felt like I was nothing unless a man was telling me otherwise. Why is the approval of friends so important to you? So what if you are the youngest of your friends who is married? What does that mean if you are different from the crowd? Why is fitting in so important.

Just a little FYI. This has very little to do with age. It does have to do with maturity, but maturity doesn't automatically come with age. I was just as immature at 37 as you are at 21. It is about taking a long hard look at yourself, seeing the defects, and working to improve.

Welcome. So sorry you find yourself here. Keep posting and reading. Get into IC. Start reading books. You can do it.

Hi Jenny101. Welcome to SI. It's good that you put yourself out there and are looking for help. Note that what you may hear may seem harsh, and when it does seem harsh take note as there is probably something to it.

First, I agree with the others. You are doing a lot of blame shifting rather than looking at yourself when it comes to why.

When it comes down to it, there really is no 'why' other than you did it bc you were selfish and you wanted to.

This is very true. It can be argued that every A is born out of selfishness. But I could also argue that every A is also born out or bad boundaries. Your boundaries are terrible and almost non existent. Why? Rhetorical question. There's a why you need to look into. Drugs, excitement/adrenaline, being self absorbed, these are things that can lead to break down in boundaries. Do you see where you didn't have any boundaries regarding your M? How about starting with talking about your M with "friends" rather than with your BH? Again these are all questions that you shouldn't have an answer to right away but need to look into and dig deep into yourself to figure out why. Notice that none of these questions have anything to do with your BH but are a look into your own character. Not so called "friends", not drugs, not excitement, not your BH, but rather look into you and figure out why those outside factors were able to influence you. Where are your boundaries?

Take a look at the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. She does go into boundaries and the slippery slope. She uses windows and doors as analogies. Your discussing your M or lack of boundaries to protect your M is just one of the boundary topics but in my humble opinion you are textbook in this area. (shameless plug for SI for anyone who may be reading as I haven't done this in a while - any books that ordered through the amazon link on the left, SI gets a tiny donation from amounts on books that are ordered through that link).

Jenny 101 you are not a safe partner. That is what your BH sees. Your especially not safe for yourself. You need boundaries. What else? What else have you been showing to your BH that you are working on yourself? You need to lead in this area. Be proactive. There are many things that you can do. IC, reading books and articles that will help you identify your issues and more importantly give you coping mechanisms so that you can make better decisions for yourself. What about immediate tangibles such as getting tested for STDs without being asked? Asking your BH what his needs are as far as you checking in with him, he might not know, and that's ok. If he doesn't know you start to do things that could help such as taking pictures of where you are when you are away from him, activating a GPS on your phone so that he can see where you are, leaving your phone out for him to check without being asked, etc. These are little things that can be done to help rebuild trust. Most importantly these are actions that you can show in an effort to become a more authentic person.

No more lies!! Anything that you have not gotten out get out now. Asap. Lies and TT (trickle truth) are more of a marriage killer than anything else. If there is anything you have not revealed yet, don't even think about trying to control the outcome and get it out now. It comes out later and it will set everything back to zero or most of the time even worse. Changing your habits of lying and being more authentic in general is tough to do but a necessary thing in order to show that you are reconciliation material if your BH chooses to go that route. He still could change his mind as he is on the roller coaster. Each day he is with you is a blessing so get your shit together and start to show these things as actions speak louder than words.

What else can you do? Write a detailed timeline of the affair if you haven't already. This will help establish several things including a reference point for him to refer to when you discuss the A in the future. Create two copies. 1 with just the basics of who, what, where, and when. The second fill in with more of the graphic details. Your BH gets to decide which one he wants or both.

What about an NC (no contact) letter? Yo usaid you cut all contact with your AP which is good. Did your BH get to play a part in this? Did you send a NC letter/message together? This gives your BH some say as well as it lets your AP know that your BH knows about him.

I'm sure that there are probably a few more things that you need to dig into yourself as far as your whys. Poor coping mechanisms, anything in your FOO (family of origin) that says having an A is ok, how can you compartmentalize your husband so easily to carry out the A, etc. These are all things that need to be explored in IC. Then discussing with your BH as you go (if he allows) that you have identified issues as you find them and what mechanisms/tools you have come up so that you are able to correct your behavior in the future. For example, my own story has a lot of complexity to it. But I have learned that I have a ton of FOO issues. I lived in a place of fear as a child which turned into a place of anger in my teens. I have been diagnosed with complex PTSD. My behavior and decisions were being made from a place of anger. I was taking that anger out on my family at one point. I have been in IC for 3 years so that I have processed through a lot of that anger but more importantly I have coping mechanisms in place and even breathing tools that I can use to stop my behavior before it even takes place. I have also learned to set up boundaries for myself and cut out all of my toxic relationships which included my mother and one of my best friends. These are all things that I have discussed at the dinner table with my wife and kids as I have progressed over the years. These are all things that you can do with your BH and continue to do moving forward in an effort to show that you are a safe person.

Notice up to this point it's been centered on what you issues are. That should be your primary focus. Once you start to get those whys and working on issues with yourself, you can then later work on any marital issues that you guys may have been having. But first you have to work through the affair issues and that is all on you. If your M can be recovered, then you can work on other stuff later.

Those things that you write about that are troubling him can be worked through as you dig into your whys. When you start to work on yourself, I mean really work and do heavy lifting emotionally and mentally, you will find that your perceptions are going to change as things become more clear to you. You will better be able to articulate your thoughts and feelings to your BH and why your thinking before was so wrong. It will take a lot of work to get to that place but it start with you and working on yourself.

God luck Jenny101. You can do this.

Hopefully there will be others with better advice than I had that will come along.

yop

eta - fixed quote

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 9:36 AM, March 26th (Sunday)]

You have to stop being so wordy. You did it all, period. Stop the facilitator and the drugs/alcohol and partying.

I don't think you are admitting some things to yourself. Look closely at your feelings before you ever cheated. You have written one small post, but this specifically, that you were embarrassed to be married, I believe you, but that rings wrong for a truly happy married person. I have seen many marriages, not being wanting to openly admit it is not how a happy marriage feels.

My point, it doesn't seem you were happy to be married, based on feeling embarrassed to admit it.

Also, and this could be about you or not, but you seem a little too worried - really a whole lot too worried - about what your so-called "friends" thought about your marital status. Why the heck would you care what these people - who you will never see again after this studying abroad - think about you - whether it be your marital status, you weight, your family, etc.?

Being overly influenced by peer pressure is a real problem in your life, not just marital problems.

As far as fixing your marriage after the affairs you've had - this is an extremely long process - 2-5 years. You have been married for six months and how much of it has been in secrecy and lies? And how soon do you think your husband should be over it?

What do you think your husband should do to get over it? Do you think he should leave you? If it was reversed, what would you do? What would an emotionally healthy person do?

You can go read in other forums here, in the just found out forum, and you can read about this a little. There are books you can read.

It starts though with cutting out all of the friends YOU CHOSE to be with and why you thought your marriage was not as important as what those friends thought of you.

You have to accept responsibility for your own actions. Leave the other people out of it.

My only advice is to make sure you get some really big life lessons out of this.

You've probably lost your marriage. But you are very young with a long life ahead of you.

If this becomes a growing experience, you will a much better partner going forward.

Best wishes to you.

We got married last summer after both our families were insistent on making things legitimate

Take responsibility for your own actions.

People were always shocked and would offend me by asking if it was an arranged marriage.

Sounds like people who are very intrusive and RUDE. Why be defensive about people like this? How do you handle rude people who are intrusive in your life? (Even your family? Even if your family wants the best for you, there comes a time (i.e., now is the time) when your family should advise rather than be "insistent" or you have to be able to handle yourself in dealing with them.)

a friend had grabbed my hand whilst at dinner and exclaimed 'Omg are you engaged?!!' In that moment I chose not to correct her and sheepishly took on my new 'engaged' status.

Sheepishly: (adverb) in an embarrassed manner due to shame or a lack of self-confidence.

Your feelings are your feelings. I will not tell you they are "wrong" if you feel them. But I will say that being embarrassed of being married, feeling shame of it, I think it's wrong to stay married if you feel that way. Or even get married to begin with is wrong if you are embarrassed of it or feel shameful.

The lack of self confidence is obvious - you can't stand up to this so-called "friend" (can't be too good of a friend if she didn't even know you were married or not). The lack of self-confidence are real problems in your life, not just your marriage.

From your point of view, why will this change in the future? Was your husband more on board with marrying now rather than later?

You mention the word "sinful," so I assume you have some religiousness in your life. My faith mentions of "therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh" and "so they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate."

Maybe this marriage was not the right thing for you, given how you felt about it. Maybe you are holding on to the marriage for the wrong reasons. Not wanting to hurt your husband. Not wanting to be the "bad" guy. I have been in a few relationships, and breaking up hurts the one who wants to stay in the relationship. I think the one who breaks up frequently are thought of as the "bad" one who ended it. But the truth is it is more hurtful to stay in a relationship when you don't truly want that relationship.

You have to think if you truly want this marriage or if you are holding onto the past and what is comfortable and maybe even from your point of view easier.

Don't discount that when you were away from your husband, you wanted to be with another man.

How you went about it was wrong, but understand your feelings and why that was. I really think it is deeper than just you felt embarrassed to be too young to be married in that group of friends.

What do you think?

6 months into marriage and you have had sex with another man, multiple times. Frankly this does not bode well for the long term prospects of your marriage.

I agree with wk55hn, marriage may not be your cup of tea.

Lots of people study abroad, drink too much, party too much. But they do not lie about being married and cheat on their spouse, repeatedly. It sounds like you went and had your fun. Now you want to return to the emotionally safe husband that you still "love dearly". But if you really loved him that dearly, if you were really into being married, you would not have done what you did.

This points to your state of mind. Not just your state of mind abroad. Its Your mindset about your husband that is the issue. He is the "safe" emotionally reliable beta male you want to have at home, working hard and helping raise your future children. But what you really crave, as evidenced by what you did once your husband was out of sight, is to be free to do what you want with whom ever you like. To be the free wheeling party girl that you never had the chance to be before. And wanting to be the party girl is your business. But once you are married it's no longer just about you.

I would suggest you be really honest with yourself. Admit what you REALLY want. Not what you should want. Once you come to terms with that you may find that letting your husband go to find someone who will love and respect him the way he deserves is the best course of action.

[This message edited by ramius at 8:49 PM, March 26th (Sunday)]