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longforgotten posted 5/15/2017 01:02 AM

I have concerns that my stance could affect my relationship with my daughter but as they say, on bridge at a time.
That's exactly where she is heading right now. She is looking for a weak spot to attack and break you down. As you said earlier she is talking to your daughter, and now your daughter is questioning why you can't betray your morals and allow a cheating, lying, disloyal, and betraying woman back into your home.

You need to sit your daughter down and educate her on the realities of life. Your cheating wife is now desperate to protect her comfort of life. She will most likely stop at nothing to pressure you into accepting her affair.

As Western warned, you must strengthen yourself! She is soon going to be in your face crying crocodile tears and luring your daughter, her parents, and anyone else she can persuade to pressure you to accept her affair. Don't do it!!!

You are on the correct path, divorce. She knew how you felt about cheating. She did it anyway. Don't let her make an ass of you. You will regret it. You need to talk to your daughter and educate her on this issue. Tell her parents to deal with her, she's the cheat, and leave you alone.

You have handled this very well so far. Stick to your guns, and don't allow her to flip this on you. Because this is 100% on her. Stay strong.

DeWittle posted 5/15/2017 01:28 AM

I have agreed to talk after she provides a full written confession complete with timeline and details.
Wow, well I guess if you couldn't invoke the clause before, after she gives you the timeline you will. Momma said, stupid is as stupid does.

M1965 posted 5/15/2017 04:55 AM


I agree with longforgotten; there is a very good chance that your wife will use your daughter's feelings to try and manipulate you. I don't feel good for saying that, but desperate people do desperate things. You have done very well so far, by preparing carefully. It would be good if the discussions could focus on the relationship between you and your wife, but I cannot imagine that she will not bring your daughter into it.

Now is the time to do what longforgotten suggests; sit down and have a long talk with your daughter BEFORE your wife gets back, to explain what you are doing, and why you are doing it. She needs to understand that it is not about hating your wife, or punishing her, but that some relationships cannot survive when trust is destroyed.

Sharkman posted 5/15/2017 05:42 AM

I agree with longforgotten.

Communicate to your daughter the importance of health relationships, of trust, of having one's own invariable moral borometer, of the importance of making the right decision vs the easy one.

rambler posted 5/15/2017 06:12 AM

So you are giving hera week of being with her OM then come home so she can talk you in the to keeping her.

[This message edited by rambler at 7:11 AM, May 15th (Monday)]

Lalagirl posted 5/15/2017 08:50 AM

So you are giving hera week of being with her OM then come home so she can talk you in the to keeping her.

I don't think that's going to happen. JMHO

thatbpguy posted 5/15/2017 08:56 AM

I hope YHGTBKM sticks to his ideals. Not because I want to see her punished, but as M1965 put so very very well, it's about not losing ourselves by compromising our beliefs and values in order to try and salvage a betrayer.

I tried to R twice, compromised everything I believed in and stood for and I lost a lot of self respect and have changed so much I truly lost myself within me and am not near the person I used to be. Biggest mistake of my life. I wish I could have had some of the fine counsel that I see around here from people like M1965, Chamomile Tea...

Sanibelredfish posted 5/15/2017 09:04 AM

So you are giving hera week of being with her OM then come home so she can talk you in the to keeping her.

Are you familiar with the phrase, "Give her enough rope and she will hang herself." ?

I think that is what the intention is here.

Jduff posted 5/15/2017 10:28 AM

Yeah, since confrontation of the A I doubt the OM got any "sexy time" with the WW. If anything, I bet he's been the human handkerchief for all the tears and snot blowing that's been going on ever since and in between being a scapegoat for her poor choices. Poor Don Juan...thought he was getting an all expense paid fuck fest in Spain. God, I would have loved to been a fly on the wall to see how all that went down.

YHGTBKM, your story is one of the best examples of securing leverage before confrontation then using it to quickly progress forward out of infidelity. It may not feel like it, but your well planned exit strategy has helped you avoid a lot of the blame shifting, emotional abuse, pain and struggle many of us BS received from our WS soon after our own Ddays.

Once you do get that written confession and timeline, will a cleaned up version be eventually shared with your daughter and the in-laws? Wayward PR campaigns are the norm following a betrayed's own "declaration of independence". You know, I would also love to be a fly on the wall when she retains her own attorney who then explains how she is basically SOL on the situation.

thatbpguy posted 5/15/2017 10:32 AM

Jduff, I was more thinking he left her for home and mama/papa in Barcelona. He isn't interested in offering her emotional support. And she is probably no longer interested in him as she is fighting to keep her meal ticket and the 'tabooness' of screwing him is now over.

So I wonder...

[This message edited by thatbpguy at 10:33 AM, May 15th (Monday)]

GoldenR posted 5/15/2017 10:35 AM

No way they're not having sex there. You guys are giving waywards too much credit. They always think they're smarter. In this case, the thinking would be, "Well, we're here together in this hotel room. Why not one last week of hurrahs? And H will never know. Win win".

wordsofwisdom posted 5/15/2017 10:47 AM

What concerns me most about what are you facing right now is your daughter's reaction.

I didn't have kids when I divorced my wife, and can only imagine how hard it is to explain to a child that infidelity is a crime that is totally unacceptable in marriage. It is a damage beyond repair.

I wonder if an individual counselor or a close family friend could help you with this difficult mission to find a balance between too firm and too soft way speaking – without damaging your daughter's feelings towards her mother but also without giving her the slightest hope that things can go back to "status quo". And rest assured, your spouse will make this job much more difficult for you and your daughter.

Thanks for posting, YHGTBKM. You are a great inspiration for many of us here.

Jduff posted 5/15/2017 10:53 AM

Ah, that makes sense thatbpguy. I think you're right.

YHGTBKM, check your PM box.

Alonelyagain posted 5/15/2017 12:13 PM

On page 2, you mentioned that your daughter feels abandoned by her mother. Has your daughter, or you, mentioned to the other that your WW took her trip over Mother's Day?

[This message edited by Alonelyagain at 4:06 PM, May 15th (Monday)]

OrdinaryDude posted 5/15/2017 12:45 PM

Has your daughter, or you, mentioned that your WW took her trip over Mother's Day?


Ouch, that one has to cut deeply.

thatbpguy posted 5/15/2017 20:54 PM

I want to know how her trip went and what she has to say. This a compelling thread.

rambler posted 5/15/2017 21:04 PM

Bigger's 5/12 post is spot on. OP had knowledge of the affair and allowed it to continue and still allows it. With the right attorney WW may be able to invalidate the fidelity clause.

He should have not risked things and filed as soon as he knew. There is a term for this but it is referred as the forgiveness clause.

thatbpguy posted 5/15/2017 21:09 PM

Bigger's 5/12 post is spot on. OP had knowledge of the affair and allowed it to continue and still allows it. With the right attorney WW may be able to invalidate the fidelity clause.

I will respectfully disagree. I have let people burn their houses down after having knowledge of the probability of arson, but it doesn't invalidate any insurance clause.

"Suspecting" is meaningless. Unless there is "entrapment", the clause is still valid. And this isn't entrapment. Also, keep in mind they had already had sex before he knew about the trip and he also told her during the first leg of the trip he knew what they were up to.

No, his infidelity clause is as strong as ever.

Land of the Lost posted 5/15/2017 21:15 PM

Wordsofwisdom - I think you're very right.

YHGTBKM - you've done so many things right so far (okay, like pretty much everything). Just please think about how your daughter will process what you tell her. We always talk about how we as BSs can't "unsee" or "unknow" what we find out. Your daughter DOES need to know what happened, but I would absolutely insist that you talk to a family counselor before you talk to your daughter. You do not want her to hate her mother - she's half her, or probably perceives it that way - and you don't want her to feel like she has to take sides. I just know that divorce is very impactful on kids even when there are no obvious mis-doings going on; I can't imagine laying that truth at the kiddos feet when everyone is still so deep in the thick of things.

Please let a professional or two help you think about how to talk about this with your daughter, since it will be devastating. Sending you good everythings right now!

Sharkman posted 5/15/2017 21:29 PM

The guy runs a company and has been speaking to a lawyer since the first second.

The fidelity is as iron-clad as, well, iron

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