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If the car is ONLY in her name, stop paying for it. Anything that is under your name, make sure you keep your credit record clean.

You are fine as far as the bank account is concerned. I eventually created a new bank account and moved half of the money there.

Once a separation or divorce is files, I think any joint accounting stuff is out of the window. Ask a lawyer though. If you don't have a lawyer yet, you'd better get one today.

Count yourself lucky. I know it sucks, but she has made this a really easy decision for you.

My only concern about telling the OBS is what if she does something to get them both fired.

Then, I would be screwed for the temp custody hearing.

We live in SC where normally it goes every other weekend for someone. If she isn't working, it might make it more likely she would get it.

So, maybe I will wait until then?

I don't know... The other spouse doesn't work so she would be kind of crazy to get her husband fired.

So maybe it's ok to tell...

Thoughts?

If it is a joint account, then leave half of the funds there for her, and open a new account at a completely different bank, and move your income and deposits there. She is entitled to half of whatever is on hand at the time you split.

I would advise continuing to make payments on her car if your name is on it, but ask your lawyer about stopping payments if its in her name only.

Be sure to put a freeze on any new credit in your name and close out any joint credit accounts you may have, or at least remove her from them and cancel her cards to prevent any new debt that is connected to you.

She can get her own credit and will be responsible for it from there forward, and will likely be responsible for half of your existing debt as a couple...be sure to document all debt as it exists once she is removed from the accounts.

Above all else, consult your lawyer on these things!

[This message edited by OrdinaryDude at 2:09 PM, March 30th (Thursday)]

Maybe change my status on facebook to "Separated"...

I can't imagine this being helpful in any way.

As of now, she has no intention of reconciling.

Then for you the 180 begins right now. That list of things I linked above for you? If you start doing that perfectly, you'll be amazed at how good you feel in 48 hours.

Will this make me look bad to a judge

Not at all, especially if you don't do something crazy. You are helping a person, in a gentle and kind way. Don't let her continue to be in the dark like you were.

My only concern about telling the OBS is what if she does something to get them both fired.

Then, I would be screwed for the temp custody hearing.

Its not likely to make a difference, but I would wait just to be on the safe side.

You can inform the OBS, and even HR, after its settled in court.

"My only concern about telling the OBS is what if she does something to get them both fired.

Then, I would be screwed for the temp custody hearing."

You want to reconcile. In order to do that your wife must end her affair. It doesn't sound like she is doing that. The best way to end an affair is to tell the other betrayed spouse. It is also a good way to find out information. First things first. You cannot control everything, worry about divorce preceedings when all other avenues are exhausted.

She has filed separation papers so I will respond with divorce.

She got an attorney I think before she moved out...

I have one too.

It's going to be a long legal battle!

[This message edited by br549 at 10:11 PM, June 30th (Friday)]

She got an attorney I think before she moved out...

I have one too.

A lot of the questions you are asking us need to asked of your attorney. But exposing the affair will have absolutely no impact on custody...NONE.

If you go to NC a lot are you perhaps in the upstate SC?

With regard to paying for her car and other financial things, do whatever your lawyer tells you to do. That's what you're paying him for.

But, tell the OM's spouse, now. She deserves to know. It's unlikely to change anything other than to end your WW's relationship with him, since he already told her he wasn't leaving his wife and kids. And don't tell your WW you're doing it, just do it.

Friend Br549:

I regret your situation, I understand what is happening and I advise you to pay attention to what your older friends tell you, your advice will be very useful.

Just one question: How did you hear about infidelity? regards

How did you hear about infidelity?

The short answer is that I put a tracker on her car.

The long answer is that I think it was God's plan.

She was going away on business (really was) and the Sunday before she left, I was next to her when her phone buzzed or whatever. I looked at it and I thought it said Adam. I became very very very suspicious. Not really sure what it said. I think it might have been alarm.

That's when I decided to get the tracker... But, the smallest little thing and the next workday after I put the tracker on she went to a hotel for 2 hours.

Oh and by the way... she first lied to me and said it started in January 2017, which I bought for a day.

I woke up in the middle of the night and said no way!!!

I hounded to see her phone but she deleted all of the texts.

I went into her email and found 1 (only 1) from June of 2016....

It was sickening... I love you... blah blah blah... Will you marry me... blah blah blah...

Now, she had (according to her) only been seeing him for a 3 months or so... Which to me is the equivalent to a couple weeks or month of actually dating someone where you spend all of your time together...

Yet... I love you... blah blah blah...

I was the one who was there when she had to get her appendix out... I was the one who took her mom to all kinds of cancer treatments... I was the one who let her mom move in with us... I was the one who moved to a place I didn't want to move because I wanted to make her happy...

And now living in her Fairy Tale world... she loves this guy!

Sick, Sick, Sick....

Sorry for the rant...

I am starting to see she isn't worth it!!

I would wait just to be on the safe side.

I understand what people are saying here, but you really need to take a look at your own moral compass.

This other woman is being fucked with. She is being used and made to exist in a hell she doesn't fully understand. Just like you.

If the situation were reversed, *you* would want to be told.

Sorry, it's the right thing to do. You need to tell the other BS. Otherwise you're being selfish and dishonest and secretive and hurtful. Sound like anyone you know?

I'm also worried about the custody battle. If I tell the other spouse, does it look bad in court?

Should I stop paying for her vehicle (out of our joint account) and stuff like that? Meaning... make her set up her own banking log in and set up her own way to pay for her stuff.... she would still be paying out of the joint account. I would just stop it from my log in. let her take care of her own stuff.

Just pay for what impacts me?

I changed the password to our online banking. I told her that it was my log in under my social #.

I'm assuming that's good to do...

I just feel like everything I do she is going to use against me in court????

You should ask your attorney these questions.

I just want my old wife back and the good mother back!!!

As you are beginning to realize, she is not coming back any time soon. Your job now is to create a new and better life for yourself and your children. If you succeed, who knows, she might just come to her senses and want to rejoin her family. Of course, by then, you may no longer want her.

Wishing you the best.

Sorry to hear about this, br549.

As many of others have stated, please tell the OBS as soon as possible. Whether this helps break the affair fog is immaterial, as this woman deserves to know.

As for your wife losing her job because of the affair, check with your attorney about its implications regarding spousal support/alimony. If you have evidence of a past or ongoing adulterous relationship with the OM, then should lose rights to alimony under SC law. So, telling the OBS should have little effect on your financial position. On the other hand, you may receive support from her. Further, even if she loses her job, her past employment history from the prior few years should be imputed against her. So, she should be expected to make the same amount of money, especially if she was stupid enough to have a workplace affair and get fired for it.

Adultery generally doesn't have an effect on child custody. Check with your attorney, but I think SC is a 50/50 state, unless the other parent is unfit, or wishes to give up custody. While she is in the affair, you may be able to sell her on giving up custody to go after her AP. Remember, while in the affair, WSs lack logic, and she may go for this even if the OM drops her like a hot potato.

Re

Mistakenly hit the submit button.

As for the residency issue, research SC law on establishing residency there. Some states require a certain duration of time living there (e.g., 90 days), while others only require intent to establish residency. Intent to establish residency can be shown by purchasing a new home, getting a driver's license , etc. So, regardless of whether your wife falsified a document, she still may have the residency required to file under SC law.

As for the other state you have the apartment, review that state's laws and compare them to SC to see where you'll get a better deal in a divorce. You can file in another state than her if you'll get a better deal and have residency there. Just take a look at the divorce case between Jesse Jackson Jr. and his wife going on in both the District of Columbia and Chicago at the moment.

Honestly, you've come up with excuse after excuse after excuse for why you won't tell that poor betrayed wife about this affair.

And none of your excuses make sense and none are valid.

Seriously, how could a judge POSSIBLY overlook your wife lying, cheating and DESERTING her own family but somehow hold YOU accountable for merely telling the other betrayed spouse about the affair? That doesn't even make sense.

And if his wife is NOT working, that means she's dependent on HIS salary in order to keep a roof over their heads and food on the table. So your theory that his wife will get them 'both fired' and compromise her OWN family makes no sense at all.

Lastly, your theory that your wife will never come back to you if you tell the OBS and she kicks him out is not realistic. If your wife wanted to be married to you, she wouldn't have deserted you and her kids to go sit and wait until she's old, thinking lover boy is going to leave his marriage for HER sorry ass. So she's already SHOWN you where she wants to be. So even if this guy did get kicked out and he became available to your wife, it doesn't make a difference as she's already decided she doesn't want to come back home. Therefore, do the right and compassionate thing and TELL that poor woman the truth.

Please just stop with the excuses and do the RIGHT thing and tell his wife the truth. If he's like a lot of cheaters, he'll beg her not to be kicked out, tell her your wife meant nothing to him and the mere thought of her disgusts him, that they never had sex, and he'll promise her the moon. Trust me.

[This message edited by NoMercy at 8:18 AM, March 31st (Friday)]

3 kids and a SAHM? I'll tell you what is going to happen. He is going to throw your wife under the bus quickly to save his marriage. Your wife will direct her anger at you for "telling" but will also realize that she gave up everything for a guy that isn't willing to do the same. She will realize this wasn't a romance this was an Affair and she's an OW.

It sounds like you are walking on egg shells afraid that if you do anything it might kill your chances of Reconcile. Do you really think a judge will say "because you told the OBS about her husband cheating I'm going to take away your custody?"

Yes, doing a hard 180 is about detaching and it isn't advisable for a couples that are really working on Reconcile. You are not. You are divorcing and the best thing you could do for yourself is detach.

I am going to tell the OS....

No doubt about it.

My only concern about telling the OS right now is if she goes crazy and gets them both fired before our temp custody hearing.

Also, I need to talk to a NC attorney about some options with the alienation of affection charge.

I am going to do it for sure...

[This message edited by br549 at 1:21 PM, June 20th (Tuesday)]

And you're right...

This is a divorce because my wife is a selfish narcissist who gets to enjoy life while I pick up the pieces!!!!! While I deal with all of the suffering!

She actually tried to manipulate me into working a deal out with the kids...

And she told me she felt betrayed because she couldn't believe I was capable of doing this... trying to destroy her life or whatever!!! I haven't even done anything!!

She felt betrayed????????? Sick!!!

She didn't think I was capable of this?????????

WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!