SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So I've been around here for a while and posted a bit.

I've had the sinking suspicion lately that my WW has broken NC. I know that her AP texted her and she called him back. She offered that information voluntarily and I didn't even expect it at the time.

However, after looking at our phone records there's some activity that seems to have only appeared after that initial phone call a couple weeks ago. As in she dialed this number right after she called the AP number. At least the number that I know is his. Anyway, I cannot completely say she is talking with him. But it has been appeared more often since that time. And I do know she dialed this number this past Saturday night when she was at the house by herself and talked for about an hour and a half. I asked if she called anybody that night and she said she called her brother who lives overseas and via Viber which doesn't show up on our bill. AP is currently travelling West while living in his van.

I asked her point blank if she was talking to AP again, and she said that she wanted to but that she hadn't contacted him since that call that she told me about. Her behaviors of protecting her phone have returned. This was my first red flag. Then the appearance of this number and considerable time spent calling it was my 2nd red flag.

I haven't mentioned the phone records. I'm seeing an attorney this week to talk about what my rights are and about setting up a post-nup. I'm going to do Dr Fone scan on her phone this week. I plan to sort of surprise ask her and do it right then and there.

Should I mention to her that I've been checking phone records? Or should I just hit her filing?

We've been largely uncommunicative lately. Pretty much a la 180, we've talked just kids and finances. She wants to plan a family trip but with all this hanging over our heads I don't know if that's a great idea.

[This message edited by squid at 12:16 PM, April 24th (Monday)]

If she has then file for D. What's the holdup? If you need more justification just walk up to her the very next time you see her, stick your hand out, and say can I have your phone for a minute? If it's locked ask her to unlock. Don't lurk in the shadows like a ninja, that's weak. Confront the disrespect face to face. If she balks at handing the phone over then you know everything you need to and need to get to filing most ricky tick. If she hands it over and it's clean then say thank you and hand it back.

[This message edited by CincyKid at 12:18 PM, April 24th (Monday)]

My only hold up is that I told myself I would wait 6 months after D-day before I made any big decisions.

But, obviously, this return of behavior has fast-forwarded the timeline.

If you need more justification just walk up to her the very next time you see her, stick your hand out, and say can I have your phone for a minute? If it's locked ask her to unlock. Don't lurk in the shadows like a ninja, that's weak. Confront the disrespect face to face. If she balks at handing the phone over then you know everything you need to and need to get to filing most ricky tick. If she hands it over and it's clean then say thank you and hand it back.

That's exactly my plan.

I know I've responded to you before so I went back to see where you were at and what was going on:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=603333&HL=57624

It stops when you decide you've had enough. Sounds like you're there. You will feel better once you've taken control of your life. Choose your course of action...one foot in front of the other. I'm glad you've contacted an attorney. Get yourself out of infidelity. Empower yourself with knowledge.

Have you called this number to see who answers? There are apps that allow you to disguise your number and you can actually make it look like it's coming from your wife's phone. Something to consider.

I don't know how I feel about the "wait 6 months" advice. I think it's great for those that are paralyzed by indecision...but if you're sick of eating shit - why wait? And the process can be halted at any point so if she suddenly snaps her head out of her ass you can put the D on hold.

I don't know how I feel about the "wait 6 months" advice. I think it's great for those that are paralyzed by indecision...but if you're sick of eating shit - why wait? And the process can be halted at any point so if she suddenly snaps her head out of her ass you can put the D on hold.

I'm filing mostly to get out of infidelity and in equal part to stop eating shit.

squid, sent you a PM.

Should I mention to her that I've been checking phone records?

No, you should not.

I'm sorry that this is happening.

Beyond that, I just wanted to chime in with another possibility... it's possible that she hasn't broken NC with AP, but rather she is embarking on a new EA and/or PA.

Replied

it's possible that she hasn't broken NC with AP, but rather she is embarking on a new EA and/or PA.

I haven't even begun to try and fathom whether or not she is capable of that. But it has crossed my mind. I don't think I could come back from that.

it's possible that she hasn't broken NC with AP, but rather she is embarking on a new EA and/or PA.

My XW did this ^^^^. I'm not saying it is what your WW is doing, but it is possible.

and I echo, "no- don't tell her."

In my case, when my gut feeling started being a gut feeling again, it was for a reason. Pay attention. And man, I hope I'm wrong. Good luck.

I asked her point blank if she was talking to AP again, and she said that she wanted to...

Honestly, that's probably a valid enough reason to file in and of itself.

[This message edited by PlanNine at 2:04 PM, April 24th (Monday)]

Ugh. There are quite a few red flags slapping you in the face here. She's clearly still lying and that alone is not acceptable if you're going to R. But you know she's not R material.

The "six month" rule is not a bad one but in your case I really don't see the point in waiting. The six month rule is useful in the instances where the WS is wanting to R but has trouble getting the "heavy" lifting underway for whatever reason. Or when the BS is too unstable to make a good decision. You're not in these categories.

I wouldn't bother discussing a "post-nup" deal with your attorney--I'd be discussing what a divorce is going to mean and start working towards that goal. Your WW isn't even close to being remorseful and whatever time you try and spend repairing your marriage is going to be wasted.

Absolutely, under no circumstances, plan a family holiday. At best you're rewarding her bad behavior with a "family trip" that will put pressure on you to rugsweep and validate her wishful thinking that "see, we're all good!" which is extremely manipulative on her part. Gah. At worst, you'd be redirecting funds that could be better used towards legal or IC support for yourself and possibly your children (the IC is crucial to getting them through a divorce). I know it's a gigantic re-arrangement of a mindset from "business as usual" aka family vacations to "we're in crisis mode and I'm circling the wagons" but I think you know which "business" you're in. Start circling.

6 months is a good idea if your WS is working on the M.

Yours is not. Don't waste any more time. Filing would be a really good "stand," to show her you won't take her disrespect any longer. End infidelity in your M or end the M. Either way you get away from her destructive choices.

Don't tell her you are checking the phone records.

IF you are going to file. I wouldn't bother confronting her about anything.

[This message edited by numb&dumb at 3:03 PM, April 24th (Monday)]

Whelp,

I did a Dr Fone scan of her phone and didn't come up with anything. Weirdly, the only text that showed up from the AP was her NC letter to him. And I know (because I saw them with my own eyes) that he texted her many times before and once after that she told me about.

And when I looked at her call history, with her looking anxiously over my shoulder, she mysteriously couldn't recall making those suspicious calls, where she talked for almost an hour and a half on the most recent occasion.

So, she's either A) lying through her teeth B) has short-term amnesia or C) has some sort of schizophrenic mental disorder that has yet to be diagnosed. Going by her recent history, I'll assume the correct answer is A.

She swore up and down that she can't recall that dialing that number. Is this the most brazen display of dishonesty ever? Or could there be a reasonable explanation? I can't think of one. The only explanation is that someone used her phone on several occasions to call that number.

She can't recall talking to someone for over an hour.

She was well relieved that nothing turned up. Up to the point before I said I wanted to see her phone, she was as indifferent as could be. But from the moment I asked for her lock-code and while I was scanning her phone, she pricked right up and was as nervously attentive as could be.

That doesn't seem suspicious at all.

Anybody have other suggestions to get those other messages?

Not that it really matters at this point. But my BS mind wants to know their contents.

[This message edited by squid at 10:05 PM, April 25th (Tuesday)]

Don't do that wait 6 month bullshit. You know when it's time to put a fork in a marriage. All signs seem to point that she is still heavily in the affair. But if you are still not ready, you might want to get a couple VAR's for the house and her car. Some things you can't unhear, though...

Simple solution take your wife's phone and call that number. The caller ID will be her number.

So, you have to ask for her phone and lock code but some random person out there is using her phone to talk for hours?

Yeah. Sounds really legit.

she mysteriously couldn't recall making those suspicious calls, where she talked for almost an hour and a half on the most recent occasion.

Wouldn't it be interesting to see who answered at the other end if that number was *magically* dialed from her phone?

Her behaviors of protecting her phone have returned.

Does she know it's a dealbreaker? What's her explanation for the behavior?

Technology today makes it far too easy to cheat. There are way too many stealth app's that wouldn't show up on her phone no matter how many ways you check. What about a burner phone?

Brother, what I'm trying to get at is that if she really wants to hide her communication, she can do it. Ultimately, the only thing you will be able to rely on are your own feelings. What is she doing to help you alleviate your concerns. What are her actions showing you?

Have you considered setting up a poly and informing her of it while you're sitting in the parking lot about to go in?

Strength

I dialed the number from her phone and it went straight to voicemail. When I tried dialing it from my phone it came up as non-functional.

I'm going to try it again tomorrow.

And leave a message.