SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

DDay was 2 weeks ago.

My partner of 17 years, wife of 9 years and mother of my 2 kids had an affair with someone at her work.

Granted things hadn't been smooth the last 12 months, but it never excuses the behaviour.

She has had an emotional affair for a few months, which turned sexual on allegedly 3 occassions.

She did admit the affair, after I questioned her about her behaviour (hiding things, "working" later than usual etc etc) - it took alot of pushing and prying to get her to admit what she did.

We have 2 kids, and I love her very much, so I made a commitment that I would try to make our marriage work. This was 2 weeks ago.

We've been and seen a MC (just once so far) - it was more a getting to know you. We're booked in again in a weeks time.

We've agreed that she will cut off communication with the OM (despite working with him) and we'll take steps to get back on track.

My head is all over the place. Some days, I'm filled with anger and rage, some it's sadness, some I feel better and some I want our marriage to be great and happy forever.

I've put a lot of mental effort into talking through our issues, taking steps to work on the relationship and trying to be affectionate and find comfort with my wife.

My wife however, doesn't seem to be putting in the same effort as me. She doesn't seem to be trying and from my perspective, isn't doing absolutely everything she can to save the marriage.

We've spoken about it and put it down to her struggling emotionally, shame, regret and a general "depression" type feeling that she's had before the affair.

Now, here comes the big sticking point. Friday night. I have a day off, my wife is due home about 6pm.

7pm comes around, she's not home yet, and I call her. I ask her where she is. She tells me, she's at the bus stop waiting for the bus. I ask why she's only catching the bus now and she tells me it was one of the people at her works last day, so she stayed later.

Naturally I'm a bit upset, she didn't tell me she was staying out. Had she have told me, I would have been ok. We would have set some boundaries (ie the OM couldn't be there), but I'm a reasonable person. I don't want her living in a prison, I want her to be free to make choices.

When she gets home, she's in tears. She claims that she sat in an alley for 90 minutes crying as she's broken down. She wasn't actually spending time with the person who was leaving.

I'm cynical, but I try to believe her. I tell her I'm here to support her, and she should have called me to come get her and we can be in the moment together.

I'm suspicious because she is not the type of person who would ever sit in an alley and cry. She's too embarrassed. - I decide to sleep in another bed (for the first time) and cry myself to sleep.

She's asked me about it the next morning. I told her I'm angry and upset, I didn't want to keep her awake and I cried myself to sleep.

She lets of a big sigh and goes back to facebook on her phone. - It's a slap in the face for me, I'm hurt by her reaction.

I have to go to work on the saturday and leave whilst she getting undressed to have a shower. I notice that she has shaved her pubic hair. This would have happened on the Friday Morning as she was shaving her legs.

I ask her why she did that (because we clearly haven't been intimate) and she says that it was annoying her!

Then comes Saturday and Sunday, she's standoffish. I try to be affectionate, try to cuddle her, just generally do what husband and wife do. She pushes me away and says she doesn't want to "fake" it.

I still want to believe that she's trying, but it is bugging me.

She gets a message on her phone on Sunday night. I ask her who it's from and she snaps at me saying it's from her Dad. I don't believe her. She makes a few comments about her Dad messaging her over the next hour or so (so much that she seems to be over justifying the message).

It gets the better of me, and this morning (Monday Morning) I go to have a look through her phone whilst she's in the shower. Only to discover she's changed the PIN on her phone. (This would have happened in the last few days as I have been randomly checking).

Whilst I don't know for certain, I'm 90% sure she's re-visited the affair on Friday night. She's felt ashamed and upset herself and has come home in tears. She knows that if/when I find out, the relationship is done, our marriage is done.

Since discovering the changed PIN and reflecting on the last 2 weeks, i really question if she has infact finished the affair. I suspect she hasn't and with that in mind, her behaviour starts to make sense.

So, tonight is the night where I think I'm going to ask her for a divorce.

I'm absolutely going to question her further about Friday night, but I suspect that she will deny it, simply because she knows that if she admits it, it's over. I'm going to question her about chaning the PIN.

I'm 99% sure that I'm done. Regardless of whether or not she's told me the truth or not, I feel that the chaning of her PIN is grounds enough for me to "pull the pin". How can I ever trust her again if she's changed the PIN on her phone. There's no good reason for it, other than to hide something, and whilst I was willing to work on our trust, now that this has happened, I don't think I will ever be able to trust her again.

I'm not prepared to live my life like that.

So I guess my question is this. Do I just tell her it's over and move on, or do I push and pry (and probably cause an arguement) to find out something that I probably already know.

Do I challenge her on her stand off approach, chainging the PIN etc, or do I just accept that it's over an move on.

Who else has been through this and what happened?

Man am I sorry you are here. I totally understand your suspicions and she needs to let you see her phone. Changing the PIN just adds to the mystery....and ....that is not good. Try telling her you are going to talk to an attorney tomorrow and file by the end of the week....THEN tell the why....your suspicions that she revisited the AP Friday. And that she changed her PIN. Good luck and keep us posted. So many of us have been where you are. Peace to you brother.

[This message edited by theaterguy at 7:48 PM, August 27th (Sunday)]

Pick up her phone and ask for the pin, if she balks, tell her you're done, that you intend to D...then watch for her reaction.

Insist on her giving you the pin if she wants to let you in the phone, don't give it back unless she completely refuses.

[This message edited by OrdinaryDude at 7:56 PM, August 27th (Sunday)]

If any case is going to be decide by circumstantial evidence, this would be it. When you mention D and she get emotional it means she is in fog.

Any thing on POSOM side like contacting his significant others

she sat in an alley for 90 minutes crying

Sorry, I don't buy this at all.

Crying for a hour and 15 min . . . . in an alley?

Oh, I completely understand all about crying, and feeling broken, but not that long in one episode. Knowing you were home waiting for her.

After shaving pubes that morning? and then LYING to you about a co workers last day!

I am not saying it is not true, but highly

unlikely.

Seems to me she is still in A.

[This message edited by shiloe at 8:07 PM, August 27th (Sunday)]

Deep down, I think you know the answer to your own questions.

I think any truly remorseful spouse would act the way she is acting. But yes: Ask her for the phone's PIN, and if she refuses, then you know she has something to hide.

I'm sorry you're here.

Her AP is a co worker?

I wouldn't even tell her. I would just continue as is. See an attorney without telling her.

Have her served at work and simultaneously expose to family and friends.

Sorry you are here.

*Edited spelling*

[This message edited by farsidejunky at 8:42 PM, August 27th (Sunday)]

thats a rough few weeks it sounds like still working with him there is the strong emotional/love connection seeing him every day

Also if the efforts have been one sided this paints a picture of not worried about the consequences so it could be ongoing

I'm not an ass. I want to have a good relationship with her in the future. After all we have 2 young kids together, but I need to consider the rest of my life.

At this stage, I just can't ever see it working after the recent events.

I need a clean, respectful split if that's what happens. I need her to understand that she is the reason, not because I wasn't committed to R.

I just don't know if trying to get it out of her is worth the effort. I think I've already made up my mind that it needs to come to an end. On the other hand, I feel like I need to have full knowledge, so that I can live with the decision.

No question this is on going.

Trust your gut. It isn't lying to you.

You also need to cancel marriage counseling. Sounds like you guys jumped in way too early anyway. Individual counseling is what you both need at this point. But marriage counseling is a waste of time and money if she's not remorseful and is still cheating (which she is if we're all being honest here).

And don't feel the need to tell her you're divorcing her. Actually don't feel obligated to tell her anything you plan on doing before you do it. Have her served or have the divorce papers drawn up and give them to her for her to sign. She didn't feel the need to tell you she was fucking another man.

From now on you need to play things closer to the chest and not wear your emotions on your sleeve. No more telling her how you're feeling or how you cried yourself to sleep. All that does is make you look weak in her eyes. I doubt she cares how you're feeling as her actions continue to show.

[This message edited by JS84 at 9:24 PM, August 27th (Sunday)]

Look, for some people, infidelity is a deal breaker no matter what, and that's perfectly acceptable.

A BS never owes the WS a chance to R, ever...its only and always a gift.

If this is where you're at, you need to get a lawyer so you know your rights in your jurisdiction.

It can be done cleanly if you both agree to do so.

Shaving pubic hair, then sidelined by 'crying in alley'?

She has to be kidding to think you'd believe that narrative.

Fish whatever 'truth' you can out of her, but make D the priority.

There's zero remorse, so there should be little concern over how D papers are served.

Just do it.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 9:32 PM, August 27th (Sunday)]

Friend Ozbetrayed:

Before telling her about the divorce, tell her that you know what happened on Friday ... you ask your WW in a firm and calm way ... I want to hear from you what happened on Friday, if you come clean we can start but this is over. ..

If she does not say anything or deny you will know that the worst step, not in vain your WW shaved your crotch is a great red flag of confirmation of AP.

If she tells the truth and you think you should put your conditions

1 NC with OM

2 Give up your work

3 Exposure to WW's family and friends

4 exposition of OM if married to his wife and at work.

5 total transparency (facebook, whatsapp, phone, etc)

6 The last word on the marriage you have you in the term that you will give to know if R is verdero or not

Hugs and what you decide to make you happy friend

You can either wait until you've gathered all the evidence, file for divorce without bothering to get any further evidence, or... bluff. Tell her you already know what she's been up to and that she's got one chance to explain herself to your satisfaction. If she balks, file.

I'm sorry. We all know how hurtful it is, but you can't reconcile with someone who's still cheating.

If I was you I'd be done too.

She perceives the OM as strong and wonderful. When you told her you cried yourself to sleep she perceives you as weak and pathetic (I'm not saying you are, you're not...yours are totally natural and human reactions!). Her reaction to your response though just highlights that she does not respect you, despises you even. She's basically on script from the cheaters handbook!

I would be done, too. Don't ask her for a divorce, tell her you are divorcing her. Be polite but assertive.

If you're still wavering, following OrdinaryDude's advice above.

From my own experience, and from what I've read here time and time again, she will likely continue to do everything wrong until you are 100% convinced that you are done.

Her AP is a co worker?

I wouldn't even tell her. I would just continue as is. See an attorney without telling her.

Have her served at work and simultaneously expose to family and friends.

I also agree with this...just because you're not an ass and want to be able to effectively co-parent with her in the future doesn't mean you should be a weak push-over either.

You need to be strong and assertive or she will run all over you in the future.

She and the OM need to have consequences to their actions.

Not only would I have her served at work, but I would also inform their HR department, most companies have policies against this and it may carry disciplinary action for them both.

Do NOT shield her from the consequences of her actions, and do NOT lie to family and friends as to why you are splitting.

Thank you all for your comments.

The "she sees you as weak" comment had really resonated with me. I think that is spot on.

Having said that, I don't want to hurt her, have her fired, or give her reason to hate me, manipulate my kids or make my life difficult in the future.

I won't feel better outing her to friends and family. Despite the horrible thing she has done, I want to be gracious. I want to be the bigger person. I want to have a good relationship with her.

I will graciously inform her that our marriage won't proceed and it's for the best for both of us.

Having her fired or embarrassed in front of colleagues, friends and family has no positive outcome. It impacts her, me and my kids and no matter how I feel, my kids come first.

I will ask her to explain her actions of the last few days, but my mind is made up.

I so desperately didn't want this to happen, I really saw the affair as an opportunity to improve our relationship. I guess deep down, she saw it as a way out.

Despite the fact that she says she can't picture a life without me, her actions don't show this.

Ill be having the conversation in about 7 hours and will update you all how it went probably tomorrow (I'm in Aus).

In the mean time, I'll keep reading your comments, it's nice to have different opinions and have a group of people who truly understand the pain and angst that I'm feeling.

You should tell the OBS right away. Don't delay. She deserves to know. Do NOT tell your WW you will be doing this because she and the OM will conspire and concoct a story.

I would ask for your WW's phone and pin. It sounds like she thinks the phone is safe with a new pin and so she may well not have deleted texts. Like the ones from her "dad." Her reaction likely will tell you all you need to know when you ask her for it.

Good luck.