SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I started out after DD not want to make a quick decision on what to do. My WW has been pushing and begging for R. I have had a hard time with that as I no longer have feeling for her in a way that would lead to R. But I decided to give MC a chance and time for her to come clean on her own. I have pretty much had to force everything out and she hasn't really made a lot of effort in my eyes to prove she wants to work hard on fixing everything she has broken. After counseling yesterday I went for a few drink and then it was like a bomb went off in my head. I cant stay with her.. I cant force myself to get over her wanting to enjoy another man and to place him before me and our children.. Making him the center of her world only after knowing him 2 days and then continuing for 17 months. Today I have been doing a lot of thinking and feel D is best. That it is going to be the only thing to give use real healing. With her everything feels fake and like a lie. Was just wondering if anyone else has had the same experience? Or am I just hitting one of this extremely frustrating moments and feel its time to just give up.

I learned to accept a number of unacceptable things in order to provide my four children the most normal childhood experience possible. But that's certainly an individual choice.

Texas, I go through days like that too...going through a couple days like that now. This process is not easy and it's going to take a long time, sometimes I ask myself if it would be easier to just quit and get a divorce but I would still feel all this pain from what my WH did either way. I guess the real question is, do you think your WW is committed to R and do you know what that should look like? The WS is going through their own process and sometimes I find myself expecting things from my WH that maybe I shouldn't yet at this stage of the process, so I have to look at the overall progress he is making, tell him my concerns and see how he reacts. I guess I am going by the overall trend, trying not to rush things even though he is not moving as fast as I expect...I am sure he is probably thinking the same about me but he better not say it or that would set us back and probably be a sure sign he is not willing to R!!! What efforts do you need your WW wife to show you she is willing to work on things that she is not? Have you told her that you need to see these things from her?

I've been there. One day divorce is what I want and the next I wanted r. I planned for both lol.

I felt and still feel this way often. One thing that helped me, as NTV alluded to, is planning for both. Imagine what D looks like - go see a lawyer to get a realistic view. Even start taking steps towards.

Also imagine what R looks like, which would include the answers to the questions NoLongerAlive poses.

It is tough to tell what is a frustrating moment and what is a decision. I try to remember there is no rush. Start living the way you want to live, for yourself. Focus on what WW is (or isn't) doing rather than what more WW could be doing. That may answer some of those questions. I guess one way for me to tell the difference is how often I feel that way. Do you have any hopeful moments? If you are consistently feeling "done" then that may be your decision talking.

Take your time, take care of yourself. Wishing you clarity and peace.

You could go to an attorney and get papers drafted. Go through that process and pay attention to your thoughts and feelings on it. You can always stop proceedings.

Or maybe you could talk to your WW about it.

It's not over till it's over, but starting to move that direction may give you clarity on which is the best option for you R or D. Some couples on here D'd then later R'd.

I think both are legitimate means of getting out of infidelity.

What you are feeling is completely normal. Heartbreaking and soul crushing but normal.

That is why it's called the rollercoaster ride from hell.

I am 5.5 years post Dday and there are times when a simple disagreement will send me to the "why did I stay" state of mind. It is not necessarily logical but emotional.

It is so hard to reconcile the HOW and the WHY our WS chose to do this to us and our families.

I struggled with wanting to R with leaving so many times.

I don't advocate or R or D. It truly is an individual decision and choice. Only you know what you believe is right for you and your family. I do believe both are painful regardless.

Perhaps if you meet with an attorney to know what your rights, options and obligations should you D you might feel you have some knowledge/control to better weigh your ultimate decision.

I felt for many years after Dday, the fake persona syndrome. There were good days but then the sudden crush of reality would hit me and I would feel like a schmuck for staying. Uncertainty is the baggage you will carry either way.

Deep breath. Hug your kids and keep posting.

So sorry you are here.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 11:10 PM, July 26th (Wednesday)]

If I remember some of your other posts, you are still extremely early on. You are bound to be a mess for good while yet. As stated on some of the others, plan both. Talk to a lawyer see what it looks like. First consult is usually free. If you want start proceedings. You don't necessarily have to tell your wife.

For that matter you could take the middle step fo a separation - go to MC for both of you and work it out there, Set a time limit of 3 to 6 months. Set the rules - No dating for either of you, and how you want to handle the kids. Maybe take the first few weeks off from each other except for weekly MC. Then add a date once a week... see where it goes, and what she does....

For that matter, maybe take a few days and disappear so you can figure out your options and how you want to proceed. Getting out and away could do wonders.

Anger usually starts around six months out

Sometimes...the best plan is to divorce and make a clean break....and after a while...if you still love each other...there is no reason you cannot start over.

TH...there is no wrong answer. There is the BEST answer for you. Not for her...for you.

As you know there lays the problem, she's pregnant with our fourth child which is part my fault. But now these feeling are coming over me and I am looking at D as the real option. So there is no real Best option anymore. Just all bad out comes it seems. I already feel like a worthless piece of crap and then add having these extra feeling when I have another child on its way just makes one jump of that cliff.

[This message edited by Texashunter41 at 7:23 AM, July 27th (Thursday)]

i am in Texas and have four kids myself. My wife and I divorced, then remarried with pre- and post-nups, then divorced again. Currently I am paying for an apartment for her and the kids come and go. But soon she will move back in and "shack up." I got custody in both divorces.

So, having thought through these things myself:

If you get custody you will be overwhelmed and damage your career, based on my experience.

If she gets "standard order" primary custody you will never see your kids and have to live in a small apartment yourself.

If you get 50/50 then neither of you will be able to afford sufficient housing for four kids.

How about divorcing but living together monogamously and see if you can rebuild? Or get a post-nup? Something to give her a consequence for the affair while still recognizing the realities of having four kids?

Texas, are you reading all the responses? Have you 1) identified what you need and expect from your WW to show remorse and help you heal and 2) have you told her what these things are? If not, I would write them down on paper, hand her the list and go through them 1 by 1 to make sure she understands and agrees to each one of them immediately. If it has been 6 months or so since Dday and she has shown little or no progress to meeting your needs, then maybe you have your answer. If you think this is maybe a bump in the road, give it more time, but you need to keep communicating with her and tell her how you feel right now. Don't avoid confrontation because it's difficult, that's part of the work of reconciliation. Only you know the answer of what's right in your situation and how the big picture looks based on how things have progressed, I just caution you on making a decision based on how you are feeling on a couple of days when it is so early in the process. You should consult a few lawyers and know your rights and be prepared if you do decide to file in the future, do it without telling her. That helped me.

TH...you know that she believes she is trying...are you reading her posts?

and if she is not addressing the issues you need to tell her.

I am still hoping the two of you work this out...but somehow..it doesn't feel like the two of you are communication with each other. You are able to express how you feel on forums and she does the same...but are you talking about it with each other?

The baby does complicate things...but the baby will be loved by the both of you regardless if the two of you are together or not. This cannot be about the baby or the other three kids.

This is about you and ruined....and you have to approach it this way. I just think you are so overwhelmed....and sometimes...the affair especially one like your wife's...is just too much.

You are going to IC right?

If it's no longer there, then it's no longer there. It hurts the both of you and your children to pretend and play the game.

Sometimes in life one has to do what one has to do for their happiness and security. If it isn't with her, then so be it. But please don't fake you way thru it all. That will build a lot of resentment.

f it has been 6 months or so since Dday and she has shown little or no progress to meeting your needs, then maybe you have your answer

Isn't this the truth? We see this everyday. The difference in R based on the actions of the WS.

Read people's threads where the WS is jumping through hoops. Granted, it is normally the WH doing so vs WW. Anyway...even with a WS going above 100%, remorseful, attempting all they can to save the marriage and rebuild themselves....R still hurts.

Without your needs being met....R cannot be done. It just cannot. Look at posters who do not have over 100% being giving. The bitterness, hurt, depression. It is awful.

R cannot happen without the WS digging in!!!!

You can co-exist with one another. If your reasons for staying married are worth co-existing. I don't know what your reasons for marriage are. Seeing your kids everyday? I don't know.

I do know expecting love and respect from your WW will not happen. Her POV no where near matches yours. The getting pregnant to appease you is just another example of USING another life for her selfish reasons.

Babies as you know need a lot of care. You have 3 other children. Where is the time for you both as a couple? This pregnancy is a shield to avoid the hard work two people need for R.

If the need to be home with your children is your reason It's a beautiful quality. Just do not expect anything other than co-existence. Your wife is not at all R material at this time. She has so much to work on.

[This message edited by Iwantmyglasses at 8:49 AM, July 27th (Thursday)]

I agree, she claims she is trying everything but that I just don't/wont see it because of my hurt and anger. Problem is I am watching.. To me its all Half assed attempts and when she doesn't get the reaction she wants she quits. Just like our marriage and during the A. She always acts as if she is trying but in reality she isn't really putting in hard effort. And to be honest that is one of the many reasons I just don't care to want to carry on. Shes all talk no action.. She felt having another child with me would prove how much she wants the marriage now and how serious she is. To me that was he attempt at trying hard all in one nice little box.. Ta Da!! see I did hard work honey

That's good to hear. I'm sure you've had heart to heart talks with her but have another one. Actually write out all of these things that you must have for a successful R. A word of advice, make them positive things for your relationship, not punitive "pound of flesh" kind of things. You'll never get your pound of flesh from her so if you want to stay together, let that go and move forward.

Anyway, list these things out, discuss them with her. Look her straight in the eyes lovingly and say I want this to work but these things are an absolute must. Any failure on your part on any of these things and I have to move forward with divorce for my own health.

[This message edited by CincyKid at 9:19 AM, July 27th (Thursday)]

Tex,

I was once married to the king of the "grand gesture." You know, someone who would do ONE SOLITARY thing (usually something easy and non-emotional like buying me a new car) to "prove" that he was on board.

You know and I know that those grand gestures aren't worth anything and that genuine healing comes from a great deal of difficult, emotional work.

If she's not putting it in, I agree that it's not going to work. And really, what is a grander gesture than getting pregnant? Seriously?

Cat

"You won't see it, because of your hurt and anger"

I am feeling fiesty this morning. I don't know what the dynamics of your marriage were before her affair. I know what her justifications were to have oral sex in a van with a man she doesn't know.

I am a 41 year old woman with 3 children. I had a spouse who was 90% checked out of our home life. When I say I was the stepford wife. I mean it. Pretty, I was called the trophy wife. My home was clean. Our children great students. I planned our date nights. I took care of everything. My oil changes, our bills, 9 moves in 15 years of marriage. Kids needed procedures, I sat in the waiting room alone while our children were out under. Miscarriage...I held my two year old on my chest during ultrasound. Because WH had to work. Sexual rejection. Bam. It was all there.

I cannot begin to tell you how my stomach turns when I see WW give excuses about the state of their marriages. My WH AP had a beautiful career and guess what. She was just miserable with her husband. So the excuse of being miserable and neglected to cheat is such utter crap. You know why???? I was beaten as a child. I was molested. I watched my brother taken off a street while we played. And guess what...I wanted better. My desire as a mother was to create a wonderful life for my family and my husband.

My husband did not deserve to have an affair and the attention. The rush. I did. I prayed every night that my husband would turn to me and see me. To feel his love. I thought he had some type of spectrum disorder.

He didn't!!!! He had a selfish ass disorder. Just like your WW does. His disorder has been cured since I saw divorce attorneys. Thank goodness we had a great marriage counselor. She saw exactly what was occurring in our marriage.

The excuses about the misery of the marriage. Is it crap. I share with you all I went through so you can see the difference. People who do not cheat are loyal and have an inner quality that does not exist in a cheater.

The cheater has to work like hell. She doesn't get to tell you of all people to stop hurting. Her answer to make herself feel better was to cheat with a stranger. Just as my WH did.

And for what???? For absolutely nothing.

Could you both come out on the other side??? Maybe. Right now, she doesn't have the ability. 18 months of deception isn't fixed in 6 months.