ES
Posted earlier, once in response to your thread and once in response to Sad in AZ comment about what I wrote. I re-read what I said about revenge and I still stand by it. Other posters, like I did, commented on APs unwarranted behavior in front of your H. APs actions immediately caught my attention because I was an AP with someone who I adored for 35 years.
My friend was married 4 times. When I met her she was in between husband 2 and 3. I was mid 20s she early 30s. Years later when I attended a conference in their area I was invited to stay at her and her 3rd husband's house. Her husband knew who I was (friend) but don't think he knew extent and continuing (actually due to geography it wasn't that continuing) nature of our relationship. And I made sure that my words and actions kept it that way. I was polite, pleasant, no smirks, double entendres and even gave him a bottle of Scotch thanking him for his hospitality before I left. And I also did not FK his wife in his home. I adored her and did not want to be the cause of any disharmony - I knew it would hurt her. I guess this is why I was so horrified in my earlier post about the way your AP acted. Other commenters also picked up on APs actions ie Machiavel55, Scarlett94 and Numb&Dumb, maybe others.
Yes revenge, but let's be real. This is not the wild west with the gunfight on main street. This is 21th Century USA. An earlier posters mentioned being prepared, lift weights study Martial Arts. Don't discount that--after 6 months--more muscle, increased testosterone and the martial arts builds Confidence. Many to choose from but Krav Maga might take the least amount of time. BH is preparing for a confrontation @6months out.
Option A: Yes confront AP face to face, maybe with you there. Don't know how it would go but consider this. AP is suddenly approached and caught by surprise, best in public and BS snarls "you thought it was pretty funny fkin my wife. You ever come near her again and I'll wipe that sneer of your Fking face. Don't look at her, look at me! You want to say something?" or some such verbiage. You don't have to touch him, chances are AP is a coward and will become deferential and scared, if not and he touches BH well there's that 6 months of weight lifting and fight training. Chances are he won't though, no guy wants to get hurt especially facing someone who is willing to accept that possibility himself. If AP runs away that's the moment when BHs lion (see my earlier post) roars. Even if BH gets banged up somewhat he will still feel vindicated. Seems like that feeling is what he needs for your R to continue.
I remember my son accosted once by 3 Somali kids in his high school. Bad move, 5 years of Japanese Jujitsu training kicked in as my son quickly dispatched one then the other two suddenly commented about how everything was cool. Yes my son faced in-school suspension but his teachers, well when they heard the story they also thought it was cool and went out of their way to help him make up work. Public affirmation of the righteousness of one's behavior is a good feeling.
Option B: Now of course if AP is truly a dangerous guy that ya don't want to meet face to face be smart about it. BH should still continue weight and fight training cuz it's a good thing for a man to do (where I train we have lots of older dudes participating and their transformations are great to see), but consider this. We all break the law, there's to many of them for us to avoid. Lots of times we don't even know we did it. Which ones did AP break? Who do you call? The IRS, child welfare, his company's compliance or internal affairs department etc. I want to assure you with 100% certainty that anonymous letters containing kernels of truth receive the complete attention of decision makers. Who does AP work for. If it was me I'd let AP know I did it after the fact, but that's an individual call.
ES, I don't want to blueprint a plan for a physical altercation. The preferred end state is for your BH to face AP eye to eye wherein AP blinks, cowers and/or runs. That's when BH will feel his honor return and can begin facing you like he needs to.
Yeah I know it sounds so Junior High but look at it this way--junior high kids act the way they do because their behavior is a result of their DNA programming. We don't lose this genetic coding as we get older, we just disguise it, but boy does it comes roaring back when it's been violated.
ES, take these thoughts & use if you feel they are appropriate. I do not know you and BH but from your story I can see the pain and the exasperation due to BHs inability to get beyond that final barrier blocking his path. Hopefully there's some insight here for you to help him regain whatever it was he felt he lost years ago.
As a postscript to my story, the one who I adored for 35 years married her 4th husband, nursed him thru Alzheimers and died herself several years ago (sigh). I wish I had helped her more in life.
