SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Since you will do anything to keep your “marriage” alive then follow this part of my advice from page 18 of this thread:

If your biggest fear is hurting her. If you don’t want divorce at any cost…

Then accept that she has lovers.

After all – if she can slip away and have “not sex” (as she seems to have convinced you she has had plenty of) with another man – then you won’t have to divorce her. Who knows, maybe you two can create a code so when she tells you Friday evening is “bridge with the girls” you can pretend to believe her despite knowing she’s having not-sex with another man.

If that doesn’t sound good then really think why you are posting here. After all if your situation is so unique and your wife such a unicorn and everything is so special then there really isn’t any way our collective advice can help.

TPIR is not going to tell the OBS because of this:

For obv reasons she is against this 100%. In fact, she said if I did that I should immediately file.

and

i meant to say that I can only see harm that it would cause any chance i have of reconciliation.

and

ive been very clear all along that i will do anything to keep my marriage together.

Everything else, all of the rationale, reasoning, justification, for not telling the OBS are just window dressing. Just a dance around the real reason for not telling the OBS.

TPIR, best if you do yourself and everyone else a favor by stating what your wife said if you told the OBS. Stand for the truth. It is the reason why you won't tell the OBS. Own your truth.

TPIR,

You said that the OM made a run at establishing a relationship w/your W two years into your marriage.

How did that all go down at the time?

1survivor put it bluntly but you don't accept it.

" you have to be willing to lose the marriage to save it." I don't think you undrrstand why that is the last word in reconcilliation. Its simple really.

The one that cares the least in a marriage controls the marriage. She has been in control since she took another lover. Simply by playing her patsy and dancing to her tune gives her all the power.

Eventually, you will lose your attraction/love for her.

It has already started to ebb. Would you still risk your life and try to save her from a burning building. Would she you? The answer to her saving you is actually funny isn't it?

Actually, the cleanest way to get out of infidelity is divorce.

What you are doing is tantamount to picking divorce. You just taking the longer more painful way to get there. Your wife fell out of love with you, that is why she cheated. By letting her continue to disrespect you, you are simply validating her decision to cheat.

That is okay.

You will eventually be out of infidelity one way or the other. Dont take it personally, its not you its her.

Good luck on your next marriage.

OP,

Sorry....

You have NOT made it clear you are OK with getting a D even though you don't want it.

Through you words and actions......backing down on poly......refusing to tell OBS because your WW might D you for it.....constantly hounding her for R.....

YOU HAVE TOLD HER THAT YOU WILL PUT UP WITH ANYTHING TO AVOID A DIVORCE.

Your WW is running circles around you.....

And at this point, you are almost the poster child for Rugsweeping.

I predict, if you keep ignoring the advice here.....you WILL NOT save your M.....

Because eventually POSOM (who you have allowed to escape consequence free) will reach back out to her.....and the A will resume.

Geez, this woman must shit gold bricks or lay faberge eggs....

T-Pain, you are really codependent with this woman. Doesn't your pride scream at you at night? You need to find your anger stage and get comfortable in it. She's calling all the shots and you're lapping it up like a kitten. I'm sad for you.

[This message edited by JellyGirl84 at 10:09 PM, August 9th (Wednesday)]

To reiterate my original post on this thread (page 3): Keep up with the IC. It's the single best thing you can do for yourself and your children. We will be here for you down the road.

I hope for the day that you are strong enough accept reality, and to understand that fear does not have to dictate your actions.

Best of luck to you.

TPIR, I totally understand where you are coming from, I do. I was once where you are, afraid of losing my wife, our marriage, our life together. I did the pickme dance, changed my behavior,etc . Sure my wife was regretful it happened, but I don't believe she was really remorseful. A few weeks later I found this site. I mostly did a lot of reading. It totally changed my thinking .

Decided I was unwilling to accept the marriage on her terms. The marriage was a dead corpse anyways. I deserved better than that. I told my wife if she wanted the marriage , she would have to work hard to keep it. I gave her the terms to staying in the marriage, no more social media, I get all passwords and access to her phone . I enable gps feature on the iPhone. She wanted MC but after 2 sessions i realized it was a waste of time. She started ic.

Without telling her I found the OBS and called her. We quickly formed an alliance and got to the whole truth and to ensure NC is adhered to.

Almost 2 years later we are still married and the reconciliation is going well. My wife has strong boundries she didn't have before and our marriage is much stronger. I have become a better husband and she is a much better wife and a safe partner for me.

If you continue in your present direction you are bound to fail.

You said that the OM made a run at establishing a relationship w/your W two years into your marriage.

How did that all go down at the time?

Looks like it worked

Tpain,

You are living her life under her terms, at what point are going to start living YOUR life.

This a matter of self-respect. I don't think you understand that what you are in fear of losing, you've already lost.

Looks like it worked

lol! well played my friend, well played.

im exhausted. please dont misunderstand. totally and completely exhausted.

again, you may not see your words as helpful. you may not think im doing what you suggest and you may think im setting myself up to fail.

heres the deal, my marriage as it was is dead. im trying to salvage it in any form right now so that i may determine if we can move forward. my IC has suggested not to make any big decisions while angry. i am trying to put time between us and the A.

also, my wife is no unicorn. she is disappointing, uncaring and heartless. she is prepared to leave and i am prepared for her to. im not sure if this is some power play now to gain control of how this plays out, but i assure you i am not walking around the house fanning her and feeding her grapes.

i imagine im making her existance pretty miserable right now. my wife has tremendous issues with confrontation. she hates it. he does not believe in fight and never has. she is locked and loaded to flight.

i can push her so far and she will leave. i understand that completely. i am willing to risk divorce to fix my marriage, 100%. BUT i am not going to hand it to her on a platter. things in my house are by far not pleasant. we have fought more in the past how ever many weeks than we had collectively in 15 years. its miserable.

but there are also caring moments where i see hope and glimpses of the future i so long for.

i am getting stronger. i am scared and hurt, but im getting stronger...

the appt for MC is a a week and a half away. wonder if we'll make it??? Vegas probably has some pretty decent odds against it.

one last thing, please know that the second my wife walks out, i will deliver all of this to the obs. in a nano second. then i will take a shit on the ap's car.

Why do it then? It'll be too late...

ive been very clear all along that i will do anything to keep my marriage together.

Except the things that ppl that have assisted literally thousands of BSes save their marriage have advised.

i do want to know the truth, and maybe i do, but there is no way im going to get any more out of her. im not suggesting that she is special, but i know her and know that if pressed much harder, she will let the divorce happen. none of you would suggest that you know her better than I do, right?

The ppl here know waywards better than you, and that's what she is now. This is not the person you married.

She doesnt "need" me to live and live well. i want her to continue wanting me and doing something that ensure a divorce doesnt make sense to me. ive pressed as hard as I believe I can.

ive made it clear that im ok with getting a divorce but that i dont want it.

She knows that in yall's relationship, that she's the alpha, you're the beta. She knows she has to do nothing except threaten to walk, and you'll cave.

You may wind up still married, but you will no longer have a marriage worth having if you keep on this course.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 8:39 AM, August 10th (Thursday)]

the appt for MC is a a week and a half away.

Why? If she is still in the A, there is absolutely no point. A decent MC will tell you that 3 minutes into the session.

If you want to do something, tell your WW that exact thing. Cancel the appointment and tell her we are not in a marriage, why should you waste my time.

Serious question. One I really want you to think about before answering.

You have small children. Why would she rather miss half of their holidays, big moments,and allow them to be in another house half of the time? Why would she put her children through the pain of divorce?

Why would she risk having to give you half of her assets,401 K, retirement,etc?

If she loves you,why is she willing to sacrifice so much if you tell his wife?

If she is as remorseful as you think she is, why does she seem to care more about protecting him,rather than you?

So.. considering all of this that she has to lose,and the pain it would cause everyone,but especially her children,why is she willing to divorce you if you tell his wife?

You have small children. Why would she rather miss half of their holidays, big moments,and allow them to be in another house half of the time? Why would she put her children through the pain of divorce?

those are very good points.

i asked her the same. she says she is protecting herself from ridicule and hate.

she knows she fucked up and basically doesnt want the world to know. i can appreciate that. it seems like anyone would.

i understand that i risk the affair continuing if i dont tell the obs. i get it. BUT i know that if i do, it will hurt my wife.

i do not see how me caring about her and not wanting to perpetuate pain is so terrible. i have gps tracker on her. i know where she is every minute of every day. if she wants to talk to him on her office phone, that is the extent of her opportunity. the other man is a serial cheater, he knows how to work the system. his wife wouldnt be able to control that.

i have to be able to trust my wife. i believe i can.

again, she is no unicorn, but i do believe i know her. i have completely removed her ability to have contact, save office calls.

Just promise to continue IC and promise to understand that the path you are on has, by outstanding statistical probability, led to disaster. Be prepared so when it hits you you're not destroyed by it.

Does she really think a divorce will save her from ridicule and hate.? The truth will come out . It will come out tenfold if you divorce, especially once the kids are old enough to figure it out. They will one day realize she walked away because she refused to swallow her pride and take responsibility for her actions. More than likely they will resent her. Poor reasons imo. Your wife is living in La la land and you are helping her stay there.

double post

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 10:02 AM, August 10th (Thursday)]