SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I feel better than I have since DDay.

MrsA, you are taking back control of your life.

We slept together last night. The first time since DDay (7/10/17). It wasn't planned, it just happened. I love him dearly. But I have no trust. When we were done, I didn't feel comfortable laying in his arms. I wondered how he treated her before, during, and after sex. Was it this good with her? Was it better with her?? Is there someone now?? I mean, he hid the affair for 11 years, surely he could hide anything he wants!! He vehemently denies ever having another affair. We're going for a poly at the end of the month. Will I ever be able to trust him again??

Last night was a mistake. I think it was too soon. I don't even know if I'm staying married, and now he's feeling this sense of security cause I screwed him last night!!! Ugghh!!!

Don't worry about it. Google "hysterical bonding", it happened to a lot of us.

If it makes you not want to have sex with him again then that's fine, if you keep going back then that's fine also, you're a human in trauma and you're dealing with so much right now.

Are you in IC yet?

Don't beat yourself up Mrs.A. Let it go, he'll soon work out it didn't mean things are back to normal. I'm glad that he's agreed to the poly.

MrsA

Don't worry about the sex, think of it as just sex.

I went through the HB, at first I couldn't believe I did it, then I figured maybe I was just using him for sex.

If you are thinking of staying with him make sure he reads "How to Help Your Spouse Heal".

Thanks. We're both in counseling individually. Were planning to do marriage counseling together, if I decide to stay in the marriage. Right now, I'm clueless. I feel better about the sex (thanks for the reply posts) but I worry it may lead him on. I really don't know if I'm going to stay with him. All I'm focusing on now is healing for me.

That's the mission: healing, regardless of the marriage's outcome.

Infidelity is traumatic, and emotional self- preservation is job one.

MrsA- I've been thinking about you and wondering how you're doing? Anything new?

So, the police feel that what she did was a misdemeanor, blackmail not extortion (I'm not sure why). She has been instructed not to contact us, however, she insists on contacting me. Emails mostly. I don't respond. She made good on her promise to oust me, she's told several of my mother's friends, my sisters, and some old co workers by posting some type of announcement on her wall. I've had all types of people contacting me and screenshoting her posts so I can see. I'm not gonna lie like it doesn't hurt, thus stinks!! But I don't feel like it's the end of the world. My husband is miserable, from guilt I think, over the things she's doing to me. Deep down, he knows thus is his fault. Part of me hates him for it. The other part of me still loves him. I still don't know if the marriage is worth saving. All in all, I'm ok. I'm off sleep aids and I'm eating now. I even laugh from time to time. I still think about this affair EVERYDAY. It hurts so bad. This man, this marriage, and our kids has been my entire life. He WAS my best friend (I'm gonna have to find a new one, I think!!). I'm taking a day at a time and working on me. Since going to the police, I met another wife who was being blackmailed by this woman. She's been through hell and back too. Her husband thought he was the father of the twins as well and was paying every other month to keep her from disclosing. Her DDAY was a year ago and they were still paying her!!! I swear, I must've lead a pretty sheltered life because this just seems unreal to me.

So unreal! Right out of crime documentary or something.

So sorry that she told people and now you have to deal with that on top of everything. It does suck! Even though you have nothing to be ashamed of, I totally get it! And if you're anything like me, you're probably hurting for your husband while he's miserable, despite the fact that he set all this into motion. Consequences suck a lot of the time!

So, police told her to leave you guys alone but she's still emailing you and harassing you on FB?! I hope you're keeping all that stuff and sharing that with the police. Did you get a restraining order?

I know each person is different and each healing journey is different. But I wanted you to know that I'm 20+ months out from DDay, and I still think of the A and related events not just daily, but multiple times a day. It does hurt less though. And I can talk about it without crying or getting mad. I imagine I'll think of it less as more time passes. Anyway, I wrote all that to say keep your head up, keep moving forward, do things for yourself to heal (it's okay to be selfish right now), and it will get easier.

So, police told her to leave you guys alone but she's still emailing you and harassing you on FB?! I hope you're keeping all that stuff and sharing that with the police. Did you get a restraining order?

THIS. Block her on e-mail. If she uses another e-mail address, block it.

Has a court date been set for her? I think it would be very helpful to find the others and obtain their testimony. The more counts against her, the better than chances of her doing some time in the big house.

Keep seeing your IC and don't feel rush to make any decisions about R or D at this point. You've come such a long way since your first post; I am so proud of you, but so sorry you have had to deal with this - all because of infidelity.

Is the polygraph coming up soon?

Huge hugs...

Okay, maybe I'm a vindictive SOB, but I'd push the DA to have this classified as a felony, or track down a rabid lawyer and sue her for a civil suit of some sort. I'd want her pay, she's done this to 6 others and you know she won't stop until there are real consequences.

I'd demand jail time. I'd go fult tilt offense and push for the maximum charge and penalty.

That may not be the wisest move in the long run, but just the way I roll.

You want trouble, honey, you've come to right place.

Of course, I'm a bit of a redneck too.

[This message edited by twisted at 9:07 AM, August 25th (Friday)]

Not sure what she posted about you but, if it isn't accurate, would that not be libel or some other form of assignation of character? I agree with pushing for more charges. Hopefully ones that carry stiff penalties!

Hi. Thanks for the support. It really helps. Yes. She continues to email after the police told her not to. I've blocked her finally from the email accounts she gained access to from facebook. And im keeping record. She's angry. But for the life of me, I can't figure out why it's all directed at me!! She doesnt mention my husband at all these days. She's said some horrible things about me. Mostly taunting me and making fun of the fact my husband had an affair with her. The one thing that hurts the most is the fact that she insists he cheated because I worked night shift back then and he told me not to. This hurts so bad because my husband and I fought about that back then!! But I was under contract. The company that paid for me to go back to school required that I work 1 year for them and they didn't have day shift open when I finished . Why in the hell would he tell personal stuff like that to her?? No matter how mad I get, though, I don't respond. I feel so much anger these days. Dealing with his infidelity is so hard, I can't even put in to words that amount of pain I feel. But having his lover do all of this is mind blowing. I just don't know what I did wrong. WHY ME??The funny thing is, I knew this woman. She worked at mc Donalds near my home. I was always bouncings in there with the kids back then. Her middle child played tball with my youngest. We weren't friends, but we chatted. She had already had the affair with him and would sit there and talk to me. Who does that??? Anyways, I'm seeing a lawyer about the money my husband paid her. I don't even know if it's worth pursuing because she's UNEMPLOYED!! My husband sure can pickem, can't he???

Anyways, I'm seeing a lawyer about the money my husband paid her. I don't even know if it's worth pursuing because she's UNEMPLOYED!!

If it doesn't cost you too much I'd get a judgement any way. Even if she can't pay get a judgement. If she wants to keep playing these games make her pay. Get a judgement and then enforce it. Show up any time she looks like she has something new or a little money and take it. She should learn the consequences of this little game she has played. Look at it like this. The worst that can happen to you, the thing that she threatened you with, exposure, has happened and you survived. You are okay. She has no more power to threaten you with anything. She's directing this all at you because you didn't fold. I'd now make her pay.

Definitely File for a restraining order ,and you ought to seek judgement against her for the extortion payoffs as well. If nothing else she will have to leave you alone or go to jail and you will have regained some power in that dynamic, even if you don't get the money back.

My husband is really trYing to save our marriage. I really don't understand why. If our marriage was so important, why cheat? Then lie about it for 11 years? But now, just mentioning possible divorce or separation tears him up. Now, he can't eat or sleep. Now, he can't live without me. Ivery made myself a promise, I'm putting me first this time. I feel awful that I can't promise him that we will stay married, but he did this. Not me. And I honestly hate to see him in pain, but my promise hasnt changed. Im trying. No strings. No guarantees.

Ivery made myself a promise, I'm putting me first this time. I feel awful that I can't promise him that we will stay married, but he did this. Not me. And I honestly hate to see him in pain, but my promise hasn't changed. Im trying. No strings. No guarantees.

MrsA, this is the right attitude to have right now. He's made his choices, now it's your turn. There's no need for you to rush into anything. I can't remember - are you in counseling? If not, then look for an individual counselor (preferably one experienced in infidelity)who can help you navigate all these emotions you have.

As for OW, document all contact and take it back to the police. I also agree with looking into a restraining order. It's obvious this woman is used to getting what she wants, you've halted her in her tracks and she doesn't like it.

My husband is really trYing to save our marriage. I really don't understand why.

Because he never wanted a D to begin with. He wanted to eat cake. You closed the bakery. He, IMHO, is trying to save the M because he does not want to lose the comfortability of being married. I think he has regret at being caught, but is feeling remorse because you're going through hell with this batshit crazy OW.

Something is very broken in him still and he will need a lot of IC before I would consider R. And even then, there are no guarantees as this may be a dealbreaker for you, and that is ok too. He should want to get better for himself and let go of the outcome of the M. That's true remorse.

Hugs honey.