SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi, im 37, married male with a happy marriage, great 2 kids (7 & 8 yo.) and life. Until now..

I will try to start from the beginning and i will try to keep it kind of short if thats ok. Prehaps i will add some to the story later on. :)

About 4 years ago i discovered that my wife sent a sexy picture to a coworker. This and a few other things led me to confront and expose her at the time. I was told she would end it and nothing more inapropriate would happen.

After this i was hoping everything was fine wich lastet about 3 years, when a few months ago I discovered alot of Snapchatting between the two. I was able to hack her snapchat and discovered sexing. Again i waited a little and decided to confront both of them when they agree to meet when jogging near his workplace (he changed workplace last year).

But I only managed confront her, because i came there to early.

She tried lying about it, but lucky for me shes a bad liar. She admitted the sexting after a one hour. The day after, she admitted they were beeing physical (random kissing, oral and petting) at work few months back. No planned activities was set and also no intercourse occured wich also was confirmed by OMs wife at a later time. Offcourse i grilled her plenty for this. Not that it matters that much..

I also exposed him to his wife (with newborn kid) and they are now in the same boat. I also recently met up with his wife to share story etc.. wich triggered a huge jealousy fit from my wife. I told her everything (expect for details). I was a little relieved that the stories pretty much matched up.

After this we have talked alot just trying to look at the reasons for this. Sexual fantasies, unsecurities, static marriage, kids.. We are trying to move on and a hopeful this will make us stronger. My wife have since D-day been depressed and shown me that she is willing to do everything it takes to fix our marriage. She swears she has nothing but love for me and is scared to loose it all. Im feeling its comes from her heart and have decided to give it another chance. As far as im concerned she did cop to everything i have found out. And no.. i havent told her about how i found out.

Everything came to me as a huge shock and im still feeling ill about it 3 weeks later. Its subciding but i still feel it now and then, and it regularly comes up in my mind. Im not that worried or jealous about the kissing and physical stuff but more of the lying and deception. Thats the worst..

Im not sure how i will feel later in life.. but this is my story.

PS: i wil probably read this post again and perhaps update my first post a bit just to get the facts right. :)

[This message edited by justanotherguy80 at 8:53 AM, June 22nd (Thursday)]

This is not a do-it-yourself thing she can fix on her own. She's a repeat offender. Without counseling your M is doomed. Not marriage counseling, that would be a waste of time/money at this point. First, she needs individual counseling to figure out why she's such a F'd up spouse hell bent on ruining the best thing in her life. You may also need counseling to help you with the rage that is sure to pop up now and then from this betrayal. Especially when she finally admits there was full-on sex and as often as they could arrange because considering her path so far, that's where it's heading.

If she's sincere then IC needs to happen as well as a timeline and full disclosure. Don't get hung up on the full honesty, you probably won't get it right away. If ever.

This is not a do-it-yourself thing she can fix on her own. She's a repeat offender. Without counseling your M is doomed. Not marriage counseling, that would be a waste of time/money at this point. First, she needs individual counseling to figure out why she's such a F'd up spouse hell bent on ruining the best thing in her life. You may also need counseling to help you with the rage that is sure to pop up now and then from this betrayal. Especially when she finally admits there was full-on sex and as often as they could arrange because considering her path so far, that's where it's heading.

If she's sincere then IC needs to happen as well as a timeline and full disclosure. Don't get hung up on the full honesty, you probably won't get it right away. If ever.

This.

Cincy is spot on here. Your wife is broken and she needs to find out why and then how to fix it. Only strong IC will do this.

But leave the door open for MC. It may be needed after IC gets going.

But my next issue is with you.

You need to realize she is 100% at fault here. You also need to think or you and the kids and what's best. I strongly suggest not coddling her and go to our library and see articles on the 180 and maybe get her some materials (from the lists) about how to repair a marriage as a betrayer. She needs to be held totally accountable. You need to work on you and your individual happiness.

Welcome to the club where membership is just thrust upon you. I'm sorry that you had to find your way here.

Some will tell you that they absolutely had to have had intercourse and matched up their stories just in case they got caught. Which is likely but not an absolute. I guess what you need to ask yourself is if you are ok this this possibility and able to get past it. Some are able to work through it and are able to Reconcile. Some are not. Most men that I have seen come here are looking for help to R, many end up in D.

If your WW is truly remorseful, willing to do what it takes to fix herself and help you heal, you have a chance. If she complains about you invading her privacy, TTs (Trickle Truth) you and basically tortures you by gradually coming out with the full truth, then its going to be a very hard road for you and R will not be possible. She needs to give you a timeline of the A, all details, no hidden truths, the while ugly thing. Then maybe you will have the full truth.

She has been hiding communication with him for years. How are you ever going to be sure she really is NC with him? A 4 year relationship with this guy with only slipping up twice for you to catch her. This a long term relationship between them. One she has been unwilling to give up. Probably has been more physical than she has let on. Cheaters cover their ass, they lie, they hide the full truth and they conspire with each other to keep their secrets. She is very good at deceiving you and living a secret life. She is also in love with this other guy and has been willing to risk losing you for him. Be sure you are seeing this all clearly. Her AP has been equally secretive and deceptive to his wife. If their stories match, that doesn't mean you have the truth.. This is a 4 year A. Plenty of time to plan and plenty of time to make sure stories match. Even when the A became inconvenient because of him finding another job, it continued, to her it was worth the effort.

I am not trying to be harsh, but like I said most come planning to R. A few are successful. You need to be aware of all of the possibilities. There is a huge possibility that you do not have all of the facts. Did she ever travel for work? Was he on the same trips? What opportunities seemed innocent at the time but could have been an excuse to escape together? There is a lot to consider before you jump into R. Take your time and think through it all...

Hang in there. The support here is very good, and there are a lot of good people who have been where you are. Some have successfully worked through R, and some have ended in D. Before you know which way you will go, You need the whole ugly truth.

She is lying to you. She was in affair for FOUR years. That is to long my man. You never had R because she was still having affair with him.

They had sex for sure. Do you think people stay togeter for 4 years just for kissing ???

Now you want another R and she is still lying !

You didnt have marriage for the past 4 years.She was married to you and other man.

My best advice for you is to divorce her.She is used to lying and cheating.

Next time she goes for joging she will go and see him.

[told her boyfriend's spouse] which triggered a huge jealousy fit from my wife.

shown me that she is willing to do everything it takes to fix our marriage. She swears she has nothing but love for me

These two statements do not make consistent sense to me. Can you articulate a little more so that we can help dig a bit deeper. it's important that we understand where she is.

Also, CONGRATS on exposure. You are 100% better than 90% of the people who end up here. We usually spend days going over the benefits of exposure as a primary means of protecting yourself. I'm glad that not only you did it but see first hand the benefits!

Is the wife of the boyfriend trying to reconcile as well?

No planned activities was set and also no intercourse occured wich also was confirmed by OMs wife at a later time.

Well at least they thought far enough in advance to get their stories in sync.

Either you or om's wife need to offer up a poly and you will more then likely see this story change...

They had time to work out the story...sorry.

Did she ever really end it from four years ago? Which may have been going on a good long time the first time you caught her. It is extremely common for cheaters to get their stories straight, so I put zero credence in your wife's no intercourse story, and the duped other man's wife verifying it.

I don't see how someone who was probably 5+ years in love with other man will just be all committed to you. More likely your wife has no other viable options. She could leave you, but she thinks staying is a better option. Maybe reputation, maybe financial, maybe she always needs a guy, but I don't see women in her situation (abruptly losing the one who shared her life with - other man knew her "real" her, all the secrets, all about her double life, for five years or so - and now she's just in your corner. Only by necessity.

I'm not saying you can't reconcile and be happy, I'm just saying you are not going to get there if you underestimate or completely miss her half of the equation.

Number one lie here is "no sex." Can you try to read here in other threads how only kissing" almost always winds up? Most of us have been there, we know.

Great job on telling other man's wife. That is the single most effective way to end the affair.

Ask your wife to hand write a no contact letter and give it to you to send to other man. No terms of endearment, just were done forever, don't ever contact me again, or I will consider it harassment, signed me. Two sentences. That is meaningless to stop contact, but many cheaters still love their affair partner so deeply they balk at it. See if your wife will do it.

Ask your wife to write down a timeline - when it started, when it got inappropriate, when and where and how and how frequent, when it turned physical, how frequent and where and how communicated, if there was I love you's when that started. Compare that to phone logs and whatever other evidence you have to see if it makes sense.

Ask her to get tested for STDs.

Who else knew? Did she confide in a friend? How did she cover her meetups?

Why did she love him? What qualities? What physical attributes? What personality attributes? Why do that to you? It's not like she made a one-time mistake. She got caught and went back for more. Or she never stopped. Why? What was her narrative inside her head of her life - how did she think of her life, why this was all ok?

What is your narrative in your head right now? If you had to write your story, how would you characterize your wife's feeling - loved you deeply and made a mistake? Didn't love me for awhile and now she does again? What are you thinking is the truth about her motivations and her feelings for you? What was her feelings for you before you busted her the first time you caught her? Do you think her feelings for you has changed now that you caught her again?

[This message edited by wk55hn at 12:58 PM, June 22nd (Thursday)]

Getting over this takes about 2 years if you get the truth and your wifectruly commits, and no more truth bombs blow up in your face. That's why important to take care of this dirty stuff now. It's easier to lay back and say she's sorry and won't happen again, but after aboutcsix months after the dust settles, old behaviors creep back unless they get fixed.

If you're starting to feel good a year from now and you find out a big lie she held, it's like going back to zero - even lower than zero.

Get it all out here now, both her and you.

No planned activities was set and also no intercourse occured wich also was confirmed by OMs wife at a later time.

All this means is the lovebirds are in collusion with each other. One lies and the other swears to it.

I also recently met up with his wife to share story etc.. wich triggered a huge jealousy fit from my wife.

You are mistaking jealousy for anger my friend. Your WW would like nothing more than for this to just go away.

As far as im concerned she did cop to everything i have found out. And no.. i havent told her about how i found out.

Your WW is merely agreeing to what you already know. DO NOT offer R until you know everything and decide you still want to R. It's a pretty safe bet that you are still being lied to. Keep digging. Never reveal your sources.

the stories pretty much matched up

Yes, because they talked to formulate their "confession".

Think about it.

The OM's wife isn't going to know for certain about any of it. She only has what her lying WH has told her. Just as you only "know" what your WW has told you.

Liars lie, cheaters cheat.

Don't take it at face value.

And I agree, I think it is very unlikely after four years that they never had sex. This is not logical or realistic.

I am sorry that you are here. The guys on this site will give you the male perspective and be very direct about things you need to consider.

Take what you need and leave the rest.

But truly, eyes wide open. I have a feeling that there is much more to discover.

Good luck.

So this has gone on for over 4 years, yet they stopped at oral sex? That's impossible. I guarantee you that they had intercourse, and a lot of it. You cannot R without the truth. Polygraph her. Make the appointment, don't tell your wife until you are in the car on the way. She will confess to more. Go through with the polygraph.

Justanotherguy

You mentioned that she is depressed since D-day. Is she depressed because you found out? Is she depressed because she can no longer be with him? Is she depressed because she cannot get the thrill and excitement of affair sex? Or is she truly depressed because of how badly she hurt you.

One observation is the length of the A. Four something years is a lifestyle choice for her. Choosing to lie and cheat right under your nose without any guilt. Creating a second life full of deceit and lies.

As difficult as it may seem, I would take off those rose colored glasses and take a good look at the women you married and loved.

I've already traveled your road and my WS spouse opened my eyes to who she really is.

I agree that you don't know the full truth unfortunately. Of course their stories matched up. That's what cheaters do when caught. 4 years and no sex? I don't think that's possible I'm afraid.

I'm sorry to be direct but I'm on your team and don't want you to get bamboozled. I would absolutely say you need her to take a poly. If she's been honest she'll leap at the chance, after all, she's remorseful and will do anything to save the M. Right?

Hang in there. Sending strength brother.

There is alot of stuff that i havent written about yet here.

Just to get the details out of the way; according to her and OM:

According to her it wasnt more than a friendly relationship with a sexual undertone. They rarely met up privately and they never met up to do "hook-ups".

They had about 20 sexual encounters were about 4/5 of them were oralsex (not to completion). All random encounters happened at work/office when everyone was out to lunch. She did admit they were close to having intercourse but they eventually backed out. They were afraid to cross that line and she was afraid of getting pregnant (i had a vasectomy years ago).

They met up once for jogging in a nearby forrest and while jogging they had a quick oral-session on eachother. This happened only once according to her

This is mostly it when i come to the physical affair net to the snapchat sexting.

So when i started to get suspitions this time around, i went underground and and kept a very close eye on all phone use, snapchat, activities. I had audio recoder in car, spycam. But I havent found one thing that suggests otherwise what im told. So i guess i can accept this story for now. In my opinion the oral encounters/kissing ect. were anyway bad enough and actual intercourse would not make any difference anyway. Believe me i have grilled her plenty about this.

There is some more details to the story but im feeling that i have most of it layed out to me. She says she does not care about OM and is only focused on fixing this again.

Im not saying i trust her, i cant be that naive. But I see she is genouinely depressed about what she has done and has been crying every day last 3 weeks and asked/begged for forgiveness about a hundred times.

I have kept my self relatively cold and unaffected towards her (doing a 180) until now.

I have come to the conclusion to give it another go, after alot of talking together and that the fact she gave up all information about the physical stuff voluntary. Im giving it another chance as i said and i feel im doing the right thing. Also Im not that jealous of a guy and im sure i can live with this behind me. Offcourse things wil have to change between us, hopefully a change for the best. Not sure how i will feel in 6 months or a year though. Hopefully she learned a importaint thing about communication that wil prevent this from happening again.

PS: pretty sure i misspelled alot of words, (English is my third language). :)

[This message edited by justanotherguy80 at 4:16 AM, June 23rd (Friday)]

Im not saying i trust her, i cant be that naive. But I see she is genouinely depressed about what she has done and has been crying every day last 3 weeks and asked/begged for forgiveness about a hundred times.

She's not 'depressed about what she's done.' She's upset because she got CAUGHT and is afraid you're going to boot her out the door. THAT'S what she's depressed about.

As far as im concerned she did cop to everything i have found out.

That's another 'cheater standard.' Admitting to ONLY what you know and can prove.

She's not unique in ANY way. In fact, she's so cliche it's ridiculous.

Her lies and minimizations are so typical that it isn't even funny. Unfortunately, it's the height of naivete for you to think that she 'must' be telling the truth just because her boyfriend lied to his wife and told her the same exact 'story' she fed you. Believe me, these two came up with an 'official' story they were going to tell their spouses and that's what they did. You and his wife got the same exact LIES and that's why the stories supposedly 'matched up.'

Look, I know you're new to this, but we've seen this happen with just about EVERY betrayed spouse whose come here. And we ourselves have pretty much all experienced the same thing - the lies, denials, deceit, gas-lighting, and the list goes on and on.

DAMAGE CONTROL is job #1 for both your wife and her OM. If you honestly believe the lies they're telling you (that they didn't have intercourse) then I guess they're doing their 'jobs' well.

Sadly, the time WILL come when you'll no longer be able to 'believe' the bullshit she's fed you, and you're going to be very angry when that happens. VERY angry.

I'll wish you luck but to be honest, until you have the ACTUAL truth, all you're doing is 'forgiving' a liar.

DAMAGE CONTROL is job #1 for both your wife and her OM. If you honestly believe the lies they're telling you (that they didn't have intercourse) then I guess they're doing their 'jobs' well.

Sadly, the time WILL come when you'll no longer be able to 'believe' the bullshit she's fed you, and you're going to be very angry when that happens. VERY angry.

I'll wish you luck but to be honest, until you have the ACTUAL truth, all you're doing is 'forgiving' a liar.

You may be absolutely right. I might not get the truth ever. BUT!.. Against me she is a terrible liar. A really bad one. Shes tried lies a few times and failed every single time. She might have been good at concealing but with snapchat and the physical stuff just happping at work this would not require alot of effort to hide.

Im not navieve with my head in the clouds on this one. I really dont think so..

.

Also when can someone feel to have the actuall thruth? Does one ever get it? And does it really matter if it has come the degree of infidelity in my case?

Thanks for the update by the way. I think it gives us a fuller picture and to know how things are going between you and her and the journey since D-day.

It seems like to me that there is genuine honesty and repentance. That is good. Now, I’m sure even though you may be saying it’s ok, on the journey like you yourself mentioned, 6 months from now you wouldn’t be sure how you feel, there will be doubts of thinking, “Has she really told all the truth?” and the reality is, probably won’t find out all the details and maybe the entire truth from the past. But that’s really not the problem here anymore. It’s trust matter.

Yes, I think what you said is right on. It wouldn’t have mattered whether she went all the way to having sexual intercourse vs. oral sex cause the heart of the matter doesn’t change the fact that she emotional had a full on sex with her and your trust of a one-man-woman was broken. Marriage was never God’s intent to be violated by bringing another person into that covenant bond. So I am terribly sorry once again for what has happened. It should have never happened.

Has she thought about IC and for you both an MC? That will probably help, and I will even suggest maybe for yourself as well? I remember when my wife went through a terrible tragedy in our own marriage life, I needed a professional help before my heart turned into bitterness and resentment not only in the marriage but all the sphere of influence that I had around me.

I hope this is helpful. Praying for you my friend.

I don't think its wrong to want to try and R. As long as you are going into it with you eyes open to the other possibilities, and I think you are. Everyone who attempts to R has to accept certain things and try to work past them.

She definitely needs IC. She needs to learn how to set boundaries and understand why she let it go this far and why she chose to continue the A for so long. She has work to do.. Please don't just sweep this under the rug and not deal with the issues.