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Disclosing IN MC may be an ideal solution for you, some one to buffer etc. Perhaps find one that you can talk with and then meet collectively.

You should probably get STD tested as well. I understand you think you were the only one, but there is a good chance probably not, if not during the time you were together, but in the course of his marriage. I would do it anyway even if you used a condom as condoms don't necessarily prevent herpes.

You are going to need individual counseling for sure. Right after D-day I was not yet ready for MC. We tried. We went. And I was not ready to mentally let go of AP. The MC sent me packing to IC.

The very best thing I did for my healing in the early days was I stopped lying. That was the one thing I had and I clung to it. No matter how shitty it made me look, what I believed, what I had done, I was not going to lie any more. I had a shred of my integrity back and I held onto it like it was my life preserver in the biggest emotional storm of my life.

I know the idea of disclosing is terrifying but the act is weirdly liberating. You no longer fear the worst happening because it has happened. Once you are at that point you can begin to rebuild on a foundation of authenticity. You are in the crucible. Its heat is searing but it is the heat that allows transformation. Don't run away from it. Lean in. Own your story. Become a real girl. You can do this.

Sorry, missed stop sign

[This message edited by c24j at 9:05 PM, August 24th (Thursday)]

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:20 PM, August 25th (Friday)]

So you've gotten a lot of feedback. What is your plan? What steps will you be implementing to deal with life on it's own terms?

*update*

My AP and I worked together a few nights ago. I stuck with NC even though it was so awkward.... literally having to work side by side not speaking or looking at each other unless it was specifically work related. After 6 hours he caved and said he wanted to talk to me. We talked for over an hour.... he and his wife are not divorcing, they want to work through this. He will eventually get another job. I told him that i switched shifts on the next schedule so that we have the least amount of contact possible. Then he said to me that His wife is not going to tell my husband. They would prefer I didn't because they both just want to move on and they are afraid on his reaction?!??!

He told me he's being honest with his wife from here on, on best behavior etc.

I broke down hearing him tell me her reaction to the emails. She read EVERY single one aloud to him.... there had to be hundreds.

However, he still proceeded to tell me how much letting me go is hurting him and that misses me and he loves me. He asked about my children and told me about his as if nothing changed. He directly asked me if I genuinely loved him. I told him "yes, I DID"

Then he said, hey maybe I'll see you Monday. He also made eyes at me!!!! Wtf? I told him stop, I did not reciprocate any kind of flirtation.

He did tell his wife we talked. I asked him to ask her if she would accept a letter of apology. Surprisingly she said she would.

After reading your responses and praying and thinking, I have accepted that this is over. We can't have contact or repeat any behaviors. This was an addiction... like a previous poster said.... a source of feelings. That is all. I've accepted it.

What do you all think of his behavior?

I also forgot to mention that I did go individually to a counselor who recommended that I try to tell my BS more about my feelings and needs.

So today I tried talking to him about things in our relationship that have been bothering me. He completely shut me down. Told me that if I don't like the way he is and how things are then I can just GO. All I said to him was about spending more time together. Maybe he could plan a date night for us instead of planning nights out with his buddies... and that I'd like him to be more sensitive with me and with my feelings. For 13 years, it's been his way or the highway.

Really starting to get the courage to just tell him about the affair.

Sorry, did not see the stop sign.

[This message edited by Hopeful76 at 4:50 PM, August 27th (Sunday)]

You are heavy in the fog and need to move forward. Let him go. It was all a lie. Everything he felt and you felt-been there done that with her. His wife. He felt it enough to marry her. Got a bit bored, needed to fill that 20% his wife didn't fill or shouldn't of filled in order for him to be an adult and not a self indulgent child. God forbid we learn to live without that 20%. You were just an "other". Nothing special or he would still be with you. Would have chosen you over his so-called horrible wife. He doesn't love you. Even with the broken NC. He is still in the drug withdrawal. Misses the attention. That is all. The attention you fed him that should have been going to your husband. His wife is probably playing the pick me dance and it will not last long when she realizes he isn't worth it. Do you really think he gets positive attention and reinforcement from his wife right now? He is just using you again. Hence why he shut you down for so long before the drug withdrawal became too much.

Can't he say 2 words to me about what has transpired??? Give me some clue as to what her plans are with these emails and photos??

No, he owes you nothing. You are not his wife. He chooses her. I can bet half of what he said about her was never true but you bought it hook line and sinker. He is not a friend. Friends don't enable friends to be the worse version of themselves. Friends hold each other accountable.

My wife contacted the other BSO 8 months later.

She has no way of directly contacting him.

She found his number on spokeo. She called, FB messaged, and sent a certified letter. She can follow you home one day and find the address. Not difficult at all for someone that hacked your emails. Come to think of it, it was shortly after her anger phase. Imagine that.

I do feel like some of his character flaws may have led me astray.

Nope. Your neediness for attention and lack of self confidence/esteem led you astray. You. Not what your husband wasn't giving you. You set your wants, needs, and values. Not his fault if they are wrong or he can't meet them. Yours alone.

'm sorry but I do not believe that the BS has zero to do with an affair starting. It's not his fault, however AP filled a void when my husband wasn't there. Including during the birth of our son. That void is one of many factors in this twisted formula that created this situation.

Bullshit. Who created the void that wasn't filled to your expectations? You. He may have marriage faults, but you could have chosen many different ways to fix what wasn't working. Your needs weren't being met so you cheated and took advantage of him instead of divorcing. Because he obviously wasn't bad enough to divorce over. Just to cheat over. Just to take for granted and advantage of till you got your fun. Then you want him. Guess it isn't that bad. This is all on you. Your affair and the reasons to have it are all your fault. What did you do to fix any marriage problems? You love him, he is great. Then you go on to talk about how you resent he shuts you down. Whose fault is it that you accepted that for 13 years? You teach people how you want to be treated.

So when my handsome AP showered me with love and attention, I easily took the bait.

Nope. You chose to make yourself available and open to be fished.

This affair has put my growth in my career on hold and has ruined my reputation.

nope. Not the affair. You did this to yourself. Because you made self indulgent and selfish choices.

I see why you all think disclosing the affair is best for healing.

It is also the right decent human thing to do. To give another human being the informed choice to be with a person selfish enough to step on them to get their wants filled. They should know the real you and have the choice to accept you or turn from you. It is a basic human right. Not to mention you are still a cheater if you choose to lie, deceive, and manipulate your marriage (um gilded cage).

To be completely honest, I'm looking for advice on how to move past the grief of losing my AP. That has to be my first step. One thing at a time. Seems like the only advice people here can give is disclosing the affair. Why is that? I guess maybe I don't see why it is best for healing. Sorry if that is contradictory to what I previously said.

Healing for who? You? The easy self preservation way? Telling your husband will help you get over that AP really quick. It will take some long time to get over an AP when you are probably most hurt by the rejection and realizing that he threw you under the bus and you are not special to him as you thought.

So, you want your husband to go to MC and work on a marriage that is a lie? To work on his problems while you skip your accountability to him and your vows again?

Happy Monday.

Maybe he's always been like this or maybe not. You underestimate the power of intuition. He is aware on some level (conscious or otherwise) that something is going on with you. Why? Because people don't come from sleeping with their AP and take an active interest in the BS. Just doesn't happen. We re-write history, magnify faults, hyper focus on all our past hurts to justify what we are doing as "right" or at the very least "acceptable".

I mean it's great that you stood up for your needs, I mean that sincerely, I get how difficult it is to have a spine.

But at the same time, you're sitting there talking to him about what you want knowing full well you fell in love with someone else and had a sexual relationship with him. He doesn't have the ability to make an informed decision about his own life, despite knowing all is not well in denmark.

You are treading on thin ice at the moment. You want to be able to say, well BECAUSE you didn't meet my needs, I had an affair. That's not the case at all. You had an affair because you wanted to and you didn't want to give up the security (or whatever you get from it) of your marriage to be validated.

Mature emotionally healthy people leave marriages when they feel they are being abused, or their needs are not being sufficiently addressed. They bite the bullet and risk being alone to be happier. They don't fall in bed with someone else.