SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It can be worth it IF you do itte right way. What you are doing right now... no. It will not be worth it because you are basically not doing anything g to change your situation.

Frankly all you are doing right now is wasting time, energy, hurting yourself and others. I think I made the comment before... you did not decide to be here. Your wayward forced infidelity I to your life. Staying in infidelity is 100% on you... at some point you have to take personal responsibility to get yourself out of it.

The destination is not divorce or reconciliation... The destination is getting out of infidelity. Divorce and reconciliation are just the different paths you take to get there and honestly they both are painful and hard.

Right now you are just sitting in limbo. That is worst possible choice. You seem determined to do things your own way despite the mountain of experience and advice being given to you... And that is your absolute right.

At the end of the day you have to make your own decisions and live with the . Right, wrong, good or bad... you have to live with the consequences of your decision. Your wayward forced you into this... but at some point if you decide to rug sweep and stay here. The additional pain, frustration and hurt is all your own choice.

I remain hopeful that you will start making the decisions and taking the action you need to, to get yourself out of infidelity and start healing. Best of luck.

Do you have a gps tracker in her body? You do know she can just leave her phone somewhere right?

Uh, yeah... my experience. It sucks to find out not only cheated on but duped laughed at when leaving the phone behind.

Please watch a movie The painted veil. I believe it will help you to see what you have done wrong.

I have to say I think your logic is totally flawed, that is:

- I will not inform OBS because that will be the end of my marriage as the revelation will hurt my wife who will subsequently divorce me. I will, therefore, do nothing.

- My wife does not want me to inform OBS as she will then be exposed to ridicule in the community, so she will divorce me as a means of punishment. I do not want a divorce, nor do I want to hurt my wife, therefore I will do nothing.

Where in this scenario are you out of infidelity? She is likely lying to you about the PA; she is not remorseful as no-one could act that way who is remorseful; she cares for her own feelings more than yours even though she was the one that betrayed you and/or she cares for the welfare of the AP over your welfare and is prepared to divorce you to maintain the status quo of ongoing infidelity. The fact she is not seeing him at this point in time is irrelevant. Once you acquiesce to her demands, you will lose her respect and your self respect and you will not have a marriage worth saving.

I am usually all for reconciliation if possible, this cannot happen in these circumstances. Please listen to all the advice you are getting and reconsider your position, for your own future peace of mind.

still kicking.

started MC. that sure was fun. im not allowed to talk about the affair anywhere but with the MC. THAT was the MCs advice for now.

i did find out that my wife was the one that arranged the trip that they went on. that felt awesome to hear.

im really only here to vent today but im sure it will evoke many responses. also, id like to say that at this point, i may almost be willing to concede that immediately implementing the 180 might be the right call. what im going through, albeit i believe it is somewhat working, is FUCKING miserable.

we have fought and argued more in the past 2 months than i have collectively argued with everyone ive ever argued with in my life.

i hate it.

You hate it?

Then quit being a doormat and take action. Your WW, is calling all the shots, and now you find out she arranged the trip to be with him. Your MC needs to be discharged. Minimizing. You need IC not MC.

Take your rose coloured glasses off, and book the polygraph.

Quit being a coward and tell the OBS.

If you want to save your marriage with your controlling, lying wife, then you must be willing to lose it. She has you wrapped.

It's time to put up or tuck your tail.

Which is it?

[This message edited by Killian at 8:58 AM, August 24th (Thursday)]

MC is such a mixed bag . Mostly they want to see couples staying together no matter what. Your wife not wanting to talk about the affair only in mc is not good. She has placed her comfort and healing way above yours . She is essentially calling the shots and has all the control. Sorry , but no woman is worth living with that kind of pain.

Of course you are. That's because you have refused to lay down any consequences and have become a doormat for your wife.

Until she sees consequences to her behavior and you start taking action, she will continue to feel that she has the upper hand. The result? Arguing with you. Being unsympathetic to your feelings. In general, not being remorseful.

You have made a conscious decision to sidestep the recommendations made here. These are recommendations based on years of experience and thousands of posters. Rugsweeping NEVER works. Oh, you may get some additional time with your wife... maybe even a few years. But it WILL fester under your skin and erupt one day - or, even worse, manifest itself into another affair by your wife.

So, to be quite frank, while I support you as I do everyone here, I just don't feel all that bad for you. You have refused to ACT. You have refused to stand up for yourself.

What else can we say to help you?

"I hate it".

You have been given some UNBELIEVABLE advice, and it appears that you haven't acted on ANY of it thus far.

People are reaching down into this horrible hole you're in, and offering to help pull you out of it (while the hole continues to get deeper and deeper). What you're basically doing is slapping away hands that are being extended to you out of concern for YOU!!

Instead of being hard headed why don't you listen to these people. You want the pain to go away? Doing nothing only assures that the pain you're in will remain, and the sad thing is it WILL ONLY GET WORSE as the days go by.

How you're handling this ISN'T WORKING!!!

If one of your children were in a situation and they kept doing the same thing to try to change things and kept getting the same result wouldn't you advise them to try something else?

You stated in one of your earlier posts that you're ALL about teaching your kids HONESTY and TRUTH.

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE YOUR OWN ADVICE as NOTHING about your situation says honesty and truth.

You say you love your kids and will do anything for them and to keep your family together. What you can't see (and everyone else can) is the more you continue to stand pat and do nothing and allow your wife to call ALL THE SHOTS and continue to lie to you and take NO OWNERSHIP for what she's done (and get real Tpain no matter how long you want to stick your head in the sand she DEFINITELY had sex with OM) your family is drifting away from you and it's NOT because of what your wife DID DO but rather what you DIDN'T DO!!

So PLEASE WAKE THE F UP AND LISTEN TO THESE PEOPLE AND STOP BEING SO DAMN AFRAID OF EVERYTHING.

we have fought and argued more in the past 2 months than i have collectively argued with everyone ive ever argued with in my life.

i hate it.

You can get off this soul-crushing roller coaster anytime you like. You staying on it and going through all this pain is your choice.

im not allowed to talk about the affair anywhere but with the MC. THAT was the MCs advice for now.

Who's is charge of this circus? You are. Not sure why you are in MC right now, or that the MC is thinking, but I think they're nuts. The MC is trying to save the marriage when I don't think you've made that decision yet.

I see this ending one of two ways. At some point there will be the straw that breaks the camels back and you will see the light, get fed up and take charge, make your demands and stick to them, and fully understand that is your life, your terms, your conditions and boundaries, or she can get the hell out of your life.

Or, you will finally crash and burn in a spectacular explosion of despair and depression, a pitiful sight for all to behold.

Which direction are you headed?

It's only going to get worse. You've made your choice though.

I think everybody is getting a little bored with watching them pull mangled bodies out of this train wreck. It's been a month and half and 25 pages of people giving you the same long proven advice, and you are too stubborn or stupid to do the very first requirement of notifying the OBS.

Why? Have you no self respect?

If I was a friend within driving distance I would come over and literally jerk you out of your house and kick you in the ass, throw you in the car and personally go with you to inform the OBS.

If you refuse to the very basic first step, why are you here?

[This message edited by twisted at 10:03 AM, August 24th (Thursday)]

You have consistently been given the same advice over and over and again and again... At this point the hell you are going through is self inflicted. I feel for you and the misery you are in but at the end of the day you are the only person responsible for getting yourself out of infidelity.

Until you are willing to seize control of your life and get committed to getting out of infidelity, your are going to be in this hellish limbo indefinitely.

The marriage counseling is a waste of time right now and even based on the few sentences you shared with us, it sounds like the counselor is going to encourage rug sweeping. I am assuming you are still a coconspirator in the infidelity and have still have not informed the other betrayed spouse. Also willing to bet dollars to donuts that you have taken no meaningful steps to seperate finances and assets.

Your life and your decision... and while no one here would wants you to be miserable. It is getting harder to understand why you want to prolong your misery. You are like a drowning man that has been thrown a lifepreserver and won't make the effort to grab it.

I continue to hope you find the strength to take back your life and get out of infidelity.

She is still in the A. She calls him at work.

She does not want the OBS to know, but she made the arrangements for them to have sex at the motel.

What has she made any effort to do for you?

Will she set you up with a date with the 25 year old that you mentioned?

She used so much energy to arrange for her A.

She has done squat for you. she loves him and resents you.

Go see your attorney. File for D. She has a ring in your nose.

Do the std test and DNA your kids.

Drop her off at his house and she can talk to her lover and his wife at their house.

She probably had a threesome with him and her sister at the hotel.

When has she set that up for you?

I hope you do wake up and after the D, tell her she can try to woo you, but there will be competition. But she has some strikes against her , because you can't trust what she says.

Her actions for you are nothing, she set up at least one rodeo at the hotel with him.

How many times does he come to see her at work?

You made it clear that you are posting again "to vent" which is code for "I don't need no stinking advice". The advice you are getting from the overwhelming majority of posters is spot on. It's all tried and true - no one is making anything up. We've lived this and we've read hundreds of stories just like yours.

Your best chance to successfully heal and be able to move forward with your life after the train-wreck of infidelity is the 180. Not as a strategy to fix your marriage, but as a strategy to start your personal healing process. The cornerstone of the 180 is NO CONTACT - zero. The only exceptions are restricted to clear, concise logistical information regarding the children. Of course that means no more MC - it is way, way too early for that. Any counselor who would look at your current situation and advise not talking about it either doesn't really know the truth about it or is an idiot. Individual counseling is a good idea for you and, as for her, that's her call.

Pick a couple posters who's message seems to resonate with you and start following their advice.

When you're ready, go back and read your thread from the beginning. It's all there. Everything you have to do.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 12:43 PM, August 24th (Thursday)]

i may almost be willing to concede that immediately implementing the 180 might be the right call

Ok then...

This is my last post here. I will reiterate that you need INDIVIDUAL counseling for YOU.

You must realize that aside from giving advice, there is nothing anyone here can do for you. YOU have to somehow find the courage to do it. When you are ready, re-read this thread and implement some of the wisdom that has been imparted. Best of luck to you.

TPain,

I sent you a PM regarding the fear of the unknown in pursuing D. I would also encourage you to look at the New Beginnings forum. There is a recent topic "Better Life Afterwards?" I think you will find it encouraging that, for many, D has been the best way out of infidelity. I'm not trying to advocate D to you as your best path forward. I just want you to understand that the uncertainty of what life will bring is not a great reason to stick around hoping for R.

The 180 USD only the tip of the iceberg on what you need to implement.

You've been given advice from the best ppl anywhere in the world. Yet you've ignored it all.