SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Find your anger, and your 180.

Stop engaging with him altogether.

It will help keep you sane.

He won't leave!! The police says I can't force him, the house is both of ours.

They're right. You can file for legal separation if you are in a state that supports it. You can also file for temporary exclusive of the marital property and he'll have to leave. The police can't force him out _now_, but with such an order in place they could.

Now he thinks I'm cheating.

No, he really doesn't. Well, most likely. Thing is, most really, really jealous cheaters are really jealous because they're projecting what they are capable of onto their partners.

So, he cheated, stole, and lied from/to you and now he "thinks" that you are doing it? Ri-i-i-ght.

Or, he might be deflecting - he's trying so hard to get you to engage with him that he's doing this. Though, if I remember the start of your thread correctly, he's accused this before?

Yeah, it tells you way more about what he's capable of than what he's really thinking.

I have assured him that I am not.

It won't matter whether you assure him or not. He's going to keep bringing it up.

I need time apart to sort my feelings out. My counselor supports this.

I believe you and I believe that your counselor said that. I typed that because...

His does not.

How do you know that? Because your H told you so? And why would you believe your H? He's lied for 11 years now. Why would he suddenly start telling the truth?

Look, my position is - if your WH says it and it benefits him then I'd independently verify the information. You -can- do that. Tell him to invite you to his next IC meeting, you want to hear that from the IC himself. If he whines then tell him that your not believing what he says is a consequence of his _lying_ _to_ _you_ _for_ _11_ _straight_ _years_! If he still demurs, well, you have your answer.

This, this right here, exemplifies the difference between remorse and regret. He's regretful (sorry that he got caught), not remorseful (sorry, aghast, that he could hurt you).

I don't know what to do anymore. When I asked to seperate, he lost it. Unless I file to legallyour seperate, I can't get him out. I'm not sure if I wanted to file anything. I just wanted time apart. So, I left. He's obsessed with me cheating. I've never cheated. I swear, not once. Never. Hes always where I am. I'm staying with a friend, but I've had to leave because he keeps showing up!! I don't deny that this may be painful for him, but it is his fault. I was trying to clear my head. I've returned home. He demanded to know if I'm gonna work this marriage out. And I broke down. I haven't cried since our anniversary. The thing is, I love him so much. I put everything I had into our relatiinship. HE BETRAYED ME!!!!He betryed all my love and kindness. I feel like he wants me to go on as if this never happened. How can i?? I think what hurt the most is that even with the therapy we attend, he told me that he wished he had never stopped paYing her to keep quiet. He regrets me finding out. He wants his happy go lucky wife back. I can't understand how he could feel that way after all the pain I've endured. Most of which was caused by the fact that he hid this for 11 FREAKING years!! But he claims to love me so much. Is this ever gonna get better?? Will I ever look at him without thinking of what he did???

Hi MrsA, I'm sorry you're feeling so low. I have wondered how you are doing. Are you still going to counseling? Is your husband? Those are the crucial questions regarding is it going to get better.

It could get better if that's what you both want and you work at it. But it's not going to get better if all your husband is going to do is tell you he's sorry and demand that you rugsweep. The onus is on HIM to get some therapy, and do some WORK if he wants any chance of keeping you as his wife. It sounds like at the moment he's more motivated to keep the marriage than to help you heal or get to the bottom of why he did this. It should be dawning on him that he's got to do something other than just beg and tell you he loves you.

And what about you? Are you still in therapy? You both need individual counseling. You to help you to deal with this and him to work out why he did it.

MrsA, he should not be following you and throwing around accusations. I am concerned about your safety. See a lawyer. Consider your options. Protect yourself. You deserve space and to not be harassed and forced into R. He is not R material.

When you sit back and think....

When I read these last few posts. I am seeing a great deal of manipulation from him.

Can you look objectively into the marriage? Do you see these patterns in the marriage?

The affair in our home opened my eyes to patterns. I made so many excuses. It stripped everything away. The truth was blazing like a fire in front of me.

At first I didn't want to face it. Hence the screen name...I want my (rose colored) glasses.

Here I am. I have faced the truth. No more excuses.

Sit back this week. Just be silent. Think, reflect. Look at your marriage. What is there? I thought I was so happy. But the truth is. I wasn't. I did a great job of avoiding his selfishness.

I love my husband, but I don't think I can get over this. I mean, I just don't know if staying married is what I can do. I don't want to hurt him, but I think it's over for me. I don't know what to do. I'm still not talking to anyone but my therapist and you guys. What do I do now?

I want to post to say I hear your struggle. You've been through hell and back. I don't see him as good for you, good for your healing. You can have a good life knowing that you did everything you could. And you had the character and integrity not to rug sweep.

Try to envision a life without him. I know that is painful for you. Keep at envisioning it because you will start to see how you could in fact do that. How you could do it emotionally and financially. Then once you can envision that as an option you have a greater degree of control and peace with your struggle.

This has been a hard 6 months!!! I have good days, where I'm up beat and don't think abut it much. Then I have bad days-when the affair is all I think of. I talked to him about divorce. He begged me to reconsider. Im not trying to hurt him, but I'm never going to get over it. He went to our pastor (who I hadn't disclosed the affair to) and spilled the beans. Pastor is asking me to give it a try 6 more months before I go down divorce road. But, I don't want to. I'm in therapy, but I'm not getting over it. What should I do??

Mrs,

Good to hear from you. It is (unfortunately) normal to be on the roller coaster. Now you're seeing some good days.

You have been consistent in your thinking since July. So you have given it 6 months. The consistency in your thinking tells me that another 6 months wouldn't change your mind. I'm concerned that another 6 months would impede your healing.

I left him on ground hogs day. It hurt. I cried. But I felt a sense of peace. He was devastated. He sobbed while we packed my things (this is a man who never cries). But be respected my wishes and did not stop me from leaving. Ironically, we talked everyday on the phone while separated. He has even been by my apartment and changed tires on my truck. I felt like this could work. We could divorce and be civil to each other. On March 4, he had a heart attack. I've been at his side ever since. I've even moved back in to care for him. I feel so bad. Lord knows, I love him. I don't have any ill will for him. I just couldn't get past his affair and subsequent lies. I feel like this is my fault, though, I know it's not. The kids blame me. All they know is he didn't want the separation, they don't know details of the affair. Mom hates me right now. She advised me to stay. Even our pastor, in so may words told me this happened because I disobeyed his council. Oddly, my husband suports me. He says I canthink be blamed for his mistakes. He says he may have had the heart attack even if we were together. I'm a train wreck. I'm fighting tears to write this. What do I do??,

You did not cause his heart attack. That’s a load of crap.

What’s his prognosis? Will he recover?

If and when he does I would tell him that is he wants a chance to recover with you that he has to be open and honest to all the family about what he did to cause you pain and force the separation.

I’d also drop that pastor. He sounds awful and self centered.

You do not have the power to make hearts stop working, no matter what others say. It’s nice that you are helping him heal but it should not be all on you.

Make sure you take time to focus on your own health and well-being. No one else will do that for you.

If you haven’t already, find a close friend you can trust and tell them the whole story and ask them for their support to help you thru this.

Take care.

Oh Mrs Ashamed I am so sorry to read about this turn of events. It is NOT your fault. I can hardly believe the cruelty of your pastor implying in so many words that it was - just because you ignored his counsel. That was a despicable thing for him to do. Please ignore that.

I think you have been very kind to move back in to care for your husband. I wish him a speedy recovery, and I do applaud him for caring being remorseful enough to not try to score points or use this as an opportunity to try to guilt you into promising reconciliation.

As for the children being angry with you...How old are they? I can't remember how old they were..because this is a tough one. Usually I'd say that maybe it's time to tell them in an age appropriate manner the truth that your husband had an affair and that you weren't to blame for the problems in the marriage. There doesn't have to be any more details given than that. But at the same time, their father has just had a heart attack, which will obviously have upset and frightened them. It's a very delicate situation to be sure and I'm not really sure what I'd do.

Once again, I'm so sorry that this has happened to you and your husband. Hopefully, wiser heads than mine will be along to give you some better advice. You are in my thoughts.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 1:24 PM, March 8th (Thursday)]

Thanks. Logically, I know I didn't cause it. But I feel terrible. I didn't want this to happen. I still love him. I just wanted out of what I feel is a failed marrIage from his deception. I promise, I wish no harm to him. People are so creul... I'm never going back to church, and we've going there 10 years..I'm so disappointed with my pastor..I gave everything to my marriage. I always putmy husband and kids before me. I would never have done this to him. Never.. I swear..He's recorvering. But I'm not. I don't know which hurts worse, his affair or this heart attack..his doctor says it's likEly stressed induced.

Pastor's got a big of a God Complex, doesn't he? Asshat.

Glad WH sees the truth. Thing is, no one else really will unless they know the truth about the A. Beyond that, if your WH wants to make amends to you (which he should even with R off the table), he should be eager to meet with or write to these people, exonerating you for any culpability in this.

He cheated which resulted in you leaving which may or may not have resulted in his heart attack.

IF you leaving indirectly caused the heart attack, everyone needs to remember WHY you left.

Actions meet consequences.

I'm really, really sorry you have to face people's judgement. It's not right. They're not right. You did what you had to because of what he did.

It's OK if cheating is a deal-breaker!

assholepastor.

Undoubtedly, but his stress is on him.

The pastor has a point only so far as your leaving caused more stress, but that's something that you bear ZERO responsibility for.

It's too bad it was impossible for your WH to make decisions that would bring him less stress...

And my own mama says that I'm the stress that induced this heart attack. I just can't stop crying. It hurts so bad. Mama knows I love him. She knows how much I hurt after this affair. She knows I wouldn't hurt my husband. She knows ME. yet she thinks I streseed him into a heart attack. My husband had to pull my mother to the side and ask her not to say anything else to me. And she's like, "even after you've given him a heart attack hes worried about your feelings. He's a good man. You don't deserve him" really mama???really???

Does your mom know about the A?

Her logic is absurd if that's the case.

If he ate nothing but meat and got colon cancer, would it be your fault? These are the consequences of an affair, and they are all on him.

My pastor, my mama, my sisters all know details of the affair. My kids do not. They were supportive, until I left him. No actually believed I would leave him. They thought we would work it out. And I tried. I went back and forth for months (dDAY was July 10. I didn't leave till Feb 2)I got in therapy. I talked things over with him. Truth is the affair is not why I left. The possibility of the kids being his is not even why I left. 11 years of deception is why I left. I know people make mistakes. Mama says men have been cheating since beginning of time. But 11 years of deceit was too much. I am not a monster for leaving