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My husband has been going to individual counseling for the last 6 months or so, and recently he decided to take me along and turn it into marriage counseling, which his individual counselor not only agreed to, but also encouraged him to do.

Today we had our first session, I cried, and now I feel angry. I told her that I wanted my husband to write down and explain what happened rather then tell me (since he even refuses to really discuss his affair), and she immediately spoke on behalf of my husband without letting him speak first, and told me that "He will not submit anything in writing" in order to protect him from the Military. She also told me that she will keep the details on file as minimal and basic (meaning she will not enter any personal details such as his infidelity) as possible so the government can't come after my husband for infidelity, etc.

I feel betrayed, like two against one. She was very firm making it clear to me that my husband will not submit anything in writing to me, and that it was important to/for my husband that he protected himself first, and not make himself unnecessarily vulnerable to me - in case I decided to turn it in?! But I told her that I wouldn't, and I also told her that I didn't need him to sign the paper, just that I wanted the details of what happened since he has been lying, and avoiding talking about it, but she stood her ground and told me again, that he will put absolutely nothing in writing.

Am I overreacting?

Is this normal for marriage counseling. I have no idea, I just feel hopeless all over again about this situation.

I asked my husband to please switch us to another marriage counselor and he complained saying that the only reason I want that, is because she was on his side.

What is going on? Am I just this emotional wreck? Am I overreacting?

You're not overreacting at all.

Find a new counselor. Period.

Wow. She answered for him. That's WAY out of line.

Yeah, you need a new MC.

Walk out.

he complained saying that the only reason I want that, is because she was on his side.

Yep, that's exactly right. You've already put up with his excuses, you sure don't need to hear somebody else's.

[This message edited by twisted at 10:47 AM, May 26th (Friday)]

Take a stand. My FWW had an IC who encouraged her to withhold information and supported her distorted thinking. IMO you are never going to make it work with this lady. Cut strings now or you will likely regret it later. You also need to get your own IC so you can work on yourself and be there for your child. Infidelity can tear us apart, it did to me. I am on antidepressants and seeing my own IC and it has helped me DS has benefitted as well. Good luck and take care of yourself.

[This message edited by Allbrokenup at 11:17 AM, May 26th (Friday)]

I would find a new counselor. Our MC focuses on my H's problem, his sickness. I feel completely supported by our MC who works to help my H do what my H says he wants to do, change from a deceitful, betraying, dishonest and unhealthy partner to an honest, trustworthy one. He is works to help my H out of his emotional immaturity, anorexia, etc. You have been victimized, violated, abused. That is what betrayal does. You should feel any therapist you are spending your mone and time on is supporting and helping.

My H's IC is also our MC. I have my own IC. I actually find the dynamic very helpful. He can see us together which helps him have insight into the IC needsd. Our MC is very supportive of my H meeting my needs. That doesn't mean he never challenges me. I'm just saying that it is a dynamic that can work well depending on the C. He challenges my H, he doesn't protect him.

I would not like what you experienced. I fact, my IC asked me one day how the MC was doing. She wanted to know if I felt like he considered my needs and was an advocate for me. I was easily able to answer yes.

[This message edited by Jesusismyanchor at 11:42 AM, May 26th (Friday)]

Did th counselor advise him not to tell you or answer your questions, or that he should not put it in writing? There are rules that aply to the military that don't apply to the rest of the population.

Is your WH in the military? Is this a military counselor? Sorry, I haven't been following your story.

Look, careers aren't something to trifled with. The problem here is that your WH is only trying to protect himself, mainly from you. Who else would ever have access to this written confession? He's perfectly willing to betray your trust, but refuses to trust you. That's not going to work very well in R.

Of course, it's still your choice, you know. If a written time-line is a condition of R, then so bet it. You're not the first and won't be the last to insisted upon it.

He's not wanting to talk about the affair is the same selfishness, btw. He's trying to protect himself, his image, his ego, whatever.

Sorry you're going through this, Jayne, but you're going to have to put your foot down and take a stand one way or another.

Best wishes.

"He will not submit anything in writing"

You're the enemy and she's a wanna-be lawyer protecting her client. Screw that. You should absolutely not have an appointment with her again.

As for your husband, he will not take any risks with his career, but he took all kind of risks with his marriage. His priorities are clear. I'm really sorry.

MCs shouldn't be on anyone's side.

Our MC has made it very clear that she is very much for our marriage and if that means she is harsh on me or on him that's fine because the goal is our marriage being healed.

And she is also my IC and has said when I am there alone she is all in for me, but when we are there together she is all in for our marriage if that makes sense.

I wouldn't want a therapist who I could tell was on anyone's side during marriage counseling.

Perfectly worded messeslie

Not all counselors who are working with both partners are MCs as such who see their goal as helping the "marriage" but instead they are trained psychotherapists who are comfortable working with both partners either separately or together. They are trying to help both people. It's a tall and hard task but if it's going well then both partners feel support, both partners feel the experience worthwhile even if the M does not continue.

I would give some serious consideration to filing an ethics complaint on the MC...she is a disgrace.

Only had to read the title. That is a violation of professional ethics. NOT a good counselor.

Jayne,

I suggest you read http://www.dearpeggy.com/free-pdfs/help-for-therapists.pdf (citation OKed by mod) and send the link to this so-called MC.

If you ever see her again, ask her who she is serving. If she says your M, ask why she thinks withholding info is good for the M.

And then you bill her for giving her an education.

But not seeing her again may be the best idea. for you.

My W's IC became our MC. She confronted my W about 90% of the time, me 10%. If she were like the MC you saw, I'd have felt worse coming out than going in, and I think I'd have stopped seeing her pretty quickly.

(((Jayne)))

[This message edited by sisoon at 8:23 AM, May 27th (Saturday)]

It'd be interesting to see what would happen to her career if you told her boss.

I am able to see the counselors side. I am also a counselor.

Our MC is also our individual counselor.

My WH's affair was work related. (non military) He did not put anything in writing for the same reasons. Our MC supported his decision.

It doesn't sound to me like MC is telling him NOT to give you any information, just supporting the decision to NOT put it in writing. This really isn't bad advice.

HOWEVER, there are divided schools of thought about MC's not doing individual therapy.... and this is why.

In the case of military involvement, since the law was broken and the MC seems to have actively supported the coverup, they become an accomplice after the fact.

OP please don't go back, and please also put any talks of R on hold as long as he continues seeing this MC.

Thank you everyone for the advice.

One of my big problems is that my husband didn't answer the question about putting those things in writing, she answered for him. She didn't even give him time to answer, but immediately spoke up and made clear what was, and what was not going to happen here.

I asked my husband if he ever told her that he wasn't going to put anything in writing, or that his priority was himself, and he said no. He said that he never said anything like that to her, so I am very confused, as to why she would answer those things for him?

She is controlling this to make it go her way or to what she wants, and I don't understand if this is normal for a counselor.