SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Digi - I think the problem is much bigger than even we think -- I don't know for sure but I think you and I may have been married to the same person the past 10 years! Does your WW have long brown hair, law degree, raised in the northeast?

Reading your posts is like getting into a time machine and reliving every horrible, awful, pitiful moment of discovering my WW's affairs and throwing her out on her arse.

I mean, right down to the tuck-ins with the kids. My WW rarely tucked in our kids. Literally every night our younger son would go into this room and say "Mom, can you tuck me in?" And my WW would virtually never do it. She always had an excuse. Usually the response was something like "I'm already in bed. You come tuck ME in." I mean, what mother says that to her kids? I would tuck my kids in every night, without exception. My kids are in high school and still like to be tucked in. I love it. Who wouldn't love that?

But that's just one example. This stuff about your MIL, her not wanting you to tell anyone, all the control moves, etc. etc. It's scary.

Here's the good news - Sharkman is exactly right as usual: in time you'll look back on this debacle and have a completely different outlook. It's great that you've manned up and done all the things you're doing. You're going to be very proud of yourself down the road. I wish I had this site a few years ago - I could have done as well as you are. Instead I'm kicking myself for things like failing to tell my MIL the whole ugly truth about her shit daughter. Oh well, you're doing this for all of us I guess...

Keep up the great work. It's all gonna be ok.

“I should know within 24 hours how many biological children I have.”

Digi,

I can only imagine how you must feel about that. Whatever the outcome is, you already know beyond any shadow of a doubt that you have been a father to both of the kids in all of the ways that a father really matters to a growing young person. You have loved them, played with them, read to them, kept them safe, nursed them when they were ill, warmed them when they were cold, cheered them up when they were down. That is what a father really is, and that is what you have been to both of them. And they both love you, because you love them, and you have been their rock. That you have been all that to them and made them feel loved and safe in such trying conditions is an incredible testament to who and what you are as a person. Your MIL may question your abilities with the kids, but you see the real truth every time you look into their eyes and see love looking back at you.

“WW is frustrated that I won't return with her to the second mc tonight. Whatever. She's going alone.”

“I'm going to the first mc tomorrow. By myself. She has already seen WW's dishonesty and attempts to manipulate me in action, so I figure she can help me make much more efficient use of the session.”

Effectively, both of you are getting IC via individual MC sessions. There seem to be a lot of times in the forum where people recommend IC before MC, and the reasoning is sound. I think you are right to go back to your original counsellor, for the reasons you give. It sounds like she will be a good and productive addition to Team Digi. WW’s frustration? You’re slipping out of her control, and she is going to have to get used to that. It will speak volumes about the state of the marriage that she shows up on her own after just one session with that new counsellor.

“I've missed about half of the last 2 weeks of work. I am so fortunate that I stayed with this employer - the work and the people have always made me feel so good. Until recently giving up on it, WW was relentless in her demands that I look for other jobs that may have offered slightly more pay but much less job security. The unquestioning support from my bosses and co-workers these past few days has been incredibly important to me. These people are a big reason why I've always worked so hard.”

Which goes to show how highly this group of decent, supportive people think of you. What does that say about you? Something very different to the trash talk you have had from WW and MIL? Then again, your workmates have a very different agenda. They care about you and want the best for you. Team Digi just keeps getting bigger, doesn’t it?

“Thanks for the support from all of you…Whether figuratively or literally, clearly you all have saved a life.”

Your words are very kind, and I am sure will be appreciated by everyone who has been following your story and rooting for you. What has been heartening to see is the way you have found the strength and resolve to reclaim your life from people who thought you should sacrifice it to serve their agenda. You are becoming your own man again, and that is very positive indeed. More power to you, Digi.

late to the thread, but you have received a lot of good advice from those that have been down your path.

Sounds like your wife is a controlling type, and you've backed her into a corner, so be very careful.

Nothing more to add other than keep your mouth shut and your ears open, never reveal your sources or how much you know, or don't know.

Document, document, document. Makes copies of records and recover that hard drive off the laptop if possible.

Good luck, brother. Been there.

Holy shit I read up a bit more about covert narcissism. Some of the descriptions are a perfect match for what I've been experiencing all these years. According to every article, the only healthy approach to dealing with a covert narcissist is to run far and fast. Sounds like the right idea to me.

I'm glad she finally is recognizing that counseling can be valuable for her, but man do I think this second mc is a quack. At least based on what WW was saying and doing after she returned. She literally tried to corner me in a room and then follow me around the house for 20 minutes to make me listen to all the stuff she "learned" about the difficulties I've caused her.

There is a common saying here that you need to apply to what she has learned

'Not my monkies, not my circus'

Typical NPD.

And yes, D that monkey!

[This message edited by OrdinaryDude at 11:04 PM, April 26th (Wednesday)]

BTW, next time she wants to try to say that you've caused her this or that, remind her that the root cause of all of this is her spreading her legs for another man (or men for all you know).

What made her to be interested in R when few days ago she was so sure about ending everything

She literally tried to corner me in a room and then follow me around the house for 20 minutes to make me listen to all the stuff she "learned" about the difficulties I've caused her.

In general, MCs focus on trying to help fix the relationship and the standard approach is to identify how each spouse has something they need to fix/change. A bad MC coupled with a skilled, manipulate wayward spouse can easily get sidetracked into focusing on the betrayed spouse. It is why, as a broad and general suggestion, MC isn't advised shortly after DDay -- it runs the risk of further traumatizing the betrayed spouse, pushing them to rugsweep and putting them into a situation where the pain continues/gets worse.

Holy shit I read up a bit more about covert narcissism. Some of the descriptions are a perfect match for what I've been experiencing all these years.

I bet! Don't beat yourself up for what is now clear in hindsight -- you loved and trusted just like what you were supposed to do in marriage. Take what you know now and chart a path to a better future without her. Be ready for all kinds of tactics to be used on you now that she senses her power over you is slipping away. Chasing you from room to room is only a start. Be ready for "love bombing" (the talk of R is likely a variation on this), blameshifting, lying, gaslighting, etc. Really, really be prepared for her to think she can get away with stealing the kids and/or finances from you -- move quickly with a lawyer, have a VAR on you at all times and don't let her bait you into any kind of physical contact.

[This message edited by Crushed7 at 5:32 AM, April 27th (Thursday)]

...then follow me around the house for 20 minutes to make me listen to all the stuff she "learned" about the difficulties I've caused her.

Yeah, typical blame-shifting. It must have been your fault.

Bullshit!

I would also caution you about categorizing her actions as some sort of narcissism, even if true. You will tend to justify that as a valid excuse for her actions. It isn't.

Blaming you, or blaming a "condition", or blaming the working environment, the OM, or climate change is all the same. She just blaming something other than herself.

Be very careful and vigilant to not allow this. EVER.

To do otherwise doesn't help you, or her. She has to OWN it. Until see does, you have gained nothing.

Digifuwill,

Hang in there buddy...

Now is the time to start protecting YOU and your kids.. Get a VAR today! If she is truly NPD/ BPD , your in for a fight .

Stay the course !

CDB

I'm glad she finally is recognizing that counseling can be valuable for her, but man do I think this second mc is a quack. At least based on what WW was saying and doing after she returned. She literally tried to corner me in a room and then follow me around the house for 20 minutes to make me listen to all the stuff she "learned" about the difficulties I've caused her.

Nononono...

You are getting your WW's version of what the MC said. Not all counselors are great, or even good, but don't forget how bad of a source of information that your wife is.

It just occurred to me that because I let WW handle most aspects of the paternity testing that I'm not sure I'm going to be able to trust the results. Ugh I have to adopt a much different mindset going forward and it's not one that is natural or I like

Yeah, I wondered about that too, but didn't want to come off like a nag. Thrilled to see you come to this on your own though because it demonstrates tremendous clarity on your part.

Yep... Now your getting it.. Prepare for battle.. You can not trust her ..

CDB

Otherwise I'm feeling great, got a var (not the type I was shooting for but I tested it and should work fine, and I can still get the Sony icd-px333 at another store I haven't yet checked or sent to my office from Amazon), returning to work tomorrow, hanging with my best friend tomorrow night who I haven't seen in a long while because he lives a little far away and WW has always given me grief about the distance plus she doesn't like him, and then (regardless of the results) im going with my daughter to visit my brothers and my nieces for the weekend.

Basically planning to just kick back and have fun and be around good people for a bit before everything inevitably turns ugly.

Have an awesome time !

CDB

Have an awesome time !

CDB

Your wife seemed to be playing with a doll house. She liked to maneuver you like Ken (to her Barbie). She wanted everyone to see that doll house as perfect. Barbie and Ken. She controlled it and let you sit in it when she left to play with other things.

Well, Be sure that you see the actual DNA paperwork and not take her word for it. If I were you I might retest your daughter in a few weeks. Aren't there home kits where you do a cheek swab and send it to a lab?