SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is what I wrote shortly calling my wife out on her affair..been awhile since I wrote it but covers my devastation. So much more has come to light and I still am in a state of confusion, anger and filled with the thoughts that's she hasn't fully come clean. But here you go :

I know it is gonna come out at some time so here it is. I found out my wife had been having an affair for the last 18 months. She only knew this guy 3 days before She had oral sex in our family van at a event, then meet him for sex 2 days later. A couple of months later she fly out to Arizona for one day saying she had a work convention but it was to be with him and got them a room to have sex for the day. They spent the rest of the time emailing each other dirty messages, pics and videos. She even let him make a sex tape of them while they we together in Arizona and keep it for awhile to enjoy herself in bed while we were not in the house. In august of 2015 she had another convention in Vegas and they were planing on meet there but he got caught again and it ended up not happening.I have been talking with his wife the whole time the last 5 days trying to help each other out why..both of them have said it wasn't love and that is was just for the excitement and that they didn't even enjoy the sex and had wished that part had not happened.. they just liked each other and nothing more. I confronted her back in march and she swore she wasn't cheating and would never do anything like this and broke down..but that was because she already knew what she had done it. However she and him didn't even quit after that. The wife and confronted her shortly after the first time and begged her. She told her that she would stop but that he contacted her and convinced her to keep going to which he admitted. She just didn't care enough because she was on this kind of high..she later wanted it to be over but he wouldn't let go and she tried to distance herself..but he keep going and she did it just to appease him and slowly pushed him away. She was hoping that he would just go away and this could just be put in the past and get on with her life. Till I found the message from the wife and contacted her. She said in way way she was glad because that she wanted it to be done but didn't know how to get out of it. That me finally finding out now was her only final escape from it but didn't fully realize what she had done to me. I was ready to fly the and kill him on Friday..had my bags pack and ready to go late into the night..I stopped because of his wife and his 3 boys..I don't know what's going to happen..

Like I said his was written a week after..

Your wife has no respect for you bro divorce her.

Does any cheating spouse respect their spouses?

Tex, I understand your desire to gut this POSOM (POS other man) like a fish, but he and your WW aren't worth spending the rest of your life in prison. So don't go there.

Rather, I think you need to ask yourself if - knowing what you now know about your WW - you still want to be married. You may hate the POSOM, but ultimately he didn't do anything that your WW didn't want him to do. Also, he wasn't at your wedding and didn't exchange vows with you, but she did. So, assign the blame where it belongs and take actions to get yourself out of infidelity. A divorce (D) is a legitimate option in situations like this.

Read as much as you can on this site. The healing library is great, and I've learned so much from reading stories of other BH (betrayed husbands). I'd recommend looking for threads started by Spaceghost, Walloped, ManualGTR, YHGTBKM, Fife, ohforanewme, and others. You will see that although the people change, the actions and reactions of the involved parties are remarkably similar in all of the stories. People even joke that cheating spouse behavior is so similar it appears to come from a manual, The Cheating Spouse Handbook. You can use what worked for other BHs to get out of infidelity quicker and with more of your sanity intact. Good luck to you!

Do you want to be in a marriage with someone that is truly pining away for another man? I wouldn't.

Your real beef should be with her, not him. She is the one who took vows and committed to you.

You can try to reconcile if she is fully remorseful, but do you really think she is?

If you are not already you should be talking to a lawyer whether you go for D or try to R. You need to know your options.

I think she needs years of therapy. Who does this to their spouse after knowing someone for 3 days? Only a very troubled person.

Life is too short in my opinion. I give you credit if you want to try and stick it out 3-5 years on the hope that therapy MAY help her.

I'm sorry. Unless there is something you are not telling us, I'd move on. Find your path to happiness elsewhere.

Good luck.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 9:18 AM, July 21st (Friday)]

I've come to understand he was just a tool for her. That I have accepted. We have 3 boys and now are expecting another one. Which I am happy for but sad and upset at the same time if that makes sense. I have been reading a lot and have been reading a lot on this site for a couple of months before finally joining. I have become someone I don't even know anymore and that kills me that she would do this to me knowing my past and such. I never know where my mind will be from one moment to another..sometimes I see my old self and treat her almost like I did before the affair and then bam!! I blow up..DD was oct 26 2016 and I still feel just as lost and confused. I haven't divorced yet because I want to not jump the gun just yet. But there are days I really just want to bite the bullet and take my kids and go.

Our posts crossed paths. Hope u dont miss mine above yours.

Stevens:

My initial post pretty much sums the affair up..their in person contact was limited to the first 3 instances..rest was all phone, text, FaceTime and emails for the rest of the affair. She was 24/7 about him. Would donitnwhile with our children or while we were together as a family, at work and while out doing ref stuff..store etc..she focus all her free time and even made a large amount of time for this guy. Talked and did things with this guy she would never do for me ever.

I hate to bring this up to you man but I think it must be considered. You say this has been going on for 18 months and your wife is pregnant?

Are you certain this child is yours?

[This message edited by beenthereinco at 9:30 AM, July 21st (Friday)]

Yes it is mine, she had an IUD during the affair and the guy lived out of state. He wouldn't travel to see her, he didn't want her that bad which is why she flew to him. To was too damn blind to see she was just his F toy and everything he told her was all lies. The guy was married and with 3 boys our boys age. That she knew but the rest was bs to get her to do everything he wanted. He dumped her back at the end of Sept 2016. His wife and I talk regular to which she has comfirmed. He has found god ever since he ended it because his wife had a miscarriage 16weeks into it. I'm sure that's way it all ended. Sorry I tend to rant and get off topic a lot..my mind races and doesn't stay focused.

The affair started May18 2015 and ended Sept 23 2016

They were caught first time May30 and then in Mid Sept. both times in 2015

I'm sorry you are here TX.

Besides the OBS (other betrayed spouse), do you have anyone else to confide in?

What is your W(ayward) W(ife) doing to help you heal?

We go to MC but other than that I have kind of gone into a shell. Have met some new people at this little dive bar by my house where older people hang. Many of them have become friends and I can talk to from time to time. It has helped a little. As far as her she is trying but It tends to get me upset as I just don't want anything from her right now. Nothing she does or says comforts me. I still feel lost and confused with a constant state of not knowing what I'm doing with anything. My kids are my only escape at times. I am a complete mess and have no focus.

1. All cheaters say the sex wasn't good. They wish it wasn't part of it. They didn't orgasm, etc. They're lying.

2. All cheaters say the other party kept pulling them back. They wanted to end it but [insert more lie here]. They're lying.

3. Many cheaters say they're glad they were caught because they didn't know how to end it. They're lying. The truth is that they were enjoying themselves and never planned to end it.

4. Most betrayed men want to beat the crap out of the other man. They're misinformed. He didn't force her into your van and shove his package into her mouth. She'll blame him all day long but the truth is that in every act of sex, the woman makes the final decision. The man can entice but if she wasn't raped then she was the decision maker, not him.

5. First time getting caught doesn't equate to the only time cheating has occurred. Most cheaters don't come fully clean. They'll leave out details, dates, number of times having sex, and anything else they think that you won't find out later. Polygraph if you want truth.

6. Most cheaters don't protect themselves against STD's. Get yourself and her tested for everything ASAP. A fellow locally got a prison sentence for not divulging to his lovers (plural) that he had HSV2.

7. Because you don't know how many men she's been with, you would do well to get your kids, including the new one, DNA tested.

8. Take her name off of everything that's yours. Separate your finances and belongings now. Even if you don't divorce, you need to protect yourself and your kids from her potential future behavior.

9. If you decide to separate, keep possession of the home and the kids. She moves out, not you or the kids. This puts you in a stronger position if it comes to divorce.

10. Confer with a good men's lawyer. Don't go to just any divorce lawyer. Find a men's lawyer that has a good reputation and who will fight for you and your kids. Even if you don't divorce, knowing your rights and what to expect is wise.

11. Have your lawyer draw up a post-nuptial agreement and have her sign it. Protect your and your kids' future.

Sorry about your situation.

So it's very confusing to me when that was written. Or more importantly when did she last have contact with him?

And are you sure no contact since when ever you say NC started?

Quote: So it's very confusing to me when that was written.

Was written a week after full confrontation. I was trying to write down the events she had confessed to so that I could re-read it when I was calmer.

Or more importantly when did she last have contact with him?

Contact: 1st May 18th 2015

2nd May 20th 2015

last July 31 2015 when she flew to AZ to spend the day with him

they had one more attempt that didn't happen when she went to Vegas for business conference. He got caught a second time by his wife so they didn't get to meet. She was going to have him stay with her a couple of days with her since she had a nice hotel room they could share. She claims she was glad he didn't end up meeting her.

And are you sure no contact since when ever you say NC started? yes, I have set things in motion I will not discuss to confirm it. I also stay in good contact with her AP wife as well.

Texas.

I understand now. So I think you have to decide if you want to keep/save your marriage. That is the first step. It takes hard work from both of you. Not just her. Harder than you've been doing. It's almost as if you are still back at the NC day with nothing really accomplished since then.

Then you have to figure out if she is truly remorseful for what she has done. If she is and also wants to work on the marriage then you may have a chance. If not, then you might as well go separate ways. Just D and only talk finances and kids.

MC is worthless at this point.

If you are all in you each separately need to commit to IC. She needs to work on why she overstepped her vows so easily and how to become a safe partner for you or anyone if you D.

And you need to work on the pain her actions caused you.

So think about it. Do u want to do that hard work. It could take several years even.

Is she remorseful? If she is you'd be seeing these characteristics:

- She would be inconsolable with the thought of how she was the cause of so much pain to the person she loves most in the world.

- she would be begging to know what she could do to make it right.

- for you she would want to let everyone know it was her that screwed up, not you.

- she would want to read books on how to support her BS

- she would be in IC as much as possible to figure out what went wrong with her and how she could do this to the person she loves most in the world

- she would feel your pain more than her own and put your happiness ahead of hers.

- she would give you an open timeline of everything that happened.

- she would write you a letter of apology highlighting how she must have made you feel

- she would focus most on your well being, ignoring her own

- she would realize what the OM really is and start being sick at the thought of him/her. She would start calling him/her names like POS for how he helped her destroy her life.

Think about it. Let us know where you stand.

1. All cheaters say the sex wasn't good. They wish it wasn't part of it. They didn't orgasm, etc. They're lying.

I would love to believe what she said but I feel you are right and she just would rather die than admit to it.

2. All cheaters say the other party kept pulling them back. They wanted to end it but [insert more lie here]. They're lying.

I know she had no intent to end it. She was really done with it but enjoyed the talking fantasies. She basically would have kept going until he quit. Which he did.

3. Many cheaters say they're glad they were caught because they didn't know how to end it. They're lying. The truth is that they were enjoying themselves and never planned to end it.

So true.

4. Most betrayed men want to beat the crap out of the other man. They're misinformed. He didn't force her into your van and shove his package into her mouth. She'll blame him all day long but the truth is that in every act of sex, the woman makes the final decision. The man can entice but if she wasn't raped then she was the decision maker, not him.

He know who I was and even told how he thought I was a good guy...guess it was cause he was fing her. However I am very old school..not even about him and her. He was ex military who got kicked out and lied about being Spec ops.. I can not let that go. He blue falconed me(military term) and when I confronted him on the phone he knew it was gonna be bad for him should I ever see him. But he is safe as long as I don't see him. Don't believe I could hold back if I saw his face.

5. First time getting caught doesn't equate to the only time cheating has occurred. Most cheaters don't come fully clean. They'll leave out details, dates, number of times having sex, and anything else they think that you won't find out later. Polygraph if you want truth.

I feel she has cheated before or with a second person either during or before the affair. She was just too good at it for a beginner. Poly has been talked about.

6. Most cheaters don't protect themselves against STD's. Get yourself and her tested for everything ASAP. A fellow locally got a prison sentence for not divulging to his lovers (plural) that he had HSV2.

they used no protection and the only time he did get off he did it in her while on video. I did go get tested and she did as well.

7. Because you don't know how many men she's been with, you would do well to get your kids, including the new one, DNA tested.

This has also been discussed and will happen.

8. Take her name off of everything that's yours. Separate your finances and belongings now. Even if you don't divorce, you need to protect yourself and your kids from her potential future behavior.

Certain things are in motion.

9. If you decide to separate, keep possession of the home and the kids. She moves out, not you or the kids. This puts you in a stronger position if it comes to divorce.

My attorney has informed me of this awhile back.

10. Confer with a good men's lawyer. Don't go to just any divorce lawyer. Find a men's lawyer that has a good reputation and who will fight for you and your kids. Even if you don't divorce, knowing your rights and what to expect is wise.

Was done back in Dec 2015

11. Have your lawyer draw up a post-nuptial agreement and have her sign it. Protect your and your kids' future.

This is for sure going to happen.

Stevesn:

We go to MC once a week for 1 hr. How ever I don't feel its enough time for use to really get into things and allow the therapist to approach each subject. To me her only scheduling 1hr each week just says its not that important to get to the meat of things.

One thing I've been reading about is how ex cheater now say they would never cheat again because the saw the pain the inflicted and now they have children. What does it as when you have children and they do it? When the AP has children the same age and she still continues? If the AP spouse is pregnant and she would still continue the A? What does it tell me about this person?