SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife and I have been married for 8 years. I recently discovered she had been cheating on me since approximately Feb/Mar of 2016. I wanted to reconcile (and still do) with my wife because I love her and for my children.

For about 2 weeks, we were trying, and then she abruptly moved out one Friday night. She got an apartment and left our 2 boys with me for the weekend.

The night she confessed, she took ownership of all her actions. She really seem to understand and accept what she had done and wanted to make things work. I'm talking about how she was treating the boys and stuff that happened between us. I had real hope.

But, as soon as she moved out, she turned back into this woman that I don't know. It's like she is possessed.

For most of our marriage, we had a great to good marriage. On our 5th year anniversary, she posted on Facebook that she married her perfect match and that I'm an amazing husband and father. She said things (and did things) like that consistently up through early 2016. In the winter of 2015, we had a great anniversary trip that she planned. And, even in Jan 2016, she planned something for my birthday and gave me a card saying I was the greatest husband, father and son-in-law one could have.

It's not just that. In early 2016, we still had a passionate relationship. We hugged and kissed a lot. Kissed and said I love you before we left each other. Held each other every night while sleeping and so on. We were intimate regularly.

Some of the things I did for my wife because I wanted to make her happy. In 2013, I moved away from my home where I had spent all my life so my wife could live in the South which was her dream. I agreed to let her mom live with us and support her for the rest of her life (mom is from a foreign country and will depend on her/us most likely for the rest of her life). Her mom got sick and I took her to a lot of her appointments.

A little background on my wife. Her father was a very abusive narcissist. He physically beat her mother, step-mother and brother. Not only that, he convinced her brother that it was good that he beat him. Her brother believes that is how you raise children. He never beat my wife but he emotionally abused her. Treated her like she was a worthless person and manipulated her constantly. She was the more successful and better kid, but her brother was treated like he was a king. If you ask her father, he is the best dad in the world. And, if she were to say anything bad about him, he would turn it around on her and make her feel like a horrible person for lying about him.

She was also raised by her mom for a while, but her mom has issues as well. Just one example with her... My wife had to have her appendix taken out. When she finally got home from the hospital, her mom got mad at her because she didn't greet her mom well enough. Mind you my wife was in a lot of pain and just wanted to lay down in her bed upstairs. They didn't talk for 3 days or so. Her mom in many ways is emotionally a child.

So, I say all of this because I believe my wife doesn't love herself and she has some deep emotional issues. I believe she needs to use people to constantly make her feel good. I did that for most of our marriage, but once I couldn’t do it anymore because of circumstances that I will address below.

I'm not saying I am perfect or anything. In fact, I know I wasn’t there for her like she needed because I got depressed and afraid because I was so worried about my family’s future. It started in 2014 when I began working on getting my business which kind of consumed me. And, then in April of 2015, the business started and I was out of town all week pretty much every week. Plus, when I got home, I was focused on the business because it was having problems. It was my family's future so I was consumed by making sure it didn't fail for my family. During this time, I know I wasn’t the greatest or happiest person to be around. But to me, marriages go through that and I hoped my wife would be there for me when I needed her.

Now, in 6 months or so of 2016, our marriage essentially crashed and burned. Again, in early 2016, things were good but had some stress because of the situation and I wasn’t around much nor was I focused on my wife. She started her affair because I wasn’t there to give her the constant attention, affection and approval she needed. So, as the summer and fall rolled around, our relationship essentially ended.

Looking back, now I understand why things fell apart so suddenly although I couldn’t understand it at the time. The poison of adultery destroyed our relationship. And, I will admit it was a bad summer. She became a different person. She cut me off and we fought a lot. And, we had some bad fights. Again, it was like I was talking to another person who wasn’t living in reality. The environment was toxic and it was just bad between us. It was a terrible time and there was a lot of anger and resentment on both of our parts. During the 6 months our marriage failed, I couldn't understand what was going on. I couldn't talk to her. Again, it was like dealing with an addict or something. And, there was definitley alot of bad blood from that time.

But, if you talk to my wife now. She will say our marriage was always horrible. Everything is my fault. She will say I'm controlling even though she had an affair right under my nose for a year and I had no clue. I trusted my wife completely and wanted her to have friends and do whatever she wanted. Although, she doesn't really have close friends.

Right now, it seems like she has created this new reality in her head to justify her actions. She has lied for a year straight and now it’s just her normal. Almost like she doesn’t even know that what she is saying isn’t true. I feel like she must live in this fantasy world so that she doesn’t have to accept what she has done because that would truly break her. In fact, I feel like she has done to me what her father did to her mother and even to her. She has done these bad things, but now has turned it around on me and made me the monster. If I say anything about the pain and suffering she is causing, it’s like I’m horrible for even saying it. She has no remorse, guilt or anything.

And, she is destroying her kids' lives. To them, their lives were perfect. Not to mention, the man she is having an affair with (and whom she wants to pursue a life with) has 3 young children and a wife who doesn't work. She is destroying the lives of 5 kids and doesn't believe she is hurting anyone but me.

It is so hard. I’m fighting to at least get temporary custody of the kids. I forgot to mention that during the affair she convinced me to build her dream home. We had only lived in the home for 2 months before she moved out. Now, I’m just trying to keep my kids’ lives as normal as possible. Also, trying to give them the kind of childhood they deserve.

We use to live in a townhome where they couldn’t really go out and play. Our new home is on a cul-de-sac and they have friends and they can go outside and play. I work from home some I can be here with them. And, the more I see the more I know in my heart that they need to be here so that they can be kids and begin to gain their freedom and independence. Also, I’m hoping that once she realizes the consequences of her actions, she might hit rock bottom and wake up. To me, she is like an addict that needs an intervention.

Oh yeah... This isn't the first relationship that ended like this. Her other long-term relationship (non-marriage) ended roughly the same way. She met a guy at work and "fell" for him. She actually lost some of her friends over it.

But, the one thing that happened is this situation has brought me to Jesus Christ for the first time in my life. Never thought I would, but it did. And, I believe 2016 was God’s plan for me to change me and bring me to him.

I don’t know.. I feel crazy at times. I just would never ever do this to her or the kids. All I want I the best for my boys..

Sorry for being so long….

[This message edited by br549 at 1:00 PM, June 20th (Tuesday)]

What you are describing about your wife is very typical.

They will do a marital rewrite and blame you for everything. They are in a "fog" where everything is great with their AP and everything was crap with their SO.

This is text book cheater behavior.

You need a plan. Lawyer, STD test, get her served, out the affair. TELL THE OBS (other betrayed spouse) if there is one.

The best thing you can do is detach. Do the 180. Be the best person you can be. Be the best dad you can be.

Document everything.

There is a lot to talk about here, and I'm sure we'll all get to it on this thread today. But I have a few questions.

1) Do you think your wife is gone never to return? 2)Is she living with OM?

3)Are the two of you still talking about relationship stuff?

3)Is there talk of reconciliation?

4)Do you understand what the 180 is?

5)Do you understand what the "pick-me dance" is?

6)Are you aware that if she moved out "abruptly" in the middle of "reconciliation" that she is 99.9% likely to still be involved with this man?

7) HAVE YOU TOLD THE OTHER BETRAYED SPOUSE? (Keep in mind that if you know about the affair, and she does not, you're actively participating in her betrayal. You need to make sure she's aware of everything.)

It would probably help for you to answer all of these questions. Glad you found us. Keep posting.

I want to reconcile for my kids and family.

If I were to tell the other spouse, wouldn't that make it easier for them to be together??

Funny thing is... It happened mostly while we lived in NC and in NC you can sue for "alienation of affection"...

I just want my old/normal wife back... maybe this is really her? Maybe everything in her life is fake...

I just can't believe it... I can't believe she thinks she has done nothing wrong and hasn't hurt the kids!!!

That makes me sick! HOW can she choose some other guy over her kids?????? How can you be ok with giving up 50% of your time with the kids so you can be with another man 100% of the time??? Disgusts me!! Yet, when she talks to the kids... it's like she is the most loving mother in the world. Now, she is going to school to eat lunch with them all of the time...

I just want my old wife back and the good mother back!!!

[This message edited by br549 at 1:05 PM, June 20th (Tuesday)]

If I were to tell the other spouse, wouldn't that make it easier for them to be together??

Nope. More than likely it will make the OM completely throw your wife under the bus to try to save his *own* marriage.

Or not. Either way, you'll know where you stand.

If you're not telling the OBS because you're clinging to this current version of your wife, you're basically accepting being a cuckold and demeaning yourself. You'll regret it big time.

You really want to save this marriage? You're not going to do that the way you're going now. Give up on your wife. You don't want to be married to this version of her, trust me. And the "old" one is gone and dead, too. Forget about her.

There is a chance to reconcile with a *new* version of your wife (and yourself). It's hard and it's not a guarantee.

The first requirement is that you begin implementing the 180 immediately. Go to this link, read it, and start doing it. Try not to think too hard, just DO IT. http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

Get the divorce papers. Start filling them out.

Realize that right now, you are making your wife a priority and she is making you an option, or even something less than that. She's doing this because you're giving her the impression that she *can* do this.

Tell the other BS. Then tell your wife that you'd prefer to reconcile, but if you're just an option (or not an option) for her, then you need to move forward in the best interest of yourself and your kids. If she decides to come back, and you decide to let her, great. But understand that she may not. Either way you'll be moving yourself out of infidelity.

You don't want to be a cuckold. You don't want to stay married but share your wife with other men. You don't. You don't.

Right now, you want to GET OUT OF INFIDELITY. So you need to take action now.

[This message edited by Okokok at 11:17 AM, March 30th (Thursday)]

br549:

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is NOT your fault. If there were problems in the marriage, those could have been dealt with in MC (marriage counseling). She could have done IC (individual counseling)and she could have asked you to do the same. She didn't. She chose to lie and cheat. You do not deserve this pain, and your children do not deserve this.

You WW is in the fog. You need to blow this into the open. Tell the OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse) and her mother and family. Affairs need secrecy so don't let them have any. You are trying to get out of infidelity. She doesn't get to call all the shots. You do. See an attorney, and file. You don't have to go through with the divorce if she comes out of the fog and agrees to do everything you require for her to become a safe partner. Get tested for STD's. It is amazing how common it is for waywards to not use condoms. Gross really. Your WW is rewriting history because she wants to be the victim and not face the POS she has been acting like. I'm so sorry. I know how that hurts.

Look up at the corner of this page and there is a little yellow box. Click on The Healing Library and start to read. There is so much information there. Implement the 180 immediately. Also, are you in IC? That is really where you want to start to get yourself to a healthy place. Make an appointment with your doctor if you are having trouble sleeping or feel depressed.

What you are going through is living hell. I know. Take care of those kids, but mostly make sure that you take care of you.

Where is MIL? Is she still living with you or did she go with WW? If it were me, I would make WW take her. She doesn't get to galavant around with OM while you take care of everyone.

No matter what, remember that you will survive this and you will be ok.

[This message edited by stunnedandlost at 11:28 AM, March 30th (Thursday)]

How do you tell?

I'm also worried about the custody battle. If I tell the other spouse, does it look bad in court? I'm so worried about not getting at least temp custody.

I have every intention of fighting for full custody of my children.

I believe they deserve to be with a parent who would never do this to them. Who would never destroy their lives. Who would sacrifice anything for them. Someone who actually would choose them over some other person!!

I don't think my wife loves... I think she uses like an addict!

She acts soooo sweet around them but it's because she doesn't want them to not give her what she needs!!

YET... SHE DID THIS TO OUR FAMILY AND ACTUALLY BELIEVES SHE DIDN'T HURT THE KIDS OR DO ANYTHING TO THE KIDS!!!

[This message edited by br549 at 11:29 AM, March 30th (Thursday)]

Also... She has lied to the kids about her moving out.

She told them it's just temporary. I have a business out of state and I have an apartment there. I use it when I go to the business. The kids know about it because the family has visited and stayed there.

She said what she is doing is the same thing.

I talk to my older boy alot. He asks me why mommy moved out. I tell him it's adult stuff. She made up some BS story. But, he keeps saying it's temporary.

I'm really starting to think I should tell them the truth. That's it's not temporary.

Also, I think I need to get all of her crap out of the house especially all of the junk from where she works. I hate that place. We moved down her for that job and now it ruined my life!!!!

I have been thinking that I need to start acting like it is done so she can't hide anymore.

I've thought about reaching out to some of her family/friends to tell them the truth about what is going on. They will be horrified!

I just can't believe she is doing this to her kids and me!!!

[This message edited by br549 at 1:08 PM, June 20th (Tuesday)]

My personal experience here and also that of a lot of others. I wasn't getting my WW to stop the A and she was convinced that the OM was days from leaving his wife and they would go away together. I finally called the OBS and 2 things happened. The OM called me immediately and threatened me which was funny and then he called my wife and ended it with her.

Also are you saying that your wife moved out but left her mother with you? Man I would start by telling her that Mom has to come to the love nest. I would not keep the MIL in my house. Do you have an attorney? Your wife has abandoned the family I think an attorney can help you here to use this to your advantage for custody.

How do you tell?

You find out her phone number and you call her. Call her at work if you have to. In the gentlest way possible, you explain to her who you are and who your wife is, that you have learned that your wife and her husband have been having an affair for ___ amount of time, and what you know they have done (sex, hotel rooms, whatever the facts are). And you go from there.

You do this over the phone because you don't want her horrible husband to intercept a text or email or facebook message and keep it from her.

I'm also worried about the custody battle.

Remember that filing for divorce is not *getting* a divorce. The process will take time and can be stopped anytime. But it's about the most effective wake up call there is for a WS.

And by the way, if you're afraid of the custody battle or anything else, why not just let your wife have a boyfriend for a while and do nothing?

Guessing you don't want to do that. Yeah, it's scary, I get it. There *might* be a custody battle or any number of other shitty things. Start preparing for that.

I've thought about reaching out to some of her family/friends to tell them the truth about what is going on.

Go for it. And your wife and her boyfriend work together, too? Maybe that's something to report to HR at their company? Even better: is one of them a superior to the other?

If your goal is to end the affair, there is nothing better than exposure. Friends, family, work, and especially the other betrayed spouse. Not a crazy person's rant on Facebook...just well-thought-out, calm phone calls to friends and supporters of your marriage. If you want to try to reconcile, tell them what's happening -- all the details -- and (if appropriate) that you'd like help saving your marriage.

Also are you saying that your wife moved out but left her mother with you?

Hell No... I wouldn't put up with that sh#t

I personally would hold off on telling HR until after the D is final. If she is unemployed, that could be very bad for you financially.

As far as exposing to the OBS, definitely call at work, or email to work. All of my attempts to do this were thwarted, because I told him I would be doing it, and she intercepted them. Plus, they concocted a story about how I was a crazy lunatic.

1) Do you think your wife is gone never to return? 2)Is she living with OM?

As of now, she has no intention of reconciling. No, she is not living with him. She is living in apartment she got. He has 3 kids and a wife that doesnt' work.

3)Are the two of you still talking about relationship stuff?

Is there talk of reconciliation?

Not any more. She doesn't want to talk to me other than the kids. At first, I was pounding her about how she could do this to the kids and family and stuff. I've mellowed recently.

4)Do you understand what the 180 is?

I read it. Basically, sounds like I just need to cut ties. Move on. This is where I think I need to tell my kids that this is permanent for mommy. That I need to get her stuff out. And, I need to tell her family and friends. Maybe change my status on facebook to "Separated"...

My concern about some things is our legal battle. We both have attorney's and I feel like everything I do is under a microscope. She filed paperwork although get this... She lied about how long we have lived in the state. We recently moved to a new state. Only been here for 2 months and she said she had lived here for over a year. Crazy!!

5)Do you understand what the "pick-me dance" is?

No, but I would guess it's trying to win her back...

6)Are you aware that if she moved out "abruptly" in the middle of "reconciliation" that she is 99.9% likely to still be involved with this man?

Yes... But when she confessed she told me the affair was going nowhere because he wasn't leaving his wife and 3 kids. But, she told someone that she plans on pursuing things with him which is why she is doing this.

7) HAVE YOU TOLD THE OTHER BETRAYED SPOUSE? (Keep in mind that if you know about the affair, and she does not, you're actively participating in her betrayal. You need to make sure she's aware of everything.)

No. But I have worries that I mentioned below. Another one is ... Will this make me look bad to a judge who will be deciding temporary custody of my children. We will need to get temp custody established and I want to get it. So, I'm worried about doing stuff like this.

Hi - sorry that you had to find us. Collectively we have seen a LOT of infidelity and we can give you recommendations which will be of tremendous help to you. However, it is imperative that you understand that our advice is not meant, necessarily, to save your marriage. It is geared toward getting YOU out of infidelity. If your wife gets her head out of her ass and wants to come along for the ride, and if YOU decide you're willing to accept that, then great. If not, you continue your journey without her. At the end of the day there ARE worse things than losing your marriage - for example, staying with an unremorseful, cheating wife.

First things first - an earlier poster called your wife "typical." Well, in some ways. However, I am going to point out that your wife did something very UNTYPICAL - she walked out on her children. Women don't typically do that. That is NOT a good sign and points to a woman who has something seriously wrong with her. We're not here to diagnose - and neither are you. But you need to think long and hard about any potential reconciliation with a woman who is willing to leave her kids.

Anyway - things to do: Get yourself to an attorney. Understand your rights and your responsibilities. You may want full custody but that may not be reality in your state. You might think that paying alimony is bullshit when she up and left you... but you might not have a choice. Knowledge is power and will go a long way to settling your head.

She has moved out. So understand and implement the 180 (top left corner of this page in the Healing Library). You do not owe her conversation. You owe her to answer specific questions about your children and potentially about finances/divorce. That's it. Implementing the 180 gives you distance to heal and begin focusing on yourself - it's not to piss her off or to be used as a tool to "get her back." Detach and begin the process of getting yourself out of infidelity. Do not engage with her until/unless she proves that she is sincere in making an effort to fix herself.

Along those lines - are you still supporting her? Paying her gas bill? Her phone bill? Credit cards? Stop. You do not need to be paying her to screw someone else.

I know that you love her... but, please... do not beg her. The "pick me" dance is humiliating and it does NOT work. There is nothing less enticing than a man who is begging a woman to stay. Be strong and let her come to you. If she doesn't - then you keep moving on. Plus, begging her now will only lead to you hating yourself 5 years from now - whether she returns or goes.

Lastly, for the love of everything holy, get in touch with the guy's wife. There are a million reasons why this is the right thing to do but, at the end of the day, the most important is - wouldn't you want HER to have told YOU??? Of course you would. To your specific point, if you tell the OBS and she divorces the guy - maybe your wife DOES go to him. You know what? She would have gone already because you've already lost her. At least you'll know and be able to head down that path out of infidelity. However, our collective wisdom clearly shows that, far more typically, the guy will look to save his own ass by throwing your wife under the bus.

Warning: It is THEN that you need to be careful. THAT is when your wife will come home to you, sniveling and crying like a forlorn woman. It is THEN that you will have decisions to make that must be objective - not made with your heart. We can help guide you if/when that occurs.

In the meantime, be strong and begin the process of protecting yourself and your kids. Move out of infidelity - with or without your wife.

Good luck.

My deepest sympathies to you and your boys for the situation your wife has left the family in. Betrayal is very much akin to suffering a death and the subsequent stages of grief that come with death. The truth of the matter is you are in the denial stage. You can't comprehend the level of malice involved from someone you trusted so completely with everything. That is why this kind of betrayal runs so deep and to the core of what we feel we are as human beings. It is an existential dilemma you are faced with. You have reevaluated who you are, who she is, and what is ultimately in store for your family. That is healthy and says you are thinking rationally. Now for the sobering part. Your wife isn't who you thought she was, or better put, is no longer who she once was. Yes, she is under the fog of the affair. She's been caught, she knows you're aware of the OM and she knows the other woman is in the dark. She's living in a fantasy world with another married man. Burst the bubble with the other BS. She has to know ASAP. You should not think that would make it easier for the OM to be with your WW. It is in fact that opposite that almost always occurs. They dump the cheating spouse and go back to their married life as the societal pressure and financial burden, along with the reality check brings the situation to a halt. You've had your road to Damascus moment. Jesus has made himself present in your life. Jesus would not want you to condone sin in any manner. You must inform the other BS. Once that situation has run its natural course, your WW will be faced with a much different reality. You will quickly see her intent with the OM removed from the picture. Sadly, the odds are not on your side. She could come back, beg for forgiveness, and have her own epiphany with Christ, but from everything you've described, it is unlikely. I'm not a psychologist, but your wife seems to be a textbook narcissist. If she is not the center of attention, she seeks to make herself the center of attention with another man. She is selfish, and that is not a good characteristic for loving relationship. Don't let your newfound faith make you naive to the evil that she is inflicting upon you and your boys life. My DD was Christmas 2015 and subsequent DD's followed. My wife left for a week to her mother's home to continue her affair with OM. She did come back, but it has been a living hell since, with few bright spots in between. So in the event your wife does return, it will be a long, tough road to R. You want to be your wife's savior and rescue her from this situation, but she can only save herself. You can help her by informing the other BS, regardless of your expectation of R, as you are helping another BS. You've done right by your kids, continue on this path, and you will find that God places the right woman in your path much sooner than you may expect.

Sorry, our posts crossed.

I didn't see your current state.

She has already lawyered-up???? Oh man - blow this shit up and out of the water.

Tell EVERYONE. And I mean, EVERYONE. Especially his wife.

If your wife is already this far gone there is no way I wouldn't be pressing the nuclear option.

And, no, telling his wife won't do a thing to your prospects in court.

Exposing to the other wife will absolutely not look bad. It's completely legal and absolutely ethical.

I mean it's likely that you're going to have him served for alienation of affection. Ignoring all the other reasons for doing so, don't you think it would be the gracious thing to let her know that her life is about to get upended?

Telling the OBS will have no bearing on your divorce...your wife's leaving may though.

Document when she left, tell the children the truth, as well as her mother.

If her mother is living with you, who has legal control over her mother's affairs?

She filed paperwork although get this... She lied about how long we have lived in the state. We recently moved to a new state. Only been here for 2 months and she said she had lived here for over a year. Crazy!!

I wouldn't worry about what she files, just make sure that you have accurate documentation and can refute any fictitious info.

I would also file and if possible claim abandonment & infidelity, even if it doesn't hold any legal ramifications, just so it is on the paperwork. She may want to negotiate to have it removed.

[This message edited by OrdinaryDude at 12:43 PM, March 30th (Thursday)]

br549, I am also very early in this horrible process, so am struggling as much as you. I just wanted to tell you that my WH also was shocked to learn that the kids would feel as betrayed as I do. He continues to struggle with that. He says that the infidelities and betrayal had nothing to do with the kids. Our kids are older. So when he left in the early morning hours I was frantic, and when the kids asked about their father I could not tell them what was happening, because I didn't know. They found out when I did. They felt abandoned, and betrayed. They see the hurt and pain their father has caused me. They are furious with him. A WS 's denial to even consider that their actions would hurt anyone, is just another example of their selfishness. I am so sorry you find yourself here

Should I stop paying for her vehicle (out of our joint account) and stuff like that? Meaning... make her set up her own banking log in and set up her own way to pay for her stuff.... she would still be paying out of the joint account. I would just stop it from my log in. let her take care of her own stuff.

Just pay for what impacts me?

I changed the password to our online banking. I told her that it was my log in under my social #.

I'm assuming that's good to do...

I just feel like everything I do she is going to use against me in court????

[This message edited by br549 at 1:50 PM, March 30th (Thursday)]