SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I will try to make this short. I was in a relationship with the same man for over 15 years. We got together as teens but didn't get married until 15 years later. My boyfriend now husband had problems with infidelity and I feel he has a sex addiction. I married him after 15 years and he left two months aftee our marriage and moved in with the other woman. A month after that he told me the woman was pregnant and requested that he files for divorce because she is not comfortable with him being married. I was in a very deep depression and started taking St. Johns Wort that I got over the counter. I swallowed those pills like candy because they helped me to sleep. Anyway, I slipped up and slept with my husband one time this past March and I got pregnant. Although, I was on birth control the pills I was told St Johns Wort breaks down medications faster in your system. My birth control was not 100% effective and I ovulated and was unaware. Now I am pregnant and alone with no husband. He lives with this woman and other child that he claims he is getting a DNA test for. The woman knows nothing about my pregnancy and I told him I will not pressure him to say anything but I asked that he say something before the child is due later this year. I would hate for him to come to the birth of my child and have to sneak to be there. I am also thinking of filing for divorce but am torn because of my pregnancy. Should I file now or wait until I give birth? Should I invite him tonthe birth if the other woman does not know. I don't want my child to be treated differently. I'm so confused. Please help!

[This message edited by Tornlady at 10:19 PM, August 16th (Wednesday)]

Hi Tornlady

I see that this is your first post so let me say welcome to this club that none of us wanted to join but had membership trust on us. What I can share with you, from very personal experience is that, if you do have to face the awful reality of infidelity, SI is the very best place to come to for support, empathy, advice or just to vent. We have all been there. We understand.

I am a relative newbie myself so will limit any advice that I give you but there will be wise elders along shortly that will be able to give all the support and advice that you could ever need.

I might be misinterpreting it but from your post you seem to be dealing with the emotional aspects rather well. If that is not the case then those are the aspects that you need to look after first.

Good advice in the healing library on that and the first pinned thread in "Just Found Out" (JFO)

You have given no indication of your locality. To be able to advise more specifically on your question the good folk at SI will need to know that.

If in the US, I am not in a position to give any advice other than to say, go and see a good lawyer as an absolute priority. From my experience and that of the other OBS in my case, it was the best thing that we did even though we might have resisted at first.

I have read in multiple threads that it is critical that you file for Child Support (CS) as urgently as possible. As I understand it, in many jurisdictions in the US, the woman that files first gets a larger portion of CS than any subsequent filling.

Glad you posted. Post often. I found it more valuable that even good IC.

Regards

Ohfor

The DAY that baby is born file for divorce and child support. Actually, you should hope that he and his mistress stay together until then because as long as he is with her and she doesn't file first, your child will get first priority. DO NOT tell your WH about your plans. Your first priority now should be taking care of yourself and your LO.

Start consulting with lawyers to find one who will help you. If your divorce has not been filed, tell your lawyer that you are pregnant - that may make your divorce more complicated and take a while longer, but hey - it's not YOUR job to make your husband's mistress feel "comfortable." A lawyer will know if the right time is now or after the baby is born.

As for inviting your WH - do what makes YOU comfortable! If by the time you are due you would prefer to be with friends or your mom, then you should have them.

In the meantime, please seek IC. You deserve better than a man who has cheated on you for 15 years! If you were healthy, you would not have knowingly married a sex addict. If you need medication for depression, you should see a doctor instead of popping St. John's Wort.

Hi Tornlady,

Everything doesn't have to be decided today, take a deep breath and take your days one day at a time......

Please call and find a counselor. (IC for individual counseling). You have a journey this coming year that a counselor can be by you thru it, and will be a big support. If you can't afford a counselor right now, call the DV center in your area (emotional abuse is domestic violence is what I was told by my counselor at the DV center. She helped me tremendously).

Also go online and find a lawyer who will see you for free or a small consultation fee (mine was 100 for the hour). Talking to a lawyer stopped the questions and I was able to have a plan.

If you start doing these things, you'll have a solid base to make decisions that are going to start coming to you.

Also, bc you are pregnant, you can get on SNAP, WIC, and Medicaid if you qualify. I think you can apply online.

I wouldn't tell your H a thing until the lawyer tells you what to do.

Sorry you are here....

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 7:16 AM, August 17th (Thursday)]

Thank you all for your responses. I unfortunately won't qualify for government assistance because I make over the federal poverty level. So I will have to pay for everything. However, I will be working out a financial agreement with my hopefully soon to be ex spouse once this child is born. I don't want to do child support as long as we can come up with an agreement. But if not, then to the courts I go. I just want my child to be taken care of. I can't believe this is my life. I always worked hard and never played around with other men. I was faithful and an overall good woman. But because I loved the wrong person for all these years, it has cost me greatly. I wish God allowed due overs in life. I had prayed for my marriage but I realize my husband never loved me like I loved him and he never will. No matter what I did or how good of a woman I am, I will never measure up. But the woman he left for can't even cook a meal and makes below the federal poverty level, already has a kid by another man, not that attractive at all. My spouse helps her with everything financially because she was only working in food service. But my husband chooses to stick by her side because she got knocked up and told him to end his marriage. He has not filed because he says although he left he will never love her like he loved me and won't even consider marriage with her. I think that's funny you do all this for a woman that you claim to not love in the same way as me and will never marry. If he loved me he would have fought for our marriage until I served him divorce papers. He says really stupid things out his mouth. It's amazing the power an affair can have over a person.

[This message edited by Tornlady at 11:56 AM, August 17th (Thursday)]

He's telling her the same shit, Torn. Because he's a liar.

When that baby is born, file for divorce and make sure custody and child support is included in the written agreement.

Then tell him if he doesn't do exactly what you ask, you will tell her about your baby.

Now is not the time for playing girl scout - now is the time for looking out for you and your baby.

Once you are divorced and have custody and child support... tell her anyway.

[This message edited by ChangeMaker at 8:33 AM, August 18th (Friday)]

Um you definately want your child to be legally protected with custody going to you, and child support or when your child is about 3 or 4 they will try to get custody then. I see it all the time here.

Sooner or later she's going to find out about your baby and when she does, she's going to shit a green Twinkie.

Oh how I would love to be a fly on the wall for THAT conversation!

However, I will be working out a financial agreement with my hopefully soon to be ex spouse once this child is born. I don't want to do child support as long as we can come up with an agreement.

Please rethink this. You can bet your booty that once this OW finds out about your baby SHE WILL be filing for support to ensure she gets hers first. Her court ordered support will take priority IF she files first.

If for some reason down the road, he is not able to honor your 'out of court' agreement, it will be much harder for you to collect the amount you agreed upon. Please protect your baby's finances first.

If you are in the states, please consider using the court formula and having it done through the system (and garnished).

You don't even have to use the court's suggested amount - we agreed to a different amount. I advise against that as well. My kid's got screwed doing it that way.

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 2:43 PM, August 18th (Friday)]

However, I will be working out a financial agreement with my hopefully soon to be ex spouse once this child is born. I don't want to do child support as long as we can come up with an agreement.

Please, please, PLEASE rethink this. You need to get LEGAL documents drawn up spelling out exactly what he will be on the hook for for child support. He can SAY he will pay x amount but unless you have legal documents, you will have ZERO recourse if he doesn't pay.

You must ABSOLUTELY go through the courts for CS!!!

The courts determine CS levels based on who filed first. You want YOUR CHILD to be child #1 as far as the courts are concerned. That means your child gets money before any other child gets theirs. Also, the first child gets a larger % of their parents income.

If your WH is a serial cheater it is only a matter of time before there is trouble in his new paradise....you don't want the mistress to get more money in support than you receive.

I would also keep your baby a secret from OW until after you file for support....she might know the rules as well and go after support just to be the first in line.

Depending on where you live you may not be able to get divorced while pregnant. Definitely check with an attorney.

I don't want to do child support as long as we can come up with an agreement. But if not, then to the courts I go. I just want my child to be taken care of. I can't believe this is my life

Please rethink this. You do remember that your WH lies right? That he has gone back and forth between you and this OW a few times already. That he is not even telling her that you are pg... Being "nice" and not doing this legally is going to hurt both you and your child. In your mind you might think that your best case is if he came back to you...after the child is born. If this happens you can bet she will file for support first and be given much more money for her child...when eventurally he bobs back and forth between the two of you claiming "it's for the children."

You need to start thinking of yourself and your unborn child and file for support...not about making him happy.

Don't shoot yourself in the foot just to stay on this cheating user's 'good' side. I'm getting the impression that you thin if you go easy on him it will reflect positively on you and he'll come running back to your open arms.

Why you'd even WANT someone this low is really a question you need to ask yourself.

Child support is the right of every CHILD. It's not for you, it's not a punishment fr him, it's for your child's benefit.

Don't be foolish and gamble away what your child is ENTITLED to whether YOU need it or not to get by.

If you're in a good enough position where you don't need it to survive, then put it in the bank every month toward his/her college.

Step back and look at the BIGGER picture, not the immediate one.

[This message edited by NoMercy at 8:47 AM, August 19th (Saturday)]

Thank you all for your responses. I am not trying to make things easier for my spouse by not filing child support. I am just trying to make things less stressful for me. I hate being tied up in courts and would rather work out an agreement with him in regards to support. I am not worried about the OW and what she may be entitled to at this time. I doubt she will even take him to child support court. She has no money and he supports her. Without him she would be living with family. She is on government assistance and has state Medicaid. So she would most likely deal with the fact that he slept with me and got me pregnant just to keep getting money from him. I don't care what she thinks about my pregnancy or how she takes the news. She could care less about me and told my husband to file for divorce when she got pregnant. She did not care about him being married and wanted a family and life with another woman's husband. So she got what she asked for. She wanted my life well now she has it. And she will soon find out it's full of disappointment and pain. I am just focused on my soon to be baby and trying to do what's best for me and my child. Too bad I didn't get pregnant by a man who actually loves me. I hate my child has to be born into such disfunction all because I wasn't strong enough to leave and keep my legs closed to someone who wronged me a thousand times.

The courts determine CS levels based on who filed first.

This is a myth in CA.

The courts determine CS based on

1. each party's income

2. cost of childcare

3. how much time each party has custody of the child

4. how many other children are supported by the payor of support.

If Child A's mom goes to court and gets, say, $700 in support based on the algorithm, and then Child B's mom goes to court, Child B may get less than Child A, but the payor can then petition the court to lower the support amount for Child A, based on having to also support Child B.

All children are equal in the eyes of the courts here. First dibs doesn't count.

Child support is calculated by a formula. It will take up barely any time to get it set up and his wages garnished. Please, please do this for the sake of your child.

He is a proven liar - I highly doubt he was faithful before you married him. If he lied about that he will have no compunction about "saying" he will pay support based on some agreement you come to. Unless you have legal documents in place you will have NO RECOURSE if he stops paying.

You say he already supports her? This is all the more reason it is imperative you file for support for YOUR child, because I guarantee that SHE will be filing for support too.

Have you spoken to an attorney?

Social services are going to come after your husband for child support to pay them back. They're ferocious about it too. Why should they pay to raise your husband's child?