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Filed today......because I knew she never would. I barely made it out before I started sobbing. Life is changing faster than I want it too. At least today I learned she detached from us over a year ago just didn't get the courage to cheat until this May. Finally talked to me though as to why she went outside the marriage; sounds like us divorcing was inevitable.

Tough day, Fishman. But you are actively taking steps to get further from this mess. Hang in there🐟

Fish, you have taken a tremendous step. Wishing you strength and peace of mind. Take it one day at a time.

Have you told her you filed?

I hear you fish,

I'm in IHS as well - it's sometimes very hard.

I've had to

Detach

Detach

Detach.

I stepped back and away.....

No more questions,

No more arguments

I try not to even look at STBXWH, let alone talk to him.

The 180 is your friend.

Peace and strength to you Fishman.

MOB

She knows now....next step is telling the kids which will be the hardest part for me. Their life is going to change drastically and they won't have a say.

Oh Fishman I can empathise

IHS is difficult even when it is necessary. I've been at it for over a year now and have decided to D.

We told DS on Friday, we are lucky he's 26 and married. He took it well. He knows we have had problems. I suspect he knows a lot more than we realised. He said he just wanted us to be happy and if that meant lives apart then he was fine with it. I'm so proud of him. How WH and I managed to produce such a well balanced human being from the shitty marriage we had is difficult to understand. I guess we got something right.

Kids need love and he had plenty of that growing up. I hope when you share your news the kids are OK. Tell them you love them. Tell them you always will and keep telling them. Strength to you and the kids. Tough times but you can get through them. we are here for you.

One thing I noticed was that as I began to detach more and more from my STBXWW, the more attached I became to the kids. I pay attention more. I see their frustration and sadness underneath some "Not all" of their acting out.

I've been able to be in good place with them, not some sad shell of a devastated man. They call me Dad and I call them my bros. They look up to me, and love to be with me. This D is hard, but it's going to hopefully bring my son's and I closer. I'll have to prove to them they are worth it, and prove to myself i will do whatever it takes to be in their life.

Now is the time to find yourself Fish. Maybe you lost yourself along the way, but use this period of discovery to be the best version of yourself possible. I know that's tough considering the circumstances. I'm right there with ya.

Separation is a huge financial burden. But it's SOOOO much better than being trapped under the same roof with someone who does not love or respect me.

Boot her out. Nobody would blame you.

After tonight it has come to that. If I have to hear that she doesn't want to hurt me one more time.....

My main problem right now is I feel so unwanted and unneeded. How does everyone cope with that feeling? I mean she said she detached years ago and has been living a lie. I have to detach after she's gone which is much harder for sure.

My main problem right now is I feel so unwanted and unneeded. How does everyone cope with that feeling?

Unwanted, unneeded and discarded like trash... Yep, right there with you, ((fishman)). I'm so sorry. The worst part of being betrayed by infidelity is realizing that while you were fully invested in your M, the WS had one foot our the door the whole time. Your life together was an illusion and you were in love with a hologram. It's incredibly painful, for sure.

Some helpful things I can suggest are these:

* Spend as much time as you can with people who love you: kids, family, friends who you know have your back.

* Exercise helps: I literally walked my way out of serious depression that first year after DDay.

* Volunteer: helping others and giving back to your community are good way to feel needed and feel like your life is worthwhile. It also helps to know that other people are going through hell, too, and that we all get out eventually.

*Practice self care: do something small everyday that makes you happy, or that you enjoy.

* SEPARATE! As soon as possible! There was SOOO much relief in not being under the same roof anymore. Like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. There really is no way you can begin to detach until she is gone, and even then you will probably feel ambivalent for a long while.

It does get better, I promise.

Well the kids reactions were mixed. My oldest cried a lot; found it difficult to understand. My youngest didn't seem to care much which I thought was weird. I'm sure when it's said and done and we are shuffling them around and they only see us each every few days it will be harder. I'm sure it hasn't really sunk in.

Now telling my mom and my sister.....that was rough.

I feel like I'm the only one who is thinking clear in this entire situation. Like I'm the only one who fully understands the gravity of the situation. Anyone else ever feel that way?

[This message edited by Thefishman37 at 12:18 AM, July 16th (Sunday)]

fishman,

My main problem right now is I feel so unwanted and unneeded.

I feel you on that one.. Very tough to get around. How old are your kids?

Squid,

Kids are 12 and almost 11. When the dust settles it will be hard for sure. You know I spend more time with my kids by circumstance and just because I want too. It's going to be rough; you know I cook almost all the meals for our family and I'm going to miss that more than anything. That was always my kids and I thing to plan our weekly menu and then do that together. It will be different planning just a few meals a week. Amazing how much your life changes because of someone else's selfishness.

Amazing how much your life changes because of someone else's selfishness.

I know. My WW is giving me primary custody of our 2 DS's ages 12 and 17. DD18 goes off to college in the fall. It's going to be a very different home when everything gets settled. Frankly, I'm worried I can't handle it all. I too cook a lot. WW was always on point with the house chores. Still is. I feel like everything is about to fall apart. I don't want the house to turn into a mess while I'm trying to raise 2 boys into young men.

Thefishman37, the below quote is from earlier on in fact your second post.

Unfortunately I can't move out. We live in a house that is a requirement of my job. She could leave but has no where to go nor does She want everyone to find out until it's final. We are filing monday.

Which means we could have 60 days of this. I'm going to have to be scarce when she's home. It's the only way we will survive. Because she doesn't care at all. I knew it would be hard; keeping my shit together and keeping my mouth shut is going to be hard.

Ok I get it that you can’t move out because of work commitments, so that means she has to be the one to move out, but she does not want to, tuff shit on her just because “SHE” does not want people to find out until it’s final, now “SHE” expects you to hold your tongue on her cheating on you, deceiving you for years and all the while you thought you had a good marriage, not to mention what “SHE would/has been doing to the children when it all comes out.

Now that you have told the children, just out of interest did you do it together or just by yourself, and would you say “SHE” still wants to keep everything quiet, for you not to expose her for the selfish woman she is.

So now I say expose her to her family, your friends, you already have to your own family I believe, also expose to anybody else you think should know what a vile person this woman really is.

Another quote from you

Life is changing faster than I want it too. At least today I learned she detached from us over a year ago just didn't get the courage to cheat until this May. Finally talked to me though as to why she went outside the marriage; sounds like us divorcing was inevitable.

I would take her saying she waited till May of this year before she cheated on you with a pinch of salt, cheaters rarely tell the truth, in fact you say you found out through talks with her it was years ago not over a year ago (there is a difference here) when as you say she said she detached from us, I take it you mean the children as well when you say us, I think she has probably been cheating on you all this time, and probably thinks explaining it this way will make it easier for you to digest, instead of admitting to cheating on you for all those years, because you only have just found out about it, none of this is your fault, she had the opportunity to talk to you first if she was unhappy with the way things were going, instead she took the easy way out/option, not facing up to and talking to you about the marital problems, she decided to cheat on you all instead.

So you thinking divorce was inevitable is/was not strictly true, but it is now though, through what she did, and that’s down to her, so now she has to face up to the consequences of her actions, like I said at the beginning, “TUFF SHIT ON HER”.

Regards BJE49

[This message edited by BJE49 at 10:51 AM, July 17th (Monday)]

Ok so I asked her leave....go some where temporarily last night. She informed me she lost her job. She was asked to quit or be fired. She quit. Also found out that the guy she was talking too as a friend was just what I thought it was. An EA even though she said it wasn't....we just sexted back and forth.

She then asked if reconciliation was still on the table.

I just want this to be over.

Hang in there,Fishman. It will end and your true healing will begin. You've been doing great.

Totally sucks -I get it. We all do.

Sending strength.

Thefishman37

Ok so I asked her leave....go some where temporarily last night. She informed me she lost her job. She was asked to quit or be fired. She quit. Also found out that the guy she was talking too as a friend was just what I thought it was. An EA even though she said it wasn't....we just sexted back and forth.

She then asked if reconciliation was still on the table.

UNF*****G BELIEVABLE, how their minds work!

BJE49