SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I can hardly believe i have written "affair by text" about my own husband of 23 years 😔 I also feel a bit of a drama queen after reading some of the so very sad stories on here as (as far as i know) there has been no physical affair.

My husband - A, has a large building firm and has been managing a multi million pound house refurb for a couple. In Jan she decided to project manage alongside A, and last week whilst we were thousands of miles away from home with our 5 children (aged 22,21,20, 19 &12)on holiday I found out accidentally that their relationship is more than just professional. I was innocently using his phone to show the children where we were going the next day (there were photos of our "favourite beach in the world" that we took last month when we were there as a couple. As i scrolled through (at this point he was dancing on the terrace after having a few glasses of wine and i think didnt register i was using his phone and not mine) i saw a selfie of a woman, directly followed by one of him - non sexual or suggestive but taken in their beds. but I just knew it felt wrong. I took the phone and went inside leaving him none the wiser. She had sent her photo at 2.37am last Thursday while we were on our holiday, i had gone to sleep in with my 12 year old as he had a nightmare so was obviously not in mine and A's bed. He sent his pic back at 2.44am so there was obviously some dialogue between them. I went into messages and whatsapp he had deleted every single text from her - now they obviously communicate as they are working together, but there was no evidence whatsoever. I went through his photos again, found a few selfies that i'd never seen before....maybe my suspicions just went into overtime but my head was spinning.

I confronted him. Firstly he made excuses about the photos. I asked him why he didnt understand that sending her anything non job related was wrong let alone photos in the middle of the night, why did he feel he had to show her an insight into his private life when he was on holiday with his family? And why was she reciprocating? By now i was throwing up. He then admitted the texts were a bit "too flirty" and "innapropriate" but he couldnt remember anything that had been said!! When i pointed out that i can retrieve his deleted data, he started to be more forthcoming but still maintains it was idle chit chat, but also that he has "betrayed me emotionally and been deceitful" that giving her his time instead of me was the worst thing hes done. Well did i mention he works away from home all week? She has a nanny, her husband is abroad a lot....you see those seeds of doubt have been planted and i'll never ever trust him again. I flew home the next day (Monday of this week) with the 2 oldest children, my eldest is so intuitive and a beautiful human being i could not keep it from her. He is still away with the others.

He says he still loves me, wants to do anything to make it right, has already assigned a new manager for her job and has arranged for all comms to be through a 3rd party regarding her house, but I just dont know if i can cope with the paranoia that will eat me up inside....when he gets back i will try to retrieve the messages and actually see what they meant to each other and try to sort my head out.

Oh and i didnt keep my cool, i did contact her too. She just denied everything except "they are very good friends" and shes "a very inexperienced client that was in over her head" A was "a very great help and probably felt obliged to return messages" etc etc bullshit bullshit!

Sorry if this reads like a mad woman, but im sure im losing my mind a bit here.

You have come to the right place. It sounds like you have a plan, but be aware, it also sounds like you may be finding out there is more to the story as well.

The basics: take care of yourself, including drinking plenty of water, eating, and staying away from alcohol.

Insist on complete transparency, which means passwords, etc.

Insist on absolute No Contact with the AP. He must send her a no contact letter in which he declares he is committed to you and your marriage.

You may want to speak with a divorce lawyer, just to learn what you might need to do to protect your and your children.

You may want to scan your banking and credit card records for any unexplained expenses that might support more than just texting.

Others will be by with more support and possible ideas to help you through this. Just know we are here for you if you need us.

He says he still loves me, wants to do anything to make it right, has already assigned a new manager for her job and has arranged for all comms to be through a 3rd party regarding her house, but I just dont know if i can cope with the paranoia that will eat me up inside....when he gets back i will try to retrieve the messages and actually see what they meant to each other and try to sort my head out.

I would definitely follow through with retrieving the phone messages. There are programs available you can find online that will restore at least portions. But you might also consider setting up a polygraph. What we find is typical of cheaters is that they don't initially cop to more than we can prove. Sometimes, just driving to the polygraph appointment will cause a "parking lot confession". You should still follow through anyway, just to make sure you have it all.

I'm sorry you had to join us. It's not a place anyone wants to be. But really, you can't recover from what you don't know. Just the fear factor of thinking there's more is often enough to sabotage restoration efforts. A polygraph can give you peace of mind in regard to whether or not you've had the truth.

Youre so right ChamomileTea. Im drowning in my own imagination and its destroying me 😔

Im sure i'll never have the whole truth and do not know if I will be able to live with that. He has worked away from home for most of the time we've been together and Ive NEVER had a problem or been suspicious, jealous or paranoid. Now im all if those things and more. Im just a total mess 😥

I'm sorry you had to join our club.

I think you'll sadly come to find this is a lot more than just a 'texting' affair. He's away from home all week and these two have nothing BUT opportunity as they spend time together 'working.'

I will tell you that just because you may not be able to retrieve texts that blatantly talk about them having sex won't be 'proof' that it's not physical. Pretty much every single one of us here was lied to on D-Day and told the same thing you were - that it was just an 'inappropriate friendship but it never got physical. '

The very FIRST instinct of a cheater is to lie - then deny, lie, deny, then lie some more. It's all about damage control and avoiding divorce court so they'll lie and swear on their own kids' lives that it wasn't physical. Eventually, pretty much all of us kept digging and found out quite differently.

You haven't nearly gotten the truth out of him. Keep digging. You can un-delete texts with various programs but I don't believe you can un-delete SnapChat texts, unfortunately. I believe once they're gone, they're gone.

Good luck to you, Rae.

Why do they not have the balls to just admit shit? Ive told him that if i cant retrieve the messages and he doesnt explain them to me we are finished. He was broken, im assuming thats because he knows I'm going to find out things that are going to prove him to be a total liar 😕 At this actual point in time its not the content of the messages, its the continual denial thats doing my head in. Who cant remember what they texted someone 3 days previous???? So sad right now, then in an hour i'll be so angry, its like being 2 completely different people.

That's typical. It's not called "the emotional rollercoaster" for nothing. Be compassionate with yourself. You're most likely still being gaslighted, so it's crazy-making. It's so important to tend your body's physical needs when you're under this kind of stress.

If he deleted texts from a business client, assume the worst.

He's minimizing and doing damage control. If they work together, they had sex. Keep digging. Use the jedi mind trick if you have to. It works. Convince him you've dug and you already know more than he's telling you.

On the night i found out I started texting her from his phone pretending to be him. I was so fucked up i didnt ask the right wuestions but she was very alarmed to say the least "omg, did she realise it was me or just some randomer?" That kind of thing. Bitch 😡

Oh and i didnt keep my cool, i did contact her too. She just denied everything except "they are very good friends" and shes "a very inexperienced client that was in over her head" A was "a very great help and probably felt obliged to return messages" etc etc bullshit bullshit!

I'm so sorry at what he's putting you through. By my standards, you *are* keeping your cool and asking the right questions- of him and of yourself. Btw does her partner know? If not, I really believe he should.

Be prepared. My wife told me for a week her chats were just about stuff and some minor flirting. After trickle truth, etc, the chats turned into full blown sexual descriptions of what they would do to each other and half naked pictures. Oh, the secret email account came up a week later too.

Keep digging.

I am sorry. The only way nothing happened is if you caught it way early in the process....like first two weeks.

While you can't retrieve actual texts, you can retrieve a record of when they happened...there you can see how often it was. And get phone records of calls to her house or cell...from his cell and business cell. Demand that access. But you have to move quickly as companies like Sprint only keep them for 3 months.

check for secret email accounts.

Trickle truth is the worst and it will last awhile, unfortunately. He is lying.

He has in fact said it has only been 2 weeks since the messages changed from prof to personal. This could be true as we were going away and they might have mentioned they would miss one another. Also she is spending the summer in their house abroad, coming over once/twice a week now, so it may have been a desperate moment when they both realised they werent going to be together all day. everyday. But today i dont believe him, im 90% sure i have been betrayed in all ways 😔

She told me she has told her husband. This will be the bull they have told me. If i get proof i will send it to him too, why should he be left in the dark and why should she get away with it?

So sorry for you! Unfortunately, you won't get the truth because cheaters lie! That's what they do and they get better and better at it! I am very intuitive and always know when my H is lying to me and I have caught him in his lies a lot but it doesn't change the fact that he does it and that I am worth more.

You need to check for more infos about what they really have . He may say he feels really bad but does he really or it's because he got caught?

Continue posting! Some people are really helpful here!

So sad right now, then in an hour i'll be so angry, its like being 2 completely different people.

I know and I am so sorry. It's known as the emotional roller coaster. Just be enormously patient with yourself- don't expect consistency of any kind. This is such a shock to the system.

It probably doesn't mean all that much to you right now, but you're handling this so much more intelligently than those two idiots are. Both are losing their heads- they don't seem all that practised at deception. She honestly doesn't seem that bright.

In terms of telling her husband- she's most probably lying that she told him, but pretend to believe her and when/if you tell her husband, do so without ANY warning to your WH or this woman. Don't let on that you have any intention to contact her husband. Going by the typical Cheater's Handbook, she might already have warned her husband to expect a call from a crazy wife. And her husband, aka the OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse), might not believe you without proof, but if you do decide to tell him now and he entertains even a little doubt about her *he* might be able to find proof at his end. He could be an ally. You do have more than enough damaging info even now: sending photos in the middle of the night? It's ridiculous. And your H confessed the texts were "flirty" and "inappropriate"- that alone should give the OBS pause .

I hope your husband realizes that if he tries to destroy the phone (I assume it's back in his keeping) he's as good as signing a confession.

No soliciting.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:13 AM, July 28th (Friday)]

He does have his phone back, Ive also wondered if he might accidently drop it in the pool or similar. But as you say looking4thesun that would just be the final nail in the marital coffin!

Good! Having read around this site a lot (and having vivid memories from 30+ yrs ago of how clueless I was in my time), I think you're handling this exceptionally well.

Rae, you have had good advice on this thread from posters; hope it's helpful to you.

Waiting must be so hard. I also recommend reading in the Healing Library if you haven't already (yellow box to the top left). And the pinned thread "Tactical Primer" on the top of this page.

The wise people here always say to prioritize self-care. Please do be very good to yourself now. Sleep (with meds if needed), sunshine, lots of water, exercise, meals (even small ones, protein shakes, etc.). You need your physical strength handling this nightmare not of your making.

And please keep posting! Much strength to you ((((Rae)))).