SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Curious to know how many of you had what you believed to be happy marriages. I always felt lucky to have a good husband who I could trust. Even when he acted "off" during the affair, I kept telling myself how ridiculous it was to think he would cheat. In our case I have to say that we had many happy years and joyful times. It was rare for us to fight over anything. Even my husband has said this has been the best relationship he has ever had because it worked so smoothly.

I thought it was good before the A. We had just adopted a newborn and I was no longer working nights. I found out yrs later that he told his AP that our marriage was rocky. Idk why they prefer to tell a f***ing stranger that our marriage is rocky and never once tell the BS. The irony is, the marriage wasn't rocky until after he started the A.

We had our ups and downs, but the year or so prior to her leaving had been the best of our 10 year relationship, bar none. We were best friends, enjoyed each others' company, lived a very comfortable lifestyle... We were actively trying to conceive a child up to two weeks before DDay, and then she suddenly and inexplicably started being really awful to me for no apparent reason. Two weeks later, she was living with another man, and the rest is history,

Yep, I did.

We just had our last baby (6 mths old). We just bought a new house and remodeled (together) our former house to rent it out, which brought a great whack of income.

No arguments, no nothing. I was inviting people over on weekend for bbqs, and on Saturdays and Sundays we were meeting friends and going places, like kid opera, zoo, etc

He seemed distant, which I thought was because he got promoted and was busy.

He was busy alright.

No, our marriage was toxic and in a really bad place. We lived parallel lives, a really unhealthy dynamic had taken over our marriage. I refer to it as our "marriage coma". But neither of us had the balls to say what needed to be said, or to demand change. I guess Mr Psych took things into his own hands, while I simply busied myself in raising our teen-aged daughters and my job.

DDay shook us both to our core and forced us to look at our marriage and decide whether to let it just go, or stay and fight for what we thought it could be. We have chosen to fight. Sometimes I think this makes things a bit easier. Had our marriage been "good" I would be completely baffled, and most likely would have left without a look back.

Sadly I can't really say as her first A was just a couple of years in, and the source of my subsequent depression.

Now I can say things are on the way to being truly happy, barring any future stupidity on her part.

About 18 months before his A I knew we were in trouble. I tried to voice my concerns but he was unable to communicate his true feelings...said everything was "fine". I chalked it up to a rough patch. But as time went on about the last 6 months before DDay I remember thinking that "maybe what I wanted at 28 isn't what I want at 41." I was getting ready to consider separation or MC or something. Turns out we were in bigger trouble than I ever could have imagined. My H was always the "nice guy." I never in a million years thought he would cheat.

As far as I was concerned, we were happy. His A occurred during a really busy time of year for us. We weren't going on as many date nights or having sex as often, but I chalked it up to life with a small child and him advancing in his career.

I never once thought my WH would cheat (before I thought he was cheating) as his father was a serial cheater, and he still hold serious resentment towards him for the way he treated their family.

Yes. I thought we had an amazing marriage. I was completely blind sided

No, we did not have a happy marriage. We had a tumultuous, unbalanced, toxic marriage. I was fully codependent and my boundaries were crap, and he was entitled, narcissistic and full of resentment. It wasn't daily awful, but it was cyclical, with a fight every other week and daily criticism and contempt.

I had decided the year leading up to the A to throw myself into the fray while emotionally choosing to distance myself. I was unable to draw in an income due to school arrangements with the kids so I tried as hard as possible to be a perfect homemaker, while beginning to take time for myself and make the best of a crappy situation. "He's an asshole, but he's MY asshole" was my new mantra.

And then the COW became a regular in his life as she left her third husband and WH began to obsess over becoming her best friend and closest confidant, even as she found a new secret relationship with her bff's recently separated ex. As his budding 'friendship' with her increased, he became happier and his entire attitude changed. While the EA occurred, and his ego was fed and emotional need for outside female attention increased, he became happier around me and the home. Meanwhile I saw how he treated her and it made me a nervous wreck.

Anyway, not in the mood to describe how everything played out, but it's been over 8 months since he ended his A, I've done a lot of work on codependency and boundaries and he's been exploring coping mechanisms for stress and appreciation, and if this goddamn A didn't exist in our M then I'd say we're doing better now than we've EVER done since we were maybe 22. We take the time to demonstrate appreciation, he lost that sense of entitlement and I have demands for respect that are now being met. It's sad to say that I had to leave him 5 months post dday for this to occur, but I suspect that if I wanted this work to be done prior to the A I would have needed to leave him as well, and I wouldn't have ever been in a place to do that. I had FOO issues that caused me to need attachment and likely enabled unbalanced relationships, and it took the shock of his A to open my eyes and experience 'post traumatic growth'.

[This message edited by tessthemess at 9:33 PM, August 22nd (Tuesday)]

I thought and felt safe....even if things seemed "off"...

And when you are married 30+ years...I had NO reason NOT to feel safe...

Yep. Me too. I am a very practical person. Not the type to just falsely and hopefully believe everything is fine. I am pragmatic and even a little pessimistic. This knocked me upside my head literally like someone walked up to me and hut me full force, with a baseball bat out of nowhere.

Married for almost 9 years. He bragged about me to his coworkers, family and friends. I was the "best wife". I said the same kudos about him amd his treatment of me. We had very frequent sex. Not cookie cutter type either, very creative, I was not shy or reserved. Lets just say not much embarrassed me when it came to him.

We were always supportive of each other's careers. We are both very accomplished professionals and driven, but not to the point of sacrificing the truly important people and moments life. Mostly we were in agreement to parenting and financial decisions. Honestly, no major issues. I thought we had balance.

He would brag to others about how connected we were in the spiritual sense. Stuff like I would text or call him about something and it was something he had just been thinking and oftentimes he did the same with me in reverse. We had so many little inside jokes. People were actually a titch envious. We has so much true connection/vulnerability/and coverage of each other.

I would have proclaimed from the highest mountain that he was my best friend, my protector, my confidant, and the one person who had my back, without a doubt...he had my back. I would have agreed that we aren't perfect. That we were far from having the best marriage in the world. But I thought we had something thst most didn't.

I don't mean to oretend or portray thst everything was always perfect. Heavens no. But there was definitely way more positive than negative.

I was caught completely and totally off guard. This has been one of the most painful parts of this stupid story and timeline. Its devastating. Its senseless. I would have done anything to help him, love him, and just be there during his struggles.

I can't see how I/we will ever be the same. Some days i ask why. And now I struggle with "how to move forward with this man.

[This message edited by Hurtstomycore at 9:37 PM, August 22nd (Tuesday)]

I hate saying this out loud or even writing it down. Our marriage was great, supportive and comfortable and we had the same goals and everything we dreamed of. Then we found out we were unexpectedly expecting another baby. I lost it. I had no desire to have a baby and even less to terminate the pregnancy. I kept her.

Of course we love her just as much as the others but we got a new house to make room for her, our oldest needed to change schools, I had no energy or attention for anyone and I was seriously depressed. When she was born I improved a lot and came out of my depression, but my hands were full. He took on everything. He did everything extra so I could focus on our baby and preschooler. After a few months of this I started to take jobs back over, become more capable and accept all the changes in our lives. But as I took over home stuff, he just started working more and more and more. By the time the EA started, he was only making it home for supper a few days a week. A month in, it was hardly ever. I just buckled down and kept pushing through, after all, he had done it for me, hadn't he? If I mentioned that he was distant and working too much and too hard, he would just agree with me and promise to change. When DDay 1 came, you'd better believe I made every excuse in the book for him. He had done EVERYTHING OBS said, and I only believed what he could prove... I feel terrible about that now.

My H was the last person anyone would believe would cheat. You could ask anyone I know. But I didn't even notice that was changing. It's so hard to accept that I can't just go back and do that year over and prevent the whole thing. But there was no way I could have knownhe hadn't given me a reason not to trust him before.

Yes. I thought I was in a good, happy marriage. I felt

lucky. Not perfect, but I was content. I thought I was married to someone who cherished me. He was cheating for 7 of 13 years together.

You betcha! I was proud of my M and the fact that I just KNEW with every fiber of my being that my H would never betray me! We were best friends, did things together all the time, regular date nights, said the ILYs every day/night, rarely fought, etc.

It was all a lie and I was blindsided. Xhole deserves an Oscar for his performance.

Yes, I thought so.

We had some issues just like everyone, but I always thought we had something different or special. Guess not.

Add me to the team of us who never ever thought WS would cheat. He never even looked at other women. Apparently OW was an opportunity, he said he knew she was slutty and would have sex with him so he went for it.

I thought we had a happy marriage. It could have been better. We spent quality time together, were working on major life goals that were approaching fruition. Then we took two daughters to two different universities and even though the oldest had graduated from university and was living at home and working out there was suddenly an empty nest according to WW.

I have decades of cards for Valentine's, birthdays, anniversaries and father's days extolling my virtues as a husband and father. I gave the same to her. We spent a lot of time looking at cards to get the one that expressed our feelings appropriately. Then nothing for a year and then back on the pedestal again even though she was still fucking him.

Now I found out our marriage was crap and she never loved me. All of those good times and tender moments were lies, I guess.

I did.

Several times during the A she gave me her version of ILYBINILWY, spun as if I were the one witholding affection -- I was more like a friend or roommate, I acted like I didn't love her or even like her, I wasn't there for her. This was all news to me as I was working two jobs to support our family, helping her with her schoolwork at night, and would watch our son so she could go have "girls nights" to unwind. Helped her apply and transition to new jobS, listened to her horror stories about work, cooked dinner at every opportunity and made her lunch every morning before work. I really had no idea what more I could do. I just thought we were busy and kept trying to reassure her that everything would be better once she graduated. It was almost a relief when I discovered the A because everything suddenly made sense.

We definitely had our share of issues that I thought we had addressed and dealt with. Even during those rough patches I never, ever thought H would be capable of having an affair. In the couple years leading up to DD, I thought we were pretty good; at the very least, the best we had ever been. In fact, we had commented on the marriages of some of our friends that were a few years behind us and how they seemed unhealthy and we were concerned for them. Needless to say, on DD, I was completely blindsided and baffled.

Like many of you, I had an average marriage with ups and downs. The last year or so, it was actually more up than down. I even said to my WH that when my friends complained about their spouses, I really had nothing to say because I was so content.

Turns out, he was having an affair for 9 years of our 17year marriage. That just shows how deluded I was. Completely trusting him while he was lying to me to my face for so long.

Whenever we had an argument, I would get the cold shoulder for weeks on end until I broke the ice with either a text, handwritten note, or even the tried and tested method of putting on my birthday suit. The last argument we had, I told him that I felt that he didnt like me amymore and that if someone else will make him happier then maybe that was an option to consider. He was so hurt that id even suggest separation. So imagine my shock amd horror om discovering that he had the side piece all along