SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am Cancer free! All test results came back good today. It was supposed to be. A good. Thing. But instead of celebrating it I am sittting in bed trying to console my Hisband. I doubt that his tears are real. After he was against celebrating my win I am positive he wants to hog my time.

But I try to tell myself that I as a WS forsook all joy after the affair. But believing this gets harder each day. My faults are the only things counting. All the times I was there for him are gone like the wind. And the MC enforces this belief. Our marriage was badly shaken by many factors.

My Husband is. A workaholic, everything and everyone is more important then his children or wife. When his work began affecting our sex life my self esteem was seriously destroyed. The rejections hurt like hell. I came last in every possible way. The AP was different, he was appreciating my beauty, my intellect and my time. He took me seriously. It was wrong - but it showed me that I am worthy of all these things. I am seriously contemplating changing the MC to a more sex positive one. One who will also address the lackmof sex or more precise his unwillingness to make time for it.

My Husband Is not afflicted by Low LIbido but bad time Management and a unhealthy drive to please his boss. He works longer then any of his coworkers. Even on state holidays. When he is home he buries himself in the home office. I begged him to read up on Libido and Deadbedroom. I gave him books about saying no to superiors.

The last straw at the moment is that he was banned from the Cancer Survival Forum where I post regularly. He made his own account and began to reveal that I had cheated. That for me Cancer is Karma returning. This kind of talk got him banned. The moderator made it clear that anger is never karma but a affliction no one deserves.

[This message edited by Spiraltaenzerin at 3:48 AM, April 15th (Saturday)]

Welcome to SI. So sorry you find yourself here.

What are you doing to become a safe partner? What are you doing to grow and change?

We are struggling with sex as well. Understand that lack of sex more often than not is a symptom of an unhealthy relationship, not the cause. There are deeper issues going on with me that make sex impossible. Having sex won't fix it. I have to address the issues.

Congrats on the great news!!!

My marriage was like yours which yeah is why I sought the attention elsewhere. Thing is I had to learn I can't make him do anything but I do control what I do. Cheating only added massive logs to an already roaring fire. It solved absolutely nothing.

From a BH perspective my guess is that being a workaholic also means he has major self-esteem issues and uses work to get his affirmations. If he came from a traditional family where his father was the main breadwinner he probably carries a lot of pressure to provide for you. I've viewed my sacrificing on a demanding but high paying job, as my way of providing a better standard of living and my showing love to my FWW and children.

I don't know your situation but can guarantee that by you cheating on him,

His self esteem was seriously destroyed (more than before). The rejection hurt like hell. He came last in every possible way.

Your post is looking for a lot validation from your BH but you will never be truly happy in life if your self-esteem depends on what others think. That comes from within. If you believe in God know that he loves you exactly the way you are.

IC would be good for both of you. I'd also recommend spending a weekend together learning to deeply communicate. Retrouvaille or Worldwide Marriage Encounter may be some options that could provide a breakthrough.

Fuck him.

I was diagnosed with MS a year after D-day. The guy I was dating at the time said that it was God's judgment for having been unfaithful when I was married. Fuck anybody that has the nerve to talk like that, especially in your case when it was something that could have killed you.

Yes, I know I sound unempathetic. Yes, I am sure he's hurting very badly over your affair. But your affair and his hurt about it has fuck-all to do with your cancer recovery and I'm in complete disbelief that he's against you celebrating your remission. I sure hope you don't let him take that away from you.

I agree with DarknessFalls that it is warped thinking that God punishes people for their sins but I can definitely see where the stress of infidelity can bring everyone's immunity and defenses down. IMO there definitely is correlation with illness during the aftermath of an A and not just for the WS. I know that early in the process my lack of sleep, weight loss and increased high BP helped cause a mini-stroke. The process of recovering after the A certainly felt like it accelerated my aging.

In either case, God did not cause it or make it happen. Instead he tries to make good of all things. In a few years you both may be in much better place that you were before the A.

First of all, congrats on being cancer free!

Second, it's been 6 years since Dday, right? I'm not one to rush a BS healing, but at 6 years out and this is his response to your potentially life ending illness? Something's not right. It's on him to heal himself. You as a WS can only do so much.

That being said, go celebrate. This is a survival story. The ending could have been so much worse. Call your friends and family. Go out. Raise a glass. And if your husband wants to sit in bed all day crying crocodile tears, let him. Don't let him steal this moment from you.

tooanalytical:

From a BH perspective my guess is that being a workaholic also means he has major self-esteem issues and uses work to get his affirmations.

Thats what I thought too. I urged him to IC. He did not listen and I began to notice that he is very driven by his desire to be the boss himself. To have no one superior to him. This is his motivator. He is ruthlessly doing whatever he needs to to reach his goal. His family is very laid back about it.

Your post is looking for a lot validation from your BH but you will never be truly happy in life if your self-esteem depends on what others think.

Nothing beats on self esteem like feeling undesirable, unsexy. Not worth even the least bit of effort. I frequently asked him for sex and got rejected. Ever since his coworker got promoted he was just "too busy". Those fortunate enough to never experience a DB are never able to get how a High Libido Person feels. I am not even High Libido, Once or twice a week would be ok. I have frequently asked our MC to deal with the Deadbedroom, to open up the Lines of communication. But she thinks I am just seeking to blame his Libido for the affair and my sexual needs are way exaggerated - almost extremely so. Thats why I want to change to an MC who is sex positive.