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seekingselflove (original poster new member #58140) posted at 4:45 PM on Tuesday, April 4th, 2017
So I guess this forum is the best place to start telling my story. I'm not very good with words so I hope everything can be understood and not be a bunch of rambling and word vomit as I'm prone to do.
BH and I have been married for six years and together for 11. In July 2016 I began a PA with a married co-worker while pregnant. The affair lasted until D-day about one month ago. I was on maternity leave and BH found text messages between me and my coworker. Of course, I denied everything but then TT started as I was confronted with more evidence and I eventually admitted the affair was physical and lasted my entire pregnancy.
I've never in my life seen so much pain and hurt come from my BH. I felt even worse because it's not like my BH treated me badly or that our marriage was bad. As a matter of fact, my BH is everything I could ever want in a husband. He treats me like a queen and loves me to the end of the earth. I love him to death and I never would have thought I was capable of stepping out of my marriage. I was happy and before this had never even looked twice at another man, no matter how attractive. I had a lot of internal emotional issues that I had not dealt with and was seeking validation from elsewhere instead of putting on my big girl panties and dealing like a rational human. I've seen "ego kibbles" used here and I think that's a good way to describe how my AP got me to let my guard down.
We agreed to go to MC a few days later after BH calmed down some. BH said he was only doing it for our children because he loved them dearly and hated being away from them and he also still loved me for some reason. Well, the day of MC, BH and I had an argument about him leaving me alone with a newborn and a preschooler while I was still trying to heal from a C-section only four weeks out. BH decided that day to tell my AP's wife about the affair and gave her my phone number to talk to me. It was after this that I realized the AP I thought was my "friend" couldn't care less about me. He denied even knowing me to his wife at first and then he denied sleeping with me until he finally started admitted things one by one. I still don't think he told her the whole truth about it.
Anyway, BH and I have been up and down almost everyday. I almost immediately found this site while looking for a way to fix what I had done. I began IC to look into my issues and how to deal with them and I read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair. If it weren't for that book and this site, I honestly don't think BH and I would be trying to reconcile. BH still doesn't know if he is going to stay and I'm so scared of him having one foot out the door everyday. I know it is by the grace of God this man has not left me yet. I love him and want him to stay but I know I'm in no position to expect that. I'm still working on myself and trying to become a better me so that this doesn't happen again and even if he leaves I still have to live with me and I want to be a better person.
Some days I find it so hard living with the shame and humiliation. I find that its worse for me because I'm a woman and especially because I was pregnant during my affair. At first, BH asked for a lot of the sexual details and I was so embarrassed and humiliated at the things I did and I felt like dying just telling him. I can only imagine how my BH felt though and the thought of me doing all of those things while pregnant nearly killed him.
I'm still working on loving myself and coping with my problems in healthy ways. I think I've rambled on long enough and I'll probably make a million threads on different questions I have and things I'm feeling to see if anyone relates. I just wanted to introduce myself and tell some of my story.
[This message edited by seekingselflove at 2:11 PM, April 4th (Tuesday)]
smokenfire ( member #5217) posted at 7:17 PM on Tuesday, April 4th, 2017
Welcome and thank you for sharing your story.
You are on the right path, regardless if you have hit any goals yet, it's the right direction. That's the good news :D
Be sure to check out the healing library in the upper left hand corner of your screen, and if you feel safe, tell your spouse about this site as well. If you must be in this situation it's a great place to be, as you have the voice of experienced people by the hundreds. Other members will recommend books as well.
It's shocking when you find out life is really not all about you, isn't it? Those of us prone to affairs have the notion somehow that the moon and sun rise and set on us. It takes hard work to retrain your brain to think of others with empathy. It is not an impossible goal however.
You should feel your feelings, but shame is counter productive as it does not propel you forward in making changes and as humans we have a tendency to wallow in it and feel sorry for ourselves, you know because it's all about us :D Sucks I am familiar LOL.
Don't food shop when hungry, or date when you're lonely
How others treat you IS a reflection of your SELF worth, but not your actual WORTH.
seekingselflove (original poster new member #58140) posted at 8:16 PM on Tuesday, April 4th, 2017
Thank you smokenfire! I try not to let the negative feelings overwhelm me but it's hard some days, especially since BH is still in the anger phase sometimes. I just try to remember that it's not about me and that I put myself in this situation so I need to facilitate healing.
I do wonder if there are other WW that had the affair while pregnant. I think it adds a more complicated angle to an already messed up situation.
smokenfire ( member #5217) posted at 8:46 PM on Tuesday, April 4th, 2017
I'm not aware of any, however, that means very little. Other members will come along (it's working hours) and perhaps someone can relate more.
Don't food shop when hungry, or date when you're lonely
How others treat you IS a reflection of your SELF worth, but not your actual WORTH.
Zugzwang ( member #39069) posted at 11:52 PM on Tuesday, April 4th, 2017
One just started. Doctorslove[/bold but she is knee deep in the fog.
"Nothing in this world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty." Teddy Roosevelt
D-day 9-4-12 Me;WS
Taxi ( member #57719) posted at 3:13 PM on Wednesday, April 5th, 2017
There should actually be an adjunct to the Ashley Madison site that says: Go ahead and have an affair; we can vitually guarantee that the person who fucks you, does not really give a good goddamn about you, all they are interested in is the equipment between your legs.
All due respect, your husband has said it all: He is staying for the kids. There is not much one can do to fix this.
My wife went right out and had a revenge ONS to let me know how shitty I made her feel. All the yelling and name calling in the world could not have made me feel one tenth as bad as her looking me straight in the face and telling me that my actions caused her to have a meaningless physical encounter with someone completely inappropriate.
Candyman66 ( member #52535) posted at 3:41 PM on Wednesday, April 5th, 2017
Seekingselflove; I am a mad hatter, which means I was cheated on and had a revenge affair.
Supposedly my ex started her affair while she was pregnant but I never got any more info than that. in my case it was an exit affair. It happened more that 40 years ago which means that no DNA testing was available. To this day I don't know if my son was my son (he passed at 9, 5'2" flaming orange hair). I will NEVER know. Why? Because I will never believe a word that my ex says.
My humble advice to you is to do a paternity test to verify to your hubby that his child is really his child. While you may be positive that the child is his he, right now, doesn't believe a word you say.
You have turned his world upside down as the woman he loves has just severely emotionally ASSAULTED him! Their might not be any doubt but it would let him know that you are telling the truth and start to put points in the "believe her" column.
You might also read the JFO section and their you will see how devastating this is and help get some info on the damage you just did. Yes I will agree starting an affair while pregnant brings another level of pain to the table.
Please read "the healing center" here as it will help you navigate these treacherous waters. May you find peace and healing in your journey. There are MANY poster here with more experience and much wiser in the ways of healing on this site.
Listen to them they will help you in so many ways.
smokenfire ( member #5217) posted at 4:09 PM on Wednesday, April 5th, 2017
Slight thread jack
My wife went right out and had a revenge ONS to let me know how shitty I made her feel. All the yelling and name calling in the world could not have made me feel one tenth as bad as her looking me straight in the face and telling me that my actions caused her to have a meaningless physical encounter with someone completely inappropriate.
I've never head it put this way. Amazing insight.
One of my "new" life rules is never let anyone change who I am because of what they've done to me so that's probably why it stood out to me.
Don't food shop when hungry, or date when you're lonely
How others treat you IS a reflection of your SELF worth, but not your actual WORTH.
seekingselflove (original poster new member #58140) posted at 4:45 PM on Wednesday, April 5th, 2017
Thank you all so much for the advice. I volunteered to get a paternity test to alleviate any of his concerns about our baby not being his. OBS asked to know the results of the paternity test but I'll leave that up to him whether he wants to share that with her or not.
BH told me he thought about having a RA but he wasn't that type of person and he wasn't going to let my actions take him out if character like that. That only reaffirmed that he's a million times the person that I am and was one more reminder I'm lucky he's still willing to take a chance on me at all.
We went to MC yesterday and it was a really great session. We've made a lot of progress in just one month. I'm getting through a lot of personal and marital issues I never dealt with that slowly creeped up during the last year. I have more hope than ever that this marriage will still work but I have a lot of work to do.
I feel like I'm still harboring bitterness towards AP. His wife seemed to forgive him pretty quickly and his consequences for the affair seemed nowhere near the magnitude of mine. I know that's a stupid petty thing to be concerned about but I'm resentful of that still. I wish I could completely stop caring about what's going on in AP's household and focus on mine but it's not that easy for me for some reason.
[This message edited by seekingselflove at 10:57 AM, April 5th (Wednesday)]
FearlessGuster ( member #53954) posted at 4:53 PM on Wednesday, April 5th, 2017
Get all your kids tested. And this is very early so your husband is still in shock. MC and focusing on marriage issues is not a good idea this early. Focus on dealing with the affair. That will take a long time.
Me: 29 WH, recovering "nice guy"
Her: 29 BW
Married 9 years
2 DS
DDay: March 2015 2 OW on overseas business travel
In R
FearlessGuster ( member #53954) posted at 4:53 PM on Wednesday, April 5th, 2017
Double post
[This message edited by FearlessGuster at 11:05 AM, April 5th (Wednesday)]
Me: 29 WH, recovering "nice guy"
Her: 29 BW
Married 9 years
2 DS
DDay: March 2015 2 OW on overseas business travel
In R
seekingselflove (original poster new member #58140) posted at 5:06 PM on Wednesday, April 5th, 2017
I thought MC would help me get to the root of why the affair happened. I realize that it was all me and my poor coping skills. My husband is awesome and open and communicative. My BH is not perfect but he's pretty close and would have done anything to fix any perceived marital issues. The problem wasn't him or the marriage, it was me.
I wonder if MC is not a great idea. It just seems to help BH so much to have someone to talk him through this and reassure him. Our counselor is very pro-reconciliation so she provides a lot of encouragement to both of us that we can get through this.
FearlessGuster ( member #53954) posted at 5:19 PM on Wednesday, April 5th, 2017
I mean if it is helping him don't stop. But many counselors don't deal with infidelity and want to move to rebuilding the marriage. I would be concerned if she wanted your husband to accept responsibility for any part of the affair because since men tend to be fixers he may want something he can fix (and he can't fix this). I would just make sure you are focusing on getting to the root of your why's and how to fix them.
Me: 29 WH, recovering "nice guy"
Her: 29 BW
Married 9 years
2 DS
DDay: March 2015 2 OW on overseas business travel
In R
SilverLinings55 ( member #57669) posted at 5:27 PM on Wednesday, April 5th, 2017
Seeking:
[This message edited by SilverLinings55 at 1:27 PM, January 26th (Friday)]
seekingselflove (original poster new member #58140) posted at 5:44 PM on Wednesday, April 5th, 2017
Thanks for your input SilverLinings. My BH just seems to be taking hits from all sides. When I look at all the things I ruined for him related to a pregnancy that he was so excited about it makes me feel awful but I know that's nothing compared to what he's feeling. He even told me he felt a disconnect when looking at our baby because he thought of the affair every time. Not only does he not deserve this, our baby doesn't deserve this either.
This is why I feel like our situation is particularly hard to get through. I feel like I lit everything around me on fire and now I'm just watching it burn and there's nothing I can do. I try not to wallow in self pity because that doesn't help anyone and seems very selfish since I did this to myself. Itd gard some days though and I think this is one of those days.
SilverLinings55 ( member #57669) posted at 5:50 PM on Wednesday, April 5th, 2017
Hopefully a paternity test will alleviate some of those issues he's having right now.
I just wanted to make sure you were aware that you're not the only couple who has had to deal with this or something similar.
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