SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am SO excited for you. You've executed perfectly.

Like exactly perfectly.

Yes, great job seizing the reigns on this situation! Look out for your kids and yourself first, last, and only.

I'd be interested to see what happens with OM now that his BS knows. You should check your WW for tire marks in the coming days; I think she'll be thrown under the bus shortly.

Since they're together, they've got plenty of time to cook up a story. That puts you in a position where you can't believe anything you're told without getting a polygraph.

You might start looking into that. If the OM throws her under the bus, it's quite possible she'll want to return to the status quo, even if she tries rattling her saber initially first by threatening divorce.

Start calling around and getting estimates.

Well, that was fast. I wonder what story the WW & OM are cooking up on the drive home. Oh to have a VAR in that car

Invite the the BS over and why don;t the 4 of you have a sit down.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 7:35 PM, April 21st (Friday)]

Basically, for now at least I feel good and pretty liberated. If my MIL is able to turn the corner and accept that there was a PA, then I'll really really be gold. If not, well, I'll take things as they come (with the help of a lawyer, and some good friends and family members who I'm looking forward to seeing a lot more of). Thanks everybody. I haven't followed your advice as well as i would have liked, but I'm glad I found you. I know I did a very good thing today, something that I would not have done if not for you, and that I would have regretted all my life had I not done it.

I'm very impressed. Now file for D and start to build a new and better life for yourself and children.

They are definitely building a story on the way home. Remember - you know the facts.

It was about 8 hours ago she was telling you she was staying tonight for a fuckfest. Be short and don't debate her. There isn't anything to talk about beyond how she's gone No Contact with him for good

Sorry you have found us but glad you did. You are not alone.

Purchase a voice activated recorder and keep it with you at all times. It may not be admissible in court, but it can help you in the event she tries to file false domestic violence case against you. Trust me we read about it all the time especially when dealing with an remorseful bully spouse.

They have begun working on their stories. Doesn't matter. There are now four eyes watching and four ears listening. One of them will slip up due to the pressure.

Kuddos on you taking such quick action after reading other's post.

Don't let your WW know you are talking to lawyers. Let her find out by having her served. If you tell her before that she will get the jump on you and file herself.

Also, in many of these situations where in-laws are invloved the majority of time it comes down to "blood is thicker than water"

I got the "we support you" speech from my in-laws as well. That's what they said up until my XW got her own apartment and moved out. Guess who helped her move?

Jduff hit the nail on the head. When I threw out my WW for multiple affairs, my MIL told me she understood my decision and we agreed to keep things status quo given my 2 kids and her role as the grandmother. That lasted maybe a week. She's decided all that maters is taking her daughter's side. Always. And her daughter is cracked I can assure you.

Same store for her whole family. Blood over water is the rule for sure.

Hats off to you, you really blew them out of the water! Even if they are driving back concocting their stories, the OM's wife is going to know it's a pack of lies. The fact that they have come back early is proof of their panic, and panic doesn't come from harmless, innocent situations. And as HeavyE says, the wife will now be watching the OM very carefully.

You may not have a VAR in the car to capture their discussions, but if they are still going to car pool, and be using your wife's car to do it, you really should see if you can get a VAR into it. As people have said, such recordings are often not admissable in court as evidence, but they can give you some valuable insight, and may provide something you can share with the OM's wife.

It is nice that your MIL and SIL are being positive, but as others have said, be prepared for them to change sides at some point. A factor that might prevent that from happening is their feelings about infidelity. If they have hated the MIL's husband for cheating, how will they feel about your wife for doing the same thing? Anyway, while they are being positive, there is no harm in going with it. One thing though: do not share your plans with regard to divorce, court strategies, etc, with them. Whatever they may say, they can feed it straight back to your wife, and she can then try to wrongfoot you.

I have to say, the exposure, with your wife trying to call you, and the OM's wife in the middle of a call with the OM, has to be one of the most textbook exposures ever. The looks on their faces must have been priceless!

Yes I am being careful with what I tell the in laws for the very reasons you give. That said, the infidelity by the father has been the defining moment of their lives. Both the MIL and SIL have felt that their lives were destroyed by that event. Just last week MIL was threatening to commit suicide if WW and I took the kids to a wedding at which FIL would be present with his new girlfriend. I know that they will side with WW in the end, but their relationships with WW will be radically damaged once they learn for sure what WW did while they were watching our kids for us.

New developments: got some good lawyer recommendations that I'll follow up on on Monday. Also told WW to just come out with it since I already know it went on for years. She said "Well, we had one kiss two years ago but that was it we've just been friends since." Lol. Also I learned that WW listed OM as her #1 reference when she applied for her new job. My understanding is it's somewhat unusual to list a current supervisor as a job reference. Just more confirmation of my (and your) suspicions about why she switched jobs.

Pretty sure the carpools are over.

Still haven't heard from OBS. Should I email her what else I've learned? I'm leaning no, but I really want to compare notes (and not let him talk his way out of it with her).

I would call her

Digi,

It's good that you are being guarded about what you let your in-laws know. By all means do everything you can to keep them on your side, particularly as they may be able to help with the childcare aspect. I know you feel your MIL is a bit nutty, but maybe your SIL will prove to be a better child-minder if you ever need her to do that.

I am sure that it is the family trauma about cheating that is causing your WW to tell such ridiculous lies about what she has been doing. Regardless of her unbelievable denials, stick to your guns on this one and make the in-laws fully aware of your WW's cheating. Any hint of infidelity is not going to go down well with her family, and that can keep your in-laws feeling positive towards you as you proceed with the divorce, which can only be a good thing for you and the kids.

It's great that you have some recommendations of good lawyers. They should be able to outline the best way forward for you.

Sorry to harp on about VARs, but it would be good to have one around when you are having significant conversations with your WW about the affair. She really cannot admit to herself what she has been doing, can she? She told you that she developed strong feelings for the OM six months ago, at the same time as she unexpectedly left his company, and yet the only thing they ever did was have "one kiss" two years ago...So the kiss two years ago happened before she had strong feelings for the guy - we all smooch people we feel nothing for - but after her feelings got stronger, they didn't even kiss again? She's priceless.

I would leave the OBS alone for the next few days. I have a feeling that her previous coldness when you encountered her with the OM around town may have been because she wasn't comfortable about her husband's relationship with your wife, but if she said she had no idea about the nature of their relationship, she may need a few days to get herself together after the exposure. I think it would be good, and legitimate, to give her a call or visit in a few days' time to see how she is. Unless she has known what her husband is doing all along, and just tolerated it, she will be going through her own world of hurt, and the last thing she will need is contact so soon after exposure. However, I think it would be good to see how she is doing in a few days' time. The exposure was entirely the right thing to do, but she may be struggling with it, and it would be the decent thing to see how she is coping with it. You have been saddled with your WW, but she has just found out that she is stuck with a POS husband who has been grooming your wife for years. That is a bitter pill to swallow. I would recommend contacting her in a few days to see how she is, at which point you will be able to judge whether or not she is in the mood to compare notes, or if she has retreated into a shell and does not want to talk about it. You are a bright and sensitive guy, you will know what is the right thing to do when you do talk to her again. Give her a bit of time to get her head around the exposure, and the implications it has for her life.

OBS has my cell. I only have her landline. And i don't want to take any risk that her kids will pick up the phone. I feel awful that they know that I was talking with their mom right before they very likely saw their mom crying and/or their parents arguing. Just a week earlier she and her kids had been picking out gifts for my own kids while they were on their spring vacation.

It seems ages ago, but i now realize it was only 27 hours ago that I talked with her. I need to remember that and give her a lot more time and space. WW has her own (legit) business trip this week. I'll use that time to do more investigating. WW is a pack rat. She has boxes of papers in every room of the house because she throws almost nothing out. Our home is filled with potential evidence, some of which I've already collected, but most of which I still haven't properly inspected.

Also thanks for harping on the VARs. That's a good suggestion that I will follow up on asap. I just need to figure out how to acquire and employ it secretly. I'm not nearly as accustomed to hiding things as certain other people I know.

[This message edited by digifuwill at 7:01 PM, April 22nd (Saturday)]

It's good that the OBS can contact you if she needs to. The fact that you have concerns about her kids puts you head and shoulders above your WW, who has intruded on their marriage and family for her own selfish reasons for years. You and the OBS are both victims of your respective spouses, and it is good that you are sensitive to the OBS's situation.

Exposure was the right thing to do, but your decency shines through your comments about the aftermath of it. Always bear in mind that you didn't create this mess; that is entirely the work of your WW and the OM. The selfishness of infidelity has an impact on the innocent people drawn into it, and you are handling it very sensitively and minimising its effect on the OBS's kids as much as you can. It's a shame that their Dad wasn't as concerned about their well-being as you are, but such is life. Cheaters seem to exist in their own moral dimension, and they leave everyone else to do their best to cope with the consequences.

VARs are little rectangular things that can be tucked away quite easily, put on top of wardrobes, on the floor under the edge of a bed, velcroed under a car seat, etc. Sometimes people feel uncomfortable about using them, but that is due to the imbalance between the standards of the people contemplating using them and the people being recorded. Once you have tried the VARs out, you will see how easy they are to place. It is worth using them, because you and your WW are bound to have a lot of discussions about your situation. Having a record of it cannot be a bad thing, can it?

By all means have a look at the paperwork your WW has stockpiled, but it seems unlikely that it will contain much about inappropriate communications with the OM. If it did, your WW would have ditched it. However, there's no harm in having a look.

The thing with VARs is that in many (and possibly all) jurisdictions in the US, it's not just that recordings of non consenting parties are inadmissible - they are against the law. If I were to slip one into WW's car, if it was discovered I could be subject to both civil and criminal penalty. A lot of states require consent of ALL parties, so even a conversation with me could not be legally recorded.

Fortunately, we live in a one-party-consent state (which is not as likely as I thought it would be) so I'm going to have a VAR ready for when she returns from her trip. For years I've told her I wish I had recorded our arguments because otherwise nobody would ever believe that someone could spew forth such cockamamie bs so brazenly. It's stupid of me to have waited so long, but I don't plan on being so stupid anymore!

You weren't stupid digifuwill. You trusted your wife and expected her to be honest and faithful, just like you were to her. There is nothing stupid about that.

The thing with VARs is that in many (and possibly all) jurisdictions in the US, it's not just that recordings of non consenting parties are inadmissible - they are against the law. If I were to slip one into WW's car, if it was discovered I could be subject to both civil and criminal penalty. A lot of states require consent of ALL parties, so even a conversation with me could not be legally recorded.

Absolutely, so they should be used with common sense, and recognition of what can be done in court with any recorded information gathered in such a fashion. However, there are many cases in the forum where people have learnt vital information by using VARs. The need for being careful goes with the territory. The need for declaring that a conversation is being recorded has been covered in several threads here. There is nothing to stop you from telling your WW that you are recording a conversation before it happens. That way, you are covered legally.