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Complete agreement with all the others above, go on the offensive...tell the OM's wife, do this first and do not tell your wife you are doing this, or have done it...she will know fast enough.

Insist on NC (no contact) in any fashion, even if they work together.

If your wife's income isn't crucial to keep you out of immediate bankruptcy, then I would also inform their HR department, putting both of their jobs on the line.

Push your wife to quit ASAP and find another job!

Consult with a couple of lawyers ASAP, know your rights, and be ready and willing to file for D if she is not willing to stay within your prescribed boundaries!

Oh, and don't sleep with her until she commits to your M, and you BOTH get tested for STDs and are clear.

This is a must!

If she balks because its embarrassing or demeaning then that's too bad for her...if she had kept her panties up, then it wouldn't be needed.

My man the longer you sit the more you'll eat shit.

Consult an attorney. Know your rights & where you stand.

Confront ASAP. Do not divulge your source. Tell her you know and there is no room for three in a M.

Tell her you want full transparency & a time line like now. No BS the whole nine yards, then prepare yourself for a lot of TT.

Your WW must go NC with her AP & to do so your WW must leave her job and find another one.

If you're WW bulks at any of your conditions then inform her you will file for divorce & do so.

Divorce proceedings can be stopped at any time.

Inform the OBS just before you confront your WW, before she has a chance to warn the OM who can than paint you as a nut case to his W.

Sitting back passively and watching an A escalate is very dangerous for the future of your M & mentally unhealthy.

Sending strength my man

[This message edited by notanotherchance at 10:18 PM, April 4th (Tuesday)]

Wow guys

what amazing advice and thank you all again. Strangely enough I am seeing a lawyer a week next Tuesday (the earliest I could get) so I can certainly get that side of the "strategy" nailed. Just a couple of caveats to what I posted previously (and would not affect the advice offered already). I don't suspect that "she knows that I know" as in our second "conversation" earlier this year she pretty much thought she had convinced me that she had herself nipped it in the bud at an early stage (and her explanation seemed so plausible at the time) and even the next week said we had moved on from all that (and not so much as a sideways/cross-eyed look ever since; haven't women ever heard of "male intuition", or put simply "if it looks like a pig...."). Having been together 26 years (married 20 this August, ironically) we think we can read each other (hahaha).

When I said "I was depressed" in the original posting I was in fact referring to myself (and not my W). She knew I had been that way for a few years (no job, current job way below my capabilities) and that I had never neglected her in any way (even though I had a couple of cancer scares last Fall, absolutely charming that was not taken into consideration, eh?).

Regarding the lawyer, we may need to proceed slightly differently as, here in the UK, a lot of laws are completely different. For example, it would appear to be the case that some Family Court judges take a very dim view of the interception of emails/texts and may even deem it illegal so I have to be careful (another reason for not divulging my source of evidence to her). I will also be interested to see what he says about PIs as again things are different over here, so much so I would never Google to find one locally, would much rather use recommendations. That is the sort of evidence I would rather bring to the table.

Must admit the whole thing is rather sad, but I am presuming that any advice proffered so far by you guys applies the same whether or not I want a divorce (hopefully the threat should be enough on its own after serving). I will stay strong!

Thank you all again

... I am seeing a lawyer a week next Tuesday (the earliest I could get) so I can certainly get that side of the "strategy" nailed.

I am presuming that any advice proffered so far by you guys applies the same whether or not I want a divorce (hopefully the threat should be enough on its own after serving).

Meaning you planning on filing for D or just threatening to file for D?

Hi all

apologies for no recent updates. Have to admit it has been a complete wrench in attempting to confront and/or tell the other wife. I don't think I have been strong enough but am feeling a bit more detached in recent days. As you might remember my domestic setup is that apart from my 7 year old daughter we have her mother living with us so not many opportunities for "conversations". It's also the case that I am conscious that once I press the button my otherwise perfectly acceptable existence will likely evaporate and I will no doubt have to move out of my house in the end. The setup is currently manageable as she has been quite content to lead her double life where in her cake eating capacity she loves her family life. There has also been lots of bedroom activity (no doubt heightened due to her hormonal imbalances). No doubt I am being "played".

However things are now coming to a head (excuse the pun). I now have cell text evidence of oral sex having been supplied to him (she was evidently really upset the first time as she "should have been doing that to me but she loves him"). As of the weekend they have booked a hotel room for a daytime occupancy at the end of June in order to "consummate". I have decided to get an investigator to document this visit. The photographic evidence will either be held back for the lawyer (gives some backup for the adultery aspect) and/or be presented to her (I "might" send the other wife some prints but I am still really uneasy about this - yes I know what you will say about this!).

So I have a simple query for you guys. We are due to have a week on the UK coast next week in line with my daughter's school holidays. Should I confront her then anyway (change of scenery and all that)? She may well explode and that will ruin my daughter's week away. Can't see her changing her plans but at least my feelings will be out there? I will still find this really hard as that's my physical makeup I guess.

thank you again

I do not understand, you should have confronted and exposed a long while ago, instead for your personal reasons - no judgment - you let this rot through and through, why would you want to confront now?, what is it that you hope to achieve with it?

You do not need any additional evidence. It doesn't matter who is living in your house. You are being abused and you need to put this to a stop NOW

(h) would appear OM has no plans (yet) to leave his wife

This is the understatement of the year. Rest assured Om's wife has NO idea her marriage is in trouble.

If you want to save your marriage contact OM's wife. This is the SINGLE best way to disolve an affair and has the added benifit of keeping two pairs of eyes on the lovebirds. Affairs are like vampires as they die when exposed to the light of day.

England from what I hear is one of the worst places in the free world for the male in the event of D. Go and talk to a lawyer first, and it goes without saying to never give up your evidence whether illegally gained or otherwise. Even PI's sometimes resort to shady practices to get evidence.

So your plan is to just do nothing and spectate all of this? What's your end game?

You should have informed AP's wife and your mother in law.

Why on Earth do you want to spoil your daughter's holiday?

Yes, I know in the UK the house remains with the kids, but you could sell and both of you could split the funds. Then she can look after her mother with her money while AP dumps her when the shit hits the fan and he scrambles to save his marriage.

I am sorry, but from a woman's point of view you need to wake up and take action.

Your wife has a boyfriend and for 5 months since D-day you are letting her have her cake and eat it. Time to close the bakery and get your respect back as she does not respect you.

[This message edited by cannotforgive at 7:35 AM, May 22nd (Monday)]

Your post are almost robotic with no emotion. Get mad. Get pissed off. Use that anger. Stop taking this abuse.

e) "second confrontation a week later, apparently OM is told that I have to be the priority, she justifies hookup by saying "I was depressed at the time" (true, but no excuse of course)"

This information (above) leads me to believe that the affair is both EA and PA.

Amazing! You don't have to tell her you've already seen a lawyer. Tell you know the affair is ongoing and you're divorcing her. Better yet man up and tell the Posom's wife and your wife's boyfriend can tell her she's being divorced .

Your wife is giving him BJs and you sex? Get STD tested.

Good Lord

As of the weekend they have booked a hotel room for a daytime occupancy at the end of June in order to "consummate". I have decided to get an investigator to document this visit. The photographic evidence will either be held back for the lawyer (gives some backup for the adultery aspect) and/or be presented to her (I "might" send the other wife some prints but I am still really uneasy about this - yes I know what you will say about this!).

So I have a simple query for you guys. We are due to have a week on the UK coast next week in line with my daughter's school holidays. Should I confront her then anyway (change of scenery and all that)? She may well explode and that will ruin my daughter's week away. Can't see her changing her plans but at least my feelings will be out there? I will still find this really hard as that's my physical makeup I guess.

Are you wanting reconciliation or to divorce on grounds of adultery. Because if you're wanting R, I'd say confront before she does any more damage. If you're wanting D, then by all means, give her enough rope to hang herself and send the PI to document it.

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

I really hope I'm not coming across as some sort of "reserved limey". The only reason I am still here is because of my daughter. It breaks my heart every time I look at her thinking she doesn't deserve this BS and she's going through a sensitive patch at school. That's the reason I haven't confronted so far. I also think I had to come round to the way of thinking that that's probably that for my marriage, i.e. finally getting out of the foetal grief position. It's just so tragic we have our 20th coming up soon. Maybe she's always had this dark wild side but I'll soon get to the position where I'll not give a **** anyway.

It's your job to protect your daughter from this. Hiding / allowing it to go on is making it significantly worse. You are doing her a (significant) disservice by not putting a stop to this.

ChrissyWissy,

Not every man is cut out for confrontation and divorce. For some, keeping the family intact for the sake of the children is more important, and there's no shame in that.

You should not allow yourself to be pressured by anyone to do what you are not comfortable doing. Maybe you need more time to decide if this is something you can live with for your daughter's sake, or maybe your emotional path is a little different than others and you just haven't hit the "I can't take it any more" stage. While it is true that most cheaters follow a script and that recovering from infidelity is a process that generally requires that certain things be accomplished, there is no set time table.

Do what you think best and what makes you feel most comfortable. If waiting until after your shore holiday makes the most sense to you, than feel free to wait.

Just be careful not to allow yourself to be immobilized by fear, as that will undermine your self-confidence and self-respect, and you can't afford to those those if you are to be a good father, as you clearly desire to be.

Wishing you well.

I have decided to get an investigator to document this visit. The photographic evidence will either be held back for the lawyer (gives some backup for the adultery aspect) and/or be presented to her (I "might" send the other wife some prints but I am still really uneasy about this - yes I know what you will say about this!).

Never give up your sources. Don’t even tell your PI about them. Tell them that your gut is telling you that something is up. That she has made comments about innocent plans for a certain day and then have the PI follow her that day.

Never tell anyone about the emails. If you’re lucky you can keep monitoring them even after the confrontation or during the divorce.

[This message edited by Michigan at 2:58 PM, May 22nd (Monday)]