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That is ALL you have to do over the next week to move the needle towards regaining control.

Noted. Shark I appreciate the consistent advice from you, you are my wingman right now.

I'm proud that I can be of any assistance to ya man. You'll get out of this.... there are 50,000 people here who are living proof of it.

That emoji ..can it be a coincidence? I have never heard of that but never even considered it....

Another key thing that you mentioned is that even after all this time, and tribulation that you both have been going through she is still pining away for the OM and wishing to talk to him because he "gets her".

I think he not only gets her but he's had her as well. Many times...

If he gets her so much more than you do, tell her they should be together and let her go. You need to be willing to lose the marriage in order to save it.

"W's best idea is to have OM tell me there wasn't a PA." .... and you'd believe him!!?? Look, hypnosis isn't for everyone and unless your W has tried to be placed under hypnosis and failed she just might. Though her past resistance to even another poly probably would rule success out. Hypnosis works by bypassing the critical conscious mind (usually through relaxation or linguistic techniques) and speaking directly to the unconscious in a language which it understands. Not perfect but, for me, I got a lot of info that tied everything together.....but.....my fiancee embraced the idea of hypnosis, she wanted to prove that there wasn't anything else left to tell me. It also helped her to tie up the timeline in her head. Something your W isn't likely to do. If getting the whole the truth is not necessary for you to try R then go for it. Perhaps she will change her way and live a life of honesty and integrity. Good luck to the both of you.

You don't need to analyze an emoji. At this point you are just pain shopping. She failed a poly. You have your answers.

Pine,

Either your wife doesn’t get it or she doesn’t choose her words carefully.

After 20 years of marriage the OM is the only one that “gets her”? What could possibly happen in the next 20 years of marriage that will make you “get her”? What hope is SHE giving the marriage if the OM is really the only one that “gets her”? If you don’t “get her” then what’s she trying to save?

Pine – I have what most would consider a good marriage. It’s not with the fiancé that I walked in on having sex with someone that wasn’t me. I met my wife about 20 months later. One key element in our marriage (and we worked HARD to make it good) is that I am my wife’s best friend and she is mine. She “gets” me and I “get” her. She has a good girl-friend and I have my good friends, but my WIFE is my BEST friend.

Heck Pine. I would be tempted to suggest you tell your wife she’s free to remain friends with OM. After all – he “gets” her and his wife seems OK with the friendship. Only that since there is no trust and since in 20 years you have been incapable of “getting” her then maybe the most honest thing would be to stop this façade of reconciliation and start discussing how to move on without each other.

Then there is one more lie: First post she claims to have deleted OM contact info. The other day she looks for his contact info on phone to call him to get the truth…

She thinks that since I believe the poly, and not her, then R isn't possible and M is doomed.

Pine – the problem is that you don’t believe your wife, not that you believe the poly. If you believed the poly you wouldn’t still be searching for the truth. You would know the truth. You would be seriously considering if you can reconcile from KNOWING your wife had a physical affair with OM. I still sense some doubt in you. I get that, I really do. You want to base your future on something that’s tangible.

OK – so let’s think of how to get something more tangible…

Why does she refuse another poly? New operator, she knows what she’s getting into. Surely, she will pass if she’s being truthful.

Have you asked her what she can do to convince you?

What would her reaction to hypnosis be? (no – not YOUR reaction…)

Since OM and his wife are so OK with the friendship then maybe they would be willing to sit down with you and go over the time-line? Like did his wife know of the concert and that he took your wife to the concert? Did his wife know of this event or that event? After all – she is his best friend and nothing bad happened…

Falling back on my LEO years. A key in nearly all investigations is the money-trail. Early on you mention lingerie. How does she pay for it? Can you go over cc statements and maybe see some Victoria Secret charges coinciding with the week before trips out of town? In fact – pull out cc statements from the affair time-period and focus on days before known trips out of town plus the days on-site. Look at the period before holidays like Christmas. Any withdrawals for presents you don’t recognize?

I’m guessing that with +20 years’ marriage and this being her second marriage you guys are +45 years. I’m surprised you guys know what an emoji is, let alone the secret etymology behind them. I wouldn’t focus too much on it.

This is just getting painful to read anymore. You know all the answers to your questions, if she actually admitted to them I'm not sure you would accept even that at this point. You're chasing an inside straight that isnt going to pay off. Time to fold. ImO, you're wasting time and energy that could be put to better use finding a someone else to love.

If she says om 'gets' her, let him 'have' her.

Thing is, you can bet your last dollar om won't respond in kind.

And, yes, Sharkman is a pro.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 10:05 PM, August 27th (Sunday)]

This is just getting painful to read anymore. You know all the answers to your questions...

You are right. It's just really for me to answer for myself now. Can I live with what she's done and try to move forward knowing that there's no confession coming? Or do I cut bate? I'm done posting. Thanks everyone for your .02. I know a lot of you have given much of your time and thought, and I appreciate it very much. I won't put any more out here. 23 pages is enough. Good luck to you all.

You really should stick around and take advantage of other parts of the forum, especially if you want to try to work on things with your WW.

There is a lot of good material in The Healing Library to take advantage of, as well as the Reconciliation forum.

It is understandable why you are frustrated. The reason you are frustrated is because this is running away on you. You need to wrest control back.

Gently, you need to not worry what people say, including us and your wife. Concentrate on actions. Your next step is picking up the phone and sharing the failed results with OBS.

Pineapple, keep posting. You are getting there and we all know how painful it can be. I was fortunate that my WW was remorseful immediately. Of course, I had all the goods on her before I ever confronted, so please excuse MY frustration when I see you hurting and confused. Sometimes when you have eliminated all the other possibilities, the only obvious answer left is probably correct, no matter how difficult that is to accept.

I rooting for you, Pine. Stay at it, you will get there.

I can't remember how you left with the Posom's wife but you should contact her at least one more time and tell her your wife failed the poly.

This could help in two ways.

Your wife may have contacted him to inform him of the results and he may already be making excuses. That would mean they are still in contact.

Also, it may convince her to pressure him into a confession.

I really like the suggestion to go over credit card bills with a fine tooth comb.

Good luck

Thanks for the well wishes, Pine! That really touched me. I've been told to read your thread, and I've been in and out a few times. I'm so sorry for your pain. Only a BS can comprehend the agony of betrayal. and I feel your pain.

Strength brother!

Pineapple,

You may say you're done but we're not giving up on you. I like to think of us all as weird anonymous internet friends. But sometimes friends need to disagree with one another. We want you to do well and I don't agree with you decision not to post anymore.

You've come so far that if I knew you in real life I'd give you an elbow to the sternum if you tried to ignore me.

Dude.

Hey Shark, I've just been lurking on the site and absorbing the collective wisdom of the SI posters commenting on the train wrecks in other people's lives rather than in my own. I find it much easier to digest the message minus the personal impact. In a week I will have time to investigate my legal options while W travels overseas. Meanwhile I remain in a state of Active Fidelity.

Meanwhile I remain in a state of Active Fidelity.

Pine, you do fit in here!...humor...even gallows humor...is always appreciated. Dry humor with a touch of sting behind it.

The emoji-

I will admit that I never knew that meant straight up sex. However, as a woman, I use the angle emoji when I'm trying to be coy but really being naughty. It's a way to flirt. I'll give you a random example:

I love the way you look in just a towel after your shower. (angel baby emoji)

Meaning I'm saying something provocative, while pretending to be innocent, but really I want you know I'm a "bad" girl with impure thoughts. Get it? I do believe that she may not have known that equals sex. I'm pretty up to speed and I didn't know. However, the meaning behind it is pretty clear. Sorry.

It's basically at MINIMUM saying "want to go to the bar and get drinks? I promise I'll be a good girl (aka angel) but you know that's not the truth'. (insert wink face)

But agree with all others, you do not need to analyze this one too much. Not worth it.

Pine,

I figured you were still kicking around. If posting here hurts the cause then for sure dial it back, just wanted to let you know we were still in your corner my man.

Pine, If I was too much of an asshole, I apologize, but it was out of bro love. My hope was to piss you off enough that you'd come up swinging. Get in the fight.

I'd be more than happy to buy you a couple of beers and help you out anyway I could, but it won't stop me from kicking you square in the ass when you need it. That's what friends do.