SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

At this point you might as well wait until after the holiday. There's nothing to be gained now by ruining the beach visit.

If/When you do blow this thing open, never tell your daughter that you delayed for her. Don't place that guilt upon her. This delaying is your choice, not hers.

It's unfair to the other BS that you're not giving her the information she needs to make life choices for her and her family. I can only assume it's because you're afraid of what the future holds for you when everything is in the open. No judgement; I get it.

Be cunning; make sure your ducks are in a row and you have an airtight plan to follow when you do finally confront. Don't waiver when it gets heated. Do what you have to do.

I hope it goes well for you and your daughter. I'm always amazed at how easy it is for some people to ruin the lives of those who love them most.

The longer you wait and watch, the greater psychic damage you undergo, and the more difficult to reconcile.

Just tell her you know she is cheating, tell her you have been given foolproof ironclad evidence, act like you just received it, and don't back down and tell her you are not telling her what you have, she didn't tell you what was going on, and you're not telling her. Tell her you want her to tell you what is going on, it is a test if you can consider giving her a second chance or not. Tell her you want her to stop the affair immediately and begin finding another job, get tested for STDs, and handwrite a no contact letter to him which you will read and mail.

Tell her if she wants to continue the lie, you cannot stay, and if you leave, you will not hold back letting people know why you are leaving, with the evidence if needed. You will not be made the bad guy in this.

[This message edited by wk55hn at 3:16 PM, May 22nd (Monday)]

Best chance of whatever you want is strong decisive actions. No guaranteed, but read here and see, that works best whether wanting to reconcile or to divorce or even just wait to decide.

Stop the bleeding, it will kill you and your marriage.

Very few come here wanting divorce. Almost all want to reconcile. Then delaying and dragging damaging their psyches and allowing their marriages to slip away. Best chances are if you take care of it immediately, the longer you wait, it only snowballs until eventually the affair becomes more important than the marriage.

I watch this happen every day here. You have been watching your wife cheat on you. From groping to oral to I love you's. You have been unable to confront because your you have not enough privacy to confront?

in a nutshell, yes, which is why I'm not ruling out "having a word" on vacation with the proviso that we can have the real discussion back home (when she can shout as much as she wants). I will point out my current thinking which is if she won't stop then she can go to him and effectively bring it all out in the open as we won't be man and wife any more (using the "letting her go" tactic here).

the reason you havent confronted her is because you are scared. we have all been there.

ironically the single most effective tool you have is exposure which includes confronting her.

I don't understand how you felt it was helping your daughter to let her mother take an affair further and further. You weren't opposed to reconciling when it was just emotional, but instead of addressing it you let it get to a point of no return. Not saying there is no return objectively, but you seem to not be interested in reconciling. Please stop thinking you're helping anyone by being a martyr. Tell the OM's wife TODAY and immediately thereafter, confront your wife, in person, in full ear shot of her mother if her mother's there. It's not your job to protect your wife from facing the consequences of her actions.

Also, you seem to think your wife will feel like she has a right to get mad at you? For what? For finding out that she was fucking someone else besides her husband?

If you'd confronted earlier you might have stopped the a before she gave him a hummer.

If you confront now you might be able to stop the a before they have full sex.

These things are just added crap to the crap sandwich that is infidelity.

The longer you wait the worse that sandwich is gonna get.

The longer you wait to spare some pain now the more pain you deal with later.

You can do what suits you. It's your life.

But your choices now are going to make impacts later. You could have probably stopped that bj before it happened and now you get to live with that.

Expose with no warning. Confront but don't reveal sources. The longer you wait the worse the mess is going to be.

yes I have to hold my hands up here. Apart from what I've described already I am afraid I am the classic "nice guy" who hates to rock the boat (and what a boat it is now). I have also had serious issues with telling the other BS due to my religious convictions but I can see now such moral dilemnas are irrelevant. Thank you all again

I am afraid I am the classic "nice guy" who hates to rock the boat (and what a boat it is now)

There's no boat. I was a mess until I realized that. Don't know how it works out for me, but I would never go back to being nice guy rocking boat I'm imagining.

I'm still nice guy though.

That is ok - you are here for support. Different people need support in different ways.

1. You need to stop this affair asap unless you 100% have reconciliation off of the table. All these things that you say about caring about your child, you sometimes need to do the hard things to protect the ones that you love.

2. If you want to end the affair you need to tell the other BS ASAP. Again, this is a hard thing. Nobody relishes doing this. But whether you like it or not you have this problem sitting on your laptop. Just know NOT doing something can lead to damage of your child. Do you really want to do that? Is that the kind of parent you aim to be?

Step up and hit the ball out of the park. It's time to take control. Defend your family.

This is sort of a mirror image of a famous Redit betrayal scenario in the recent past.

In that one, the guy let the PI gather evidence and then after he confronted her. They had a dramatic showdown in the kitchen when she returned from her 'consummation'. Then he left us all hanging.

One thing I thought then, and think now, is that if you have information about all this, then put a stop to it immediately. The fact they have plans, to me, is no different than going thru with them- unless you can gain some real advantages at court with child custody other financial considerations.

Why torture yourself as this all plays out? Just cut it off and be done with it.

Yep.

If ww has no reconciliation possible the waiting does not help. It just keeps you in infidelity longer.

If you and ww can reconcile it's going to be harder to do so the longer you let it go. There's more to recover from the longer it goes.

On telling obs what possible religious problem can their be? In most religious books I'm familiar with adultry is grounds to divorce and there is some variant of the golden rule (do unto others as you would have done to you). Your religion says to leave some lady wondering why her husband is distant, not knowing he's risking exposing her to disease, and betraying her. Really? What religion ate you talking about that would advocate or support leaving another human in such a crappy place because it instead advocates participating in the covering up an affair and the lies that go with it?

It's not a moral stance. It's fear. Fear your wife gets angry for exposing her tawdry secrets. Fear of change, confrontation, loss, etc.

Religion can and is perverted all the time all around us. This seems a perversion of both the letter and the spirit of religion. I remember one bs that told how his ws and ap used to pray together right before cheating and then she claimed bs couldn't be angry because God had already forgiven her. Delusional.

You owe it to this woman to expose. To do otherwise is to participate in compounding her pain. It's not right. It's not moral. And I don't believe any religion would say it is.

excellent point, William and I think we can see from today's events not too far from me how religion can be twisted to serve a purpose!

ChrissyWissy. You tell us that you are being too nice. But as someone who had been in a bad relationship while my ex was showing signs of cheating, and as someone who simply let that happen because I simply did not know how to salvage that bad relationship, I feel that you are just similar to me in that sense. I told myself that I was being nice as well, but deep in my heart I knew I had given up too and I didn't want to make an effort to save that relationship. That is why I simply let an EA happen. Oddly though, after the EA happened and after her EA relationship soured, my exGF told me how "nice" I was about all that. The truth was, I had just resigned to my/our fate. The EA took a toll on my self-esteem. I recovered from that. But in retrospect, I was not a nice guy. I simply chose to let that happen because I didn't want to fight for her or for the relationship.

I don't know if you genuinely are a nice guy. But BS don't let affairs happen simply because they are nice. In my own case, I just let it happen because of several reasons. I had so much pride. I was tired. I didn't want to try and stop one EA and then later be on the watch always.

there may well be an element of truth in that. I have accounted for her always having been a selfish person and doing what she wants (granted this a rather extreme example). And throw into the mix "high maintenance" and (from what I've discovered recently from her cell messages) insecurity and it's quite a potent mix. So, yes, I have been picturing all the fallout scenarios but still I had better fight because of my daughter.

CW. Thanks for being honest. I just felt that your "coolness" was somewhat eerily similar to mine. But trust me when I say that if you don't stop this from happening, you will regret that for a long time. What it does to your self-esteem is horrible. And to top that, when this blows up she will blame you for sitting by and letting this happen and tell you how you were a bad person for that.

The best way forward would be to try your best to stop her affair and proceed to divorce nevertheless. You have a contempt for her deep down. Contempt is worse than hate. Hatred is a result of anger. Anger goes away in time. Contempt is a result of disdain. Disdain never goes away until the person changes himself/herself to become worthy of respect. Why would you want to live with someone who you are contemptuous of?

Hi all

yet another gap in replies (sorry). By some minor miracle I finally managed to confront today (believe me this is not easy with a 7 year old and a mother in law constantly lurking!). Note I have confronted rather than exposed. Now as things are quite raw at the moment I would appreciate no "constructive criticism" at the moment about this (thanks all the same). I switched to a great female lawyer at a family law firm last week, i.e. that's the only type of law they practice. She is all for keeping things as amicable as possible especially at the divorce stage so I went with her wishes about the OW (we are very reserved in the UK). If needs be later on if you remember all my evidence is electronic and can therefore be emailed to the OW. Today is the first day in a long process and I was quite surprised she readily agreed to counselling. A lot was said including the topic of splitting and dividing things up but we pulled back from that. I did say I was prepared to let her go and she could go to him and bring it all out in the open but she said that would not happen as he would not be leaving his wife so we would both end up on our own (which may still happen of course). I was not surprised she downplayed how "deep" it is but she did admit it was addictive. I told her that if this is BS I will find out and also that I did not trust her yet. Any feedback from the counselling will highlight to me if she is just playing lip service. So that leaves the hotel rendezvous they had planned. Time will tell if have planted a seed of doubt about that. I was advised by the lawyer that I should stop snooping on the cell phone messages as it will destroy me so to protect my sanity I will not be checking. The red flag (which I expected) was that she did not want to give up her job (it pays very well and the UK is f****d for jobs not that I am making excuses for her) but she knows the score. I did not need to use the "I still know it's going on" (whilst not revealing my sources) tactic as I accidentally walked in on her texting him so seized the chance with the "you've been saying his name in your sleep" line. So there we are, I am not holding out much hope at this stage, but one day at a time, etc. At least I now have the D mindset if it comes to it and believe me that is a breakthrough on the personal front.

Wow. From your post, everything seems much more polite in the U.K., even infidelity. (Although I'm sure there are those that exist there that would more openly expose and fight for their M).

From the way you are approaching this I don't expect you'll listen to much of what is recommended to you here but who knows, maybe you'll find something that helps.

I wish you good luck.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 8:04 PM, June 17th (Saturday)]

You're doing a great job!

She is not remorseful and without her being remorseful (or leaving the affair) you have no options but to continue with the divorce.

Have you exposed to her boyfriend's wife?

[This message edited by notanotherchance at 9:32 PM, June 17th (Saturday)]