SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

10 days ago, my wife and I both admitted that we had cheated. Yeah, there was wine involved and just a sudden moment of truth that I don't think either of us was expecting.

19 years ago, 6 months after we were married, a girl in college who was modeling for my photography business leaned in on me and kissed me while I was setting up the next shoot and put my hand on her breast. I seriously, immediately turned her away and asked her to leave. That was my only weak moment in 19 years of marriage.

She then told me that 4 and a half years ago, she had a very different event. She had a group of friends that she trusted over to her hotel room (we both travel full time for work) and after a bunch of tequila and wine, everyone but a friend she thought was safe to hang out with, left. She describes a few memories of the event but swears to me after repeated asking, that she doesn't remember the actual act of sex, but knows it happened because of circumstances the next morning (naked in bed, etc). She claims black out drunk - and trust me, I have asked and begged to know everything, just so I can stop IMAGINING what happened... the movies in my head are killing me.

She tells me she has done float sessions to remember what happened with no avail and spent hours meditating on it just to peace memories together and can't.

Do I believe her? She literally falls down bawling every time I push to know details and promises me she's told me every single thing she remembers.

She fully admits my event was drastically different and yes, I do know and realize that an event, is an event - no matter what... but I consciously chose to reject action and she claims she had no control over her actions; she just "knows" herself when she's drunk and is sure it was what it was.

My biggest stress right now is that she's not telling me everything she knows because she's afraid it will hurt me so badly that I'll leave her. I won't. I do believe it's the only thing in our marriage that ever happened and I believe her shame and guilt. We are seeing our first counselor in 4 days and I really hope that helps to start healing.

She HAS offered to take a polygraph.

Can anyone lend perspective on all of this? I feel like my heart rate is constantly way up, I'm not sleeping well and all I want to do is make love to her over and over again, but I see his face... I love her so damn much. Am I being co-dependent? TOO co-dependent?

Also, I want to contact the AP and ask him his side of the story. She's begged me to leave him and his family out of it. Should I? He's married also and I don't want to ruin their marriage, but I have to freaking know what happened!? I feel like this is so sick... but :(

Anything... please just help.

[This message edited by rivendell74 at 12:07 AM, July 8th (Saturday)]

she's begged me to leave him and his family out of it.

You need to talk to his wife immediately.

1. Wouldnt you want to know?

2. It is your ethical responsibility

3. It is how you find out if her story checks out

4. You must do this without telling her you are doing it

5. If you tell her she could warn him

6. If she finds out without you telling her then you know they have been communicating in secret

7. It is how you heal. By asking you to stay away from letting her lover's wife know she is prioritizing his well-being over yours.

I'm so sorry you find yourself here with us. The anxiety is awful. I know. Hugs to you. I understand fighting the mind movies and imagination that runs wild. You don't deserve this.

My IC told me that my H was most likely telling me the truth if he didn't fight me about contacting BS or AP. If he tried to protect AP or info that would not be a good sign. I'm so sorry. I'm just passing on her perspective.

C can really help if you get with a good one that knows how to deal with Infedelity. It had been a hard road but I feel I have the truth and it has been very helpful on our journey.

I wanted to edit to add that it is hard not to be some level of co-dependent after a long marriage right? I still love my H too after 15 years and 3 kids. You don't just up

and turn that off one day. I get it, but I also refuse to be lied to, the truth minimized or gaslit. . You will need the truth to move forward and try to heal.

[This message edited by Jesusismyanchor at 12:10 AM, July 8th (Saturday)]

She's begged me to leave him and his family out of it.

Red flag here.

It could be that she just wants to avoid the embarrassment of being exposed. It could also be that he will reveal more than what she wants you to know. Perhaps she started the flirting. Perhaps she said something negative about you to him.

She may think she can beat the poly. And she might. Drunken half-memories are hard to confirm.

And I doubt he was as drunk as her. If he was he probably would not have been able to maintain an erection.

In any case contact the OM's wife. It's the right thing to do. If she had fond out first you would want her to tell you right?

And one more thing. If you are going to stay with her no matter what that's your choice. But DO NOT tell her that. If you do you lose your perceived leverage. And you need that leverage to get the truth.

I'm going to be the odd man out here. I struggled with the idea of telling the OBS. I came to the conclusion I had to because we are all very close friends, and the A had been happening for 3 years.

If this was a ONS type event and you don't know the OBS well, you have to think of your motivation for telling. Are you trying to hurt WW or OM? Is it a feeling of revenge? How do you know OM and OBS have worked through it or not. Are you ok knowing you may have potentially hurt another marriage (not that you did anything wrong, you didn't do the deed). It's a lot to weigh. Really think of your motivation.

Please tell the OBS Now!

Red flag that she doesn't want you to hurt him or his family.

He could be a serial cheater, and this would be the one that gives her the truth.

This could also be more than one night. Cheaters and liars minimize, not to protect you but to protect themselves.

If this was a ONS type event and you don't know the OBS well, you have to think of your motivation for telling. Are you trying to hurt WW or OM? Is it a feeling of revenge? How do you know OM and OBS have worked through it or not. Are you ok knowing you may have potentially hurt another marriage (not that you did anything wrong, you didn't do the deed). It's a lot to weigh. Really think of your motivation.

Motivations aside, what is at the foundation of any decent relationship? Trust and HONESTY.

As of right now, to your knowledge, the other man's wife is the only one out of you four that has no inkling of what happened. She deserves truth. How she handles things from that point forward is entirely on her.

What if the other man is a player?

What if the other man has STDs?

You just don't know....nor does this other man's wife.

Let her know. Motivations aside, it is still the right thing to do.

But back to your story---infidelity four years ago? And your wife has gone through efforts to get to the truth WITHOUT informing you?

Welcome to SI. Advice will be coming your way.

I don't get it

Why wouldn't she let you (and here's where you're in trouble doesn't she shouldn't be allowing you to do anything, you're not in charge of this situation so you're automatically at a disadvantage)

But as to why I don't get it..

You're wife on one hand might have outright cheated which means the spouse should know

on the other hand

She was black out drunk meaning she might have been raped, as a husband wouldn't you be furious about that? And if it's this guy's mo then he could be doing it to other women..

and

You need to get checked for STD's, your wife might have had unprotected sex with this man meaning his wife could/most probably has been exposed, a cut on the hand might expose other people, children etc.

No room for timidity or fear, literally people's lives might be at risk including your own.

Also, I want to contact the AP and ask him his side of the story. She's begged me to leave him and his family out of it

She may be afraid that her blackout drunk story may have some additional chapters once the OM tells his side

Also if she was black out drunk and doesn't remember anything but knows she was banged by her trusted co worker than it almost comes across as rape, and she should have reported it to the authorities immediately, informed you of the facts and put this guy in his place. You would think she would be really pissed off at the OM.

Instead she is protecting this guy and his family while yours imploded. Contact the OM's W and let her know what a peach she's married to.

Sending strength my man

[This message edited by notanotherchance at 9:46 AM, July 8th (Saturday)]

We are seeing our first counselor in 4 days and I really hope that helps to start healing.

She HAS offered to take a polygraph.

It is much too early for MC. You don't even know if you got the whole story yet. I would accept your WW offer to take the poly. Some VERY strategic questions could really enlighten this for you.

Also contact OM"s wife. Do NOT tell your WW you are going to do this. If her story is fabricated she may warn him.

Thanks so much for the initial feedback and suggestions.

I am really hoping to hear back from people who have survived with marriages intact, because that's what I/we plan to do.

off to work, but will be checking in regularly

:(

Don't talk to the AP, talk to his wife!!! And under no circumstances let your wife know that you're doing that.

You won't be ruining her .marriage by telling her. Her husband already took care of that by sleeping with your wife. Telling her is just letting her know what's going on in her world.

It's rare to get the full story right out of the gate. Be prepared for some additional information.

It is very possible to heal the marriage. It takes hard work from both of you. This is brand new to you right now. You're going to go through a lot of emotions in the next few months. It takes time to get through this,so hang in there.

The AP and his wife have 2 young children. What do I have to gain by ruining their lives? Really, I want to know, because when I do and my wife finds out I have, I have to reckon with that.

Plus I have already messed it all up by telling her that's what I want to do - literally 2 days after finding out, I was like "I'm going to message the wife and get this out in the open" I did search her (brand new) phone and his name and her name were not in the contacts in any way or combo. I really think it was a one-off event and that it was the alcohol that tipped the scales.

Honestly, I am just feeling like I'm going crazy. I have no **9oing idea what to do. I truly do love her and don't want to lose her :/ No bullshit.

Stupid browser, double posted

[This message edited by Damasithymos at 2:10 AM, July 9th (Sunday)]

Start with the healing library in the yellow menu on the left.

Consider some books like: How to help your spouse heal from you affair and/or post infidelity stress disorder.

Before contacting OBS, rehearse your statements and any questions you have. Be prepared to listen to their pain.

Sorry to see you here with us.

[This message edited by Damasithymos at 2:11 AM, July 9th (Sunday)]

Check for his number under a different name.

Look for apps that have a messaging feature like words with friends, Snapchat or any of that type.

My wife setup a fake gmail account, which is eventually how I caught her red handed.

As far as informing the OBS, it's only the right thing to do. You aren't destroying his marriage, he's already done that!

The OBS in my case had caught my WW texting her H, but never told me.

When I found the two emailing, I immediately called and texted the OBS. I was accused of making it up. I was never believed until my wife actually informed the OBS about the last time her H tried to contact her and was suspended from the police force.

I wish I'd have known about the original contact. Maybe, I'd have been on my guard sooner. The OBS didn't give me that option.

Don't take that option away from the OBS in your case.

Does your wife drink to the point of not remembering very often? Has she ever/often gotten so drunk with you that she wouldn't remember having sex with you?

I ask because the way she explained things and the way you've written it... it very well could have been a drugged rape. It sounds like she wants to remember in order to understand what happened but can't... It also sounds like she has tried to forget about it but can't.

We had a poster a long time back that's wife confessed to a ONS the day it happened and was totally destroyed about it. She didn't understand how/why/ or what really happened. The husband later found out that she had been drugged...that they guy had done it to several females.

If this is out of character for your wife. Meaning she doesn't drink to excess often, she doesn't have bad boundaries...

I'd ask her questions about how much she remembered drinking, how much others were drinking, how he was behaving prior, after...

I would also contact the OBS, let her know this happened. I wouldn't contact the OM.

Her drinking that heavily is not on a regular basis. I mean, most of us have too much to drink from time to time. She does have a tendency to really do it up though. Once she hits a certain point, it gets out of hand.

She has only not really remembered having sex with me once in our whole 19 years... and that was in college.

She did tell me that she had a very similar experience to this when she was in high school and still to this day has no memory of what actually happened, but woke up naked with grass stains on her back, etc.

There is no STD issue. There was no "physical" evidence of sex in the room or even on her... no residues, no condom, no nothing. She remembers toplessness, being on top of him (unsure if pants were on...) and then rolling over. The next thing she remembers is waking up naked in her bed and sitting on the toilet crying for an hour.

Last night she finally came around to potentially allowing confronting him about it to try to get some answers. I don't know if that's a good idea or not. She wants me do the confronting, but she's still begging me not to talk to his wife just for the sake of the kids - whom she grew to really like when she knew them those years back.

It's all adding up to a one event issue and it f'ing sucks. It's eating me alive, but I'm really having trouble directly blaming her since it started out as a group party and she was left by her other friends in a dangerous situation. Was it drugged rape? I don't know... but was it taking advantage of a highly intoxicated person? Most likely... the only thing I can say here is when she's been drunk with me in the past (really drunk) she does get VERY aggressive about sex and really turns it up to 10. If she was really that drunk and not aware of what she was doing, I could see her being like that and even her brain somehow thinking it was me in a messed up way... I don't know what to think anymore :/

I really appreciate the responses so far - especially by those who are NOT driving me to leave her no matter what. There's no pattern here and absolutely no evidence of anything else ever happening.

I have raided her phone, computer, everything.. no snapchat account, I recognize every single contact in her phone, there's no weird gmail account. It's all adding up and it's just the worst nightmare I've ever had.

:/

[This message edited by rivendell74 at 8:12 PM, July 9th (Sunday)]

You can get an STD from oral sex. She needs to be tested. She remembers enough to know she was naked in a room with him, on top of him, and doesn't know if pants were on.

You both need to be tested. And so does his wife.