SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well, I am living day to day. Sometimes furious, sometimes sad. The glasses are a bit clearer as I am accepting that my WS was at least partially in love with this pos and was a willing participant in the EA and PA.

The anger has given me clarity.

At this point I undecided whether I want a future with her, but I can't just take this lying down either. It sucks because I want to make her suffer without hurting our possible future and the kids.

I'm leaning towards starting the divorce process , aligning myself towards independent life so I'm ready and she can see it.

She quickly came out of her fog and has been exceptional. I just can't take the shit sandwich and smile.

So I guess I'm in the anger stage mostly.

Thanks for everyone's posts.

I started reading no more mr nice guy. It doesn't really apply to me but have gleamed some good therapy from it.

Poly is happening next week. MC tomorrow.

Did you get the answers you wanted from the poly test back in May?

No. Not sure what the point is. She admits to EA and fucking him. What else matters?

Thanks for the update, GF. Sounds like you are handling things pretty well. I'm glad to hear you aren't rushing things as I believe that is a recipe for disaster. Give yourself the time necessary to make the decision that is best for you. Good luck.

Thanks for the update. That's a tough one, GF.

Well atleast she's kind of admitting it now, versus the quasi-rape/not-quite-wanting-to-do-it bullshit she was peddling before.

What else matters?

What matters is what you want.

Be clear on what you want and what you can get.

For one thing you can’t get revenge per se. I don’t know of a single poster here on SI that has ever gotten what one could consider acceptable revenge. You can’t get revenge.

Nor can you have your wife un-affaired. The sexual act took place, the betrayal took place. Deal with reality. Infidelity is all about fantasy – it’s your task to get into reality.

Nothing will happen out of nothing.

I think the absolute worst suggestion often passed around here is to wait for 6 months before deciding what you want. That’s IMHO an open account to do nothing. Instead I encourage you to decide where you want to be in 6 months.

Right now you might not know where you want to be but then it’s good to know that there are really only two paths available: Divorce or reconcile. If nothing else then spend some time now trying to understand what those two paths really mean, what the journey on either might be like and what is needed to set off on one or the other.

On the plus side then the first steps – irrespective of R or D – are the same.

You want revenge? Give her a taste of the 180 and get some D papers ready - you don't even have to file, if she truly loves you the mere existence of them will be a cold, hard, bitter pill for her to swallow.

If she loves you, the 180 and some D papers are going to hurt her deeply.

And if they don't, well that tells you where her loyalties lie.

Gator

You say she is being exceptional. Does that mean she is showing true remorse and working a plan to become a safe partner? If so that's at least something.

It sounds like you are understandably depressed. Are you in IC? It's probably beneficial to get a professional to help you work thru this if you are not.

I am not saying not to file or to file. Just hoping you can get some support for your own mental health after this assault you have experienced.

An update: I am laying in a hammock on vacation wondering if my wife is crazy.

She has flipped out on our kids for imagined slights and gets upset over the most minor things. I seriously think she might be going crazy.

FYI her mom is certifiable.

Is it possible she really doesn't want to be married anymore and that is why she allowed what happened and appears to be so unhappy?

I am so close to starting the process but want to be sure I'm not dropping the ball if this is her needing me . She appears to be so f'd up. This can't all be from being unhappy with me.

A bit lost.

At some point you have to ask yourself if you even want to go through the years that it'll take to recover..

Has she been like this for awhile or is it more or less this vacation?

Are you one billion percent that no contact has been maintained?

It has been a while since posting here and your story touched me a bit as it is almost the same as my friend whose wife cheated on him with a friend, his friend.

First I am not sure this still applies to the conversation, but i read that you wanted to confess at "failing the marriage" as she confessed her failings. These two things do not equate, we all have failures but cheating is on her and her alone. Cheating is not because you did x,y and Z it is 100% on her and she needs to fix herself before any marriage can continue. This affair was a process of decision after decision knowing she wast tempting the "line not to cross."

As for revenge, it is not worth it... the best "revenge" is to show you have moved past her if that is the direction you wish to take; to show a successful life without her basically.

If you wish to reconcile, revenge must be purged and you have to start at 0 and have nothing to hang over her head. She also must fix her issues that allowed her to take the road and decision after decision that lead to the affair and while in it.

hold strong... cheers

...

[This message edited by fancypants39 at 8:44 AM, July 28th (Friday)]

I agree that you have ask yourself if you want to go through it. You have to know that you can't fix her. On top of the infidelity is the mental issues . Just the infidelity alone is one steep mountain to climb. Add her mental issues and you're looking at mt Everest and you're sitting there in sandals and Bermuda shorts ready to go up.

It doesn't sound like she's anywhere near being a safe partner to you.

[This message edited by 1survivor at 1:30 PM, July 28th (Friday)]

Sometimes you just can't fix crazy.

GF,

It sounds like to me that something has happened. Either NC was broken, or something has triggered her back to that place. Maybe she had a walk down memory lane and it conjured up her "feelings" for him. Or maybe she is mourning the loss of that relationship. Or, she actually had some form of communication with him that made her miss it/him.

I think you're wise to notice this behavior. You haven't mentioned this, but ever since my DDay 3+ years ago I have a heightened sense of my WWs emotions and actions.

Welcome to the fucking roller coaster.

Gator

What have you two done to reconcile? Either of you in IC? What about MC?

So Sorry Gator. This sounds to me like she is dealing with a lot of guilt. I suspect there is more to come out and she is lashing out at the kids because of it. I had the pleasure of almost a year of TT. I wanted to believe everything she said, but I knew it was BS. My WW kept the City details from me, MC, IC, her bff until she couldn't hold the guilt any longer. Stay strong brother.

Unfortunately it sounds like she is having trouble withdrawing from having POSOM in her life. If she actually was in love with him, that feeling did not end overnight despite what she says. It could explain her behavior now. Not a good thing for your marriage. It means she was/is more invested in POSOM than you thought. You are being trickle truthed.

Gator,

It is hard to say exactly why your wife is acting that way. There could be a single reason, or there could be several.

The only way to find out is to ask her, and to get her some professional help. She doesn't sound happy at the moment, but there is nothing about her actions that points in a definite direction towards a possible cause.

NC could have been broken, and she may be frustrated that with you there all the time, she cannot communicate with the OM, but that is only a guess based on past history.

Perhaps the kids are just running her ragged.

There is no harm in telling her what you are noticing, and asking her what's up.