SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

As far as your own mental health is concerned, I don't think you could come up with an idea that would have worse consequences for you.

I can't imagine you doing anything that would be more passive-aggressive than this waiting for your W to do what you want.

I urge you to take responsibility for your self. You simply will not heal until you start acting on your own behalf.

The question is her knowing this, if she truly loved me as she says she does, why do I have to be the bad guy here?

Given that you see filing as being the bad guy, when it's a perfectly honorable thing to do, says to me you're not ready to file.

You want to D? Then admit it and file.

You want her to file? Ask her to file.

This whole thing is all on her.

Well, that's true, but not in the way you say it. You say it, IMO, from a Victim position is a Drama Triangle. If you truly believe the A was about her, not about you, why do you see yourself as the Victim?

What's keeping you from taking responsibility for yourself WRT your M? Solve that problem, and you'll solve your M problem.

You know, it possible that you've let your W drive your M since her A, but an M is a partnership. All you need to do is to take responsibility for yourself, and you'll get your self-respect back.

And when you give yourself that gift, the whole world opens up to you again.

[This message edited by sisoon at 9:07 AM, July 16th (Sunday)]

I can only speak for myself. My xWW is not in my view remorseful, cheated a lot, and indicates that she is not "in love" with me, but if she somehow managed to finish the purpose of the marital union--raising the children to adulthood--without sleeping with anyone else I would likely stand by her when she was old and gray and invisible. Although there is no morally right or wrong choice in such scenario I would view her trading the last of her youth and options to stay as warranting some recompense even if she was only fulfilling her individual commitments to child-rearing.

Oh shit PlanC.

I'm old, grey and invisible.

I've also

"somehow managed to finish the purpose of the marital unionraising the children to adulthoodwithout sleeping with anyone else"

Standing by, or being stood by - doesn't sound at all good.

I probably didn't phrase this very well. The throw in the towel was more rhetorical. It's not that I expect her to file, its more that we should acknowledge that we have been fighting for something that in the end really won't be worth the fight.

I am sure there is some rose glasses, but we had something pretty good, that with my retirement was supposed to be better. It's not better. It's not good. Most of the time it's ok. But if you had good is ok, ok? We do have some good moments and that is what she is hanging her hat on.

I think she thought, probably cause we rug swept that it was going to work out in the end. She says she can live with what we have, but why should I? She now wants me to work on things, but I am exhausted by all of this. Takes too much space up in my head

I know I have a victim mentality. But guess what? I am. My wife was banging some guy in my bed, doing sex acts she didn't enjoy with me, and giving me SS. It's not a woe is me victim hood, but more of a pissed off FU victim hood. I know neither is good. Let's face facts. I got screwed in this whole deal.

No amount of tears or sorry will change it. The fact is I do love her, but not what she did. I didn't comment of the kidney thread, but I would be more comfortable giving her a kidney than a hug.

She does know how I feel. The basis of this thread is to gage how many BS were able to just say I get you are sorry but stop fighting for us. Or the WS like in Darkness case said if it's best for you I will walk away without a fight.

I do appreciate everyone's input. I agree. Divorce can be an ok thing. I just never before this thought it was going to be in my future.

Let's face facts. I got screwed in this whole deal.

Let's face facts. We all got screwed in this whole deal. (I had cancer that metastasized, an 18 month old baby that I didn't know if I would be alive to see grow up whilst my FWH was fucking It for YEARS, so there's that!) Are you going to let that define who you are? Your whole life is going to be defined by this? Fuck that shit for me. Life is short. I am not letting my FWH's bad, disgusting, vile actions define my life and my choice to be happy. I am not letting that attitude defeat me.

I don't know. You didn't seem all that happy when you were separated. You are not happy now.

The goal of this site is to survive infidelity. Even to thrive after infidelity. You are barely surviving. Certainly not thriving. Yes, your WW initially caused this, but you are the one hanging onto it. You have acknowledged this. What are you going to do to change this? You have got to recognize at this point that this is not a healthy coping mechanism. Being divorced isn't going to change that unhealthy coping mechanism. Who knows? Once you are divorced you may be even a more pissed off "victim".

I am so sorry, but you really need to do some work on yourself, waitedwaytoolong. Not for reconciling your marriage. But for you because you don't have to live life feeling as you do. It really can be better.

You are retired...so I assume your kids are all out of the house? Who are you staying for? You are miserable with her, she isn't happy in her station either....just sounds like a shitty marriage that she is staying in because her options at this point are nil. It seems you have some options and a chance to be happy. The love you have for her will fade and so will the pain after some time. It's easy just to stay with the status quo but the status quo isn't making you happy, so why?

[This message edited by Randy1133 at 6:06 PM, July 16th (Sunday)]

One way or another it as to end. Maybe a divorce but you stay together.

Even though it has been years, healing happens two years after the last lie.

Yes, your WW initially caused this, but you are the one hanging onto it.

I think Mrs WWTL was also hanging onto things. The trickle truth that she went to meet OM again a couple of weeks after DDay has only come out in the last couple of months.

eta: ..and only under the threat of a poly. Finding that out has to have knocked WWTL back a bit.

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 3:10 AM, July 17th (Monday)]

I understand your point, sins, however, I really am not speaking to that.

wwtl has acknowledged that he is stuck in a "victim" mentality. It isn't up to Mrs. wwtl to heal wwtl. He needs to take the lead in his own healing. It doesn't seem like he is doing that or is even interested in doing that.

Your W victimized you, but you've chosen to take on the Victim role in life.

You imply you won't get divorced unless your W acknowledges the M is dead.

What possible difference would that make? Why are you giving her any power over your decision to D, much less all of it?

I suspect you know what you want, but something is keeping you from acknowledging or accepting it. That 'something' is your biggest problem, and resolving/dissolving it will open up your path to joy.

Waited here is my take on your situation as in many ways it is similar to mine. You have no reason to apologize to your wife for acting differently towards her than you did before you discovered her infidelities. This sort of pain changes you, I know it did me at least.

One of my stbxww's complaints was that I stopped trying with her, that I stopped doing the small things that show someone that you truly care about them in a relationship. But I didn't stop trying overnight. I had four years of false reconciliation and pain to reinforce that she truly did not try and change and was still betraying me with emotional affairs.

The fact she felt I should be trying to win her back is unreasonable as she was the one who stepped out of our marriage vows, she was the one who betrayed me with friends and strangers for over 20 years. I never wavered or changed towards her until after the full truth, or as much as we ever get of it, came to light. She has a "I'm the victim" mentality and sells it to all her friends

The fact you treat her differenty... well honestly, is she the woman you thought she was? Is she not the woman who betrayed you, who did things with other men that you cannot Un-know. This will change the way anyone interacts with someone who does these things to them. That sort of pain is never truly forgotten in my opinion. We may move past it but we never fully forget it.

My STBXWW gets it finally, that I will never accept what she does as being ok in our relationship. I also understand that in her mind what she does she feels should be acceptable. The sexting with friends and strangers, her couple of P.A's that I'm supposed to be too stupid to know or prove.

Our values are just to far apart on what we see as acceptable. She has proven again and again that her capacity to lie to me has no limit. That's why I am where I am.

You saying you had some pretty good times together with your wife, I know for me those good times cant outweigh the bad times and what was done. Maybe for me its just the realization that even during what felt like the good times I now know she was still doing these things to me... That in the background she was still having E.A the whole time... It kind of ruins the thoughts of those being good times.. Hence my divorce.

What's stopping you?

If you want a divorce, why continue to wait?

taxi wrote: "Or you are pissed with yourself for not taking the A as a deal-breaker, and rug sweeping for five years. I can't help but wonder why you can't get back to "all-in", I might be talking out my ass, but why not give it a damn good try. Do the EMDR, Retrouvaille, and hypnosis if need be. Give all that a shot, and it is worth the try."

I was going to write and say the same thing so I'll just cheat and repost his words because I think they're very true. You lose nothing by giving a solid effort and then if it ends, you won't be haunted by feelings that you could've done more. I so wish my XWH had been willing to go to MC and have an objective person help us sort out situation because it will always bother me to wonder if we could have saved the marriage.

Regrets during old age are a bitch.

Josiep

Thank you for "stealing" my thoughts on the matter. I cannot help but think that WWTL's problems, while instigated by the A, are being propagated in his own head. First of all, he has not been fully engaged, even after the separation. There has to be ways of getting around this. My solution when my wife and I were getting back together was for awhile, significant amounts of alcohol and cannabis until we were very much more at ease around each other, and were able to overlook some of the bedroom differentials. Second, he is more angry with himself for not pulling the plug. Fine, something other than her tears kept him from doing so. If he was totally convinced then what is stopping him. I think he knows that it is worth saving. I think part of him is actively punishing the WW. Certainly her behavior during the A, and afterwards was despicable. Everybody in an affair acts despicably, and punishment can take varying forms, but, something has to give. I do not think what he is doing is going to make him happy in any circumstance. Even having a new relationship with another woman may not bring him a "happy" life. He, is at this time, sort of determined that he can't be with her, forgive her, attempt to move on, etc etc etc. This is in his head, and he needs to address it completely for whatever outcome to happen.

Do the EMDR, Retrouvaille, and hypnosis if need be. Give all that a shot, and it is worth the try.

Sounds like he stated clearly, he doesn't want to do any of that shit. Why should he kill himself and his wallet in order to be able to love her like a husband should love his wife, especially when she was the one who blew up the marriage? He has been struggling with this for 5 years and honestly if he left her today, he'd likely be over her and the pain in another year and probably much happier. I don't think this is something that goes away, atleast for many of us. Find different ways to think yourself out of the pain just seems like an awful solution.

These are all great questions. Most without great answers. Why am I still here? Not sure. 30 years of marriage probably. Pain when I talk to her and see her cry? Two daughters that want their parents together? Feeling like others have gotten over it, why can't I after 6 years. Knowing that I probably won't meet someone who I have more shared interests with and won't be as compatible. I just don't know

Why don't I do the things you all have suggested knowing I probably should. Basically cause I just don't feel like it. Deep down I kick myself for not exposing her, him, and throwing her out of the house on DDay. BTW this is my feeling for myself, and I respect the others here who did find a path to reconciliation. But for me, raised in a different time, the anger hits hard II swallowed my pride, seethed in secret, while her life went on like normal. My blood stil boils thinking about our friends prior to exposure telling me how lucky I was to have her. Five years of that shit

This is definitely in my head. Perception is everything. People who meet her now would think what a great person she is for her charity work. That's what they see. I still see the person who happily kissed me hello at night after having him in her mouth. I see the good in her too, but the bad is never going away.

That's the conflict I have with myself. I do know it has to be resolved though. Time is slipping away

Feeling like others have gotten over it, why can't I after 6 years.

You can't because you haven't worked actively to "get over it". BTW, I don't feel anyone who worked through the trauma "get over it" we get through it. It takes a lot of processing. It takes hard work. Work you're not willing to put in "because why should I have to". Well, you're right, why should you have to? Simple question: Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?

I don't need you to tell me what your answer is, you need to figure out what your answer is. If you want to be happy, you are going to need to do some work. It doesn't have to be working towards a happy reconciliation, either. You need to do some work on you. Period. If your answer is you want to be "right" than I hope you and being "right" live happily ever after. Highly doubt that is going to happen, though.

However, I concur, and you know I have been advocating all the things Taxi said from the time you joined. What do you have to lose? Your stubborn need to hold onto your righteous feelings? I don't mean "righteous" in a negative sense, either. Your feelings are valid, but being stuck there and holding onto them like your Precious is Doing. You. No. Good.

This whole thing is all on her

this attitude is why a marriage fails

healing yourself = 100% on you

healing herself = 100% on her

but the marriage, man, I am sorry that is both of you putting in 100%

your head is your problem and your attitude about wishes is about as useful as beggars riding about on horses

be a man and be the bad guy and admit that yep you are just too damn stubborn to move forward

you never HAD to work on the marriage

but you refusing to own your side of the clean-up of a partnership is the problem as I see it

So question why are you finding it easier to stay stuck in victim mode? What benefit does that have for you?

no one blames you 6 years out for being honest

for crying out loud

to thine own self be true

what do you want to do?

do it...

peace

editing to add:

others have gotten over it

nah man it is taking the conscious step to choose how I focus

because my perspective shapes my life

life doesn't have to be perfect to be beautiful

and honestly? I wouldn't have even thought to wonder if Katumus was aspergers if it weren't for an OC - what a humbling blessing that now I can be made more aware of how to be a better spouse and parent and finally find some amazing communication tools

hurt like hell to get shattered ... still does some days

but thank God I have truth in my life

and that is a blessing

may you truly realize how blessed you are to have free will

choose wisely to set yourself free

[This message edited by Merida at 6:53 PM, July 17th (Monday)]

Why does this site not have a "like" button. Merida is absolutely spot on: His healing is 100% up to him and her healing is 100% up to her. And from where we all sit, WWTL is not yet healed, and seems reluctant to heal. His anger is now a fellow traveller. He is still taking it out on her, and eventually, he will push her into asking for the divorce. My sense of it, is that even divorced, he will never be happy. He is the victim and is hanging onto it. She will eventually tire