SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi guys, I'm new here. I found out about three weeks ago why my live in boyfriend broke up with me and of course it for another woman. A coworker to be exact. While I was pregnant with first child, he was telling another woman that he loves her while sleeping next to me at night.

I noticed him getting distant in January/February. I couldn't shake the feeling something was off. Taking his phone with him to shower and to use the bathroom, not going to bed with me and staying up late at night. Arguments over nothing.

I blamed myself for the end of our relationship. He said I had no control over my emotions and he didn't want our baby to be a witness to our fights. I fell into a deep depression. I didn't eat or sleep. He blamed me for not taking care of myself while I was pregnant. He made me feel guilty for feeling suicidal. I voluntarily checked myself into a mental hospital for help. My first night there unbeknownst to me, he was at the movies with this girl while I was feeling like my life was worthless in the hospital.

When I got out of the hospital, he said I could either stay in the apartment alone and he'll leave or I can leave. I left. Quit my job because I couldn't focus. I begged him everyday to take me back. I didn't eat or sleep. My doctor prescribed me xanax during pregnancy cause my anxiety was so bad. I lost 22 lbs during the entire pregnancy because I couldn't bring myself to eat. He blamed me for everything.

I eventually found out by going into his instagram account and seeing all the messages exchanged between this girl. It made me sick. I was right all along. He would've rather see me die then tell me the truth while I pregnant with our daughter. I emailed his boss about their affair and sent screenshots of the messages. They both got fired from their jobs. Getting revenge like that didn't touch what he did to me. What self respecting woman would pursue a man knowing his long term girlfriend was pregnant. What man would do this to someone he loved?

Two days later aftee finding out about his infidelity, my water broke prematurely at 32 weeks. I gave birth to my daughter via C-Section. I let him in the room. I let him get to experience a once in a lifetime experience when all he did was make my pregnancy miserable. My daughter is in the NICU now getting stronger everyday, being the little fighter she is.

How can a man see their precious child and live with seeing them every other weekend?

Four times a month and that's good enough for you? That's what kills me now. My daughter never had a shot at a two parent household. All down the drain for some office romance that probably won't last. He comes to visit her in the NICU every other day. The other days I'm sure are date nights with his new girlfriend. How can anyone put romance before respecting the mother of their child?

I cry everyday with the stress of my preemie daughter and dealing with this infidelity. He denies cheating on me to this day. Says it wasn't physical until after we broke up. We all know emotional cheating is way worse than any sex. And it IS cheating. The worse kind.

I just feel so broken. I went shopping at a baby store yesterday and saw all the happy couple's shopping for their baby and I was alone. I cannot share the joys of parenthood with my daughter's father. I sat in my car afterwards and just cried.

I known this was long winded. Thank you for reading.

-Alisha

Dear Alisha,

Your post brought tears in my eyes. I want to give you a big hug and tell you that you are going to get through this.

You are quite amazing and strong to go through this trauma during pregnancy which should have been the happiest time for you.

I know it hurts, and it will for some time, but you have your precious daughter to look after.

Lean on friends and family, ask for help and look after yourself and baby.If you can, find a good IC to help you heal.

There are many good articles in the Healing Library, left hand corner. A big, big hug to you.

Thank you, I really appreciate it. The kindness I've received from friends, family, and strangers has been eye opening. Even though the person that should've loved and supported me throughout my pregnancy did such a selfish thing...I am grateful that I'm not completely alone. My daughter and I will start a beautiful brand new life together.

My daughter never had a shot at a two parent household

no she didn't because you wrote - boyfriend...

and that is perfectly fine that you can forgive yourself the whole whirlwind screwing around and pregnant and the whole life plan was just a dream in your head

it is OK

you and your daughter will be fine and if that man-child wants to downgrade to sperm donor

let him

his loss

there are tons of amazing men who really get what it means to be a father and a husband

180 hard and you focus on you and your precious baby girl :-) you will be fine

do not do any version of the "pick me" dance because recovery at this point is all about you realizing the obvious

you don't need a cheating scumbag in your life

I cannot stress enough that you are fine to set your boundaries and if his emotional betrayal was a dealbreaker than accept and own that you and he don't have the same values and that is fine

you IMO got a huge wake up call to put the focus on the internal and heal you now so you can show your daughter healthy and happy comes from within

peace as you process

you got this :-) one day at a time

You were in a committed relationship and had every right to expect fidlity. Your bf gaslighted and blameshifted.

We lived together for three years in a committed relationship. We talked about marriage and saving up for a wedding. He said he "wanted to do it right". This was a planned pregnancy and had two miscarriages before with him.

I guess because he didn't marry me my daughter didn't have a shot at a unbroken home? I'm just a little confused.

The only reason your little girl didn't have a shot at a two parent home is because he's a jerk. No other reason than that. There are boyfriends that are faithful and loyal for many years. I have a friend who has been with her common law man for about 20 years. He never wanted to get married but he did but her a house and they share two boys. Don't feel bad for him being your boyfriend.

Hugs and ugly cry girl, you had me tearing up. Im so sorry. If you still love him and you want to say to your daughter that you truly tried everything, offer couples counseling for a set amount of time as the only possible chance of reconciliation

Unfortunately he wants nothing to do with counseling. Even before I told his boss about his work affair, I offered for us to go get counseling. Begged actually. Didn't want to do that. I guess he wants this girl badly to give up so much time with his daughter and the mother of his child. I guess he never really loved me. Maybe I was just a place holder.

Awo, take what you want and leave the rest, from the internet.

I am sorry someone made those comments. He should have ended your relationship and not cheated. He is an asshat.

I know...married or not, it hurts just the same since we planned to have a family and we built a home together. I appreciate your encouraging words, thank you.

I know it is hard and hurts now, but you can look your daughter in the face and tell her the truth. The grass is always greener, till you find out that grass don't mow it self. With a Baby in NICU, I know it seems hard to focus on anything but as soon as you can muster the strength, see about child support and how to get that process started

I apologize for any confusion

here's the question

what is marriage to you?

A legal license to...?

the ceremony?

the covenant before God?

This is the problem in our society IMO because the lines as to what define relationship, fidelity, maturity etc. have all been blurred to where the words don't mean the same thing

"he wants to do it right..." but that means adding a baby to the mix before a party to celebrate that you two made a vow to grow physically/mentally/spriritually with each other for life???

what does "do it right" really mean? And I only have what you write to go on... there was trying for a baby the whole time you are together over three years?

I simply meant to emphasize that you couldn't know what you didn't see = you don't know what you don't know...

now, from here on out, it is actions that speak loudest so do not listen to the words but look at the actions

It sucks he is a lying POS. He showed you what you needed to see = that his actions were not loving at all

So I am agreeing that this trauma sucks because getting what we thought was reality shattered into a million pieces like a bomb-explosion is soul-wrenchingly hard to come face to face with the fact

reality ain't anything like we thought it was...

and that can be very confusing

thankfully you have found the most amazing club you never wanted to join so read everything in the healing library, and just focus on healing you and taking care of your little miracle and you will survive and thrive through this trauma

He said he wanted to do it right by having a nice wedding, saving up for a ring...etc. I told him I didn't care about that stuff, that we could do it at city hall for all I cared...but apparently that didn't appeal to him. I don't think marriage wad ever important to him. His parents were together for over thirty years and never got married.

Learned today that his mother is on my side. She told me that she told him that she never wants to meet the "woman" he left me for And not to bring the girlfriend around her. He's a mama's boy so I'm sure it will kill this relationship that his mother doesn't approve of..All the factors including the new baby and all the lies and deceit this new relationship is built off will probably lead to its demise. I will eat my hat if it becomes anything lasting or meaningful.

I'm going to work on me and make sure my baby is raised in a loving home. I would love for him to come crawling back when the baby and are doing good and I can reject him like he rejected me. Just a little fantasy if mine...lol.

My advice is to ignore anything merida says.

I don't think marriage wad ever important to him

this is to me obvious - glad you wrote it out so read it and let it sink in... there was no meeting of the minds and that is OK

plenty of good, loyal, honest, hard-working and truly loving men exist and are attracted to good, loyal, honest, hard-working and truly loving women

sometimes it takes a knock on head to open one's eyes that reality/truth are better than a lie/dream

so you will be fine regardless and yes you give yourself your fantasy and whatever else you need to realize his cheating had nothing to do with you

you are an amazing woman and you focus on finding your warrior spirit and loving you and your little girl

keep the focus of the work on the internal and you be the change you want to be and that strength will shine through

BTW: editing to add if he gets his head out of his ass and grows up, you don't have to reject him (out of spite...) but that is going to take his behavior changing and a lot of time for you to see evidence that he is worthy of your trust which he may never be again and that is fine if cheating is a deal-breaker

just I want to emphasize you don't need to settle = you deserve to be married to a man, don't ever settle for less

[This message edited by Merida at 9:35 AM, May 15th (Monday)]

This is about infidelity, while in a committed relationship. There is no excuse. Please look in the healing library, look up gaslighting.

Your partner emotionally abused you. He is very typical of cheaters, making it about you. Please get std tested.

How is your daughter now?

(((Awo)))

You have been given great advice so far, and while I'm glad you're here for support, I am so sorry that you have to be here.

Please talk to an attorney - like yesterday - file for CS. And please, please get tested for STD's if you have not already. Anyone who places the mother of his child in danger by having unprotected sex is a monster (in my opinion). Know your rights and assert them.

Sending strength...keep posting...