SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Linda, as far as I can make out in Washington State there's "fair and equitable" distribution which is not the same as equal distribution. The court can decide what is fair. Doubt this makes any huge difference in your feelings right now but I think you should make sure, or have someone you trust, make sure on your behalf just what you're rights are.

I well understand how you think your future is gone, but your future is not gone--just very confusing right now.

Eating and sleeping? There are sleep aids to help with that and sleep, rest is always very important but even more so now. There are many types out there and many methods.

I found a mindfulness program very helpful when I was in early stages of shock. Along with a sleep aid I was able to find some rest and even an hour or so in the day of relative peace. The pain, the horror, the confusion, disorientation--the nausea, anxiety--can come in waves. I have a dog who has to be walked so i had to leave the house but it was a serious struggle. You can do it.

Eating? If you can't do regular meals there are nutritional supplements. Or you can try just little portions, little tastes of things throughout the day--watermelon, a hard boiled egg. And try to stay hydrated--tea, water. . .

You mention an MC. Wondering why he is going if he doesn't want to R. Do try to find a good IC who, ideally specializes in BT--betrayal trauma.

The confusion is normal. That is exactly the word i used over and over--with IC, with MC and at the meetings. It goes away.

I am older than you Linda. I thought at first how crazy--I'm too old for this--this is for people in their twenties--I don't have time to heal in 2-5 years. But the time has passed. As of today it's 20 months out--it does get better. It takes lots and lots of work through the time. But you will survive. All the feelings you have, the thoughts, the emotions, the grief and the anger, the shame and the confusion, that's what his behaviour has created.

It's not permanent, Linda. Just a horrible, awful time right now but it is not permanent. You will find your peace again.

Check out the Healing Library (above section in yellow box) and try to inform yourself, read, and even write, as much as possible. It all can help.

(((((((Linda)))))))

Stay in the house. Get tested for std's.

Most importantly take care of your self.

A few more thoughts for you, Linda. In CA, I was told by two different attorneys, if one spouse asks the other to move out of their shared home, whoever moves out (regardless whether the BS or WS) is entitled to receive half the amount of rent or the mortgage paid jointly by the two of you to defray housing expenses. No way I was about to pay WH money for his housing. Besides, I didn't want him to shack up with OW, who was a divorcee whose back gate he was entering and exiting from so that neighbors who knew WH would see him. So I just stuck it out, which contributed to my PTSD but also facilitated lots of splitting of assets conversations between us as well as my cutting him off my medical plan and dental plan over speaker phone. Also my sister was coming in and out and giving him the cold shoulder & we were having discussions as to who he'd put on his advance directive (not me). It took two months from D Day for the fog to start lifting, and he was scared to death as to whom I might tell. After 37 years of marriage FWH realized what a lousy retirement he was going to have if he had to split it in half. I talked abou selling the house. He was also pressured by both our sons not speaking to him. Hang in there, Linda. I kept thinking, "I don't know who he is any more." You are in good company.

Tried to talk with WS yesterday, and tried to explain again how I thought he was not himself, he is in alternate reality. This he has been told by various family members. He agrees he seems to be different and his thinking is not straight, but no giving up on the other woman.

Then he drops a bomb shell on me, he has decided that he does not want the house to go on the market to sell until December at the earliest. He runs his own business and our tax returns do not show him earning any money as he runs it at a loss so he does not have to pay taxes. It will take until the end of the year to show earnings. The smug way he sat there and told me this was intolerable.

We have been working on the house painting and fixing up things to have the house on the market by June 1st. I am in shock, I am so mad I can't even think what to say. I know I have to see my lawyer, but he is on vacation until May 15th.

I have not signed an agreement with this lawyer, just the firest interview as I was not sure which way to go. Should I seek a new lawyer to get advice before the 2 weeks this one is away?

Are you cooking, cleaning, running errands for him? Scheduling his doctors appts? Sorting his meds?

If so please stop taking care of him.

Yes, interview another lawyer. Living with this man is going to drain you and effect your health!

He is 75. Let's be honest...how spry will he be in 10 years. So if he stops the affair...he then gets older. What kind of care will he need? He could have a stroke. Since he makes no money on paper..maybe you can dump him into a Medicare nursing home.

Do you want to take care of an old man? I know he has been your husband for 42 years. I cannot imagine the loyalty you have towards the relationship.

And frankly...as far as alimony...he has no income. You need to break his world up with a forensic accountant.

There are so many Key plays here....you have the leverage. Negative tax returns??? Tear his world up.

[This message edited by Iwantmyglasses at 9:19 AM, April 30th (Sunday)]

Then he drops a bomb shell on me, he has decided that he does not want the house to go on the market to sell until December at the earliest. He runs his own business and our tax returns do not show him earning any money as he runs it at a loss so he does not have to pay taxes. It will take until the end of the year to show earnings. The smug way he sat there and told me this was intolerable.

Be very careful. He will need money and assets to hold on to this much younger OW.

He and she will no doubt conspire how to get the most (she is probably doing this to her BS if D'ing) from your M.

Linda

I know how un-natural and hard it is but you must view this man as an enemy right now who does not have your best interests in mind but only him and his OW who is probably whispering in his ear to get what he can.

Do you know how much he actually $makes? Does he deceive you with his financial info also?

[This message edited by shiloe at 9:41 AM, April 30th (Sunday)]

Shiloe is 100% correct.

Does your husband happen to have diabetes?

Is the business in his name only?

Are you on any joint tax returns?

These questions are things an attorney should be asking.

1--can you get any of his SS now?

2--you need all bank statements IRAs pension plans...take that to attorney meetings.

3--he can be forced to leave life insurance polices to you. Make sure those premiums are being paid

4--his excuse about selling...he can move to an apartment

5. Run his credit and see if he has opened any new accounts.

He has no income and you have a job. This joker is going to get alimony from you. Find a lawyer and protect yourself. You do not know your husband right now.

Your husband thinks he can give you a lump sum and a quick divorce. He is stupid. That is not the way this divorce will go at all.

[This message edited by Iwantmyglasses at 9:51 AM, April 30th (Sunday)]

If he wants to live separately, suggest he move in with the girl friend. That way he is the one who abandoned you. I would just sit tight - don't do anything until your lawyer returns - don't put the house on the market. If you have joint accounts, I would start documenting what is in them right now.

I know I need to disconnect my feelings from him, but how do you do that?

He has hurt me so much, but for some reason I still care. I can't stop or ignore my feelings, these feelings have been in place for two thirds of my life.

I am not doing most of the day to day things for him. He does his own laundry and needs to clean his bathroom and bedroom. He cooks most of his own meals, and has to pick up after himself. These things he has never had to do.

We both miss the companionship of the other and tend to talk like we used to do. I keep thinking I can get him to see the reality of the situation and things will change back. I can rationalize that this will not happen, my feelings are still there.

Linda it's still normal to have those feelings for him. It's not like you have a disconnect button from your heart to your head but you must take the advice given to you. Protect yourself from him and the OW. She is most def looking for the money train here. If nothing else think of it as protecting your life and home from HER! Good luck. Gather the paperwork together and get to work on self.

Linda Why not interview another attorney since it seems you have no committment or serious relationship with the one on vacation.

Also wondering if you've tried finding a really good IC; preferably someone who specializes in the type of problem you are dealing with now.

I think all of us who've been with our partners for many, many years can well understand the complexity of your situation, your emotions. Seems that you are also faced with what might seem like your H's ambivalence about his situation. You say he misses your familiar companionship as you miss his--my god, I would find that unbelievably difficult to live with--if you're right, it's looking like he wants both of you--and indeed, I think that is what many cheaters want--and in some societies, some cultures have. But that doesn't sound like the society or culture you signed up for. So maybe it's boundary time? But again, an IC can be extremely valuable in helping you set boundaries; an IRL group as well; so can the right family and friends.

It's very, very hard, Linda but you really do seem strong and competent. You also seem to think that your H is in some sort of spell--some temporary insanity from which he will emerge; and perhaps that is true. But in the meantime there's much you can do to fortify yourself for any eventuality. Whatever develops, whatever he decides he wants or wants to do, you can come out of this stronger and better. But please do whatever you can to help you--legally, emotionally, physically, spiritually . . . .just for starters

((((Linda))))

It would be good to interview another attorney and see which prefer and you now have more questions that might be answered. If your WH draws soc sec make sure to tell the atty this and about his home business loss situation (odd that he needs to live at your home until Dec for that).

The idea is to find out whether you are eligible for spousal support if he has been the higher earner. Not sure of your situation but also you could ask if you would owe spousal support to him and how court will view your situation when it comes to fair and equitable esp whether you have some power due to the long M and adultery. I would also ask whether it would benefit you to retire as planned next year, or sooner regarding getting spousal support.

In my state fair and equitable doesnt mean 50-50. It can be as skewed as far as 60-40 per our state supreme court. Also in my state, requests from the BS may be favored more by judge if the marriage has been long and BS is been placed at great disadvantage such as yourself.

Does your WH plan to also get an attorney?

It would be ideal if your WS could be evaluated by a geriatric psychiatrist. This might help everyone understand better what he's doing. At his age something like vitamin deficiency or sleep loss can cause behavioral changes.

Is he willing to discuss the details of the A with you? If so and you are up to it that might help clear some things up. I know my fWH realized some things differently when we talked because women know better how other women think.

Have you broached the idea that she is likely after him for better money situation and likely thinks she can get control of his money and assets sooner due to his age. Bottom line he should know he is likely simply a "mark" to her as she sounds like a predator. He is really putting his future wellbeing at risk as she will not care for him as he becomes more vulnerable as he ages. Any WW that would do what she is doing to you both truly has no heart and may even be sociopath.

You may want to consider running a background check on this hair dresser and her H. I think you can contact a PI and have them do a more thorough check. For example has she or her H filed for D? What is her citizenship status? Are there any crimes esp fraud or scams in her or her H past or present? Does she have bankruptcy or other financial woes now or in past? The PIs databases are much more thorough than paid online services and it might be worth considering this...

[This message edited by whattheh at 5:29 PM, April 30th (Sunday)]

Linda my heart goes out to you! I am a bit older than you and found myself in a similar situation 2 years ago. I think my husband is finally starting to come to his senses (although it is not over yet). So there is hope - it can happen! The fact that he still wants to talk is a very positive sign. Do you have children and grandchildren? Any chance they can help influence him to get counseling?

I believe from what our marriage counselor said that my H went into a mid life crisis when considering retirement. He had always been a control freak and very self centered, but now I believe that has increased in NBS. I am also trying to get him into his doctor to test his hormone levels. I am trying to get him to understand that some of his problem could be organic.

I am doing this for our son as well, as he would like a rational Father. H would be easier to relate to if he was not in thus alternate reality.

I hate stories like this. What a mindfuck. This late in life too.

This site will get you through it, OP, but I just pray for your health and mental well being. Its not the way it's supposed to be after 42 years.

Are you sure he didn't lose his mind ?

You are acting decisively and I like that. Kudos to you Linda. Kudos to you

I have so much empathy for you. I too am older (71) and all I can say, what is it with these old goats. It does make me wonder if he truly is compos mentis. These cognitive degenerations can take many forms. (Love to you).

Hugs (((lindasjag))) My 40th wedding anniversary is May 7th. Not only are you dealing with current devastation, you are looking at a destroyed future/retirement. YOU are important. You need to take care of yourself and protect your future/retirement. Has he been lying to the IRS? I second the idea of a forensic accountant. He has money - you need to make sure you get what you are entitled to. I would also pursue telling the AP's husband. He has a right to know and it may affect his divorce settlement - and hopefully blow up their La La land. Do some research and find someone that can translate for you. Hang in there.

Saw my doctor today for anti depressant tablets to help me sleep. And called a new attorney to set an appointment. My doctor recommended a book on divorcing a narcissistic,very good information. I have read the first 60 pages.

Still feel I am on a roller coaster ride with emotions, but now realize this is normal from reading the posts on this site. I am so grateful for all your posts and do not feel as alone as I did.

I called my counselor I to set an appointment, I need to learn how to set boundaries.

Yup, Linda. My FWH I feel sure was hard hit by early retirement and mid life crisis mixed with depression. Our M was rocky for years before that, so it was the perfect recipe for vulnerability to the A. I went straight to our tax man and confided in him (he was also a family friend of 40 years), he gave me some good advice and info. To this day my FWH has no idea I did that. I also consulted two different attorneys, took a sister and a trusted friend along with me to take notes. I looked at bank and savings and credit card statements and found FWH had withdrawn $1,000 cash and bought a one year gym membership for the OW. If your WH does anything like this, in a divorce in CA you are entitled to get half back, as this is community property. When we R, I made sure he bought me an expensive car almost immediately, which he was eager to do to prove his commitment to the R. Protect your financial situation and find out from lawyer if there's a way to press an advantage re sale of the house.Empower yourself with knowledge. Hang on, lady.